Out of the fire into the frying pan

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hi all,

I'm kind of glad I found this forum because it's hard to talk about the things my mother has put me through with people that have never experienced it.

Firstly, I'm 22 and have recently lost contact with the majority of my family owing to my mother and her uBPD.

As far back as I can remember, she has always exhibited the typical behaviours of a BPD mother, most specifically being the Queen behaviour (with a bit of Witch thrown in occasionally).

I could probably write an essay on my childhood, but I think it's the last few months that I really want to focus on; my emancipation from my mother and the effect of that on my family.

I currently live with my partner and her family as that was where I was when my mother inadvertently kicked me out last November. My relationship infuriated her as she had been diagnosed with COPD and I continued to live my life as normally as possible, so she would react angrily and abusively if I spent the evening out of the house. At that point, I was working two jobs (one of which was putting enormous amounts of stress on me) to fund the household and pay rent (alongside my step-dad) and was then expected to come home and maintain the housework and kids. The stress of this began to take it's toll and due to spending more and more time with my partner, she told me to not bother going home (after she conned me out of £300 and subsequently committed identity fraud against me for a further £700).

Now she uses my younger siblings (9, 11, 14 and 18) as leverage whimsically stopping them from seeing me and telling them I don't WANT to see them and that I am "punishing" her, which is insane as I have nothing to do with her now.  At 22, and not having a relationship with my father due to her manipulation when I was younger have left me feeling very isolated with this situation. My siblings are very much under her influence and for the most part believe the poison she drips in their ears about me.

I don't think I've explained all of this very eloquently at all, but has anyone else experienced anything similar? How have you/do you cope with this?

Thanks for taking the time to read!

[heartsw3lls]

Hi all,

I'm kind of glad I found this forum because it's hard to talk about the things my mother has put me through with people that have never experienced it.

Firstly, I'm 22 and have recently lost contact with the majority of my family owing to my mother and her uBPD.

As far back as I can remember, she has always exhibited the typical behaviours of a BPD mother, most specifically being the Queen behaviour (with a bit of Witch thrown in occasionally).

I could probably write an essay on my childhood, but I think it's the last few months that I really want to focus on; my emancipation from my mother and the effect of that on my family.

I currently live with my partner and her family as that was where I was when my mother inadvertently kicked me out last November. My relationship infuriated her as she had been diagnosed with COPD and I continued to live my life as normally as possible, so she would react angrily and abusively if I spent the evening out of the house. At that point, I was working two jobs (one of which was putting enormous amounts of stress on me) to fund the household and pay rent (alongside my step-dad) and was then expected to come home and maintain the housework and kids. The stress of this began to take it's toll and due to spending more and more time with my partner, she told me to not bother going home (after she conned me out of £300 and subsequently committed identity fraud against me for a further £700).

Now she uses my younger siblings (9, 11, 14 and 18) as leverage whimsically stopping them from seeing me and telling them I don't WANT to see them and that I am "punishing" her, which is insane as I have nothing to do with her now.  At 22, and not having a relationship with my father due to her manipulation when I was younger have left me feeling very isolated with this situation. My siblings are very much under her influence and for the most part believe the poison she drips in their ears about me.

I don't think I've explained all of this very eloquently at all, but has anyone else experienced anything similar? How have you/do you cope with this?

Thanks for taking the time to read!

[Klo]

Dang that is very similar to my mother. After I graduated from high school, she kept telling me that my career goal was wrong and said she would only help me with college if I agreed to a career that she picked out for me. I declined and just worked to save up my money to put myself through education. I also got a boyfriend. She was so infuriated and became extremely passive-aggressive. She was always angry at me if I spent an evening with my boyfriend, but when I was home, she would act like I didn't even exist. Then she told me to move out and go live with my boyfriend (we had only been dating a few months) because she wanted my bedroom for her own as a personal office, and because she didn't see any reason for me to be around anymore if I had a boyfriend. When I left, she turned around and told everyone that I left for no reason and that I was being mean to her, and later in life she shrieked at me that I had abandoned her when I dared to move out (while also denying that she told me to leave in the first place). She also broke federal law at least once to screw up my taxes in that overall time period.

I honestly have no idea how to cope with such malignant madness, but I can tell you that you're definitely not alone.

[SunshinePuzzle]

Hi heartsw3lls 

I'm sorry you are dealing with such childish behavior from your mom.  It's sad, and I know the kind of thing you're talking about - my mom also frequently can turn those around her on whomever she is mad at at the time.

You and your siblings are so young - Maybe you are more easily seeing these patterns than they are, because you are the oldest and used to being a mini-parent?

If you haven't read it already, I would check out the "Understanding the Borderline Mother" book. I found it VERY useful, not just for illuminating her manipulation tactics for what they are, but for helping me make sense of things that seem nonsensical (ie: why do those around the BPD mom sometimes fall for her lies, even when they have been used against each of us in the past?)

There are some concepts in the book that you may want to read up on, to help you understand and deal with her manipulations against you right now: "Forced Teaming" and "Campaign of Denigration" or ":)istortion Campaign."

I know how much it can hurt when a sibling believes the lies of a BPD mom about you. I have been on both sides of that - also foolishly believing her lies about my sister, my dad, my aunt, etc.  Now that I feel like I am finally making progress in understanding my mother and our childhood and family dynamics, there is a desire to see my siblings progress at the same pace. 

But our siblings have to make up their own mind and get there at their own pace.  The desire to want a mother, to be on mom's "good side" and to not think of her as a liar is very strong.  I would try to set an example for your siblings by your behavior - don't engage with her in toxic ways, no matter how much she attacks you - withdraw if you have to, to avoid conflict with her. Let her insults roll off your back.  And when you hear gossip from them, lies that she has told them about you, calmly set them straight, but don't let it drive you to anger or to confront her. You will never win with her (if your mom is like mine anyway) and it won't do any good.  There is a saying: it's no use wrestling a pig; you'll both get dirty and the pig likes it.

Let your siblings know you love them, and are there for them when they need you. Don't badmouth anyone to them, not even your mother. Send them cards on their birthday, check in with them to see how they are, cut them some slack if they get pulled in by her campaign of denigration and come after you about something - reply with kindness in those times. Try showing them the unconditional love you wish she could have shown all of you - - your actions will eventually speak louder than her words.