Waiting for her text

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

It's been three weeks since we ended things, two weeks since I moved out.

I go through the emotions... .I feel empowered for leaving, angry for her hurting me, stupid for being so used, sad because she's like this, empty... .

I know I should just go through with the NC. I know she hurt me so badly I should keep her number blocked but I'm just waiting... .Stupidly waiting for that text of a promise that she wants "us"again, that she wants to try one more time. I know she's BPD, I know I can't fix her, but I want to try. I keep thinking "doesn't she deserve to be loved?"

I was so good to her and she told me to leave, then started telling everyone (and me!) that I left her! I'm so confused right now... But all I want to do is make it right again. I miss her and hate her at the same time.

[OopsIDidItAgain]

It's been three weeks since we ended things, two weeks since I moved out.

I go through the emotions... .I feel empowered for leaving, angry for her hurting me, stupid for being so used, sad because she's like this, empty... .

I know I should just go through with the NC. I know she hurt me so badly I should keep her number blocked but I'm just waiting... .Stupidly waiting for that text of a promise that she wants "us"again, that she wants to try one more time. I know she's BPD, I know I can't fix her, but I want to try. I keep thinking "doesn't she deserve to be loved?"

I was so good to her and she told me to leave, then started telling everyone (and me!) that I left her! I'm so confused right now... But all I want to do is make it right again. I miss her and hate her at the same time.

[valet]

Hey PX1983, I'm sorry for what you're going through.

I had the same anxieties at first too, and it wouldn't exactly call them pleasant, not by any means.

I take it that the split was not mutual, correct? If so, how do you think that you can best adjust to your new life?

[joeramabeme]

PX1983, sorry to hear about your pain and confusion.  Most of us arrive here with both.

What happened?  You left her but did not feel like you wanted to in your heart but knew in your mind it was the right thing to do?  Now you feel awful because she is blaming you?

[OopsIDidItAgain]

I should have probably given more of a back story huh? I will start by saying, sorry about the typos I am doing this from my phone.

The breakup came out of nowhere. An hour before she told me "we weren't working and I needed to leave" she was telling me she could not wait until we were married and we had children... .

I had pointed out to her that night she had done something selfish, for this she walked out to go be with friends. I have been under a lot of pressure at work so I had an anxiety attack when she was out. I had texted her to tell her this and her response was "suck it up, I'm busy" after 45 minutes she finally came home and sat across from me to tell me we weren't working.

She then wanted to "cuddle" right after that. Cuddling led to sex about 4 times until she said "ew no, we can't do this were done" and then pulled me in for more. The next day she reminded me we were over and asked when I would be out.  I gave her the weekend with no contact and then came back on a Sunday. She acted so angry I was there, like... .Why? It was my house too.

She left to go stay at her mothers, and came back the next day to get some things she forgot. She grabbed... .Her deodorant. That's it... then sat with me on the couch and asked if I wanted to cuddle, but reminded me we were done. I walked out, I couldn't handle it.

We had NC for a week. And then I texted her to tell her I was moved out.

I'm finding out so much about her now. A mutual friend has told me she's been sending her half naked pictures and trying to get this friend to come over and hang out. This friend has refused her so many times she's stopped talking to her. Mind you this friend is concerned for her mental health and is showing me all of these texts. This friend is also, 10 years older than her, a mother of 5 and my ex has reffered to her as "the fat ugly throw away friend who has a total crush on me" she always tried to use this friend to make jealous, but I was never jealous... Just annoyed she was leading this poor woman on when they texted.

I've blocked her texts and then unblocked her texts and she's reached out random friends of mine. Friends that weren't her friends but my friends she knows I talk to daily. I believe she's both bipolar and BPD. I honestly think our breakup was her being manic. But her horrible treatment of me is what drove me to finally just leave. I don't think she ever thought I would move out even though she asked. She actually was shocked when I told her I got an apartment.

Even though all my friends have seen the manic episodes and witnessed her poor treatment of me... .I just want her back. I want the girl she was first year of our relationship. Not the manic monster she's been for the past three months.

[OopsIDidItAgain]

I also want to point out three days before we ended things we were having dinner and she said to me... .

"I know sometimes I'm not me... But right now, I'm me and I love you so much, and I love us... I'm so happy with us and so in love with you. No matter how much I push you away, no matter what I say or do always remember this and remember how in love with you I am and you're the one I want to be with. I need you to promise you'll never abandon me"

It was like a scene from a movie... Part of me thinks she wants this elaborate love story were we over come all odds and be together again.

I know this needs to be over... I know I need to let it all go. I guess I need some help. I can't go to my therapist every day, but every time we have a session I just feel so OK with my choice of NC

[rotiroti]

My ex had those moments of clarity and said something really similar to once. It hurts to think about still to this day. Remember not to separate the good and bad but to recognize the person as a whole.

Also maybe you should check out the lessons on the leaving or staying board as well.

