Have you ever written a letter and gave it to them?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I was inspired by a member here that wrote his pwBPD two letters: one to for them to read immediately and another for them to read in the future (hopefully after treatment).  Has anyone ever done this?  What was the reaction?  Tomorrow will be one week since my recycle crashed (tomorrow will mark 5 days of NC).  I am thinking about doing this tonight and giving her both letters tomorrow.  :)oes that sound like a bad idea?

I don't plan to re-establish contact.  She works with me and I was planning to just drop the letters on her desk and walk away, never to be heard from again.

[Lonely_Astro]

I was inspired by a member here that wrote his pwBPD two letters: one to for them to read immediately and another for them to read in the future (hopefully after treatment).  Has anyone ever done this?  What was the reaction?  Tomorrow will be one week since my recycle crashed (tomorrow will mark 5 days of NC).  I am thinking about doing this tonight and giving her both letters tomorrow.  :)oes that sound like a bad idea?

I don't plan to re-establish contact.  She works with me and I was planning to just drop the letters on her desk and walk away, never to be heard from again.

[Brood]

Are you doing this for closure? What is the goal behind these letters?

[Lonely_Astro]

Are you doing this for closure? What is the goal behind these letters?

Yes, for a sense of closure for myself.  The other idea behind that is to tell her that I hope she does seek therapy (as she has claimed to have taken, but I don't think it was serious - as in DBT - like she had told me she had had before we had a recycle relationship).  I want my 'please read now' letter to be about her getting that help she needs to hopefully see she does need the help.  I wrote her a letter and gave it to her three years ago and she has always told me that that letter made her choose to get help.  She, of course, has had a relapse (or she never really went to therapy but a few times), but maybe a 'new' letter will help her find her way again.

The 'please read later' letter will be about me telling her that I always knew she could be the person she wanted and how I was proud she took the steps to get help and read the letter and so on.  She may read it immediately, Ill have no control over that, but it will give me the peace of mind that I did follow through with my promise to her to be there when she was better - as in truly regulated.  I thought we were there now, but I have found out a lot over the past few days from various sources that actually have confirmed what I suspected for a couple of months now: she hasn't been regulated at all. 

Even if she puts in the effort to 'get better', there is no future for us.  That door has permanently closed.  I told her in my first letter (3 years ago) that if she got better, I would be there for her at the end of her journey if she had an interest.  She essentially exploited that by appearing better for me.  Don't get me wrong, I still miss her a ton and want her to succeed.  Its just after this bout of lying and doing what she has done, I will forever subscribe to the quote of Friedrich Nietzsche: "I'm not upset that you lied to me, I'm upset that from now on I can't believe you."  Therefore, even if she were to miraculous be cured of her BPD, I would never believe a word she says.  Without trust, there is no hope for a future, and I know I can never trust her again.

[Brood]

Astro You sound like an amazing partner and anyone would be lucky to have someone as thoughtful as you.

I'm just trying to build the courage to do what you've done twice over and its the hardest thing I have ever thought of doing... and your last thoughts really rang true for me too.

Particularly the part about losing trust from the lies and the abuse.

In the beginning of my relationship, her cruel words cut me to the soul, made me cry and beg for her to reconsider...

After over a year of this treatment, her words have no effect on me but anger and resentment.

Reading your post, I put my relationship in your situation and I understand every emotion that comes through your words. I have asked my s/o for permission to enter her therapy sessions, that was rejected. I also asked if we could pursue relationship counseling. That was also rejected. So I went forward, living day by day, and keeping my head as low to the floor as possible.

I don't know if there's much to be gained from sending these letters. You've made the decision to leave and now she's destroyed every ounce of trust you had. If I sent my s/o messages like this I would think about her reading them every day. Probably obsessing over whether it worked, and whether there is any remaining chance with her. What would the messages do to her? Would she think about moving on with her life? Or would it pull her backwards? Maybe this is what you actually want? If you have the strength to think this way without letting yourself fall for her again, maybe it will be good for you... but I think if I did something like this I would obsess dangerously, preventing me from moving on. Whatever your choice I hope you find the happiness you deserve.

