fighting my own anxiety and depression

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

So FI has been having some dysregulation issues lately, much more than he'd been having over the past few years, and I've come back to this board to help not stay bottled up.  He is realizing he has some sort of issue where he knows anger both gets out of hand, and makes him physically ill, so he's working on his own self awareness.

I have a hard time sharing bad feelings with him, myself, and try to contain everything inside, because I was trained like that as a kid, AND I tell myself he can't handle his own emotions and mine together, so I need to just be stronger.  But I am having a really hard time right now, and just need  palace to "talk". 

After 19 years together we are finally planning a wedding - a small, destination elopement.  We have never had a trip more then 4 hours driving from our small rural town, in all our time together, he's never left the state, and we both have never left the country, save a few day-trips across the border south, that given its proximity, hardly count.  So we want at least one nice experience together, and both know that without a wedding to make us do it, it's unlikely we'd be motivated to do so. Also, we've had a rough 2-3 years, and life has very much become work-home-more-work-home-more-work, existence, and this has given me at least something to look forward to. 

It will cost us about $5,000 to get there, and maybe 1-2K more if we want to be less worried about any incidental spending.  I did the math, and barring anything big, it really looked like we could do it.  We'd both been underpaid a long time, and finally had both gotten into jobs that are more in line with our experience and education, and saving was going really well.  But big things keep happening, and I feel like it's useless to hope for anything right now. 

AC repairs for house are needed, minor other issues with the house need fixing (hoping minor), and I took in FI's car for what I hoped would be 1K or less of work, and now I am being told again and again more is needed.  To totally fix up his car, it will cost us half the worth of the car.  3000.  I don't have that.  And so of course I am worried that our trip next spring is just another pipe dream, something that I want but will never have, and that I am fool for even thinking we could do it. 

There is no family on my side to ask for help, I am NC with them or they are deceased. I have been on my own since 19, with help from FIs family as they could do so.

The car was a 'gift' from them, to make up for never buying FI a car even though his siblings each got one and we actually paid them for about 1.5-2 years for it, but they got it as collateral on a loan from a friend of theirs and they never checked it out.  The more we have it, the more we find needs work, and don't know how to mention it to them, and don't want to ask them for help with either car OR wedding.  This is a long standing sore spot with FI, how his siblings were treated (or perceived to be treated, given his udBPD thought patterns), and I was trying to give him a birthday gift of getting it fixed up.  And I can't, so I feel like a failure.  I can't fix his car without cleaning out savings.  If I clean out savings, we have no property tax money or wedding fund.  We are both taking on freelance jobs to help make more cash, but I am just tired of working all day, and working at home, or feeling guilty for time not spent sewing or working on my PC.

I called the dealership service people to try to see when I could pick up the car after the repairs FI and I decided we  could afford, and they tried telling me yet another 800 is needed to fix yet another item.  I had to cry.  I am spending 1000 to get the power steering fixed, and they say they still can't do it because some gear needs replacing, now, too.  So I had to tell them to just get it back together, change the damn oil already and get it back to me.  So after 1000, it will still make funny sounds when the wheels turn, or be tough to turn at low speeds, but by golly, it has a new battery, power steering hose and pump.  The AC we had to forget fixing as it was 800, too. I can't tell if they are being honest, or fleecing me because I am a woman and because of where I work they think I can afford this.  And even thinking that makes me upset and sad.  I work at a college, but I am not faculty.  Staff is not paid very high.  I buy my office work clothes at Goodwill or off ebay sales. 

I am just tired of feeling like it's a struggle to do anything more than go to work and come home.

I am finding myself with some panic attacks throughout the day, and fighting sleep maintenance insomnia where my average night is about 4-4.5 hours of sleep, no matter how early I go to bed.  Last night was a miracle, I got about 6 hours of sleep on a work night.  But I am still fighting shakes now and then, rapid breathing, and nausea/digestion issues.  I am tired.  Constantly.  I can't lose weight without dropping caloric intake below 900 a day, and I bet a big part of that is lack of sleep.

Sorry, I just needed to "talk".

[isilme]

So FI has been having some dysregulation issues lately, much more than he'd been having over the past few years, and I've come back to this board to help not stay bottled up.  He is realizing he has some sort of issue where he knows anger both gets out of hand, and makes him physically ill, so he's working on his own self awareness.

