Specific Months?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

When my BPDex and I broke up 3 weeks ago all of her friends texted me and said "We aren't even taking this seriously, this is just her July thing."

Last July, she got into a massive fight with her family and didn't speak to them for a month (She was also combative with me occasionally), the July before that she had a major eating disorder, The July before that she got into a physical altercation with a good friend... .Who knows the July's before that... .

Does anyone have experience in this? Does anyone know if certain months trigger rage and strange behavior? Should be bracing myself for her contact to me when her "July thing" blows over?

[OopsIDidItAgain]

When my BPDex and I broke up 3 weeks ago all of her friends texted me and said "We aren't even taking this seriously, this is just her July thing."

Last July, she got into a massive fight with her family and didn't speak to them for a month (She was also combative with me occasionally), the July before that she had a major eating disorder, The July before that she got into a physical altercation with a good friend... .Who knows the July's before that... .

Does anyone have experience in this? Does anyone know if certain months trigger rage and strange behavior? Should be bracing myself for her contact to me when her "July thing" blows over?

[Heldfast]

Mine is triggered in December around holidays. She left me out of the blue after a two and a half year relationship and engagement on December 15, apparently had left the boyfriend before me out of the blue on December 24 after a nearly three year relationship. Something about the upcoming holidays maybe... .

[OopsIDidItAgain]

Did she contact you shortly after that?

I'm trying to prepare myself for this, I just know she's not good for me, and she needs to realize that she needs help. Her bipolar disorder is also out of control right now.

[Heldfast]

She waited a month, and it was a cold, cruel call when it finally came. I was, and believe still am, painted black. She had a replacement lined up for me though. But remember, even though the symptoms are all from the same playbook, the individuals manifest them differently. So you never know what you're going to get. The best you can do is be the best for you, and put yourself in the mindset that, if you wish to engage her towards a return to the relationship, you are in a position to do so from one of understanding but with healthy boundaries. This may help somewhat, www.BPDcentral.com/blog/?Tips-for-Communicating-with-Someone-With-Borderline-Disorder-8

[OopsIDidItAgain]

I still honestly don't know what I want this outcome

To be.

My "replacement" was a mutual friend who was like... .A lesser confident, less attractive and very overweight version of me. This girl also has very low self esteem. My friend saw what my ex was doing and started to think this was a big game for attention and completely dropped their friendship. She may be trying to get another replacemen who knows.

[Heldfast]

My replacement was a shorter, more overweight, hipster wannabe, also less confident... .I think mine was a narcissist looking for new supply. He'll do for her for now, then she'll be on to the next new thing, the person or type doesn't matter, just the attention.

[OopsIDidItAgain]

Do they all find replacements? Before me, mine seemed to stay single and just do random hookups. Her serious relationship before me was a year before

[Heldfast]

All a little different. Mine had random hookups to fill gaps (later learned), but usually went into relationships immediately after breakups with little intermission. I later found out she even left a guy who refused to sleep with her right away... .wow.

[OopsIDidItAgain]

I'm being very cautious with mine... I was honestly her caretaker. Paid our rent, paid for food, cooked, cleaned took her on vacations... Bought her things... .Was even going to pay for her school.

I don't know how she's going to be able to deal. Either she gets her hooks in a rich person ASAP or she comes back to me but even then... .I'm just going to wonder if I'm being used.

I feel so stupid, I just am trying not to be weak when she contacts (if she does)

[Meadowslark]

My guess is that she's triggered by the month of July for whatever reason. Something must've happened to her in July many years ago and she's repeating the cycle of chaos over and over and over.

My sister wasn't triggered by a particular month. Simply being was a trigger for her.

[OopsIDidItAgain]

Was there anything that was done to help your sister or did she just ride it out?

I want to be there for her, I really do. I guess I'm so lost and confused right now.

[Meadowslark]

Was there anything that was done to help your sister or did she just ride it out?

I want to be there for her, I really do. I guess I'm so lost and confused right now.

Honestly, nothing my mother or I did would help my sister. BPDsis is diagnosed and has all nine criteria in spades. The doctors at the latest hospital (she's been to a couple) said she's the worst case they'd ever seen. 

Of course, take that with a grain of salt - we didn't know about BPD until it was really too late. We suspected for about 6 months prior to that particular hospitalization, but the formal diagnosis had to wait until then. I tried validating, "I'm sorry you feel X, what can I do to help?" or "That sounds awfully [negative emotion]" but she'd turn it around into a verbal attack on you every time. She threatened to assault me the last time I tried validating her feelings, so I just gave up. Sometimes you cannot help them.

