I wish there was an equation to sum up all these emotions

[GreenGlit]

I'm getting married in about 6 weeks this September. It's been a bittersweet time, because while I'm thrilled to find someone who makes me happy, it is basically impossible to merge the life I've built with the life I've had with my uBPD mom.

My adult life has been difficult. I had trouble making friends and adjusting to the adult world because my mom stifled me for so long. While she encouraged me and my sister to be educated and independent, she did nothing to prepare us to do these things. I grew up feeling extremely insecure of myself, and unsure of who I was because whenever I expressed my opinions or my personality, my mom would shoot me down and make me feel like I was wrong to want anything different than what she wanted for me.

Medical school was a huge transition period - it was on my psychiatry rotation that I discovered BPD and associated it with my mom. I started seeing a therapist, and got my life under control. I met a great guy who encourages me to be me and to be happy. I have a fair amount of emotional baggage from my childhood, but being with him, it's easy to trust and love and be comfortable. I wondered for a long time if anybody could love someone so "messed up" as me... .but I learned with him that with the right guy and a little patience, I was able to learn how to trust and build a relationship unlike any my mother was able to model for me.

My wedding has been horribly conflicting in my family. My older sister, who also has uBPD, decided not to attend my wedding because I asked for her children to be babysat for my 20 minute ceremony to avoid any interruptions from upset children during our vows (we are otherwise having a no-child wedding). She took it very personally and feels that I am "shunning her family from the wedding." In the past she has thrown tantrums and I have yielded, but I did not this time, and thus she escalated things until she decided not to come. I've come to terms that my sister is very ill and that I'm not unreasonable to ask for her cooperation, but my mother has blamed me for my sister's behavior and "breaking the family apart." She has also blamed my fiancé for not "supporting my family's wishes" (seriously... .she expects MY fiancé to defend HER?) and my F's mother because, when cornered by my mom, my MIL (who is a saint) said "I think it's their wedding and they should do what they want." Now me, my F, and my F's family have all been painted black by my mom.

Because my mother never offered or wanted to throw me a shower (she said it was a "stupid idea" and "nobody would come", my very supportive friends threw me a beautiful shower where my friends, aunt, MIL, and cousins attended. My mom was going to come, but last minute decided she couldn't make the trip, despite the fact that she is retired and has literally nothing else to do. I was so extremely hurt - part of me really wanted her to come and see what a good life I have, to meet my friends who love me, and to see that I'm happy. But she missed it for no reason. It just hurts, and at the same time, my friend's mother (who hosted the party) said it so well. "I feel so sorry for your mother. Who would want to miss these most joyous moments?"

I have a hard time processing all of my emotions. I feel angry that I couldn't have a loving mom who enjoyed watching me become my own person. I'm resentful for the years of my life I lived under her thumb and the difficulties I have as an adult with trust. I feel hate because she lived so selfishly and never thought about the pain I experienced as a child, while I was made responsible for every one of her emotions. I have immense pity for the very small and unhappy life she has. I am sad that she can't find joy in my blossoming life and share my happiness. All the while, I am happy and excited to start this new chapter, even though there will always be a hole where my mom should be. It just hurts.

I wish I could add it all up and have some net emotional outcome... .it's hard to feel all these things at once. Does anyone feel this way? I think this is pretty typical of having a borderline mother - the many conflicting and sometimes confusion emotions that come with being raised by such an ill person. I don't know. I'd love to hear stories or advice if anyone has to share.

[SunshinePuzzle]

Hi GG -  First of all, congratulations on your wedding!  I am so happy for you that you have found a loving partner who can help you work through all of these issues. Your threads give me a lot of thoughts - I relate to them so much.

I think you are leaps and bounds ahead of where I was when I met my husband - - I too found a loving and supportive partner (and like you I marveled that he could love someone so "messed up" as me - something I am now learning is not healthy for me to think about myself). But we were so young and had no awareness of BPD and how it might affect our life. We treated my mentally ill mom and abusive childhood like something in the past that I'd magically escaped - I am only now realizing how much it has affected me in all of these ensuing years. It's not only my past - it touches me here in the present.

I'm sharing this because I want you to know how accomplished I think you are!  You are already thinking about and talking about these issues now, going into your marriage with open eyes - and setting boundaries and seeking help/advice... .I admire you and though I don't know you, I'm proud of you! 

As for the emotional rollercoaster - I've been on one all year - I feel you! If you find a roadmap, do let me know.   I am finding this board and the books I've jumped into to be a map of sorts. I am so far ahead of where I was before I had a name for BPD. I just finished "Understanding the Borderline Mother," which I can't recommend enough if you haven't read.

I think it's good that you are naming and acknowledging the conflicting emotions you feel right now.  I have been trying to do that - to sit with an emotion instead of trying to stuff it down, drown it out, or ignore it.  I am trying to accept that it's ok to feel.

Your MIL is right. It's your wedding. Your sis may not agree with the way you run it, and that's ok, but it's her *choice* not to come - you didn't "shun" her from the wedding. 

If it were me, and if it came up with my sis again, I might try telling her:

- That I'm sorry she feels shunned; that wasn't my intention. [Explain that the child-only policy is something you need - to help you stress less and be present in the ceremony (or whatever your reason is)]

- That I love her and it would mean a lot to me if she would reconsider, and be with me on this important day in my life.

