Has anyone on here truly been HAPPY?

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I am 36. Married for almost 13 years. I have a 3 year old son. I have an uBPD mom and an enabling dad. I have has an awful marriage because I was distracted by my mothers' issues... .I realize I have never been happy and I don't know how. I have lived life waiting for the other shoe to drop... .For the roller coaster to bit the next drop... .I have wonderful moments with my son... .Nice days withy friends. But I don't know happiness. Because growing up was the same. No sense of safety... .Always scared since my parents had volatile fights. Then when I grew up never knew what my mom might be offended by or when she would rage. On good days with her, I breathed a sigh a relief. But bad days could send me into immense panic. My husband and I are moving across the country from my parents soon... .I hope to find happiness away from my mother... At least to breathe without her sucking my air away. Without fending her off every week... .Yes I've been in therapy for 8 years. It's helped but I'm still in this rut. Anyone else feel this way?

[MiserableDaughter]

I am 36. Married for almost 13 years. I have a 3 year old son. I have an uBPD mom and an enabling dad. I have has an awful marriage because I was distracted by my mothers' issues... .I realize I have never been happy and I don't know how. I have lived life waiting for the other shoe to drop... .For the roller coaster to bit the next drop... .I have wonderful moments with my son... .Nice days withy friends. But I don't know happiness. Because growing up was the same. No sense of safety... .Always scared since my parents had volatile fights. Then when I grew up never knew what my mom might be offended by or when she would rage. On good days with her, I breathed a sigh a relief. But bad days could send me into immense panic. My husband and I are moving across the country from my parents soon... .I hope to find happiness away from my mother... At least to breathe without her sucking my air away. Without fending her off every week... .Yes I've been in therapy for 8 years. It's helped but I'm still in this rut. Anyone else feel this way?

[keldubs78]

I am also 36.  Also have a uBPD and did have an enDad (he recently passed away).  I understand exactly what you are saying.  I also have never known how to be happy.  I've spent most of my adult and married and years as a mother so consumed with my parents, trying to change my mom mostly because I felt so sad for my dad.  He tried so hard to make her happy.  He did anything from an outsider's perspective that could have possibly made her happy.  Nothing was ever enough.  I grew up in that environment witnessing her disatisfaction with everything.  No matter what happened, big or small, my mom found fault in it.  Her mantra was, "the universe is against me."  I was on edge not sure when she would burst into tears and scream and rage about seemingly nothing.  I remember sitting at the dinner table as a kid with just my parents (I was an only child) with just tears streaming down my face and I couldn't explain why.  It was just pure confusion and upset that my mom had unleashed one of her rages and then things had cooled down (as they always did for a period after) and we were just sitting at our dinner table like a stepford family and not talking about the obvious elephant in the room.  Honestly, while I NEVER would have wanted my dad to be gone, one silver lining in his death is that I am free of worry about her torment of him.  I thought I could tolerate her once he was gone because I didn't think her behavior would affect me as much since it was no longer about worrying about him.  However, as predicted, her disorder ramped up exponentially in the weeks leading up to his death and in the couple of weeks following.  I decided to go NC.  It was affecting me more than ever because of the anger I had toward her from how she acted that negatively affected him in his last weeks and also how she has treated me since his death.  Not having her in my life is the first glimpse at true happiness I feel like I've ever had.  I mean, I am grieving terribly for my dad so I don't feel "happy" right now but I see possibility in that I can actually live my life for me now, something that she would not allow me to do.  More than ever she was determined to take me down into her misery after my dad died and even in just 2 weeks it broke me to the point of NC.  Good luck to you in your move.  I wish I could say that distance would help but I live 4 hours away from my mom and her daily texting and calling is enough to destroy any true happiness I can have. 

[MiserableDaughter]

Can I ask how your husband has handled all of this with your mom? Has he been understanding or angry? Mine has been very very angry at me for not setting her straight and not letting him set her straight. I guess moving is one last chance for me. I know I cannot resolve my marriage near her. My husband gets pissed whenever he sees her. These things come up all the time... .Holidays etc. As far as I known I've been suicidal. I think those things always now but now I think I have my son so I can't do anything to harm myself... .I guess I'm so lost in life. Looking for my happiness.  Maybe I just need my distance to figure out my life... .I don't know... .I do know I have bouts of happiness when I am far away from her... .

[keldubs78]

He has been mostly supportive but also angry at times.  He loses his patience mostly that I can't just accept that this is how she is and just blow it off and not let it affect me.  He blames me for not just letting it go.  We've been in marital counseling mostly because of my family.  My husband is pretty patient and also does not let this kind of stuff with my mom affect him.  She hates him because he just keeps her at arms' length and she knows that he knows she has BPD (although she won't accept or believe it).  My mom demands respect from people despite not behaving in a way that would earn her any.  Simply due to the fact that she is my husband's mother-in-law, she thinks he should be bowing down to her.  My husband doesn't bow down to anyone let alone her.  He's a strong personality and has done an excellent job of never losing his temper with her or engaging in her BS so that enrages her.  She wants people to engage so she can play the victim.  I wish I had half of his ability to do that but being that I grew up with it and it has deeply affected my entire life both as a child and an adult and despite much therapy and research about how to interact with her and not let it affect me, it has not been something I have been able to figure out.  And at this point, I don't want to spend another second of my life trying to figure it out.  Why should I be in therapy for her problems?  Why should I be expected to handle her with white gloves and step around her as to not upset her?  I've done all that to the best of my ability and she provokes and pokes and prods until she gets me engaged and the cycle just repeats itself over and over and over.  For my own health and sanity, NC is where I need to be.  Maybe the distance will make your marriage and your life better but my suggestion is to even with the physical distance, you set strong contact boundaries as well - like a weekly agreement of a time you will call and not speak the rest of the week.  Otherwise, I would guess you will be getting a lot of phone calls, texts, emails, etc. and those can disrupt your life just as much.  Good luck.