I don’t understand my reactions to breakup

[joeramabeme]

Hey All, I have been on these boards for ~2 months now and in the process of ending a 10 year marriage to a pwBPD traits and feeling a lot of pain and confusion.  These feelings are at a peak at this moment.  She is moving out tomorrow and I am still in shock and denial about it all.  I can’t believe she is REALLY moving out.  Part of my denial is based on her splitting the marriage; the abrupt sharp 180 degree change in direction.  The other part is my pain and confusion based on how I feel about myself and my own insecurity, esteem and FOO pain.

Over the last 2-3 years of my marriage I had learned how to practice taking better care of myself, emotionally.  As I did this I felt a sense of personal empowerment and personal freedom that I had never known previously.  The personal improvements were directly related to FOO issues and those that were directly evident in my marriage.  As I was able to extract myself from feelings of shame, a stronger Joe that I sensed could exist started to emerge.  I had enough self-esteem to stand up and tell my pwBPD traits that I was not going to accept some of the outrageous behaviors and accusations (mostly verbal abuse such as belittling and gaslighting) any longer and I got to a point where I felt strong enough to leave and be on my own with my newfound inner strength.  Looking back on this, I did not mean my change to be threatening to her, rather it was an opportunity to us to get off the merry go round and start having the happy life that we both wanted.  Seeing how she has responded since that point makes me realize that she was threatened by my change and she references this point as the time I abandoned her.

The divorcing stage set in about 10 months ago when we had an argument and she cut off all communications with me for about 3 months.  As she emerged from this phase she started saying that we should separate.  At that time, I felt ok with what she was saying and was able to paint a picture of a happy tomorrow for myself.  My feelings of OK’ness felt like confirmation that my newfound changes were genuine and durable. 

However, sometime starting in March, as the divorce process started to get more real, I began to sense slippage into my old insecure self with all the associated low self-esteem, feeling unlovable, betrayed and wondering what I did wrong.  As I sensed these feelings arising within I tried to practice techniques to keep them at bay, despite those efforts the negative feelings have continued to grow.  As of this writing, I am having a really hard time, particularly with feeling like a dented-can product; damaged, unwanted and on sale.

The disparity between my intellect and emotions leave me feeling deeply self-conflicted and ever more insecure.  I can recite all the things that happened that lead to our marital demise and even make a strong case that I will be better off; a case that many friends have made to me.  I have gained a far better understanding of BPD and how it has impacted this outcome.  Yet, knowing all this does now change that some part of me does not want the marriage to end. 

My own feelings about what is going on with me do not make sense to me and yet they continue.  Am I simply fearful of being alone, am I still working towards self-health.  I wonder if I do not accept BPD as part of the answer.  I still have an expectation of her that she can and will respond in healthy ways and feel angry that she is intentionally shunning me with such disregard for our 10 years as married and 13 years as a couple.

I see many posts where people ask why it is so hard to break away from people with BPD traits, for me, part of that answer is that I cannot navigate across the chasm of our shared life experiences to her complete disconnect and disregard for the last 13 years of our life together.  Ya, it was hard in many ways, but also rewarding.

I am having a final dinner with her tonight and wanted to get all this across to her so that I could feel the connectivity again that I had felt for so long.  I know this not healthy for me to think that this will happen but I arranged the dinner all the same so I could try and get reconnected.

I am really feeling lost and depressed about not only the divorce but myself as well. 

[jhkbuzz]

I feel your pain - I've felt many of the things you've described in this post.

The disparity between my intellect and emotions leave me feeling deeply self-conflicted and ever more insecure.  I can recite all the things that happened that lead to our marital demise and even make a strong case that I will be better off; a case that many friends have made to me.  I have gained a far better understanding of BPD and how it has impacted this outcome.  Yet, knowing all this does now change that some part of me does not want the marriage to end.

I struggled mightily with that ^. Notwithstanding that the end of any long term r/s is sad and difficult (and it is normal to feel sad and conflicted about it all), for me there's been something else at play. My T calls it a disconnect between my head and my heart. I am working on connecting them now, so I don't have any 'absolute' answers for you. This is what I know so far; that I often use my intellect as a "buffer" against emotional pain. Rather than process the emotions (a painful, messy journey), I analyze them, my life and my circumstances... .but the pain stays trapped inside and festers. I am working on releasing that pain in therapy. That means that I not only have to be willing to share the pain, but to be vulnerable and raw. That's hard.