My guess is that your Ex's "July thing" will be over eventually and she'll pretend as if it never happened. That seems to be a common behavior. Believe me, a great many of us know that anxiety and frustration - we want to help, but nothing seems to work. We want to be there for them, but they push us away.

The real question is, do you want a relationship with her? Do you want her to contact you? And furthermore, what would you get out of it? BPD is a heinously selfish and destructive set of problems. Do you want that in your life?

[OopsIDidItAgain]

Sounds very familiar. I tried to get my exes family to hospitalize her once a few months ago when she believed out of the blue she was medium and was hearing voices of ghosts. She was even calling family members to give them "messages" from passed on spirits. Now, I totally believe in that stuff but you don't wake up one day and hear spirits. This was triggered by someone who was a medium telling her she had "gifts" and could sharpen her gifts for a 6 weeks $1,500 class.  She also did a lot of things at the time I would say were obsessive mood shifts.

Everyone here is telling me she's not good for me. Last text from a friend I got about her says ":)o not contact her. She's selfish, mean and she doesn't deserve someone like you"

I want the girl I met, I want her when she's lucid... .I want to be the one that cheers her on to get the help she needs.

I guess I'm just stuck... Stuck in feeling that she's gone for good since she took everything I had to give her and threw it all away. I feel defeated, I feel like I lost my best friend.

[Meadowslark]

The truth of the matter is BPD isn't good for anybody and our job, as nons, is to judge whether or not keeping this person in our lives is healthy and sustainable for us. It's terrible that people we love suffer with it. You can't divorce a parent or a sibling or extended family, and likewise you don't want to leave a lover or a friend. It's so difficult and heartbreaking, it really is. And we understand that confused feeling, that stuck feeling and all that defeat because we feel it too.

I mourn the loss of the sister I wanted to have. She's simply too toxic and too dangerous to have a relationship with until she wakes up and realizes that she is responsible for her actions.

PX, we all want the person we love when they're lucid, but there's nothing we can do to get them to get help they don't want. That's the sad thing - as much as we'd love to hold their hand and show them the way to treatment and lucidity with love and kindness and compassion, they won't go unless they want it. The old saying is that, "you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink."

You had mentioned that she took everything you had to give and threw it all away. That's a very heartbreaking and familiar story and I'm very sorry you have to bear this burden of awful feelings of defeat and sadness.    It takes a very long time sometimes to come to terms with what BPD truly is, and what damage it does not only to the sufferer, but everyone around them. I'm 8 months into NC with my sister and there are still times I get upset that she is the way she is.

The best thing you can do right now is practice self-care. You can't control what she does, but you can control what you do. What can you do to take care of yourself right now? Do you have a support network outside of this forum? Friends and/or family you can lean on too? Of course, we'll be here to support you as well.

[OopsIDidItAgain]

Wow... That was so well written and that seriously helped me so much just by reading it. Thank you very much for that.

That must be hard going 8 months without talking to a sibling. It must be so very frustrating to watch. It seems you are understanding. My exes siblings just chalk her up to being a "b___" and selfish. Your sister is lucky that you still care.

I have a support network but most seem to be non understanding of her illness and just would rather say "she's mean and selfish" and while yes, she is those things... It's a disorder that makes her that way. When she's lucid she's she's not mean at all. I just feel like they don't understand and telling me to move on is raiser said than done.

I just have a gut feeling she's going to reach out. I want to make sure I'm well enough and able to be there for her. Me leaving for good was a big step, me practicing NC is a very big step. I'm trying so hard to take care of me right now and I feel like it's slowly happening. But at the same time, I want to know she's alright.

[Skip]

I'm just waiting... .Stupidly waiting for that text of a promise that she wants "us"again, that she wants to try one more time. I know she's BPD, I know I can't fix her, but I want to try. I keep thinking "doesn't she deserve to be loved?"

I was so good to her and she told me to leave, then started telling everyone (and me!) that I left her! I'm so confused right now... But all I want to do is make it right again. I miss her and hate her at the same time.

This is a complicated situation many of us face. The relationship in turmoil and, underlying that , the person in turmoil.