- That I understand if she doesn't think it is something she can do, and I'll respect her decision.

That's only if you feel that way of course. I don't know where your relationship with your sister is at right now.

[Klo]

My younger brother is going through something very similar right now. He is engaged to the love of his life, they are very happy together (I am close with both of them), and our mother has been especially bad lately with the wedding approaching. She has been badmouthing his fiance to his face, saying audacious and judgemental things and trying to get him to break off the engagement. When he doesn't respond her to manipulation attempts, she gets very cold and snippy with him. She has also been making snide comments, like how she will be wearing sweatpants to his wedding, with a tone and demeanor like it's because it's a stupid waste of time and not anything special. My brother and his fiance took our mother out to dinner recently, trying to play nice, and our mother reportedly spent half the dinner bragging about how much money she has, how she could help them pay for the wedding but she's not going to do so. She is just off the hook lately trying to be passive-aggressive, provocative and manipulative. I think it's in part because my brother has been the opposite-sex child as well as the golden child, and now he has a woman in his life with more sway than our mother has, and it's about to become official. I've rarely seen our mother act this brazenly disgraceful before, normally she's a lot more covert.

Please try to just enjoy your wedding and remember that it is you and your partner's special day. If your mother and sister want to be rotten pumpkins about it, it's not your fault and it's still your special day. I keep reminding my brother that our mother is just really dysfunctional and to not take her seriously.

[Leaving]

Klo,

My mother did the same exact things to my brother when he was engaged the first time.  It was so bad that our mother threatened to 'disown' him if he didn't break up with her.  Mom won. 

Not sure if your mother felt this way all along but it seems that in my brother's case, mom was fine with the relationship until she realized how happy my brother was with her. Instead, a few years later, my mother coerced my brother into marrying a woman who was terribly disordered and has caused terrible suffering of her children and wiped out my brother's savings.  She had battled eating disorders, anxiety, alcoholic parents, emotional abandonment, her own over-spending addiction.  I don't want to insult anyone who has these disorders but why would a mother want her son to marry someone with all those problems?  Well, because she hated the first fiance because she had a lovely family- very close and supportive.  The other thing was that my mother knew that my brother's marriage would eventually fail, just as she was entering old age and therefore, she could have him back all to herself.  Additionally, he was the golden child like your brother.

GG,

Your mother's behavior is sadly very typical and predictable.  It's unfortunate that the ugly monster rears its head during the most important moments of our lives but this is what always happens.  I don't think my mother could stand for either of her children to be happy.  Anyone else's happiness was always a threat to her.  After all, if we were happy, we might not need her and we might realize that we don't want to be around her and all her drama.  My mother's misery loves company.

[GreenGlit]

Thank you for all your thoughtful responses... .

Sunshine - thanks for the vote of confidence! My fiancé has been a bit motivation for me to build healthier boundaries with my ill mother. When I started dating him I realized I had the chance to have something really good. It was so terrifying to break old habits and learn to trust. I feel like I'm doing the right thing even if my mother and sister hate me in the process.

I've tried many times to talk to my sister, and even offered to back down and have kids at the wedding, but in her own words, "You're done to me, you selfish unloving brat. I won't go to fake smiles and wear a stupid dress and pretend like I'm happy when I couldn't be more miserable." Literally gave me zero incentives to give her what she wanted. Her actions compared to the overflowing support I have from my F's parents and my friends have really shown me that you can pick your family, and your blood is just a pot of biological accidents. I hope at some point she can overcome her pride and apologize, but I won't be begging her for a relationship. I hope we can get past it, mostly so I can have a relationship with my nephews. I fear for them tremendously. She has the same dynamic with them that my mother did. But in the meantime - I'm happy with myself.

"it's ok to feel" -- seriously. My own therapist started crying one day when I was telling her a sad story form my childhood (I didn't even feel particularly sad recounting it). I really don't allow myself to experience a lot of emotions unless I make it a conscious effort. I think that is just from the many years of having to stifle our own emotions to survive and to take care of our mother's emotional needs.

Klo and Leaving - how sad to hear those stories of a mom being successful in sabotaging a good thing. I was much like Klo's brother, making efforts to treat my mom well, and having it be met with cruel comments. I couldn't put my F through it anymore. This past weekend I went to a bridal shower for one of my friends, and her mother was overjoyed with happiness. It happened to be the same woman who graciously hosted my own shower when she discovered my mother didn't care to do it herself. I could see how she looked so lovingly at her daughter, happy to see her start this new chapter... .it made me sad that I will never know that kindness. I like to think our mothers don't find JOY in our failure, but instead are so wrapped up in their own emotional needs and intense fears of abandonment, that they don't realize how far-reaching their self-protective efforts can be. I believe my mom wants me to be happy, but is so fearful of abandonment, she can't ever find joy in my independence. Truly it must be a terrible life to feel that way. I agree though that things get worse with events like weddings - when you promise someone ELSE that you will be loyal to them. For a BPD mom I imagine that is akin to hearing "I won't be loyal to mom anymore."