adult child --i think has BPD

[maggie02]

Hi, I am new here and need help.  After reading many articles, I believe our adult daughter has border personality disorder.  She has an 8 year old daughter who lives with us due to their lack of housing and full time job. Walking on eggshells is an understatement.  The reason I am writing though is that she is planning on going to another country for a year to live with a man she has known for maybe 4 months and plans on taking her daughter with her.  We have permanent legal guardianship due to the unexpected loss of her housing and having to put our grandchild in school(they wouldn't allow her in unless we had temporary legal guardianship, the judge changed it to permanent for some reason)  We know we are in for a huge explosion.  She visits her daughter every other to every week recently. Prior to that she visited only once every three weeks(She lives an hour and a half away).  She is not attentive to her daughter unless it suits her. She is either on the phone or computer, or telling her she will do something with her, but then hours go by and she rarely follows through. She sleeps a lot when she is here, drinks a ton of wine, and basically talks only when she feels like it.  We are seeing her become more and more irritable  and we do not feel she should have her daughter unless she gets a full time job and apartment to prove she can be responsible.  She refuses to get a "normal" boring job, and does free lance work only.  We are exhausted.  This has been going on for years and have suspected something was "off", but not sure what.  Any help would be appreciated.  Like how do we say no to her?  How do we handle the inevitable explosion? How do we direct her to get help without hurting her?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Rapt Reader]

Hello, maggie02 &

I'm really sorry that you are having troubles with your daughter, and I know that all of the parents on this Board will know exactly how concerned you are about her taking your grandchild out of the country (especially under these "iffy" circumstances  ). I'm glad you found us; there are actually some members who also have custody of their grandchildren, and if you search through the threads on the Parenting Board you will see their stories... .

I can understand your fears of her dysregulating and causing quite the scene if you tell her that she cannot take your granddaughter out of the country... .Have you had the chance to read the links to the right-hand side of this page? The TOOLS and THE LESSONS are very helpful and informational in learning how to understand how your daughter's mind works, and in learning how to communicate with her better. They are an invaluable resource, and paying special attention to the communication techniques (Validation and S.E.T.) are a must.

Validation (here: COMMUNICATION: Validation) and S.E.T. (here: COMMUNICATION: S.E.T.- Support, Empathy, Truth) are two communication techniques that would help you have that conversation with her in a way that would not push all of her buttons. I highly recommend checking out the Workshops at those links before you try to talk to her about this situation if you can... .I'm so sorry that you are having to deal with this!

I know the stress of having to deal with loved ones with BPD, and I can assure you that the information at the links above really make a difference! Situations can really be defused using these techniques, and we can answer any questions you may have and help you figure out how to use them. Please read all you can on this site, maggie02, and tell us more of your story, and ask your questions... .We want to help you