Hypersensitive gf blowing things out of proportion. How to validate?

[itgirl]

I have a bit of an issue.

Little background.  pwBPDgf and I have been through 3 recycles.  Its a pattern.  She is unhappy with her job (life) and eventually I am to blame.  She basically dumps her emotions on me.  I have become more smarter through this site to the point where I thought this week.  WOW I managed to keep things calm for seven months.

Fast forward to yesterday and all things are broken.  She is now leaving me.  What happened?  I told her on Thursday that I will phone her the evening as she is on holiday at her parents this week.  Now you guys must understand that I keep my phone on me all the time as I have a job where I am on standby.  So when she text (which is her nr1 way of communicating) I usually reply straight away.  On Thursday her phone batt was dead when I wanted to call so I couldn't.  22:00 the night she texted me her phone is Ok.

we had this exchange:

Her: Cool... .ok the power is out and phone on 2% as soon ass Ot goes back on I can charge ohone and we can chat if u like x

Me: Ahhh ok darling.  Il chat then.  If you are not asleep. Hahaha

Her: Our electricity is back on! How is the Survivor Marathon going?

Me: Hey boo boo licious! How's the hangover

Her: Much better thanks

1 hour later

Her: Hi can't keep eyes open any more but u must obviously be having a good time at ur sisters. Chat tomorrow maybe then.sweet dreams

Me: Just got home now.

Her: Nt nt

Me: Also so tired eyes shutting. Night my love.  Talk tmwr after yoga

Her : Was hoping u were going to phone tonight but understand obviously difficult if u were watching movies.sweet dreams chat another time

Me: Me too baby. Missing you so much and the doggies miss you too. Tired.  Meet you in dreamland xxx

The next morning she laid in on me that we must sleep in separate bedrooms.  And I replied by saying we can have a conversation in person as I didn't want to validate over sms.  She then said after 2 hours of texts and me deflecting that she wants to live separately.  I said OK, I will yield on that request and we can talk about.  I think she wanted me to beg her to not move out.  After that silent treatment. 

She is back tomorrow from holiday.  She is still upset about me not phoning.   I am not meeting her needs.  She now believes that I am stinging her along and don't love her.

how do I approach this.  I honestly ALWAYS answer her and keep in contact.  But this one time now means I don't love her.  How to cope?

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[an0ught]

Hi itgirl,

The next morning she laid in on me that we must sleep in separate bedrooms.  And I replied by saying we can have a conversation in person as I didn't want to validate over sms.  She then said after 2 hours of texts and me deflecting that she wants to live separately.  I said OK, I will yield on that request and we can talk about.  I think she wanted me to beg her to not move out.  After that silent treatment.  

She is back tomorrow from holiday.  She is still upset about me not phoning.   I am not meeting her needs.  She now believes that I am stinging her along and don't love her.

how do I approach this.  I honestly ALWAYS answer her and keep in contact.  But this one time now means I don't love her.  How to cope?

how to cope? Not getting too upset. Realize that she can get worked up over nothing and it is not your duty to fix it. And once she is worked up anything can happen and again not your responsibility. How to cope? Take good care of yourself and radical acceptance that your partner is prone of extreme movements for little reason. Also includes the chance of another quick movement in another direction.

It is hard to tell what made her upset. Maybe she was feeling alone and abandoned? Not your fault but still she may feel bad about not being in contact with you. You could have validated that the lack of contact sucks, anxious not being able to reach out and glad it is working again. But that is past. Who knows what is driving her the next time you interact?

A boundary like not making major decisions via phone is a good idea. In general with hypersensitivity it is important for us not to over-react. Even a normal reaction may already be over-reacting to a situation. While over-reacting in our actions is not a good idea in general - being very explicit/loud in our validation may be fine or even a good idea.

How to approach the next conversation? Not sure. The topic still could be vivid in her mind or it could be ages away. I guess open, flexible (but with solid idea of your boundaries) and listening as it is a good idea in any discussion with a pwBPD.

[babyducks]

Hi itgirl,

a couple of suggestions on how to handle this from your side.