To answer your first question - in any relationship where the other person has broken up, we have to reset ourselves.  The idea that the person will contact us and we jump back in is pretty flawed - the drama usually repeats. It is much wiser to wait, be responsive, but let the other person pull us back in.  It is also important to use the down time to rethink who we were in the relationship and how we can change to make it different.  Be careful not to getr caught up in the "its all them" thinking.  It was a relationship. You both own the conflict.

The second question is the underlying struggle your partner has and your ability to operate in that environment in a healthy way. Are you compatible?  Is she stable stable enough that a relationship (even with therapy goals) can be had.  For example, we have members come here with a partner who is a serial cheater or an addict. Add all that together (addiction, BPD, incompatibility, and relationship repair) and that specific recovery might be impossible.  Every relationship/person is different and has to be assess.

So. 

1) How do you play it cool to recreate the pull in the relationship?

2) How can you change to make the relationship work better for you? For her?

3) How do you assess the combination of secondary issues, degree of BPD, compatibility of styles, and relationship scarring?

[OopsIDidItAgain]

Skip,

Thank you for replying.

I do not at all blame her for everything. In fact, I wish I listened to my therapist when she told me months ago that I should research BPD and understand the relationship I was in was getting abusive. I honestly feel like with the tools here, I could have made myself a better partner to her. Would it have worked? I don't know.

Were we compatible? I would say yes. I mean to everyone else we were the ideal couple. All her friends would say "She's matured so much since she's met you. She's like a different person" that alone leads me to believe she loved me and we worked. I strongly believe we worked.

Was the relationship getting abusive? It was... I felt completely devauled regardless of what I did to try and make her happy. I shouldn't have tried to buy her happiness. But I've never in my life been as financially secure as I am now so I always figured. Why not? Why not get her what she wants to make her happy. I can't be the only SO who does this to make the person they love happy. It was also making me happy too. I like going on vacations, so I got to benefit from these too.

The devauling came when it started to feel more like a project than a partnership. She wanted to have all these nice things and have me take her all these places but she couldn't help me around the house? I felt like I was parent of a bratty child at times. All I ever wanted was for her to cook, clean, do laundry, work more hours... .You know... Be a grownup with me.

Adulting sucks, adulting is hard work. I don't want to be an adult either but... .Hey I'm 30 soo I guess I have to pay bills and be responsible.

I didn't ask her for much, but I think now understanding her disorder, and willing to be there and help her through therapy is all I want. I have mentioned this to her so many times.

However, I also understand she is an addict. She's an addict unwilling to admit she has a problem and no matter what I do, no matter what I say always turned into a fight. So I allowed her drink without a fight (fighting never worked), I gave her the money so she could buy the sleeping pills, let her buy pot, let her berate me because I just felt defeated and needed to save all my energy for my job.

I don't want to "pull someone in" who doesn't want to be pulled in. My fear is that shes going to come back when I'm with someone else. I love her more than I have ever loved anyone before. I don't know if I can honestly resist her when she does try and pull me in... .

Today, at this exact moment if she texted me and said "I want you back" I would reluctantly talk to her and see how she plans to help herself. I would consider giving us another shot.

I've never been so mentally torn in my entire life. I'm willing to step up and be a better partner but I want to make sure it's because she loves me. Not because she needs me and wants to use me.

[SummerStorm]

Adulting sucks, adulting is hard work. I don't want to be an adult either but... .Hey I'm 30 soo I guess I have to pay bills and be responsible.

Mine used to always say to me, "I refuse to adult, ever."  I told her, "You need to at least partially adult because you are a teacher and are held to higher standards."

The only thing she paid for where she lived from February-April was half the rent.  She didn't help with anything else.  Now, she lives with her boyfriend and doesn't help with anything. 

When she was in "I want to live with you and marry you, SummerStorm" mode and I mentioned looking at houses, she actually said to me, "Real estate is boring.  How about you look at houses while I look at you?"  But here's the kicker.  She then added, "But I think it's time for me to start being high maintenance.  I need at least one large, walk-in closet."  So, she didn't want to mess around with actually looking at houses, but she wanted to make all sorts of demands. 

She always used to tell me that I'm "old" and that she's a "party girl" and "too hardcore" for me.  I didn't bother replying because I knew I would get the "I refuse to adult" comment.  But when she said these things to me, I couldn't help but think, "You are going to be 23 soon.  You aren't in college anymore.  When, exactly, do you think 'real life' starts?" 

