Parallels

[SurfNTurf]

Oy vey! I have, in the past ten days or so, discovered some parallels. If this is the wrong forum thread, Moderator my feel free to repost! Or have me repost. Just tell me where.

While growing up, my alcoholic BPD father was lazy, didn't work more than necessary to pay the bills unless he could get $ from his parents, in which case he would work less. There was never extra $ for camp, orthodontia, etc. He did not financially prepare for his future. He had myriad ways to avoid helping out family, without coming out and saying 'no.' He always had his hand out, however, to take whatever anyone would offer.

When I became an adult, I frantically worked my full time hours, took on overtime work when offered, and for 20 years sometimes worked two jobs. I have a graduate degree in a health care field and make a comfortable income. I was always trying to pay for the now, prepare for the future, and help out family. BUT. I was always aware in the back of my mind, that I was working hard "at" my father, to demonstrate I WAS NOT HIM and would be a better person.

Fast forward. I am now married to some  kind of personality disordered person, likely uBPDhusb, who has a lot of passive/aggressive tendencies, and about 80% of the behaviors consistent with BPD. He has grudgingly taken a new job, but refuses to help around the house b/c "I can't work and also do things to help you around the house - if you want help around the house, I will need to quit my job." I work 50 hours per week, commute 10 hours per week, have hired a housekeeper for help, but then I come home and scoop poop, walk dog, make dinner, do dishes, change bed linens, do laundry, blow the leaves off the patio and stoop, get my oil changed, and lately I've taken the lead on a home remodel project that my unBPDhusb abandoned b/c "it wasn't a priority for him" to complete. Now that I have taken the lead, he does even less than before. So that means I am working with carpet and tile people too. I spend weekends cooking so I don't have to be pressed for time after work. I do all the marketing, bill paying, appointment setting. I have a chronic illness, and in April I had my first mild heart attack.

The parallel is: Minus the alcohol, I have married my father.

Not sure what to do with this realization, but your thoughts are always welcome.

[SurfNTurf]

Oh, and to clarify: when my unBPDhusb was unemployed, he didn't help around the house either. I would come home to a sinkful of dirty dishes, the cat food bowl would be empty, etc. When he was unemployed he would say "make me a list and I will do it." So I would make a list, and he would  not.

[Blimblam]

hi,

I am not sure whether to say sorry or congratulations. It seems like your having some realizations and working towards figuring them out which is no easy task but worth it.  I am not sure if you have checked out the tools on the staying board but theres a lot of good stuff there for interacting with you husband.

since you posted here Ill give some words more towards your situation.  I realized I had started a relationship with my BPD mother! So I can relate .  

What I sort of realized is deep down I had internalized my moms desires to identify myself with that which would rectify the pain and misery she experienced in life. That my Dad had failed to do that for her and it screwed me up. This led me to see the lack of my mother, my own inner vulnerable child within my exgf and allowed me to try to get it right this time in the relationship with my ex.

where things sort of went wrong is all the hard work I was doing to meet the demands of satisfying my parents internalized demands caused my ex to feel me pulling away and cause her to dysregulate when we tried to have conversations about our rs.  My demands on her, which were not much, compared to how hard I was working and doing the providing caused me to interact with my ex through my own expectations of her she felt she was failing to meet.  This caused her to seek other potential attachments to mirror back to her a positive image.  She resented her self and me for putting her in a position where she felt she needed to seek back up attachments and hoped for me to make a big effort to appolgize and win her back and recognize some small things she did to see if I appreciated her. I wanted her to meet me at a point I felt was fair, and this was incompatible.  I realize I would always of had to meet her where she was at for her to attach to me no matter of my ideas of fairness etc.

[Suzn]

I was always aware in the back of my mind, that I was working hard "at" my father, to demonstrate I WAS NOT HIM and would be a better person.

Would "healthy" be considered better too?

and lately I've taken over on a home remodel project that my unBPDhusb abandoned b/c "it wasn't a priority for him" to complete. Now that I have taken over, he does even less than before. So that means I am working with carpet and tile people too. I spend weekends cooking so I don't have to be pressed for time after work. I do all the marketing, bill paying, appointment setting.

Would you consider these actions enabling?

I have a chronic illness, and in April I had my first mild heart attack.

Self care is important. How are you taking care of you?

The parallel is: Minus the alcohol, I have married my father.

We are generally drawn to what we know or feel comfortable with.

[Turkish]

SNT,

What happens if you let some of these slide?

T

[SurfNTurf]

@Turkish and Suzn: I have let many things slide, including the exterior projects that have gone uncompleted x3 years. I have let slide cleaning out the garage - when the pack rats invaded, unBPDhusb finally did something about it - he set rat traps. I have let slide some of the gardening.

I did not let slide the living room tile project, and did take it over - as enabling as that may be - b/c it posed a tripping hazard and I could well imagine someone getting injured which I am NOT okay with. I let slide the dishes stacking in the sink until cockroaches began appearing, then I cleaned up the kitchen, had pest control treat the house. I live in a nasty climate that if you let some things slide you will have nastier problems.

Is it enabling, if I would have to do these things anyway if I lived alone?

I am curious - though not expectant - to see outcome of today's 'agreement' with the unBPDhusb. He wants badly to purchase a new piece of furniture. I told him if he would paint the living room wall today and get the floor prepped for the carpet guys, I would agree to the purchase. But those tasks must be completed today - the new carpet coming in next week - for my agreement to remain valid.

Again, if you don't have expectations, you won't be disappointed.

I'm just disappointed in myself for not seeing the discoveries in myself before now.

[Blimblam]

surf n turf,

I could relate to how I began to give my ex conditional scenerios in order for me to empathize with her.  The thing is by that point I was no longer empathizing with her because I felt betrayed and unseen myself.  At which point both my ex and myself were doing and seting up conditional scenerios for us to even be able to feel safe to empathize with each other. WE both wanted to connect but we just got further and further into setting up like trials and tests the other person had to pass through to even be able to empathize and if the other person didn't jump through the other persons hoops felt betrayed.

does any of what I describe sound familiar?