The compulsive lying.

[Schermarhorn]

Yesterday my ex graced me with her presence again to "Have an honest conversation with no judgements". I figured what the hell?

I have caught her in at least 3 major lies, and the rest I'm sure are lies as well.

Its like she is physically incapable of telling the truth. Even when I told her that all I cared about was the truth.

Besides that everything went fine, she wanted to meet soon, I didn't object to the idea. She admitted to some of the mistakes she made, while she lied about others.

We both ended up apologizing and as far as we know we are on good terms. Or at least for now.

I'm pretty sure she is going for a recycle, she told me she just wanted to be friends... .but she said that the last time. Just seeing her lie over and over just shows how any relationship is impossible with this person.

Is there any way I could get the truth from her about certain things?

[Yolanda123]

I don't think pwBPD understand the concept of honesty, much less so the importance of honesty in a Relationship. Maybe they are too desperate to maintain the version of themselves they want you to see, the personae that they think they are supposed to be for you to love them.

I once confronted my exBPDbf about something I was sure he was lying about. I started by telling him, very calmly and looking him in the eyes; S, I'm gonna ask you one question, and please know that you telling the truth is more important than whatever answer you give me. I will accept the answer no matter what, even if it hurts, as long as you're being honest with me. 

He looked me right in the eyes and with tears in his eyes, he swore he was telling the truth, and he lied again. He sure is a professional liar. Oscar-winning type. He was actually able to cry on command.

I'm not sure if they believe their own lies. Or if they are just desperate to hide the dark sides of themselves they feel shame about. Or if it's just second nature and normal to them - after all their entire life is based on lies, projecting someone they are not, telling you whatever they believe you need to hear to keep you around, or to make themselves feel better.

[jhkbuzz]

My ex was on the dissociative spectrum: she had a little girl part of self, a teenage part of self (that was borderline), and adult self, and probably a few others. I was unaware of this for the first 7 years of our 8 year r/s. She also chronically lied for the last several years of our r/s; perhaps longer. I'm really not sure.

I believe her lying was the result of her inner turmoil. Her parts of self wanted different things, and took the "lead" at different times. Her teenage part of self wanted to be able to sleep with other people. Her little girl part of self was afraid to live her life without me (because I represented safety and stability) - so she clung. Her adult self wanted a healthy, successful long-term r/s. These three parts of self had vastly different needs, desires and goals - and her behavior was guided by whoever was in the lead. Utterly confusing for me - and for her as well. I've come to understand that her lying wasn't necessarily premeditated... .I think she was aware of it, but I think she was also responding to her own, wildly conflicting desires and impulses that she could never quite make sense of herself. Her chaotic behavior was just the manifestation of her chaotic inner landscape.

I've stopped trying to understand it - I simply know it exists and it's very, very different from how I move through the world. I'm about a year post b/u with very limited contact, and I feel sorry for her more than anything else now.

[jhkbuzz]

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[rotiroti]

For someone with extremely strong emotions, their current emotional state might feel like the absolute truth to them. To them they're telling their truth

and adding to jhkbuzz's post - mine had some dissociative traits, making it even more difficult to peel the truth away from everything

[GreenGrover]

As Yolanda123 wrote, I also took the position of saying, "I'd rather hear a truth that hurts a little now than a lie that will hurt a lot worse later."  I desperately tried to tell my exbffBPD that she should just tell the truth, but it's like lying is all she knows. 

I think a lot of her lies were about preserving her image.  She didn't want people to think she was a bad person, so she made up lies to cover up what she perceived were bad traits.  However, most of the time, the truth would have been much simpler and less hurtful. 

[greenmonkey]

my ex was a pathological liar - she had no concept of reality - she not only lied to me from the very start of our relationship - with what her ex looked like - up to the day I got rid of her.

Over time I uncovered lie after lie, all I asked for openness, honesty and transparency as a basis of a relationship. She was unable to do any of that.

Not only did she lie to me, she lied to her son and encouraged him to lie to me about various different things which I already the real facts. She also lied to government departments about her earnings and circumstances in which she was made homeless in order to get priority housing.

She may have had her motives and reasons for being a pathological liar, but I believe in her mind the truth and lies were so enmeshed and she told so many stories to so many people she had no idea when one started and the other ended.

Unfortunately the Government departments that have lied to have her under investigation as do a number of government bodies - given her fantasy world and pathological lying I would not want to be in her shoes.

It is a very sad way to live, but all lies get found out in the end it is just a matter of who and how long before you have to start the cycle with someone totally new who believes every word you say

[gameover]

Being lied to sucks.  But if you know the truth, why do you need to hear it from her? Validation?  Most people will lie to avoid consequence/judgement, even nons.

Ultimately it's up to you to choose your own reality--if you're secure with yourself and your reality, then you won't need to hear it from her.  

What would I do? Next time you catch her in a lie say:  "If we can't be honest with each other, I don't see any potential for us to continue this friends/relationship/whatever."  And walk.  Ignore any attempt at re-engagement until she come to you with the truth and an apology.  Anything less is unacceptable.

And when you get the truth, don't judge her.  Say:  "I appreciate your honesty.  I know it's hard when you feel like you're going to be judged."  If the truth is incompatible with your values, let her know that and establish boundaries for any future interaction or lack thereof.

P.S.  If she fesses up, NEVER bring it up again.  Don't punish her for a positive result--but don't necessarily forget it either.

[crawler]

My ex was always pushing it in my face how she is the most honest person in the world and how she never lies. The whole package. A few times during the relationship I caught her lying, but sadly never confronted her because I was convinced that I'm the one cause all the problems so I shouldn't have the privilege to confront her. (yeah, she manipulated me a whole lot)

The funniest and most frustrating was when through some joking or random talking I'd accuse her of lying or I would hint that she was not fully honest, she would absolutely explode on me. She would start screaming how she's honest, how I'm accusing her of the most horrible thing ever (lying) and that she would just act so hurt by the fact that I would even think it's possible for her to lie.  All the while I was called a liar and a cheat for the majority of the relationship.

Funny thing how in the end when we broke up I found out that she lied about a lot of things.

[Pretty Woman]

I don't know what was a lie and what was the truth.  As time passes I've actually been able to figure out more lies, and learn more from exes she was friends with.

The lying part is what really gets me. I'm a pretty honest person and knowing how much I was lied to makes me feel less compassionate towards those with this disorder. Lying just isn't acceptable to me.

[Yolanda123]

Posted by: Pretty Woman 

I don't know what was a lie and what was the truth.  As time passes I've actually been able to figure out more lies, and learn more from exes she was friends with.

The lying part is what really gets me. I'm a pretty honest person and knowing how much I was lied to makes me feel less compassionate towards those with this disorder. Lying just isn't acceptable to me.

Same here Pretty Woman. To me, lying is the ultimate form of disrespect. To realize that I've been honest and true while my exPartner was lying basically during the whole Relationship (I discovered lies post b/u that started from day one of the r/s) is very hard to accept. I am able to feel compassion towards my ex when I think about the pain he must be enduring due to the disorder, but when I think about the lies and deception, compassion goes out the window 

[GreenGrover]

I don't know what was a lie and what was the truth.  As time passes I've actually been able to figure out more lies, and learn more from exes she was friends with.

The lying part is what really gets me. I'm a pretty honest person and knowing how much I was lied to makes me feel less compassionate towards those with this disorder. Lying just isn't acceptable to me.

I totally agree.  My exbffBPD lied so many times.  Lying was honestly the worst thing for me.  We were just friends, so I didn't endure a lot of what you and others have endured, but out of all the things she did, lying was the worst.