I go through an uncomfortable ordeal, but he's freaking out

[ColdEthyl]

Today I had an ultrasound and my dBPDh went with me for support. I was pretty anxious because it was a transvaginal ultrasound and it makes me uncomfortable. When they call me back, they said he had to stay in the waiting area. So, I went by myself and it was just me and a female tech back there. I'm crying a little just because of nerves. I really wanted my H there to hold me hand. To make it worse, my understanding of the procedure based on what I read was that I would be able to put the probe in myself, but that did not happen. The female tech just sort went for it, so I was even more uncomfortable and nervous.

I know it's irrational for me to me this nervous about a simple procedure, but I still am anyways. When it was done, my H could see on my face I was distressed. I start crying on the way back to the car, thanking him for coming and I was glad he was in the waiting room for me.

About an hour after the appointment, he starts texting me asking me if I had a good lunch, he should have given me a bigger hug and kiss before I went back there, he should have said something when she said he couldn't go back, and how much he's angry at himself. He went on to say that going out in public is always hard for him so unless it's really important for him to be there I shouldn't ask him. (to me, this is important. I am having right lower quadrant pain and I'm afraid to find out what it is)

I end up calling because I can tell based on how he's talking that he's wound up. And, he was. He was really beating himself up for not being able to be back there with me. He started drinking in the afternoon, and he hasn't done that in a few months now.

It's a bit of a backslide from our previous agreement. I'm not going to mention it today. He's really wound up.

*sighs* What sucks is I am the one who went through this thing, but he's the one who's crumbling. Darn you, BPD.

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[Cat Familiar]

Yep. It's always all about them. So sorry about your ultrasound. I've had one of those and it ain't no fun.    I hope your results are OK.

[vortex of confusion]

   

Those kind of ultrasounds stink!

Did they have a reason for not letting him go back with you?

[ColdEthyl]

@VoC She didn't say, just said he had to wait out there. There were 3 chairs in the room when I got back there, so I have no idea. I kind of froze when she said he couldn't go back instead of saying something. I bet if I would have said I felt more comfortable if he was there they would have let him. I wish I would have said something, but he's taking himself to the cleaners over it.

I'll know Friday what the results are.

@Cat ugh I know I just needed to vent >.<

[Cat Familiar]

Having gone through that procedure, it really irked me when some governors were mandating that women seeking abortions have one. It is such a miserable experience and when our health care costs are so out of control, it seemed like a completely punitive measure!

Regardless of what people think about abortion, no woman should have to go through this procedure unless it is medically necessary.

[maxsterling]

Wow, I know this feeling all too well.  No matter what I am having an issue with, my wife is having it worse.  Nearly the exact same thing happened to me last week.  I went in for an MRI of my brain, and W went with me.  She was mostly supportive during the event, but a day or two afterwards when I was worried about results, she made it about her.  In her mind, her worries about me are greater than my worries about myself.  So, I got no shoulder to cry on, no ear to listen to me, and zero validation through it all.  I've subconsciously learned to just keep stuff from her and find support and validation through family or friends. 

[Cat Familiar]

So Max, have you gotten the MRI results yet?

[maxsterling]

Not yet.  Referring Dr. is on vacation this week.  The office assured me, however, that if there was anything serious, I would be seen immediately.

[Cat Familiar]

That must be somewhat reassuring. So frustrating having to wait. At our local hospital, you can pick up your test results. Interpreting them is another matter, but I've certainly done that for myself and others, using my rusty emergency medicine background. Usually the accompanying radiologist's report gives enough of an overview that with a bit of Googling you can fill in much of the details.

[ColdEthyl]

I'm wishing you the best of luck with your results, Max. I will be going to my doc this Friday. I'm sorry to hear that you suffer this kind of thing, also. When I got home last night he was really beating himself up about not saying something.

If anyone has seen the movie "A Christmas Story", there's a part where the child Ralphie really wants a BB Gun for Christmas, and his mother said he would shoot his eye out. He wrote a paper in school about it, and his teacher said the same thing. He imagines his mom and teacher as villainous witches and jesters manically laughing and chanting "you will shoot your eye out! you will shoot your eye out!" ... .this is exactly how he was talking about the nurse last night. He was saying she was an uppity B... .it was probably HER policy and not the hospitals. He said if he was a man he would have stood up to her and told her exactly what he was going to do, and nothing that snotty B could have said about it!