[OopsIDidItAgain]

Mine wanted me to recently start looking at houses too. But she didn't want to be on the mortgage, she said "The house is yours, you can just invite me to live there" But at the same time I was like "Since, you want to go to school and not work while going to school... Lets continue to live where we live since the rent is totally manageable, and we can still keep up our lifestyle." She agreed but still pointed out houses she liked. Which was fine with me, it's fun to house shop. I actually was intending on buying a home this year but figured It was best to keep renting if I was going to pay for her school.

Mine called herself a "Party Girl" too. She never called me old but she liked to call me "Boring" when I didn't drink. Or tell me if I didn't drink at friends houses I was being rude. a week before our breakup she yelled at me telling me how rude I was to her friend who came over for dinner because when she walked in the door I said "I know how much you liked my burgers last time, so I'm making them for you again!" when her friend left she was like "That was so rude! she walked in and you made in known you were cooking for HER. Like Oh, look at all this stuff I'm doing for YOU. SO RUDE!"

I was like... ."Umm... no thats not rude, I thought I was being nice." to which she said "It's basic manners!" I'm still confused by this argument.

[SummerStorm]

Yes, one time, when she was at my house, actually the first time we had sex, she kept telling me to drink my beer.  I wasn't thirsty, had no desire to drink it, but she kept saying, ":)rink." In the middle of us making out, she would actually stop and take a drink.

She was only at my house for a few hours, but there were empty bottles all over my room when she went to leave. 

[OopsIDidItAgain]

I can't stop punishing myself for feeling like this was my fault. SO many good things were happening, so many good things were yet to come.

How to assure someone with BPD you would never leave them. I would tell her every single day that she and I were in this together.

I wish I didn't let my temper get the best of me, I had only been in therapy for 3 months before we broke up. I wish I did therapy sooner.

This whole breakup is making me look at myself a lot harder as a person and how I can help myself. I actually stood up to my ex abuser (Not the BPDGF) by pressing charges against him for identity theft that I recently found out about. Old me would have probably just paid the collection bill so they were out of site and out of mind.

I guess whats hard for me to wrap my head around is WHY now? Why when things were getting so good? Why when all I was doing as giving and giving? Should I have been less giving? Should have been more demanding? It just seemed when I was demanding she would get upset.

If I could go back in time I would have never told her about the promotion, I would have just given her a check come school time so she could finish her classes. Maybe the anticipation was too much.

I'm seeing her issues but at the same time, trying to figure out what I could have done better.

[Silveron]

PX,

  You have to read up on BPD.  BPDs have two big fears.  First fear is abandonment.  Second fear is engulfment.  There is that fine line you have to walk in between with them.  Honestly to me it's asinine but to them it's reality.  When things were going good she probably felt she was being engulfed.  Good chance she probably made comments that she 'felt trapped' or 'needs more space'.  It's the mentality they have that makes them vulnerable in making rash decisions.

  Thing is, you won't hear her apologize, IMO I don't believe they feel guilt.  Any wrong decisions they make they blame on you, no matter what they have done to hurt you.

  Honestly think of this as a gift that she is gone.  You would just have years of torment if she didn't leave.

[OopsIDidItAgain]

PX,

Good chance she probably made comments that she 'felt trapped' or 'needs more space'.  It's the mentality they have that makes them vulnerable in making rash decisions.

ALL THE TIME. All the time she told me I didn't give her space, and I didn't allow her to hang out with her friends. I'm not her mom, she could have done what she wanted. It was strange when she went out with her friends she would make this big deal about it being HER night out alone. Then she would call me later that night and insist I come.

She wrote me this long letter once saying I didn't give her the space she needed and how she loved me so much it scared her and she didn't want to push me away.

I don't know how I could have given her any more space.

[SummerStorm]

PX,

Good chance she probably made comments that she 'felt trapped' or 'needs more space'.  It's the mentality they have that makes them vulnerable in making rash decisions.

ALL THE TIME. All the time she told me I didn't give her space, and I didn't allow her to hang out with her friends. I'm not her mom, she could have done what she wanted. It was strange when she went out with her friends she would make this big deal about it being HER night out alone. Then she would call me later that night and insist I come.

She wrote me this long letter once saying I didn't give her the space she needed and how she loved me so much it scared her and she didn't want to push me away.

I don't know how I could have given her any more space.

Yes, I also got the "I love you so much and I'm scared of how I feel" line.