First, give yourself credit for recognizing this as an emotional dsyregulation, which could be fueled by the distance, the hangover, the family dynamics that she is being exposed to or twenty other things that you can't guess at.   

Second, distance yourself from it.   anOught is spot on with his advice.   It's not your job to fix this, you didn't cause it, can't control it.   In fact, you jumping into it robs her of the ability to soothe herself and become responsible for her own emotions.  Assisting them to feel better, when taken to extremes can be a form of enabling bad behavior, so my two cents is I would let silence reign here.  The risk, of course, is that she will dig herself further into an emotional hole but again that is something you can't control.  Let the storm blow through.

Third suggestion is find a way to take care of your emotions from the storm.   Go do something you enjoy to dump your stress from what had to be an unpleasant episode.  Ride your bike?  Head to the park?   Find a way to create a serenity bubble around yourself.

Last suggestion is when she re-surfaces, and attempts to dump her emotions on you for this, don't accept them.  Be mindful of JADE.  I'm not finding a lot to validate in this exchange.   So I would be careful to not validate the invalid.  Yup it can be hard to away from home and it can be difficult to be amongst family members.   It's hard to tell what the target of the validation is here.   Taking a wild stab at it I would guess, some one in her family, her parents,  did something that felt unloving to her and that quickly spiraled into no one loves her.   

good luck and come back and let us know how you made out.

'ducks

[an0ught]

The JADE comment is valuabe. I would add the #1 challenge here is not doing the right thing but avoiding making matters worse. Invalidating her by ignoring the drama or by trying to fix the emergency - both in quote - are common traps.

Acknowlege her pain but stay yourself. Her world is b&w. Yours is grey or maybe at times colorful. She is not always able to get you and trying may overwhelm her.

[itgirl]

Thank you both for your valuable suggestions.

Ducks - I think you hit the nail on the head with the guess that her parents said something that made her feel bad and she started blaming me.

She came home and I received the cold shoulder.  Subsequently ended up sleeping in the spare bedroom.    I followed the advise you guys gave me and I didn't over-react.  She said that I must make this and that changes otherwise we must break up.  I took my PJs and slept in the other bedroom.

This morning she came to drink her tea with me in bed.  We will still have "the talk" tonight.  Lets hope I can stay clear of the midfields.

[Loosestrife]

Hi, I'm

Sorry you are going through this, it's an all too familiar situation for me. It sounds positive that she came to drink her tea with you and she's willing to have the talk. I hope it goes okay

[itgirl]

Well, I have been painted black.  Called being selfish and she is done with the relationship. 

What happened yesterday?  Well I heard some great news at work regarding moving to another company which is awesome.  I came home the same time as her last night as we had late meetings at work regarding the possible take-over.  She forgot her key the morning so I had to open for her.  when she got in she was furious at a work colleague.  I was super happy as I had the news from work.

She went to the kitchen and I have not done the groceries shopping and there were no food.  I knew that but had to open up for her so couldn't go to the shops.  I put on some casual clothes and went to car to go buy food.  I forgot my key and when I walked back in she was speaking to her mom.  She yelled at me and I thought well then I will just go the spare room and sleep there.

She wanted me to obviously let her vent her frustrations from work.  But that happens every day.  So this one day I had good news for a dream job she cant put her stuff aside and be happy for me.

She just texted me that is over and we don't have anything to talk about she made up her mind.

So I am painted black and don't know how to proceed through the storm to avoid a breakup. 

[waverider]

Don't think you can direct this, as the underlying causes have nothing to do with you. The issues she is expressing are just vehicles to vent her anger and frustration.

Stay open to listening, but dont try to fix, as you will end up addressing the wrong issues and hence invalidating.

Your good news is probably just rubbing salt into the wound of whatever her bad issue is.

Giving you bad news (break up0 is her way of bringing back down into the same emotional state as her, and hence" normalizing" her own state

Most likely she will have to work her frustrations through before anything sensible stats to occur.

[itgirl]

She came home last night in a very angry state.  Just a question from me asking:  "Why are you home early?"  Set her off!  She yelled and made sure the neighbours hear everything.  That was it from me and I packed my bag and slept at my moms house.

