Learning to not constantly overthink past relationship

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

So I am new to this site don't really know how it works or how I should be using it but I am several months out of a relationship with someone who certainly has at least some BPD traits and am looking to take steps to stop overthinking and constantly analysing this relationship and not let the confusion and pain affect each day.

As I sure many can relate to my story is very complex, intense and hard to summarise but I'll try sorry for the long post.

I started dating a colleague and good friend last summer. We had been becoming good friends and meeting up since the start of last year but she was living with her bf so this started out simply as friends, we became closer I heard that they broke up and admitted to her I was interested in more, are messing me about for a momth we eventually started dating (she still lived with the ex but they had split up).

She was incredibly down, emotionally volatile and unstable for the 6 months we were together, citing work pressures and the ex as reasons, our relationship (a term she never felt comfortable with) felt almost entirely over the phone we were in 24/7 contact but although we worked together we did not actuslly spend much time together.

At the time it felt like it was great when we were together but when apart it would very quickly become controlling, manipulative, emotionally abusive or be a cycle of her breaking up with me and then begging me back. As well as often saying lovely things She would say incredibly hurtful things to me but either suggest they were jokes or that at least she was being honest. She would also talk of suicidal feelings whenever we broke up, regardless of who did the breaking up. This was a key point as I felt immediately responsible for looking after her because she refused to open up to family friends or someone professional and I have had a family member with similar traits commit suicide at her age is this behaviour terrified me.

Long story short she broke up with me at the end of last year, we last slept together in January and on a weekend away in March ( a story for another post) she admitted she was now dating another colleague who she cheated on me with and was in love with him but also blamed me for almost everything and that I had hurt her more than anyone had (by confiding her suicidal thoughts, which I was now being blamed for, to a mutual friend)

This was the final straw for me, I gave up trying to be the best friends she desperately wanted to be, broke contact in April, left the job in May and largely have made good progress all things considered.

However, this week I found out she is engaged to this guy. I still think about her almost constantly. I definitely don't want her back but I feel incredibly hurt and incredibly insecure from everything that happened and am constantly confused about my feelings for her. I simultaneously really care for her and think "deep down" she is a remarkable person, feel desperately sorry for her for the emotional issues she clearly has and hate her for the way she treated me and the complete loss of self image and loss of self esteem that I'm battling as a result.

I'm looking to have an open forum to discuss this but also look for advice as to how to learn to not obssess about what happened and start to move on knowing I tried to be a good bf and friend and move on to other things and other people.

[Runnerboy25]

So I am new to this site don't really know how it works or how I should be using it but I am several months out of a relationship with someone who certainly has at least some BPD traits and am looking to take steps to stop overthinking and constantly analysing this relationship and not let the confusion and pain affect each day.

As I sure many can relate to my story is very complex, intense and hard to summarise but I'll try sorry for the long post.

I started dating a colleague and good friend last summer. We had been becoming good friends and meeting up since the start of last year but she was living with her bf so this started out simply as friends, we became closer I heard that they broke up and admitted to her I was interested in more, are messing me about for a momth we eventually started dating (she still lived with the ex but they had split up).

She was incredibly down, emotionally volatile and unstable for the 6 months we were together, citing work pressures and the ex as reasons, our relationship (a term she never felt comfortable with) felt almost entirely over the phone we were in 24/7 contact but although we worked together we did not actuslly spend much time together.

At the time it felt like it was great when we were together but when apart it would very quickly become controlling, manipulative, emotionally abusive or be a cycle of her breaking up with me and then begging me back. As well as often saying lovely things She would say incredibly hurtful things to me but either suggest they were jokes or that at least she was being honest. She would also talk of suicidal feelings whenever we broke up, regardless of who did the breaking up. This was a key point as I felt immediately responsible for looking after her because she refused to open up to family friends or someone professional and I have had a family member with similar traits commit suicide at her age is this behaviour terrified me.

Long story short she broke up with me at the end of last year, we last slept together in January and on a weekend away in March ( a story for another post) she admitted she was now dating another colleague who she cheated on me with and was in love with him but also blamed me for almost everything and that I had hurt her more than anyone had (by confiding her suicidal thoughts, which I was now being blamed for, to a mutual friend)

This was the final straw for me, I gave up trying to be the best friends she desperately wanted to be, broke contact in April, left the job in May and largely have made good progress all things considered.

However, this week I found out she is engaged to this guy. I still think about her almost constantly. I definitely don't want her back but I feel incredibly hurt and incredibly insecure from everything that happened and am constantly confused about my feelings for her. I simultaneously really care for her and think "deep down" she is a remarkable person, feel desperately sorry for her for the emotional issues she clearly has and hate her for the way she treated me and the complete loss of self image and loss of self esteem that I'm battling as a result.

I'm looking to have an open forum to discuss this but also look for advice as to how to learn to not obssess about what happened and start to move on knowing I tried to be a good bf and friend and move on to other things and other people.

[Loosestrife]

I've started reading a book someone on the forum recommended called getting past your break up and it's helped a bit