[OopsIDidItAgain]

I can't stop obsessing over this.

Am I truly this codependent on another person or do I just miss her?

Reading so many stories and getting so much good advice, I don't know why I am making myself go so crazy over this.

[Silveron]

It's because you spent so much time being invested in her and believe you know what is best for her.  You want to protect her because you know how capable she is to do harm to herself in a lot of different ways.  Thing is, she's still responsible for herself and when she gets into trouble she will be calling you, however do you really want to be the safety net?

BPDs need boundaries put in front of them and you have to follow through with it.  For example, common sense tells you that if your wife cheats on you that you will leave her.  I had to tell her this and had to enforce to her that I do NOT give second chances.  That she is free to leave at any point but to never, ever look back.  So, when the time comes and her head is spinning, that little bit of common sense of information will stick with her.  They are known for making irrational decisions, to 'live for today'.  They don't have (at least mine) have long term goals, especially financially.

Her saying 'she needs space' is her feeling engulfed and what she doesn't realize is that you could give her months of time by herself but she would still feel that way because it's all in her head.  She also has the ability to feel abandoned and not tell you, however it comes out in other ways.  They also have the ability to find rebounds quite fast.  So it basically leaves the SO walking on eggshells.  You have seen them at their best and love them for it but the price you pay when dealing with their irrational behavior really takes it toll.

Good chance she has hardly ever apologized to you in the past for the things she's done or if she has she repeated that behavior in some form afterwards.  You have to understand that you are dealing with a person that emotionally they are stuck as a teenager.  That won't change.  Ever.  Well perhaps if she had intense therapy for many years, however the core of it will still be there.  They are never really 'cured' I guess you can say.

She's also beat you down quite a bit verbally and probably made you feel that she was the only woman out there that could ever love you.  You have to regain that self confidence again that she took from you.  The world does not revolve around her, all her abuse was just propaganda for her own selfishness.  Honestly if I were you and she were to contact me again the only thing I would say to her is 'I will talk to you again in more depth after I know you have started to get help for yourself', and then walk away.  Until she hits rock bottom she will never believe that she is at fault, all the blame is on you.

[Meadowslark]

Her saying 'she needs space' is her feeling engulfed and what she doesn't realize is that you could give her months of time by herself but she would still feel that way because it's all in her head.  She also has the ability to feel abandoned and not tell you, however it comes out in other ways.  They also have the ability to find rebounds quite fast.  So it basically leaves the SO walking on eggshells.  You have seen them at their best and love them for it but the price you pay when dealing with their irrational behavior really takes it toll.

This! Forever this!

PX, it's easy to make yourself go crazy over this. BPD is a crazy illness full of contradictions and illogical behavior/thinking. There is no rationale most of the time. Many of us have co-dependent traits that BPD feed on and seek out because we're such willing victims, in a way.

I trailed behind my sister, trying to put out the fires she would create, because that was all I knew. I was neglected growing up and my only "purpose" was to be a second caretaker to a severely dysfunctional sibling (NPD father played no parenting role). As we grew older, I drove myself crazy trying to come up with a way to help her, to save her, to get her to realize that she needs to grow up and take responsibility for her actions. My worth was judged by how well I could problem-solve and BPDsis was not a problem I could solve. Ever.

The day I realized that was the day I could begin to move on.

BPD are like vampires - they take, take, take everything you have to give, and then become angry with you when you have nothing left for them. BPD is all about selfishness. They all have positive traits about them, sure, but the BPD overshadows so much of it. Like Silveron said, they are emotionally-stunted people. They will not change unless they want to. You cannot force them to do anything they don't want to do. They are children trapped in adult bodies. Chaos runs through their veins like blood runs through ours. A little too poetic but you get the idea.

I am in full agreement with Silveron - until they hit rock bottom and accept responsibility for themselves, they are too toxic to have a relationship with. They will project their negativity onto you, they will blame you, they will wreck your life like a freight train without very clear and unbreakable boundaries on your part (and even then, the rage at being unable to run right through you in intense to say the least!).

I put up strong boundaries and would no longer allow my sister to take everything from me, blame me for her actions, assault me, smear my name and steal or destroy my things. The moment I did that was the moment she had a meltdown and ran away to live on the opposite coast of the US. She's found another victim to bleed dry. It's just a repeating cycle of crazy and the best thing we can do for ourselves is to remove ourselves from the cycle.