[Lonely_Astro]

Astro You sound like an amazing partner and anyone would be lucky to have someone as thoughtful as you.

I'm just trying to build the courage to do what you've done twice over and its the hardest thing I have ever thought of doing... and your last thoughts really rang true for me too.

Particularly the part about losing trust from the lies and the abuse.

In the beginning of my relationship, her cruel words cut me to the soul, made me cry and beg for her to reconsider...

After over a year of this treatment, her words have no effect on me but anger and resentment.

Reading your post, I put my relationship in your situation and I understand every emotion that comes through your words. I have asked my s/o for permission to enter her therapy sessions, that was rejected. I also asked if we could pursue relationship counseling. That was also rejected. So I went forward, living day by day, and keeping my head as low to the floor as possible.

I don't know if there's much to be gained from sending these letters. You've made the decision to leave and now she's destroyed every ounce of trust you had. If I sent my s/o messages like this I would think about her reading them every day. Probably obsessing over whether it worked, and whether there is any remaining chance with her. What would the messages do to her? Would she think about moving on with her life? Or would it pull her backwards? Maybe this is what you actually want? If you have the strength to think this way without letting yourself fall for her again, maybe it will be good for you... but I think if I did something like this I would obsess dangerously, preventing me from moving on. Whatever your choice I hope you find the happiness you deserve.

Thanks, Brood.  I decided to go back and read the text messages we shared over the past month... .there are a lot.  But I did notice something I haven't before, she was very passive aggressive in using the silent treatment and then turning that treatment (and anger) around to be my fault.  Sure, there were a lot of messages from her asking about me (hows my day going, am I ok, etc), but they all ended up talking about her problems (I was upset because she did something - according to her - or her estranged husband was doing something, or her mom, or whatever).

After giving it a couple of hours to stew, I've decided I'm not going to put the energy into writing the letters.  What needs to be said has been said by me when I last texted her on Wed.  I will post what that was now (with her responses):

Me: "Over the past couple of days I've tried to imagine what I'm feeling magnified immensely and that may give me some sense of what you're experiencing everyday due to your condition.  I have reflected on how we arrived to where we are and I realized how trying and hard this past year has been on you... .the waiting, not knowing, the fear I was lying to you or if I would abandon you.  It would be hard for anyone, more so with you.  Parts of it were hard on me as well.  I say that not to minimize, I say that to give you my perspective.  I should've not worried so much about finances or other things and just let us be us.  The reasons I didn't move faster to you, in my head, made sense.  There were things I wanted to see happen for myself, but that doesn't really matter right now.  I could have communicated better.  But, as I write this with tear filled eyes, Jane, this past year was one of my greatest.  You showed me so much love and you showed me what a huge heart you have and how amazing you are.  Never question again if you should be here, the world is a brighter place for you being in it.  You gave me a great year, you gave me you.  The you you always said you wanted to be.  I, unfortunately, didn't seize the amazing chance I had because of my own fears and hangups.  Brian is lucky for having the ability to do so, he has a clean slate with you.  Please be kind to yourself and to him as you were to me, thats all that I can ask for.  I hope that he wants all of you and not just a part of you.  You deserve nothing less than everything.  Never settle for anything less.

Jane (approximately 3 hours later): "Just seeing this.  Ill reply.  Its going to take a few."

Jane (approximately 6 hours after her last text - 9 hours from original text from me): "This made me cry my eyes out all day"

Me (a few mins after that): "Making you cry wasn't my intent.  In your moments of darkness, I hope you look back on what I sent and know you'll always have a silent cheerleader rooting for you to get better."

Those were the last words I ever spoke and ever will speak to her again (outside of business stuff, only because I am forced to).  The very next day, her mom posted a photo of the two of them smiling and happy at a restaurant on the beach where they were vacationing.  But, I know what happens to her when she's alone with her thoughts.  That smile, just like the rest of her, is a mask.  Brian doesn't know what he's getting into, but he will.  I am not angry with him, he had no idea I was even in the picture at the same time he was.  But, thats a tale for another time.