My own feelings about what is going on with me do not make sense to me and yet they continue.  Am I simply fearful of being alone, am I still working towards self-health.  I wonder if I do not accept BPD as part of the answer.  I still have an expectation of her that she can and will respond in healthy ways and feel angry that she is intentionally shunning me with such disregard for our 10 years as married and 13 years as a couple.

Me too... .and it makes me feel CRAZY.  If I know that she has mental health issues (and I do), why does a corner of my mind believe that she could CHOOSE to respond in emotionally healthier ways? I don't have an answer for you, but I'm sharing that I feel the same (and am struggling with it). You're not alone in this.

I see many posts where people ask why it is so hard to break away from people with BPD traits, for me, part of that answer is that I cannot navigate across the chasm of our shared life experiences to her complete disconnect and disregard for the last 13 years of our life together.

That "disconnect and disregard" may be dissociative in nature. It was for my ex. She could completely shut down her emotions. It's a defense mechanism in response to overwhelming emotions.

[joeramabeme]

Thanks for the reply jhkbuzz

I feel your pain - I've felt many of the things you've described in this post.

The disparity between my intellect and emotions leave me feeling deeply self-conflicted and ever more insecure.  I can recite all the things that happened that lead to our marital demise and even make a strong case that I will be better off; a case that many friends have made to me.  I have gained a far better understanding of BPD and how it has impacted this outcome.  Yet, knowing all this does now change that some part of me does not want the marriage to end.

I struggled mightily with that ^. Notwithstanding that the end of any long term r/s is sad and difficult (and it is normal to feel sad and conflicted about it all), for me there's been something else at play. My T calls it a disconnect between my head and my heart. I am working on connecting them now, so I don't have any 'absolute' answers for you. This is what I know so far; that I often use my intellect as a "buffer" against emotional pain. Rather than process the emotions (a painful, messy journey), I analyze them, my life and my circumstances... .but the pain stays trapped inside and festers. I am working on releasing that pain in therapy. That means that I not only have to be willing to share the pain, but to be vulnerable and raw. That's hard.

I was talking to someone last night and said exactly what you just stated.  Specifically I said, I went from being Abused directly to Forgiving, with nothing in between.  Some of the intense emotions I feel from time to time, I suspect, are masking what could be termed a "justifiable angry/defensive response" that I have not allowed myself to feel.  Living to deep in my head allows for the intellectualiztion of my feelings and does not serve me well and nor do I actually get a free "pass" from having the feelings, they are just delayed and then detached from the source event, not healthy! 

I guess the lesson is; have your feelings so your feelings don't have you.

I recognize that I need to learn to have "healthy anger" not something I know much about and have not done well in the past.  Unfortunately, the more intense the situation is the greater the suppression.  Which I suspect leads to what feels like unidentifiable internal melt downs.

My own feelings about what is going on with me do not make sense to me and yet they continue.  Am I simply fearful of being alone, am I still working towards self-health.  I wonder if I do not accept BPD as part of the answer.  I still have an expectation of her that she can and will respond in healthy ways and feel angry that she is intentionally shunning me with such disregard for our 10 years as married and 13 years as a couple.

Me too... .and it makes me feel CRAZY.  If I know that she has mental health issues (and I do), why does a corner of my mind believe that she could CHOOSE to respond in emotionally healthier ways? I don't have an answer for you, but I'm sharing that I feel the same (and am struggling with it). You're not alone in this.

Honestly, I am in denial that she has a "Mental Health" problem.  I can't get comfortable with the term.  The term illicit's images of people in white padded cells.  She is very high functioning.  As I type this I am realizing that using this label makes me feel like I ma betraying her.

I see many posts where people ask why it is so hard to break away from people with BPD traits, for me, part of that answer is that I cannot navigate across the chasm of our shared life experiences to her complete disconnect and disregard for the last 13 years of our life together.

That "disconnect and disregard" may be dissociative in nature. It was for my ex. She could completely shut down her emotions. It's a defense mechanism in response to overwhelming emotions.

This makes total sense but still does not feel good. 

Thanks again!