She is so impulsive.  Contacting the estate agent.  Cancelling the lease.  I am not sure if she is testing me or darn serious.  I am trying my best not to get dragged down to her emotional state. 

I am trying to listen and not react.  She is furious cause I didn't reply to her walls of text.  I told her not discussing relationship while I am at work.  And not over text.  She refuses to talk in person.  So we are at a standstill with no communication. 

I think she wants me to say I will change.  Her mind is racing trying to find fault with things I have done the last couple of months.  Even so far as blaming me for getting Bronchitis.  That's cause my dad died and she had to take a week off work.  Then had to make up the lost hours and that gave her Bronchitis.  My fault!

I will go home tonight and hopefully she would have calmed down.  I guess she wont be.  I will a bag packed ready to escape if the rage in her comes out. 

[babyducks]

I am sorry you are going through this itgirl.   I find the "it's your fault and you must change" stuff hard to deal with.   I find it very difficult to see the difference between reacting to rage and responding to the rage.   I think taking your bag and heading to mom's is a good response.

I think we have all had times where our SO has set up no-win communication scenarios.   Hang in there.

[Loosestrife]

I agree, if she hasn't calmed down by tonight I would probably go away for a couple of nights anyway to get some headspace. It's a fine line between you trying to converse normally (i.e "you're home early" and treading on eggshells. I think the only thing you can do is listen and say you are sorry she feels like that,  but not apologise for anything you have supposedly done. I would tell her you love her and you are trying your best and ask if there is anything you can do to help. Try to smile sympathetically and be as warm as possible with the tone of your voice... .Good luck  

[sweetheart]

Hello itgirl,

This is not about you at all, so as waverider said validate only the emotion, try not to get drawn into any of the dysregulated behaviour around her leaving, the job, the food etc. because then it becomes about you and that's where your gf is trying to put her upset.

Can you stay somewhere else until she gets back to baseline, and she will eventually calm down, you know this  

What options do you have to minimise your exposure to the dysregulation for the time being?

[itgirl]

Thank you all for your advice. 

babyducks:  I cant change for her as she wants to.  As her anger is totally unwarranted.   I cant change not going to work stuff so she can have food when she arrives home. Its not a five star hotel. 

Sweetheart and loosestrife:  she just apologies over text saying she is sorry she lost her temper. (I just replied thank you)  I don't want to open the channel for discussion over text as I put up a boundry no relationship talk while I am at work.  However, that doesn't mean she wont be angry still tonight as her mood swings change suddenly.  If she is at all angry and shouting I will go sleep at my moms house again.  I do have that option for this week.  And my sister also told me that I must look at past experience.  She will always come back and never leave me.  However they encourage me to pull the trigger myself and leave. 

My challenge will be to not cry and react to her breaking up and just to try and stay centered.  A huge challenge that will be.

[sweetheart]

Remember this pattern of dysregulated behaviour is something you know she does and that's to your advantage in keeping you from being reactive, invalidating her and feeding the fire 

So good, go sleep at your mums if things start to escalate again. Eventually she will be able to self soothe enough to let you know what the real trigger was.

[babyducks]

babyducks:  I cant change for her as she wants to.  As her anger is totally unwarranted.   I cant change not going to work stuff so she can have food when she arrives home. Its not a five star hotel. 

Absolutely right itgirl.   Totally 100% agree.   It seems I didn't explain myself well.   I meant to say I have a very difficult time when I get a barrage of you must change to meet my needs.   It pisses me off.   The only person who gets to decide to change me is, well ME.

How are you doing today?

[waverider]

   I cant change not going to work stuff so she can have food when she arrives home. Its not a five star hotel. 

I get triggered with this, the house can be stocked like a supermarket. But if she has ploughed through whatever her current food fad is and the packet's empty, she gets very pissed and announces there's nothing to eat in the house and "demands' i immediately go out and get it as not fair that she has nothing to eat, at which point i am expected to feel sorry for her...

Boundary time, every time, I will shop when its convenient for me. I can stop myself jumping to meet the need, but The reaction to the blocking of immediate gratification never seems to diminish though.