God speed to you, Brood.  Each day makes it a little easier.  I think I am processing it faster this time because this is round 2 (and the final round!) for me... .I always had in the back of my mind that this could happen, I just gave her a genuine chance (even though she said I didn't) because I am human; I make mistakes.

[rotiroti]

After giving it a couple of hours to stew, I've decided I'm not going to put the energy into writing the letters.  What needs to be said has been said by me when I last texted her on Wed.

Right on! I was about to start looking through the forums -- this topic of writing a letter comes up time to time and they always turn sour. Glad to see to see that you already said what you needed to say

[Schermarhorn]

I personally wouldn't do it. It appears pwBPD tend to pull the "I am being stalked" situation.

When I was going through my breakup, I wrote like 7 letters to her that I ended up never sending. Now I am glad I did not send them.

You don't owe her anything, no matter what you tell her, it is not going to make her better. It has to be her own choice to fully commit.

[valet]

Hey Lonely_Astro, how ready do you feel that you are to let her go?

I think that you'll find the answer to your question nestled somewhere in that thought.

[rotiroti]

I personally wouldn't do it. It appears pwBPD tend to pull the "I am being stalked" situation.

When I was going through my breakup, I wrote like 7 letters to her that I ended up never sending. Now I am glad I did not send them.

You don't owe her anything, no matter what you tell her, it is not going to make her better. It has to be her own choice to fully commit.

Hey Schermarhorn, just want to say you've come really far since you started posting here! How are you today?

(sorry for hijacking astro)

[Schermarhorn]

I personally wouldn't do it. It appears pwBPD tend to pull the "I am being stalked" situation.

When I was going through my breakup, I wrote like 7 letters to her that I ended up never sending. Now I am glad I did not send them.

You don't owe her anything, no matter what you tell her, it is not going to make her better. It has to be her own choice to fully commit.

Hey Schermarhorn, just want to say you've come really far since you started posting here! How are you today?

(sorry for hijacking astro)

It still hurts a lot, but I'm starting to feel like I dodged a bullet.

When I was texted by her bf from alaska (not anymore now ) after a month of nc, I realized how stupid the whole situation was.

I'm just hoping she stays away, I don't know if I can resist messaging her if she did. I deleted her number, so I can't block it.

[Lonely_Astro]

Hey Lonely_Astro, how ready do you feel that you are to let her go?

I think that you'll find the answer to your question nestled somewhere in that thought.

How ready do I feel to let her go?  Letting her, the real her, go isn't hard for me.  As I once read, saying goodbye isn't the hard part.  Living with the memories made and realizing all the hopes and dreams you had for that person are no longer a possibility is the hard part.  I do believe that.  The Jane that I 'knew' is the Jane I miss.  I also realize now that what I was seeing, that greatness, wasn't her... .it was me.  All that she offered me, I was offering the world.  The true Jane, the one that has lied to me for however long, who has used me and is currently using others... .I would like to never be around again.

I've talked about in other threads about how I would find odd coincidences that I knew deep down inside weren't odd coincidences, I just wanted to tell myself that to give her the benefit.  For instance, I would go by her parents house on my way to work in the early mornings and her car wouldn't be there.  When I'd ask about it, she'd always have an excuse (usually pretty flimsy).  The day I found out that there were no divorce papers on file and confronted her about it, I told her that I now understood why her car wasn't there and why it appeared no one lived in the room she supposedly lived in - she wasn't staying with her parents, but with her husband.  She flat out denied that, but I know now that had been a lie (a friend of mine told me that she had known that Jane attempted reconciliation with Mike "sometime during the winter" but couldn't remember exactly when that was and knew it only lasted a couple of months.  Guess what?  That happened to coincide with the time frame of her car not being there).  Strangely enough, after I called her bluff on all that, it did appear that she did move to her parents house and had her stuff there (I would see her car there every morning I went by and she had what was obviously her items in the spare bedroom of her parents house).  Ultimately, I wouldn't have blamed her if she did try to work things out with Mike, I just asked that I would be informed if she did (we had a discussion about it at the beginning of our tryst).