[Sunfl0wer]

Hi Joe,

I can imagine that most, if not all of us, have felt a great deal of what you are feeling... .  a whole lot of pain and confusion. (This is such an understatement)

(I am a bit down... .my thoughts are not so good today... .but will do my best)

I remember it clearly... .that last week before it was all really over, I remember the walls becoming bare around me as he packed.  I remember staring at him in disbelief as he asked which cooking utensils were his.  I remember the planning, in a state of stoic shock in order to survive both logistically and emotionally.  I remember feeling "He really did leave me?"  Will we exchange some parting words?  Will he start a dramatic fight?  It was just all so sureal.  It felt unfair to process it all.  And I am still processing it... .sometimes. (He left March, I moved out of the apartment May)

I'd say for me, after he left, when I was still in the apartment, I stayed in a state of disbelief for a month or so.  A sort of denial.  I dragged my feet on finding a new place to live and such things.

What made me realize "reality" was when I had to take some serious steps to begin paving my own life without him.  These actions are what started to help my initial shock... .and helped me to begin focusing on rebuilding my life. (still working on this)

I still am processing the loss. At a pace my mind can handle.  Sometimes it comes to me in dribs and drabs and leaves me alone, other times it hits me like a storm and I wonder when it will pass.  The sad moments are getting farther apart and shorter in duration, overall.

Several months ago, I wasn't sure it would pass.  It was hard to see the light.  People here "held my hand" a bit, I read about it being a process, and now I know it passes.

[Sunfl0wer]

However, sometime starting in March, as the divorce process started to get more real, I began to sense slippage into my old insecure self with all the associated low self-esteem, feeling unlovable, betrayed and wondering what I did wrong.  As I sensed these feelings arising within I tried to practice techniques to keep them at bay, despite those efforts the negative feelings have continued to grow.  As of this writing, I am having a really hard time, particularly with feeling like a dented-can product; damaged, unwanted and on sale.

I feel that for those of us who have had FOO issues, our breakup hits us in it's own way. Often stirring up original abandonment pains. I wish I could remember the article I read that helped me understand this.  I remember processing this clearly... . I remember another member teaching me about "emotional flashbacks" and I was so relieved to hear this.  I held onto this info and was able to actually tap into the emotional flashbacks, and do a really cathartic deep gut wrenching grieving that I think was burried inside of me.  Afterwards, I felt a lot lighter.

Have you heard of emotional flashbacks?

jhkbuzz did an excellent job explaining the head and heart thing.  My T taught me this... .it was a huge help and I think had I not realized this concept I think I would have felt like I was losing my mind.

Am I simply fearful of being alone, am I still working towards self-health.  I wonder if I do not accept BPD as part of the answer.  I still have an expectation of her that she can and will respond in healthy ways and feel angry that she is intentionally shunning me with such disregard for our 10 years as married and 13 years as a couple.

I imagine most people who have a loss are fearful of being alone... .even without the BPD component.  I imagine this is part of the natural process of experiencing loss.

On not accepting BPD... .

I believe that you were experiencing a reality with your W in which, in your mind, BPD did not exist. (until you recently learned of it) So it is no wonder that you have a hard time accepting it.  I think many of us... .to an extent... .thought we could "fix" things... . This is a form of denial.  The opposite being RA.  I'm not discounting the times we all work on ourself and help improve the dynamic... .this is not what I mean.  There was another article that I cannot exactly recall.  It explained that part of what maintains us in the r/s is this altering of our reality, that as a logical person... .we try to make sense of it, so our mind forces us to shift our sense of reality a bit.

Gosh... .is it the story of the lonely child and abandon child?  That was a phenomenal eye opener for me.  Have you read that around here? Is that the one that explains how we shift our thinking to accomodate the cognitive distortions that our mind cannot make sense of?

I also have a hard time accepting "BPD" as it relates to my partner.  BPD is part of the person, we cannot remove it from them.  For me, my partner probably would never qualify for a diagnosis, as he had mild traits of N/BPD that really only were evident to those he lived with.  So I'm not so quick to throw a label on him... .and it is all on some continuum anyway.  (My sister is a different story, I label her in my head so I don't forget, she is less functioning... a way for me to cope atm)

I'm sorry if I referenced things I cannot find.  Maybe someone can help out and know it in a second off the top of their head?

~Sunflower

[joeramabeme]

Have you heard of emotional flashbacks?

No but I will take some time to research.

