I have "survived", but now feel compelled to help my BPD ex

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Hi all, I first want to thank everyone on here for the support and even just posting your stories. It has been a tremendous crutch in this healing process... seeking answers and understanding, being able to relate to similar experiences. I will give a quick breakdown of my story, and then propose my question. Thanks so much for reading...

    So, I posted before about my more or less "common" BPD relationship. The most connected I have ever felt, talk of growing old together for years, right up until the end when one frustrated call caused her to do a 180. No closure, no empathy or explanation. Just another guy immediately.

    As everyone else on here, I was shattered,shocked, no answers and couldnt make sense of it. I did the no contact thing for the first 2 months after my initial pleas and questioning following the break up. I just couldnt shake it though, I was in such despair. I broke down and emailed her asking "why?" How could she be so cold, and punishing, no closing words after years of professing love and soul mates, etc. I wasnt cruel, but made her feel bad that she could treat someone that way, let alone me who had been there for her in dark times. This made her feel shameful and so she called. She gave me a bunch of bs reasoning again, but I was able to look back clearly now and tell her I saw past the crap, and nothing justifies what she did, that I was nothing but good to her. She cried and said I was right, she is broken and was sorry. I told her that in knowing her so well, and everything I read, that I thought she had BPD. She was receptive as she knows something isnt right. She asked how it would affect her boys, etc. She even said thank you for planting the seed.

    I felt good, like I had my closure. Two days later, I hit a low that I have NEVER experienced. I was in the fetal position in my bed in a darkness. I am sad to admit that I turned suicidal and wrote her another email. I said she should know what she did to me, she should feel the guilt. She ended up calling me, which I ignored for a while, I was just blank and didnt care anymore. I eventually answered and she was frantic, wanting to help, calling my family etc. It was a big ordeal, but it lead to my actual closure. I asked her why again, how I meant nothing so quickly and how I was suicidal and she mourned none, had another man.

   She cried so deeply, and said she loved me so effing much, and it scared her. She never wanted to feel left again. (our demise was a phone call in which I said I wanted to assess things after a suicidal meltdown of hers). She felt abandonment and couldnt take it. She said she doesnt know who she is or why she does things, and that she is sad every day of her life. Then, the big revelation, the final piece to the puzzle that I was already sure was BPD... .she said she is broken and has hated herself since a kid when she would look in the mirror.

      I literally went from staring at a bottle of aspirin I was going to consume, to immense empathy and compassion for this woman I cared for so much for so long. It was no longer about my hurt, but the realization and understanding of what she is going through. I have read so much on what its like for them, and although their actions to us nons are cruel, and lack empathy, I realize she is in survival mode under the mask, and she is not thinking of my feelings. The next guy is feeding her need for affection when she thought I would leave.

    Now my question, do I reach out and help? Offer to be a support in any way, tell her again about seeking help for BPD? Let her know Im not mad, just care for her as a person, as always.  Perhaps I am too kind, but I cant bear the thought that she is suffering daily and I am prob the only one who has seen that deeply and know how to help. There is a high suicide rate with BPD as well, and I dont know that I could deal with that knowing I didnt try. She was receptive before, and it has to come from within her... but I want to write her a letter after things have cooled down (she blocked me on FB after the suicidal thing) and tell her Im still the caring man I always was, and that she doesnt have to be ashamed or feel vulnerable with me. Let her know I see how she feels.  I just KNOW for a fact that she felt more comfortable with me than anyone else ever(she would tell her sisters, and they told me), I also know the extreme, unusual circumstances in the end lead her to telling me about the self loathing all her life.

     I know there is a lot of hurt nons on this forum, but I dont view her in an angry manner as I did now that I see the true hurting girl inside. I want nothing more than to be a support to her in this endeavor also. Any thoughts would be appreciated, especially from BPD sufferers. Thanks!

[molitor]

Hi all, I first want to thank everyone on here for the support and even just posting your stories. It has been a tremendous crutch in this healing process... seeking answers and understanding, being able to relate to similar experiences. I will give a quick breakdown of my story, and then propose my question. Thanks so much for reading...

    So, I posted before about my more or less "common" BPD relationship. The most connected I have ever felt, talk of growing old together for years, right up until the end when one frustrated call caused her to do a 180. No closure, no empathy or explanation. Just another guy immediately.

    As everyone else on here, I was shattered,shocked, no answers and couldnt make sense of it. I did the no contact thing for the first 2 months after my initial pleas and questioning following the break up. I just couldnt shake it though, I was in such despair. I broke down and emailed her asking "why?" How could she be so cold, and punishing, no closing words after years of professing love and soul mates, etc. I wasnt cruel, but made her feel bad that she could treat someone that way, let alone me who had been there for her in dark times. This made her feel shameful and so she called. She gave me a bunch of bs reasoning again, but I was able to look back clearly now and tell her I saw past the crap, and nothing justifies what she did, that I was nothing but good to her. She cried and said I was right, she is broken and was sorry. I told her that in knowing her so well, and everything I read, that I thought she had BPD. She was receptive as she knows something isnt right. She asked how it would affect her boys, etc. She even said thank you for planting the seed.

    I felt good, like I had my closure. Two days later, I hit a low that I have NEVER experienced. I was in the fetal position in my bed in a darkness. I am sad to admit that I turned suicidal and wrote her another email. I said she should know what she did to me, she should feel the guilt. She ended up calling me, which I ignored for a while, I was just blank and didnt care anymore. I eventually answered and she was frantic, wanting to help, calling my family etc. It was a big ordeal, but it lead to my actual closure. I asked her why again, how I meant nothing so quickly and how I was suicidal and she mourned none, had another man.