Anytime he starts painting people black, I think of that scene, and the one before where Ralphie was imagining his paper was going to be so great, his teacher was going to gush and cry over it, and gave him A+++++ all across the board, and all the children were praising him. It's exactly what he does to people in his mind... .white or black.

Overall, the evening was fine though. Honestly, he really felt bad about not being back there for me, and I love him for that. The way he handles things is just the way he handles things.

[Stalwart]

Hey ColdEthyl:

Really sorry to hear about the stress of waiting for your results and hoping they will come back in your favour.

Your husband reacts in a similar way to my wife when there is something that may be somewhat seriously wrong with me. Not that it happens often.

I suppose it can be interpreted as being "all about them" but the fact is she's scared ___less about something serious being wrong and being left on her own. Not exactly everyone's idea of sympathy when someone does need it (being buried off in their minds prematurely) but looking at it from another perspective at least it shows your value to them and the need they do have for you in their lives.

A little warped, but at least it's twisted with value attached. :-)

[ColdEthyl]

Yes Stalwart I believe you are right. I got my results back yesterday and they didn't find anything. He believes either it's my appendix having intermittent issues (I didn't know they did that), or tubal ligation syndrome, which basically just means my ovaries are going to hurt around every cycle for no apparent reason.

When I got home after work yesterday, he was saying how incredibly relieved he was that there's nothing wrong with my female parts. He said it was very hard for him to go with me, and he was scared I might have cancer or something. (not likely, but I understand his though process) He was in pretty rough shape.

It's just hard sometimes to know that when I need to lean on my husband, it comes at a cost. He will be there for me as I ask, be completely perfect in public, but later on his fears and anxiety are going to take over.

[Ceruleanblue]

He went from beating himself up for "not standing up", to painting the nurse black, to saying you shouldn't ask him to go unless it's important. Classic BPD. He's mad at himself, then starts blaming everyone else. Boy, I've been there. Although, I must say with my BPDh, he wouldn't even go so far as to blame himself even initially. so you at least got that!

I hope your tests come back okay, and I'm sorry you had to have a test that wasn't much fun. I've never had that sort of ultrasound, but I imagine it must hurt. I had one done on my chest for my heart, and I was bruised for quite a while. It was awful.

It would be nice if we could just get a little empathy without it immediately becoming about them.

[Grey Kitty]

One other possibility... .which may not be your H at all... .but is other pwBPD... .

He HAS to be the one who is the center of attention. You had a medical issue that was important, and it was his job to support you when you were the center. He can't deal with that, so had to do *something* to make himself be the center of attention again.

[ColdEthyl]

One other possibility... .which may not be your H at all... .but is other pwBPD... .

He HAS to be the one who is the center of attention. You had a medical issue that was important, and it was his job to support you when you were the center. He can't deal with that, so had to do *something* to make himself be the center of attention again.

There's definitely something to that, because we have been going through all of his medical stuff, too. At one point, he did say something to the effect that my issues are not a bad as his, that he might be dying of cancer but yes... .he should go with me to my doctor's appointment. He said it during a dysregulation, so I didn't put much stock into it but in hindsight... .yes. I believe part of him felt like I was 'stealing the show' from him.

[ColdEthyl]

He went from beating himself up for "not standing up", to painting the nurse black, to saying you shouldn't ask him to go unless it's important. Classic BPD. He's mad at himself, then starts blaming everyone else. Boy, I've been there. Although, I must say with my BPDh, he wouldn't even go so far as to blame himself even initially. so you at least got that!

I hope your tests come back okay, and I'm sorry you had to have a test that wasn't much fun. I've never had that sort of ultrasound, but I imagine it must hurt. I had one done on my chest for my heart, and I was bruised for quite a while. It was awful.

It would be nice if we could just get a little empathy without it immediately becoming about them.

It's hard sometimes knowing he isn't emotionally capable of being there for me as much as I would like for him to be, particularly when it comes to empathy. But, you are right. He can now admit fault which a year ago he couldn't even think of it. He's working hard to improve our communication skills. I am lucky that he's self-aware and works on things. If he didn't, I'm not sure I'd still be here.