We're the weirdos in both families

[OddOneOut]

Hi

BPDMom, NDad, GoldenChild NBrother.

Dad has passed away and I haven't gone near NBrother for maybe 4 years. He's dangerous.

I Reconnected with BPDMom after 3 years no contact. She now has a lovely NBoyfriend who is worse than my father. His style of abusing is a lot like my brother's with a splash of my father's for good measure. He's pretty much universally hated. I think my mom finds this an irresistible quality in men.

... .to date my father and brother at the same time! Ohhh how delightful!

It's like Mother's new NBoyfriend is her new GoldenChild. It's weird, but the pattern is there along with the same weird expectation on me to satisfy his ego needs at any expense to my wellbeing. It's like I'm a treat or a toy she presents to him for his amusement.

Mother used to use me in the same way to satisfy my NBrother's ego needs. He's younger, but my mother actively enabled him to physically and psychologically bully me, and I was expected to submit to it. My friends called him "the little prince" because there was a definite Prince vs. Peasant situation going on between us. She created a monster.

Anyway, I could get into all of the horrible, bizarre things my family did to me my whole life, but I'll focus on the things that are bothering me right now.

My main struggle is navigating through the twilight zone bizarro world I find myself in when I deal with them. We're dealing with the same type of thing from my husband's mom and recently from his sister and her husband. Setting the slightest boundary sends the pack of them into a vicious frenzy. My husband said he hadn't actually set boundaries with them before, because it was hard for him to see through the FOG and now he has someone who can confirm what he's seeing and support him in the aftermath. This does not please them.

We're the weirdos in both families. It's hard to stay sane... .

[DearBFF]

  OddOneOut!  Welcome!

So sorry to hear about your family and I hope you have some support beyond these boards, but at least we all can understand where one another is coming from (sometimes those without some BPD experience do not).  I'm sorry for your loss and the trouble you are having connecting with your brother and mother, I know it is especially hard when they find someone new.

Have you read Understanding the Borderline Mother: Helping Her Children Transcend the Intense, Unpredictable, and Volatile Relationship?

www.amzn.com/0765703319

I'm sure you've lived it, but it is super in depth and gives different descriptions of 4 types of borderline mothers you might recognize some of them in your mom.  It also discusses children and those sections might offer you something you can relate to, and may give you some insight into your brother.

I would guess that to your mother if she is BPD and it was partly caused by the environment she grew up in that the abuse she is suffering from boyfriend (and past relationships as you mentioned) feels very homey to her.  It's so sad to see someone we love accept this in their life knowing they deserve better.  At first I thought BFF's "boyfriend" was going to be good for her since the way he spoke to her was how you would speak to anyone, instead of tiptoeing around her as so many in her life do.  However, I realized that while what he says would work well with "normal" people for her it is actually invalidating.  For instance she complains about work, and he says something like "You do it to yourself!"  Or she gets mad and blows up and he lectures her "Why didn't you just tell me that upset you in the first place?" because he doesn't understand she is incapable of doing so without first learning the skills to do so.  At first I was like this is great, maybe what she needs, then as I read a book on validation (Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder and I realized how horribly invalidating his words are.  Sure he doesn't know that, and I don't think BFF understands the invalidation she received as a child contributing to her BPD and how that's exactly what "boyfriend" is doing now.  To her it probably just feels like home.  She already feels horrible for feeling how she does, then he's basically making her feel worse.  I don't think it will work out in the long run because of this, and unfortunately I don't think he would learn to be empathetic to the BPD and learn to validate instead.  I could be wrong, *cross my fingers* but I kind of doubt it.

I'm so glad you two found one another, it's so nice to have a hand to hold while you're on the wild ride.  I hope you can both figure out how to get off... .another good one if you haven't already, Stop Walking on Eggshells which is actually the first one I read.

Take care and I hope things get better! 

[OddOneOut]

Thanks DearBFF.

I've already read "Walking on Eggshells", great book! I will read the other resources you suggested! Especially the one about validation.

Well, knowing that she's choosing abusive partners because it's what feels natural to her makes me feel a little better about why she picks them.

It's still not great being thrown to him like a juicy steak to a lion. If she likes to be abused herself that's one thing, but she wants me to be abused too. She's very abusive and uses others in her life as instruments to abuse others with. It was one thing being abused my my dad and brother, but now to be abused by her boyfriend... .There's really no excuse for that.

It's also horrible watching her be abused by this guy. I don't tell her who to choose or what to allow in her relationship.

BUT, my husband and I have noticed that it doesn't feel right when abusers make us an audience while they abuse their partner. So the partner may love being humiliated and constantly criticized and yelled at in public, but we feel like we're being made into participants by being made an audience to it.

We stopped hanging out with one of my husband's childhood friends because he brutally humiliates his wife and his brother non stop whenever we see them. It's like a performance and we participate by being the audience. It's none of our business... .until we're sitting there being the people he humiliates them in front of.

We're still working on establishing a boundary around what we'll be audience to and what kinds of behaviours we want in our space - even if the behaviours are directed at someone else.

[DearBFF]

OddOneOut, you are very welcome!

I own both Walking & Loving (validation) and they are currently my go to info sources, besides google.  

That sounds very frustrating and honestly I had never thought of it the way you put it, being an audience to the abuse.  This is very true!  It sounds good what you are saying that you two are working on boundaries for these types of situations.  

I did an exercise recently where I wrote down my values, how I want to treat others and how I want to be treated.  I realized by doing this that there were some things I was doing that I myself didn't agree with and I searched for why I did them.  It occurred to me they were being driven by some unchecked anger and resentment.  I dealt with it and now I can use my list as a guidepost for where I'm at and if I go against my values then I can work on repairing the transgression.  This also helps me because when someone else doesn't meet my values then I can decide what my boundary will be around that.  This helps me keep it a little more cut and dry so that I do not end up angry at myself later over something I allowed (although it still does happen on occasion and in that case I just make sure I have a better plan next time).

If you value the relationship with the person who is the victim in these situations, but would like to distance yourself from witnessing the abuse and the abuser themselves perhaps you could work with that.  For instance reach out them and let them know you are there for them, but because you are uncomfortable with the way their husband speaks to them for instance you would prefer to hang out with them without him.  This way perhaps you can take her out to coffee sometime, and be a shoulder to lean on but avoid witnessing or being caught in the middle of the abuse.  Same for your mother, let her know you are there for her but are uninterested in spending time with boyfriend.  If this upsets her to the point she wants to stop contact, you can let her know that is your decision just as it is yours to let her know what you are and are not comfortable with.  You could let her know you'll be there for her if she should change her mind and want to reach out to you.

It is a very unfair position you are being put in, especially with your mother and I commend you for hanging in there, but her expecting you to take the abuse is not ok.  I hope this situation gets better for you and I am glad that you have your husband for support as it would be very difficult without someone close to you who understands.

Take care of yourself and each other