[OopsIDidItAgain]

I know I have to have no contact, I know she's not good for me.

Honestly, she hurt me beyond words can describe. I know I'm not going to get a text from her. I guess I just need the support that it'll get better and I'll be ok.

[joeramabeme]

I also want to point out three days before we ended things we were having dinner and she said to me... .

"I know sometimes I'm not me... But right now, I'm me and I love you so much, and I love us... I'm so happy with us and so in love with you. No matter how much I push you away, no matter what I say or do always remember this and remember how in love with you I am and you're the one I want to be with. I need you to promise you'll never abandon me"

It was like a scene from a movie... Part of me thinks she wants this elaborate love story were we over come all odds and be together again.

I know this needs to be over... I know I need to let it all go. I guess I need some help. I can't go to my therapist every day, but every time we have a session I just feel so OK with my choice of NC

PX that is quite a story.  You must be emotionally exhausted from all of that.  Keep in mind that relationships with pwBPD can be very addictive, we know it is not good for us but keep going back.  Do you know why you have a desire to get a text from her? 

[OopsIDidItAgain]

That's a question I get asked a lot. Why do I even want someone back who is indeed that exhausting, hurtful and toxic to herself and me... .

I guess is validation that the last two years weren't a lie or a game. The breakup came out of nowhere... One minute she wants to get married and then next she wants to end things. It's just all strange to me.  We had our ups and downs like any couple but this came out of nowhere.

I supported her financially, treated her like a princess and gave her anything she wanted. The money didn't run out, the gifts never stopped... But it was like... .My feelings were totally discarded. I feel so incredibly used.

I just want to know I was actually loved.

[fromheeltoheal]

I just want to know I was actually loved.

You were loved totally and completely, a perfect fantasy.  Until you weren't.  And that had nothing to do with you and everything to do with the disorder, there's nothing you could have done differently, and it would have happened with anyone. 

Have you read the lessons on this site?  Look over there --------->

They will clear up some things right away and help start your detachment.  Take care of you!

[Loosestrife]

I also want to point out three days before we ended things we were having dinner and she said to me... .

"I know sometimes I'm not me... But right now, I'm me and I love you so much, and I love us... I'm so happy with us and so in love with you. No matter how much I push you away, no matter what I say or do always remember this and remember how in love with you I am and you're the one I want to be with. I need you to promise you'll never abandon me"

It was like a scene from a movie... Part of me thinks she wants this elaborate love story were we over come all odds and be together again.

I know this needs to be over... I know I need to let it all go. I guess I need some help. I can't go to my therapist every day, but every time we have a session I just feel so OK with my choice of NC

I can also relate to this. It's weird that do many of us can - it's like we have all fallen in love with pre-programmed androids!

[OopsIDidItAgain]

The lessons site has been helpful. I think everything on there is totally going to help

With the healing process.

Believe it or not, this site has been more helpful than just talking to friends about it. I like that I'm able to get better answers than "she was a b___ and you're better off" "we hated her anyway" "forget her and let it go"

I just find it even harder to let go of someone with a disorder but I know it's for my own good. I know this is the path I need to stay on.

And yes! It's absolutely interesting how everyone on here has such a similar story. Makes me feel less alone.

[Silveron]

PX,

  You and me sound a lot alike.  Thing is though in my situation I married her.  Been 11 years next month.  Trust me, things do not get better, they get worse.  The black/white and bad behavior only intensifies.  They have the emotional maturity of an teenager.  In my case she hid her disorder well until after we got married.  I mean there were signs and small episodes but nothing like what I have to endure now.  I also have a 7 year old daughter with her.

  When you have that desire for her to contact you, think what it would be like 5 years from now, married to her.  All the things she does now, increase that by ten-fold because that is what happens after marriage.

  Like you, I would love to *fix* my wife and just bring out the good in her.  My wife (and your ex) do have good hearts, they aren't evil monsters.  However, they have a disorder that cannot be fixed and the effects of this disorders is that we are going to be hurt verbally, emotionally and physically.  Honestly at this point if another woman were to come into my life and treat me *normal* I wouldn't know how to react.  I would have to adjust to not walking on eggshells, to live a life of normalcy, to not have to worry about when the next rage will come.

  I stay because of my daughter, I cannot throw her into the wolf's den.

  This ex of yours is not someone you want children with.  Yes, I know it's awful, you are in love with someone who can't give you the basics of what is needed in a relationship but you also see the good things about them.  It's an emotional torture.

  IMO what you can do is make sure you don't romanicize the past too much, and to keep yourself busy so you don't find yourself dwelling over her.  Look up the seven signs of grief, it will give you an idea of what to expect to go through.

