my love for this man is killing me

[last resort]

i have been in a relationship with a man i truly love for 2 years now but i feel now it is really making me ill as his BPD behaviour is just getting worse and worse. The more 'understanding' i try to be, the more controlling,paranoid and controlling he becomes. I walk on eggshells all the time, my confidence and self esteem are decreasin every day and i can feel myself berating myself for everything as if its now all my fault - yet in my heart i know it isnt.

I have great understanding for mental health issues as i have suffered clinical depression in the past and i dont want to desert him but he is constantly accusing me of seeing other men, looking at men, goes through my texts and messages - looking for some sort of clue - refuses to give me any head space, especially now as my father has just died and since then he has had two of what i call his 'meltdowns' - for eg the night after my father was buried i was very ill and went to sleep downstairs so as not to disturb him, at 5 o clock in the morning the door made a click noise (which it does sometimes if i havent closed it properly), it woke me up and i went back up to bed - it had also woken him up, and in the morning he accused me of having another man downstairs while he was in bed - regardless of the fact that i am a very loyal person, had been vomiting all night and had just buried my father! He is getting more and more irrational, i never go out anywhere with him as its too much trouble, dont like to be round him if he drinks, and he has caused trouble between me and friends so that i am getting more and more isolated. i love him but i feel so depressed and need to grieve for my dad, and although he is on medication i feel he only says he will get help because he wants me to stop him leaving him - but he is really killing me mentally and emotionally and i dont know what to do as i can not get him to back off!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[vortex of confusion]

   

I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your dad.

Having to deal with this stuff while trying to grieve sounds really friggin' hard.

Have you had a chance to look at the lessons that you can find to the right? There is a lot of good stuff there.

Your story is very similar to what a lot of people here have experienced. Keep posting! This is a great place to vent and share your frustrations and seek guidance. And, if you are feeling isolated, it is a great place to reach out and not feel so alone.

[an0ught]

last resort,

dealing with jealousy is very difficult for us as it is tempting to go into JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain) mode and invalidate our partner making matters worse. Finding a good validating way to deal with it (check out the workshops on validation in the LESSONS) and at the same time sticking to your own course (check out the workshops on boundaries) will take some time to learn. But it is entirely doable and likely provides some measure of relief.

Again welcome to the board,

a0