I have experienced self labelling and self diagnosing in the past, and then almost attempting to live the label as though they are mirroring that label. It is almost like self sabotaging to validate their own feelings of lack of worth, while at the same time laying down an excuse for any impulsive behaviors (I cant help it I have XYZ)
That makes a lot of sense and aligns with what I have seen. And it seems that the label is only pulled out when they want to do the impulsive behavior for whatever reason.
It is only when you look into it from the point of view of resources about "how to live with XYZ disorder' that the details don't seem to line up.
Some of that stuff lined up with the SA stuff but not enough. I had read a lot of stuff about SA but hadn't really read much about what to do about it as a spouse. I am reading that I should be super traumatized and that I should be insisting on STD testing and lie detector tests and all of this stuff. My husband can fib and deny stuff but he isn't a compulsive liar. In all honesty, my husband can be too honest. He shares things that he shouldn't.
If he does lie, he will likely tell on himself. He gets goofy when he is hiding something from me so I know that all I have to do is push him on it and push through the defensiveness and he will come clean.
I think that is where some of the confusion has come in. If I tell somebody that my husband is SA, then they assume that I am traumatized or that my husband is out banging everything in sight or that he is using every spare moment to do something inappropriate or that he is spending all of our money. If I am not doing anything about it, then I MUST be in denial and I MUST have a screw loose. My husband hasn't done any of that stuff. He is a big chicken. I already rule the roost for the most part.
The question of whether I would be willing to leave my wife solo in charge of any baby grandkids, that can't be too far off, is a question I don't have the answer for. I know I am not confident about it.
I am not leaving him with babies or toddlers that require a lot of supervision. I have my house set up so that my kids can pretty much get whatever they want or need for themselves. Really, all that is needed is an adult that is here in case of emergencies. The kids have multiple ways that they can get in touch with me when I am gone. My mother stops by from time to time. The kids give me a full report about what went on when I was gone. They have never reported that dad has done anything other than be a dad.
I was thinking about this. . .since he and I are both their parents, I don't see the logic of telling him that he can't hang out with his kids when I am not here unless he has done something that would lead me to believe that he could pose a danger to them. He has not done anything that would lead me to believe that he could be a danger to the kids. Yes, he occasionally gets angry. What parent doesn't?
He knows that if he gets too upset to go out on the porch or go to our room to cool down. I have been working on emotional intelligence and stuff like that since the kids were babies. I have a poster hanging in my hallway titled "Peaceful Conflict Resolution". I want him and the kids to see it as often as possible and be reminded of it. I have sent him podcasts and articles and all sorts of information over the years about parenting, especially gentle parenting. We don't spank. I don't approve of any yelling. At all. Period. So, any amount of yelling in my home is too much. I was so caught up in my own little gentle world that I didn't realize that complaining about him yelling would translate into "he has anger issues and shouldn't be left with kids." UGH!