There was another article that I cannot exactly recall.  It explained that part of what maintains us in the r/s is this altering of our reality, that as a logical person... .we try to make sense of it, so our mind forces us to shift our sense of reality a bit.

Gosh... .is it the story of the lonely child and abandon child?  That was a phenomenal eye opener for me.  Have you read that around here? Is that the one that explains how we shift our thinking to accomodate the cognitive distortions that our mind cannot make sense of?

Thanks Sunflower.  I searched for your story reference and I believe found it here in one the workshops: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=161524.0

VERY POWERFUL WORKSHOP! If you relate to the lonely child it is a MUST READ.

It is a lengthy forum and member "2010" is extremely insightful about the dance between the Lonely Child and the BPD.  This is very much my story.

Two paragraphs stood out for me, the second one is very powerful:

In the "upside down" world of the Borderline, the lonely child is the perfect attachment to fuse to and the hypersensitive Borderline is the perfect mystery for the lonely child to try to understand.  This is the reactivation of a childhood dynamic- that forms a needy bond.]

Radical acceptance comes when you realize that what was mirrored really wasn’t you- it was what *you wanted others to give to you*   

It was <<Understanding.>>

Try to give that to yourself.

Does anyone want to take a stab at how to "give yourself understanding"?  I always sought it from home and I still search for it on the outside, not sure how to go about giving it to myself?

[Sunfl0wer]

Does anyone want to take a stab at how to "give yourself understanding"?  I always sought it from home and I still search for it on the outside, not sure how to go about giving it to myself?

It makes me think of my desire "to be truly seen." To connect with another who is seeing my true self, understanding who I am in the closest sense that I understand and define "me."

The best I can come up with (struggled like a flopping fish with today) ... .is self validation?

[joeramabeme]

Does anyone want to take a stab at how to "give yourself understanding"?  I always sought it from home and I still search for it on the outside, not sure how to go about giving it to myself?

It makes me think of my desire "to be truly seen." To connect with another who is seeing my true self, understanding who I am in the closest sense that I understand and define "me."

The best I can come up with (struggled like a flopping fish with today) ... .is self validation?

Nice Sunflower.  Love the flopping fish! 

I came up with one idea of self-understanding. 

I am now self-validating that I need to feel "safe" in my r/s, not something I felt towards the end and often spent nights at friends houses so that I did feel safe.  Ironically, that is what I kept seeking from her while I simultaneously went elsewhere to get it.

Understanding myself is to validate the needs I perceive myself as having. 

[Sunfl0wer]

Does anyone want to take a stab at how to "give yourself understanding"?  I always sought it from home and I still search for it on the outside, not sure how to go about giving it to myself?

It makes me think of my desire "to be truly seen." To connect with another who is seeing my true self, understanding who I am in the closest sense that I understand and define "me."

The best I can come up with (struggled like a flopping fish with today) ... .is self validation?

Nice Sunflower.  Love the flopping fish! 

I came up with one idea of self-understanding. 

I am now self-validating that I need to feel "safe" in my r/s, not something I felt towards the end and often spent nights at friends houses so that I did feel safe.  Ironically, that is what I kept seeking from her while I simultaneously went elsewhere to get it.

Understanding myself is to validate the needs I perceive myself as having. 

The irony is... .

Feeling safe with him is what drew me to him... .and him to me.  Feeling unsafe... .is what ended it. 

I think a bunch of us feel that our partner understood us in a special way... .it felt safe.  He was really good about my PTSD issues... .a natural.  He didn't even have to think about some of the really helpful things he did, he just did them unconsciously.  By the end, he intentionally triggered me.

Understanding myself is to validate the needs I perceive myself as having.  That works!

[jhkbuzz]

I see many posts where people ask why it is so hard to break away from people with BPD traits, for me, part of that answer is that I cannot navigate across the chasm of our shared life experiences to her complete disconnect and disregard for the last 13 years of our life together.

That "disconnect and disregard" may be dissociative in nature. It was for my ex. She could completely shut down her emotions. It's a defense mechanism in response to overwhelming emotions.

This makes total sense but still does not feel good. 

Thanks again!

That level of dissociation is a backhand compliment... .her feelings about the breakup are so overwhelming for her that she has simply shut down. Exited. If her feelings weren't as strong she wouldn't need to dissociate.