Anyway, today is going to be the interesting day.  I am headed to the office in a few and she should be there today.  I have no idea how it will go.  Jane is extremely high functioning compared to many of the BPDs I've read that a lot of you have to deal with.  She isn't outwardly explosive, I've never known her to attempt suicide, nor have I seen any evidence of cutting, and I've never known her to stalk/chase anyone.  Honestly, I think her N traits keep her from doing such things.  No, I imagine today will be about her wearing a certain dress or something she knows I'll like and be in full regalia to show me what I'm missing.  That will be her form of punishment to me, if I had to guess.

[Pretty Woman]

Yes. Biggest mistake ever.

Mine got back with an ex and went "ice cold" on me.  I sent a letter and was threatened with a restraining order. It wasn't a creepy letter... .it was heartfelt.

I am a writer, btw. I know how to write a nice letter.



BPD's are easily "threatened". You never know what the heck will set them off and their impulsiveness could land you with a restraining order and a record.

Best thing to do is write a letter and burn it... .or send it to a good friend if you are jonesing to mail it. Nothing good comes of it... .esp if they have painted you black.

I was threatened but she didn't do it... .and she eventually came back. I was a moron for taking her back after that.

Love is not threatening restraining orders. Clearly something is deeply wrong with a person that does that. Not our place to help them. We need to help ourselves.

[Lonely_Astro]

Yes. Biggest mistake ever.

Mine got back with an ex and went "ice cold" on me.  I sent a letter and was threatened with a restraining order. It wasn't a creepy letter... .it was heartfelt.

I am a writer, btw. I know how to write a nice letter.



BPD's are easily "threatened". You never know what the heck will set them off and their impulsiveness could land you with a restraining order and a record.

Best thing to do is write a letter and burn it... .or send it to a good friend if you are jonesing to mail it. Nothing good comes of it... .esp if they have painted you black.

I was threatened but she didn't do it... .and she eventually came back. I was a moron for taking her back after that.

Love is not threatening restraining orders. Clearly something is deeply wrong with a person that does that. Not our place to help them. We need to help ourselves.

I, too, am a writer. I decided not to write the letters. I'm not going to waste my creative talent on someone it would be wasted on.

For those wondering, she has attempted to re-establish contact with me. I told her I hoped she would go to therapy and get the help she deserves and needs. I got my closure. I than told her to not speak to me again.  She attempted to be the victim, but I'm done with that BS. You're only a victim if you allow yourself to be. End of story.

[Pretty Woman]

Astro,

  That is what I like to hear. Oh she will contact you again.

Stay strong. NC no response. Any little response gives them a mile... .they will try to get back in just for the challenge.

[Lonely_Astro]

Astro,

 That is what I like to hear. Oh she will contact you again.

Stay strong. NC no response. Any little response gives them a mile... .they will try to get back in just for the challenge.

She may, she may not. It doesn't really matter if she does. I said what I needed to. Now is my time. If she takes my advice, fine. She's the new guys problem now. I actually feel sorry for him because he wasn't given a fair shake to start with. Last Monday she was already in the process of devaluing him to me. I did go back and see where she was texting me while she was with him (she told me all the times she lied to me and was with him). I wonder if he asked her who she was texting (I would've been one of her friends or mom or whoever she could think of to lie to him).

Ah yes, I have arrived to the anger stage of grief. Right now, it feels good to be here. I know I'm better than what she twisted me into and I know I deserve better than she'll ever give.  

I am feeling like Rorschach's journal entry from Watchmen right now:

' "This city is afraid of me.  I have seen it's true face.  The streets are extended gutters and the gutters are full of blood and when the drains finally scab over, all the vermin will drown.  The accumulated filth of all their sex and murder will foam up about their waists and all the whores and politicians will look up and shout "Save us!"... .

... .and I'll look down, and whisper "no." '

Of course, the city is an  analogy for her. She had everything with me. She chose to not take that. I will grow stronger from this. She won't.

[rotiroti]

She may, she may not. It doesn't really matter if she does. I said what I needed to.

Powerful.




and Watchmen reference. nice!

