What I've learned from the experiences with my BPDSIL

[hazel29]

I come here every so often to read the posts since I am struggling with a BPDSIL (my BF's sister). When I read some of the messages here about women alienating men from their family for "no reason" I sometimes see everyone willing to jump on the bandwagon. Yet scapegoating is very common by narcissists and those with BPD.

For instance, were you to ask my SIL why her brother has refused to talk with her, she would blame it all on me since I am not willing to brush her abusive behaviour under the rug, and he has stood up for me. What she does is gives him one experience of her, and then me, a much scarier and more threatening one in private. She can also completely rewrite history, as is common with those with BPD. She still describes the night she screamed at me for an hour and then beat up her mom as "an argument", suggesting I actually got a word in.

There's a great deal of denial about how she treated me, but also how that makes him feel and how many times we attempted to resolve things before deciding her behaviour was escalating to a dangerous and irrational point. When you hear her or the more enabling members of her family describe it, things would be perfect if I could just get in line.


Yet to his mother and anyone else who's found out about the situation, I am being scapegoated. Any guy who would subject his partner to this on the basis that "it's family" is abusing her by proxy. He is allowed to stand up for himself when someone is interfering too much in his life.

I want to encourage those who have a DIL or spouse of your brother etc, to not be so quick to assume your son doesn't have the ability to think for himself, and I think what concerns me is that there seems to be a lack of follow-up questions on this board around why someone may have put the boundaries there in the first place. Is it possible BPDs are able to come here and demonize their ILs while overlooking their large contribution to the issue?

I guess I would say that I could picture my SIL on here talking about how I've poisoned her brother. And perhaps she would be provided with sympathy and justification that she is a victim, and my boyfriend, a spineless  jellyfish, and I, someone with a raging case of BPD.

But be aware that narcissistic families and those with BPD are notorious for rewriting history and scapegoating an outsider for recognizing and not being willing to put up with abusive behaviour that others in the family turn a blind eye to, whether out of fear, obligation or guilt.

Your son's spouse does not deserved to be yelled at, dragged into issues, put down, brought into loyalty fights or threatened in anyway. It does not make her a BPD if she puts a boundary up and your husband finally supports her because he thinks you're being a bully.

Just wanted to offer that caution.

[Kwamina]

Hi again hazel29

Well although you seldom post here, I still remember your last thread very well! Being constantly blamed for everything and feeling like you're being scapegoated isn't pleasant at all. I am sorry you've had these struggles as a result of your SIL's behavior. When it comes to dealing with people with BPD, boundaries are indeed very important to protect and preserve one's own well-being.

There are always two sides to a story. That is true for everyone posting here. Sometimes the non-BPD person ends up putting up boundaries or going NC to protect themselves and as a result are made out to be the 'bad guy'. That's one scenario, but there are also other scenarios. People with BPD are often very sensitive and perceive things differently from non-disordered people. This might cause them to feel easily slighted or to behave irrationally, sometimes by 'punishing' people by out of nowhere going NC or setting certain boundaries. So not only are there always more sides to a story, there are also various types of stories.

In your last thread you said that your SIL was apparently having some sort of breakdown and was seeing a psychologist. How is the situation with your SIL now? Are there any new developments here?