   She cried so deeply, and said she loved me so effing much, and it scared her. She never wanted to feel left again. (our demise was a phone call in which I said I wanted to assess things after a suicidal meltdown of hers). She felt abandonment and couldnt take it. She said she doesnt know who she is or why she does things, and that she is sad every day of her life. Then, the big revelation, the final piece to the puzzle that I was already sure was BPD... .she said she is broken and has hated herself since a kid when she would look in the mirror.

      I literally went from staring at a bottle of aspirin I was going to consume, to immense empathy and compassion for this woman I cared for so much for so long. It was no longer about my hurt, but the realization and understanding of what she is going through. I have read so much on what its like for them, and although their actions to us nons are cruel, and lack empathy, I realize she is in survival mode under the mask, and she is not thinking of my feelings. The next guy is feeding her need for affection when she thought I would leave.

    Now my question, do I reach out and help? Offer to be a support in any way, tell her again about seeking help for BPD? Let her know Im not mad, just care for her as a person, as always.  Perhaps I am too kind, but I cant bear the thought that she is suffering daily and I am prob the only one who has seen that deeply and know how to help. There is a high suicide rate with BPD as well, and I dont know that I could deal with that knowing I didnt try. She was receptive before, and it has to come from within her... but I want to write her a letter after things have cooled down (she blocked me on FB after the suicidal thing) and tell her Im still the caring man I always was, and that she doesnt have to be ashamed or feel vulnerable with me. Let her know I see how she feels.  I just KNOW for a fact that she felt more comfortable with me than anyone else ever(she would tell her sisters, and they told me), I also know the extreme, unusual circumstances in the end lead her to telling me about the self loathing all her life.

     I know there is a lot of hurt nons on this forum, but I dont view her in an angry manner as I did now that I see the true hurting girl inside. I want nothing more than to be a support to her in this endeavor also. Any thoughts would be appreciated, especially from BPD sufferers. Thanks!

[valet]

Hey molitor, I'm sorry for what you're going through.

These kinds of relationships are generally very difficult to process, as I'm sure you know. It's a lot of work, and it's very painful.

I understand your empathy. I went through a similar experience with my pwBPD. She seemed very rough, and I just wanted to help her. It's normal to want to help someone you love.

The important thing to note here, is that by 'helping' her do you think that you would enabling her behavior, or perhaps placing yourself in another unhealthy Karpman drama triangle with your replacement?

[molitor]

Hey Valet, thanks for the reply. I have considered that by me writing and leaving the door open, she may try and rekindle things if my replacement becomes boring or they split. I know that it would open wounds for me, but I also know I couldnt go back knowing what I do now. I didnt think I would be enabling, but perhaps you could explain better? I just want to let her know that she doesnt have to feel vulnerable, that the one person who has seen her to the core (me), is not validating that she is unworthy and needs to continue wearing that mask. I want her to seek help, her happiness, and that I still have not abandoned her, but only as a caring person who knows her secret.

   I hear they dont care, she has clearly pushed me away and blocked me... but I also know deep down she knows I care for her, and she was receptive to the BPD thing before. I just have a hard time moving on in life knowing what I do, having seen her inner tormented self... .

[apollotech]

She cried so deeply, and said she loved me so effing much, and it scared her. She never wanted to feel left again. (our demise was a phone call in which I said I wanted to assess things after a suicidal meltdown of hers). She felt abandonment and couldnt take it. She said she doesnt know who she is or why she does things, and that she is sad every day of her life. Then, the big revelation, the final piece to the puzzle that I was already sure was BPD... .she said she is broken and has hated herself since a kid when she would look in the mirror.

Hi molitor,

I think your friend has been quite honest here. Her first statement (in bold) appears to be engulfment triggered, but it could simply be a bleed over into her following statements (underlined). I think she felt that the attachment was dissolving, or was going to be dissolved via "your" assessment (you have control of the attachment), so she split you black and discarded you. (You'll see that scenario a lot on the boards: if the attachment is threatened (the pwBPD loses control of the attachment's continuation), whether real or imagined, the Non is split black and discarded.) Borderlines generally don't do well without attachments. As a result, forming new attachments is a priority and said new attachments are quickly formed.

Kudos to her for seeing/admitting that she doesn't know who she is (incomplete/fractured self) and for not knowing/undetstanding why she does what she does (not knowing that she is afflicted with a mental illness or, if diagnosed, this could be denial).

I don't see her saying that she hates herself as proff of BPD. That's not a facet of the diagnostic criteria. In fact, that would seem to run counter to a pwBPD, identifying a "self" to hate. I think, more than likely, she was simply trying to state her feelings with an imperfect tool, language.

Clearly she is aware that she has issues, but has she taken steps to address those? I personally don't think you can help someone in a situation such as this unless they commit to helping themselves. Have you spoken with her about therapy? If so, was she open to those discussions? If all of that was positive, it is still up to her to embrace therapy and commit to a positive outcome.

[Fleur2013]

I'm a newbie here and am in the processes of resolving and sorting things out,so I hope I can offer some advice. I don't think that you can help her and I fear that you are putting yourself at risk just considering. Although you feel that you are insightful enough to NOT fall back into a relationship with her, not only is their lure intoxicating, you have a history together. I think it's the makings of more heartache for both of you.

Fleur