I have a hard time sharing bad feelings with him, myself, and try to contain everything inside, because I was trained like that as a kid, AND I tell myself he can't handle his own emotions and mine together, so I need to just be stronger.  But I am having a really hard time right now, and just need  palace to "talk". 

After 19 years together we are finally planning a wedding - a small, destination elopement.  We have never had a trip more then 4 hours driving from our small rural town, in all our time together, he's never left the state, and we both have never left the country, save a few day-trips across the border south, that given its proximity, hardly count.  So we want at least one nice experience together, and both know that without a wedding to make us do it, it's unlikely we'd be motivated to do so. Also, we've had a rough 2-3 years, and life has very much become work-home-more-work-home-more-work, existence, and this has given me at least something to look forward to. 

It will cost us about $5,000 to get there, and maybe 1-2K more if we want to be less worried about any incidental spending.  I did the math, and barring anything big, it really looked like we could do it.  We'd both been underpaid a long time, and finally had both gotten into jobs that are more in line with our experience and education, and saving was going really well.  But big things keep happening, and I feel like it's useless to hope for anything right now. 

AC repairs for house are needed, minor other issues with the house need fixing (hoping minor), and I took in FI's car for what I hoped would be 1K or less of work, and now I am being told again and again more is needed.  To totally fix up his car, it will cost us half the worth of the car.  3000.  I don't have that.  And so of course I am worried that our trip next spring is just another pipe dream, something that I want but will never have, and that I am fool for even thinking we could do it. 

There is no family on my side to ask for help, I am NC with them or they are deceased. I have been on my own since 19, with help from FIs family as they could do so.

The car was a 'gift' from them, to make up for never buying FI a car even though his siblings each got one and we actually paid them for about 1.5-2 years for it, but they got it as collateral on a loan from a friend of theirs and they never checked it out.  The more we have it, the more we find needs work, and don't know how to mention it to them, and don't want to ask them for help with either car OR wedding.  This is a long standing sore spot with FI, how his siblings were treated (or perceived to be treated, given his udBPD thought patterns), and I was trying to give him a birthday gift of getting it fixed up.  And I can't, so I feel like a failure.  I can't fix his car without cleaning out savings.  If I clean out savings, we have no property tax money or wedding fund.  We are both taking on freelance jobs to help make more cash, but I am just tired of working all day, and working at home, or feeling guilty for time not spent sewing or working on my PC.

I called the dealership service people to try to see when I could pick up the car after the repairs FI and I decided we  could afford, and they tried telling me yet another 800 is needed to fix yet another item.  I had to cry.  I am spending 1000 to get the power steering fixed, and they say they still can't do it because some gear needs replacing, now, too.  So I had to tell them to just get it back together, change the damn oil already and get it back to me.  So after 1000, it will still make funny sounds when the wheels turn, or be tough to turn at low speeds, but by golly, it has a new battery, power steering hose and pump.  The AC we had to forget fixing as it was 800, too. I can't tell if they are being honest, or fleecing me because I am a woman and because of where I work they think I can afford this.  And even thinking that makes me upset and sad.  I work at a college, but I am not faculty.  Staff is not paid very high.  I buy my office work clothes at Goodwill or off ebay sales. 

I am just tired of feeling like it's a struggle to do anything more than go to work and come home.

I am finding myself with some panic attacks throughout the day, and fighting sleep maintenance insomnia where my average night is about 4-4.5 hours of sleep, no matter how early I go to bed.  Last night was a miracle, I got about 6 hours of sleep on a work night.  But I am still fighting shakes now and then, rapid breathing, and nausea/digestion issues.  I am tired.  Constantly.  I can't lose weight without dropping caloric intake below 900 a day, and I bet a big part of that is lack of sleep.

Sorry, I just needed to "talk".

[WhatJustHappened?]

I'm really sorry you're having a rough go with the "double wammy". I'm having some success with the MoodGYM module that is linked to this site. It has helped me to at least understand some of my distorted thinking.

I also suffer from panic attacks too. Have you tried:

1.) Take a deep breath

2.) While doing so, tighten all of your muscles

3.) Hold for as long as possible

4.) Exhale

Have you considered therapy or medication? If you're not getting good sleep, your problems will just become bigger and much harder to think through. W/O sleep, things get very blue for me.

Maybe write down your current financial challenges and do a pros and cons list of each? Maybe that can help you prioritize and put things into perspective?