From BPD Mom to BPD Husband

[Peonies]

Hi BPD family,

This is my first post in this amazing community, although I cannot say I am new to this forum. Three years ago, I found this site when I was trying to make sense of the crazy relationship I was in. At that time, I had discovered my then-husband had lied to me about his identity. Everything, from professional qualifications to personal life was a creation of his had. This painful experience was the beginning of a new journey for me. A journey to discover new things about myself, to understand how my upbringing with my uBPD mother affected me. I am still in this process and, although I've made some remarkable progress, there's still work to be done. I became very closed after all this and I have a huge difficulty trusting people. Posting here is a step towards opening up myself again. I've learned so much in these boards and I sincerely hope to help others by sharing my experience.

I met my ex-husband while I was studying abroad. He was very charming; he had this ability to say everything I wanted to hear, he was loving and caring. I thought I had finally found the right one. Like many of you, I completely dismissed the  and the relationship got serious very fast. He had told me about his past of pain and sadness and that I was the only person able to help him heal. He said he got beaten up by other kids at school. He said he had a daughter from a previous marriage, who died in an accident, while under his responsibility. He described it to me in details, showed me pictures of the little girl while sobbing in my arms. I felt so so sorry for him. I wanted to help him more than anything else. The fact that he relied on me to do so made me fell special and was a key part of our relationship. Because of his past, I excused his rages. I thought it was justified, after all he had been through. We ended up getting married and things started to change. The rages got more frequent and I started to ask myself where was the man I had fallen in love with. After a few months, I discovered the lies. I was so confused not knowing anymore what was true and what was not that I thought I was going crazy. Finally, I discovered that everything about him was an invention. He had not worked in the places he said he had. He had never been married and never had a daughter. The girl in the pictures he showed me was, in fact, his niece. After this, I left home and never came back. I still maintained contact with him for several months trying to figure out what had happened, who he really was and what to do. I was torn between distrust and guilt. Yes, I felt guilty for leaving my husband after discovering he was mentally disturbed. But I could not trust him and I feared him, after he told me he took pleasure in hurting women. I had a depression and got better with therapy.

A year had passed and I was feeling much better when one day my mom had a raging episode in front of me and it was exactly like seeing my ex-husband. I finally connected the dots: maybe she also suffered from a similar condition. When I was growing up I always knew something was off with my mother, but I couldn't tell what. Every time we didn't do what she wanted us to do, she would rage. She had been to doctors most of her life, but no one ever told me what her problem was. They just said she had a depression.

Working with my therapist, I finally understood that I didn't have a normal childhood and that my mom's behavior had a profound effect on me. One of the main points is that I have an enormous difficulty making decisions because I never learned how to trust my own judgements. As a child, the only way for me to be safe was to strictly follow what my mom expected from me. I also have a hard time establishing and maintaining boundaries as my mom didn't allow me to have a separate live from her. I didn't know the meaning of boundary until very recently.

I hope to share more of my recovery path with you all and wish that my experience help others to heal 

[Kwamina]

Hi Peonies

Thanks for joining our community and sharing your story with us

I am very sorry that you've been through such a rough time with your husband. Being lied to like that is hard to comprehend and I can definitely see how this could cause you some serious trust issues. I hope that getting your story out here like this will indeed help you break free from your isolation.

But I could not trust him and I feared him, after he told me he took pleasure in hurting women.

This is very disturbing that he enjoys hurting women  At what point did he tell you this?

I am very glad you were able to take the necessary steps to protect yourself and that the therapy has helped you so much.

A year had passed and I was feeling much better when one day my mom had a raging episode in front of me and it was exactly like seeing my ex-husband. I finally connected the dots: maybe she also suffered from a similar condition. When I was growing up I always knew something was off with my mother, but I couldn't tell what. Every time we didn't do what she wanted us to do, she would rage.