[SummerStorm]

I am still sticking to my plan to write her a letter.  Everyone's situation is different, and so this definitely isn't for everyone.  She wrote me one a few weeks ago, and it was very nice.  I texted her after and thanked her for it, and we had a few pleasant exchanges. 

Mine pretty much hit rock bottom back in June (second suicide attempt and realized that she messed up her chance of getting a permanent teaching job, realized how she hurt me and others).  Then, she continued on her path of chaos for another couple of weeks, before realizing that she needs help.  She told me I'm a major reason for her wanting to get help.   

She is moving across the country to be with her parents in September, right around her birthday.  Despite everything, I'm still glad that she's alive and can celebrate her birthday.  I'll write a separate note in the card and then fold the letter and put it in there.  I'm going to text her before I send it, so she knows that I wrote it and am sending it. 

I'm not worried about the stalking accusations.  She's moving, so she knows she has nothing to worry about on that front, and her boyfriend has talked to me and knows I'm not a stalker, so he will shut any of that down.  She only ever talked about one other person "stalking" her, and she never did anything about it.  That guy lived with her, and I'm assuming he came back to get his stuff after she told him to leave. 

[problemsolver]

Yes , I wrote a long winded letter ... kind of asking for closure in a sense... the response I got back was brutal. She completely misinterpreted the msg and basically told me I was nothing to her ahha... She summed up like the last few sentences and then went to town on me... I wouldn't do it again. Being "simple" seems to be the seem because you never know what kind of mood they may be in when they read the letter... .or how they interpret it. I also believe it made her paint me black and re - engage with her ex... for some comfort.

[SummerStorm]

Yes , I wrote a long winded letter ... kind of asking for closure in a sense... the response I got back was brutal. She completely misinterpreted the msg and basically told me I was nothing to her ahha... She summed up like the last few sentences and then went to town on me... I wouldn't do it again. Being "simple" seems to be the seem because you never know what kind of mood they may be in when they read the letter... .or how they interpret it. I also believe it made her paint me black and re - engage with her ex... for some comfort.

Other than a few brief weeks when we were involved romantically, we were friends more than anything, so that is something I have going for me.

I've decided to focus almost completely on our friendship, rather than the other aspects, since she seems to want to forget that we were anything more.  In her letter to me, she apologized for not being a good friend but didn't say anything about how sorry she was that she played with my heart for a month.  At this point, it would be pointless for me to mention that, as she clearly doesn't understand where I'm coming from.

And again, I also have the advantage of knowing how she views me now (she thanked me for my friendship multiple times).  She wants NC because she thinks it's best for everyone.  And really, I see this as her saying, "I don't want to put you through this again, so it's best if we don't talk anymore." 

The note in her birthday card will be brief and very positive, and the letter will be folded up, so she doesn't have to read it right away.   

[Lonely_Astro]

I wanted to catalogue what happened, for the future.

During our last talk, I told her that she needed DBT (she told me she had an appointment Friday to go back to therapy... .I doubt that though) and that the loneliness, emptiness, and disparity she feels won't be regulated until she does.  I also told her she owed the new guy the option to stay or go by telling him upfront that she's BPD.  I also told her that this would be the last day that I ever spoke to her, so if she wanted to rage to rage or cry to cry... .whatever she needed to do to move on (the last part may not have been the nicest thing to say, but I'm not her parent).  She responded telling me how much she loved me and hopes I have a wonderful life and blah blah blah.  Yeah, she loves me enough to date another guy for almost a month (which she tried to minimize when I pointed that out how they've never been one on one and barely talk, etc.- I told her not to put her deception and lies on me because she got busted doing something she shouldn't have.  I told her that she was an adult and may be BPD but she was still responsible for her actions and those actions have consequences), blame me for it, and then tell me how she "tried so hard to have me".  Made me want to puke.

Anyway, yes I broke NC for today.  Tomorrow is a new day, one where she isn't going to be in it at all.  Today I got the closure that I needed and wanted.  I know there will be hard times, but I'll stay strong.  I will in my best Rorschach voice whisper "no" when she wants me to save her again.   I deserve better.