I came to a revalation today.

[Schermarhorn]

I didn't know about BPD, but I knew about red flags and what to avoid.

Before even her first explosion that was 2 weeks in, I knew she had serious issues. She even told me herself, she was broken. At the time I knew she was playing the damsel in distress game and I went along with it.

Then she started to turn on me and I was blocked for the first time. I told myself that is ridiculous and that was the final straw. If she never came back I wouldn't have cared.

But when she did come back, for some reason I went back. My brain and my instincts were telling me not to. I remember thinking to myself "people don't change, she is going to do the same thing, DO NOT GET ATTACHED". I followed that for a while, just responding to her texts. But after a while I seemed to have forgotten about it.

Summerstorm said something that really explained how I felt with her. A pit in my stomach expecting her to hurt me. It was like a ticking timebomb and I knew this.

I now understand that I am not missing her, or even the relationship. I am missing the thoughts she put into my head. She would say how many things we had in store for our future, that is what I miss. When she left, I felt that future left as well, but she could've never given that to me.

She actually means almost nothing to me, its the fantasy future that I am grieving. I made the final blow to the relationship, I told her to respect me or I would leave. Somehow she twisted it into her leaving me, but I was done with all of the abuse. She made me think I lost something I would have never gotten from her. And I'm pretty sure the other part of me missing "her" is simply because I'm not with her.

I am tricking myself into thinking I miss her, when she has nothing to do with it.

[Suzn]

She would say how many things we had in store for our future, that is what I miss. When she left, I felt that future left as well, but she could've never given that to me.

Can I ask what those things were?

I am tricking myself into thinking I miss her, when she has nothing to do with it.

Is it possible those "things" that were in store for the future are likely what you missed before she was in the picture? Is it possible that this is why you had "forgotten" not to get attached?

[fromheeltoheal]

Hey nonya-

I am missing the thoughts she put into my head.

She didn't put them in your head, you did.

She actually means almost nothing to me, its the fantasy future that I am grieving.

It may have been a fantasy with her, but you can build any kind of future you want, with someone more compatible.  So instead of grieving, how about using that energy to create that future?  What's the first thing you need to do?

[OopsIDidItAgain]

How long were you broken up for when you went back?

I ask because I'm battling myself right now to meet up with her like she requested. I do not want to get sucked back in.

I wish I could mentally put myself where you are right now.

[Schermarhorn]

How long were you broken up for when you went back?

I ask because I'm battling myself right now to meet up with her like she requested. I do not want to get sucked back in.

I wish I could mentally put myself where you are right now.

It was 2 weeks later.

When we met, it was because she wanted to catch up.

[Schermarhorn]

She would say how many things we had in store for our future, that is what I miss. When she left, I felt that future left as well, but she could've never given that to me.

Can I ask what those things were?

I am tricking myself into thinking I miss her, when she has nothing to do with it.

Is it possible those "things" that were in store for the future are likely what you missed before she was in the picture? Is it possible that this is why you had "forgotten" not to get attached?

Like a trip she wanted us to go on in Japan, a happy family, house, where we would live, how both of us would never be alone, etc. She was always planning something about our future. Even down to dates we were going to go on when she got back. I just kinda went with everything.

And yes, a lot of that I was already missing. It was just more suppressed and wasn't as painful as it is now.