Ruminating and Ruminating Some More

[Depression = 72% of members]

I can't get her out of my head. It's been about 2 months now so enough already! And it's not even her that's in my head, its the notion of "us" and what could have, should have been.

I am very tempted to call or email. It's almost feels like a drug withdrawal. But I won't. Nothing good could come of it.

Ugh!

[WhatJustHappened?]

I can't get her out of my head. It's been about 2 months now so enough already! And it's not even her that's in my head, its the notion of "us" and what could have, should have been.

I am very tempted to call or email. It's almost feels like a drug withdrawal. But I won't. Nothing good could come of it.

Ugh!

[sas1729]

Keep at it!

What could have been is what was. There is no willing BPD away. It's sad but reality. Stay strong and keep at it!

"Keep calm and carry on." 

[ReclaimingMyLife]

Yep, and going back to the drug (ex) only starts the clock again.  When I quit smoking the first week was pure hell.  One of the biggest deterrents to me smoking again is that I NEVER want to go through week one again.  NEVER.  It was pure hell.  Which has kept me from smoking for 20 years this month (hell yea!). 

I absolutely, positively do NOT want to go back to day 1, week 1 with my ex.  Do you?  Are you up for starting the clock again? 

What good will come of it?  She is her loveliest self and you end up missing her more or worse end up in a recycle.  Or she is her most horrid self who says terrible things leaving you feeling bad or worse than you do now.  Is there a win for you? 

That said, I don't believe you could never talk to her.  Maybe you can and maybe you will.  My only suggestion is to do so long AFTER the withdrawal is over.  My rule of thumb is I can talk to an ex once I don't really care if I do of if I don't.  Either way would be fine.  Once you hit that point, then you are probably in better shape to talk without getting sucked into anything (r/s, magical thinking, ruminations, etc.)   (disclaimer:  that has been true for me with all of my nonBPD ex's;  not sure if it applies as much to xBPD. I am pretty sure I will never speak to my ex again.  Not because I couldn't or wouldn't want to but b/c I don't trust him to be able to do so.  I don't trust him at all which, in the end, probably makes any conversation we might have pretty much meaningless. 

[WhatJustHappened?]

Keep at it!

What could have been is what was. There is no willing BPD away. It's sad but reality. Stay strong and keep at it!

"Keep calm and carry on." 

Almost sounds like a Led Zeppelin song I know there's no easy fix for BPD and I feel silly for being so wrapped up in this emotional state. Thanks for the encouragement.

[apollotech]

Don't be too hard on yourself WJH. Grieving the loss of the relationship is healthy; grieving the loss of an abusive partner is not. You're having the healthy grief.

[WhatJustHappened?]

I absolutely, positively do NOT want to go back to day 1, week 1 with my ex.  Do you?  Are you up for starting the clock again? What good will come of it?

Nope, that's how I feel. Nothing good can come from it. It will end in the same way and start the clock again. If I felt so silly about myself with previous recycle attempts, I would feel even worse if things heated up again. Good observation.

Thanks everyone else for your support. Appreciate it. I saw some great tools on rumination on this forum which I will utilize.

[ReclaimingMyLife]

I absolutely, positively do NOT want to go back to day 1, week 1 with my ex.  Do you?  Are you up for starting the clock again? What good will come of it?

Nope, that's how I feel. Nothing good can come from it. It will end in the same way and start the clock again. If I felt so silly about myself with previous recycle attempts, I would feel even worse if things heated up again. Good observation.

You are so right.   I wish with every fiber in my being that this r/s had never even started and/or that I had walked so much sooner.    What the heck am I thinking when I fantasize abt reconnecting?   It would be a disaster to the nth degree.

[fromheeltoheal]

Hey What-

So you've realized that it's not her in your head, it's that fantasy called 'us', the one that you say could/should have been, but wasn't.  You've made the distinction that those are two different things, and good awareness!  And so really, she couldn't fulfill that fantasy, in fact what's going on in your head has nothing to do with her, so contacting her wouldn't help, yes?   

So what is that desire in your head?  Where did it come from?

[WhatJustHappened?]

Hey What-

So you've realized that it's not her in your head, it's that fantasy called 'us', the one that you say could/should have been, but wasn't.  You've made the distinction that those are two different things, and good awareness!  And so really, she couldn't fulfill that fantasy, in fact what's going on in your head has nothing to do with her, so contacting her wouldn't help, yes?   

So what is that desire in your head?  Where did it come from?

The desire comes from many years of wondering what happened to her and missing the intensity.  As you know, she was one of my first, intense loves. So when we reconnected many years later, there was already some anticipation/expectation there.

For me, it was like "wow, here she is again after years of wondering how she was.  She's still beautiful and wants me".

She kept using words like " soulmate" and "destined to be together" which further fueled the intensity.

And now that I think about it, I think there was something to do with age. We were together in our early 20s and now are in our mid 40s trying to recapture our youth.

Does this make sense?

[fromheeltoheal]

Hey What-

So you've realized that it's not her in your head, it's that fantasy called 'us', the one that you say could/should have been, but wasn't.  You've made the distinction that those are two different things, and good awareness!  And so really, she couldn't fulfill that fantasy, in fact what's going on in your head has nothing to do with her, so contacting her wouldn't help, yes?   

So what is that desire in your head?  Where did it come from?

The desire comes from many years of wondering what happened to her and missing the intensity.  As you know, she was one of my first, intense loves. So when we reconnected many years later, there was already some anticipation/expectation there.

For me, it was like "wow, here she is again after years of wondering how she was.  She's still beautiful and wants me".

She kept using words like " soulmate" and "destined to be together" which further fueled the intensity.

And now that I think about it, I think there was something to do with age. We were together in our early 20s and now are in our mid 40s trying to recapture our youth.

Does this make sense?

Yes, it makes sense.  The first step is accepting that you could never get what you want from her, not on a sustainable basis, if she exhibits traits of the disorder, since borderlines don't do sustainable.  And then, once you've accepted that fully, radical acceptance it's called around here, the desire to get it from her may lessen, all part of letting her go and letting the hope that it could ever work go.  But if there is still a desire, not for her specifically, but in general, where does that come from?  It could come from a longing for the feelings of your youth, as you mention, or it could be before that, if you grew up in an environment where you didn't get your emotional needs met, so it left you with a longing that you learned how to deal with, but it was awakened by the relationship, and that's actually the good news, since now that it's front and center in your awareness you can address it, lots of opportunity for growth there, and that growth may end up being what you see as the gift of the relationship.  Any of that speak to you?