Two Older Estranged Brothers both with BPD--New Clarity?

[Littlesister2]

As I reflect on the behavior of my brothers over the years of our growing up, and now some twenty years later after we have been estranged of their choosing, I understand more of their challenges in maintaining emotionally intimate relationships.

What is important to me is that I do not reintroduce myself to the chaos and drama I lived through with them growing up and whenever they resurface in my life. I have learned to take care of myself, set boundaries, and make choices about intimate relationships in my life that are healthy. Both brothers are not healthy for me, and I have tried with them more than a few times, extending concern, trust, openness, only to have some painful experience come of it with their behaviors.

I would just like some perspective from others. I cannot fix them, and it is only my responsibility to live my life on my terms. I do not need to suffer for their "love."  What has re-introduced us into each others' lives is the death of my mother last year. Of course, they couldn't be there to do anything, only extending their hands for money as I see it, in spite of their terrible treatment of her for years.

Thank you!

Littlesister2

[PinkieV]

Oh goodness, we could be twins, except I have a younger brother as well.

I had no idea about BPD and NPD when my mom died five years ago.  Both my older brothers went off the deep end.  I was the executrix of her will, and they were somehow expecting a huge payout.  When that didn't happen, they turned on me, accusing me of stealing their money, being a whore who's parents had to pay so my husband would marry me, accusing my son of stealing the furniture out of the house, etc. etc. etc.  I wish I had a fraction of the tools that I have now - my DH's ex is uBPD and I found this board to help him deal with her when he got custody of his two sons.

My oldest brother died 3.5 years ago, and our relationship was never repaired.  I have a very limited contact relationship with my other older brother.  We are friends on FB, but I don't follow him.  Last year he was basically homeless, and he called every other relative trying to guilt them out of money or a place to live, but not me.  Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries.  He's doing better now, with a new job, and I will check in on his FB page once or twice a month to see what he is up to.  We see each other at Christmas.

I went through a lot of guilt - from myself and other family members - for my decision to have no or very limited contact.  They just didn't get how horrible my brothers were behaving.  Since then, I've realized that BPD and NPD run in my mom's family.  She was most likely a BPD waif, her next older sister a BPD queen, and my oldest brother's daughter BPD and who knows what else.  I have been no contact with her for two years.

I subscribe to the theory that when you're an adult, family is who you choose, and they're not always related to you.  I can love them - from afar.  If other family members don't understand, that is not my problem.  They'll probably figure it out one day!