[OopsIDidItAgain]

She's been asking me to propose to her since January. I'm so glad I didn't. We used to talk about adopting children as well all the time. I was going to buy her a ring in May and propose in June or July. But when my eyes were open and I saw how bad her episodes were... .I couldn't bring myself to do it. That and the fact she told me on several occasions, to be sure I bought her a single stone solitaire that was over a 1.75 diamond. Her words "My p*^^y isn't worth less than 2 but I'll settle for 1.75. It's not too flashy but it just tells people were better than them"

I make a very comfortable life for myself but not anywhere near dropping that kind of money right now especially when I was going to buy us a house, pay for her school and support us when she was going to school (working on her third degree mind you since she doesn't use her others)

I go through the steps every single day, multiple times. Every day gets a little better and I can honestly say at this exact moment. I don't want her text. Reading everyone's stories and messages.

I don't want that to be my life, I want a partner that works with me, not one that devalues me and just takes advantage of my generosity that was supposed to benefit us in the long run.

It was like she was so uncomfortable with my money and yet, she had no trouble spending it. I recently got a big promotion at work and I think that's what triggered the abandonment, thinking I would leave her. But that's not the case... I always presented it as something to better us and our lives together.

I hope the posts don't make me sound arrogant. I just am so confused because why if things were getting so good, and I was being so so good to her.  Why the sudden tension.

It all sounds like we have similar stories so I'm sure this is another persons story.

Sad thing is... She knew I was in a very violent and abusive relationship many years before her. I was finally getting therapy for it. I'm wondering if she saw me getting better and doing better things for myself it triggered her.

PX,

  You and me sound a lot alike.  Thing is though in my situation I married her.  Been 11 years next month.  *

Did you go through several breakups or has it been 11

Consistent years?

[Loosestrife]

PX,

  You and me sound a lot alike.  Thing is though in my situation I married her.  Been 11 years next month.  Trust me, things do not get better, they get worse.  The black/white and bad behavior only intensifies.  They have the emotional maturity of an teenager.  In my case she hid her disorder well until after we got married.  I mean there were signs and small episodes but nothing like what I have to endure now.  I also have a 7 year old daughter with her.

  When you have that desire for her to contact you, think what it would be like 5 years from now, married to her.  All the things she does now, increase that by ten-fold because that is what happens after marriage.

  Like you, I would love to *fix* my wife and just bring out the good in her.  My wife (and your ex) do have good hearts, they aren't evil monsters.  However, they have a disorder that cannot be fixed and the effects of this disorders is that we are going to be hurt verbally, emotionally and physically.  Honestly at this point if another woman were to come into my life and treat me *normal* I wouldn't know how to react.  I would have to adjust to not walking on eggshells, to live a life of normalcy, to not have to worry about when the next rage will come.

  I stay because of my daughter, I cannot throw her into the wolf's den.

  This ex of yours is not someone you want children with.  Yes, I know it's awful, you are in love with someone who can't give you the basics of what is needed in a relationship but you also see the good things about them.  It's an emotional torture.

  IMO what you can do is make sure you don't romanicize the past too much, and to keep yourself busy so you don't find yourself dwelling over her.  Look up the seven signs of grief, it will give you an idea of what to expect to go through.

Thanks for sharing this

[Eightwonders]

Your story is really helping me clarify mine. I have so many aspects that are the exact same! My ex tells me he wants things to work out, and that he wants me to leave the house and move out, all within an hour. It's so hard on the heart to go through a relationship like this, and I fear he has changed me for the worse. I fear the issues I will have in my next relationship because of him.

[OopsIDidItAgain]

i used to ask my ex all the time "do you want us to be over?" Or "should we just end this?" She would always turn it on me saying I was "threatening to break up with her"

Honestly, I think I should have controlled my temper better and maybe not have posed those questions to someone with abandonment issues. I feel awful about that, if anything this whole thing is teaching me I need to be more understanding and I needed to get my own anxiety in check.

As terrible as these past few months have been, I've certainly learned a lot about myself.

[scgator]

i used to ask my ex all the time "do you want us to be over?" Or "should we just end this?" She would always turn it on me saying I was "threatening to break up with her"

Honestly, I think I should have controlled my temper better and maybe not have posed those questions to someone with abandonment issues. I feel awful about that, if anything this whole thing is teaching me I need to be more understanding and I needed to get my own anxiety in check.

As terrible as these past few months have been, I've certainly learned a lot about myself.

Bingo - that's one of the things I cling to. About the only positive thing to come out of this relationship.

My ex also told me, even after I got my own place after being kicked out twice for false accusations, to please know deep inside that she truly loves me and to never leave her. I nearly teared up when I read your similar statement. It's what makes it hurt all the more. That inkling that they know and that they do not want things to work this way but can't stop themselves. I feel horrible thinking about it. I end up asking myself how I could walk out on her after all the things I said. It's like inside I've deleted or conveniently forgotten (or compartmentalized) all the negative things. I have a list of the things she's done and said, I read it over too, but there are days, like today, when the urge to communicate is so strong and the ability to forget ALL the horrible things is in full effect.

I'm so thankful to have found this site to at least put some of these feelings out there. If not, I'm afraid I'd be contacting her on a day like today.