Would you say that your mother used (and continues to use) her rages to instill fear in you so you would do what she wanted? We have an article here about fear, obligation and guilt that you might find interesting:

... .fear, obligation or guilt ("FOG" are the transactional dynamics at play between the controller and the person being controlled.  Understanding these dynamics are useful to anyone trying to extricate themselves from the controlling behavior by another person and deal with their own compulsions to do things that are uncomfortable, undesirable, burdensome, or self-sacrificing for others.

You can read the entire article here: Fear, Obligation And Guilt: How We Allow Loved Ones To Control Us

I also have a hard time establishing and maintaining boundaries as my mom didn't allow me to have a separate live from her. I didn't know the meaning of boundary until very recently.

To individuate and protect your own well-being, setting and enforcing boundaries is very important, particularly when dealing with disordered individuals. How do you view what a boundary is? And how does the thought of setting and enforcing boundaries with your mother make you feel?

We have some resources here about boundaries that I think you might also find helpful. Here's a short excerpt:

When we speak of “boundaries” we are really speaking about our personal values.  This point is often overlooked.  Personal boundaries are simply one way we define our values to others.

... .

Boundaries are how we define our values to others.   A boundary is nothing more than the outer perimeters of our independent core values -  it's like a fence  - anything inside the boundary is consistent with our core values and anything outside the boundary is not.  For example, if your independent core value is "always to be respectful of others" a boundary question might be "would abruptly walking out of the room when someone says something offensive be inside or outside of your definition of this value?"  It's not always obvious as we all see things differently.  As you can quickly see, with values, we have a significant responsibility to lead, educate and inform others - we must walk the walk, have effective communication and be consistent.

Here are some links to articles/workshops about boundaries:

Getting Our Values and Boundaries in Order

Examples of boundaries

I hope you'll find these resources helpful.

Welcome to bpdfamily and I encourage you to keep posting here

[Peonies]

Thank you for the warm welcome Kwamina!

This is very disturbing that he enjoys hurting women  At what point did he tell you this?

Indeed, this is very disturbing. He told me this after I discovered the lies and left home. I maintained contact for sometime trying to make sense of the whole situation and what to do next. He kind of "confessed" lots of past mistakes in an attempt to show his "honesty" and convince me to come back. He confessed he was mentally disturbed. Despite all the confusion, I could see that this was yet another manipulation on his part and didn't come back. My gut was telling me it was not safe. He was aware of his sickness and of what he was doing.

Would you say that your mother used (and continues to use) her rages to instill fear in you so you would do what she wanted?

Absolutely, and when fear does not work, she resorts to guilt. In this point, she and my ex-husband are very similar. He tried hard to guilt me for leaving him. I did feel very guilty for some time, but then the FOG lifted and I could see clearly what it was.

To individuate and protect your own well-being, setting and enforcing boundaries is very important, particularly when dealing with disordered individuals. How do you view what a boundary is? And how does the thought of setting and enforcing boundaries with your mother make you feel?

For me a boundary is a limit that I establish based on my own values to protect myself. I understand the concept, although it does not come naturally for me. In my relationship with my mom, setting and enforcing boundaries usually makes me feel guilty. I usually feel I should be doing more, I should be there for her when she needs me. But I forget to take my own needs into account when thinking like that. I am aware and trying to change this pattern. My mom and I don't live in the same country, but she calls me almost daily. Usually she has nothing to say and just expect me to help her cope with being alone or not feeling well. My automatic reaction used to be to pick up the call and speak with her, even if it was late and I was tired or not in a mood for talking. Now I make the effort to consider whether I 'm really available to speak with her or just doing it out of guilty and obligation. Setting boundaries when I am physically near her is more difficult as the fear is still there, even though I am not a child anymore.

I know I am on the right path because guilty used to be present in my life on a daily basis and now it is becoming less and less frequent. But I still have a long way to go to integrate boundaries in my life without so much effort and thinking. I need to practice!

Thank you so much for the links. I'll look at these resources carefully and definitely keep posting.