Bpd ex wants to move back in

[CharWood]

I'm SUPER confused!

I was warned this might happen... .should have seen it coming but I didn't. My ex took me to lunch today and picked me up from work. She and I went out of town last weekend together and slept in the same bed, nothing happened beyond her holding my hand briefly a few times, sneaking a peak at me when I was coming out of the shower, and holding my arm as we walk. I told her basically that if she continues on with the replacement, I will ghost her: block her number and disappear from her life... we had an ok weekend but a few arguments. She was jealous and I was jealous. She tried hard to behave as if she has no feelings for me and at times, I'm convinced. But, I see the way she looks at me, the fear in her eyes when I tell her if she doesn't get therapy, I'm out of her life... .I see how angry she gets and fiery and jealous... she even smiles when she provokes jealousy in me... .it's like this is all a game to her. And today she asked if she could move home. I was quiet and she added as roommates. I said I don't think so. Then she said "wait, I'm going to go to therapy. And I told her she has 3 weeks to work on hersekf before she comes back or else no dice... and she has to sustain the therapy after returning. She agreed.

I suspect that she still seeks attention from others on social media, though I don't know if it is out if boredom or just triggered BPD behavior. But the replacement attempt she texted last night and basically told to take a hike. She showed me the texts. She was harsh. Basically came clean and said it was all just out of boredom and someone to talk to. Said sorry for leading you on and take care. She told me I was right and asked that I don't bring it up anymore. She is still very push pull, but much more pull. She hasn't come out and said that she still has feelings for me and loves me... even still makes comments to the contrary but is very jealous over me and wears my favorite workout shirt almost everytime I see her on her days off. She is very concerned over my friendship with one woman and gets heated over it.

She has recently started dressing in a way/style that She knows I find attractive and changed her hair yesterday back to her natural black color, like it was when we first met. She texted me pics of herself tonight asking what I think of how she looks... .and told me that she bought us tickets to go see my favorite comedian and would like us to have an overnight trip getaway in 2 months to do that. I feel a recycle is eminent... .she may not even realize what she is doing.

I'm confused. On one hand, I don't want her back. On the other, I made a vow to this woman and I still care for her deeply, even if she may not be able to love me in the way I am able to love her. I really do not want to get sucked back in without her making the effort to get therapy. I hope she is not trying to charm me and manipulate me so she can come back without having to do therapy... .she is following a pattern similar to our last break up, it is just taking longer for the reconciliation attempt on her part (asking if we can go on an official date to "see how it goes" and for her to come out and say I still love you and want us back together... I'm not sure if that is coming...

What are some good techniques to use for communication and boundary setting? Any insight or suggestions? Would love to hear from others who have gone through recycles or reconciliations.

[Ceruleanblue]

Well, it's hard for me to address the boundary thing as I'm still new at it myself.

I can say that BPDh and I recycled once. He left me, after he painted me black, ran back to his grown daughters who hate me(PD's run in their family), told a bunch of lies about me, but got upset when I filed when he refused to come home or work on things. Why wouldn't I have filed? I was sick of begging him to want to stay married. He'd abused me, and he'd left me, but I'm the bad guy?

We reconciled I think because he dominatrix he hooked up with dumped him after a couple dates(sex). I think I was balm to his wounded ego, and I'd hurt his ego by filing. He's still mad that I did. Plus, I told him I accepted him just as is, but he required a lot of things from me. I've tried to uphold my end of that deal, but he's back to divorce threats recently, and I think he's meaning it again. I can't seem to talk him out of it, and I'm getting sick trying. It just breaks my heart.

What do you think you might need to enact a boundary around? Boundaries are essential, but boy, do pwBPD hate them.

[OnceConfused]

first, forget about the vow, because that is the excuse for something else deeper.  I don't buy that excuse from you.

Is that your attachment? your co dependency ? Those are the issues you have to asked yourself or more.

How do you know she is sincere about therapy or is she using therapy as a front cover to come back to you?

It sounds like this is a second breakup. So what pattern do you see?

Has she changed from the 1st breakup? what were promised in getting together after the 1st one? Are they being kept?

Has you changed from the 1st breakup as well? in which way? for the better or worse?

[Lucky Jim]

Hey CharWood, What makes you think she is going to change after undergoing a brief period of therapy?  Why do you think it will go differently this time?  You say that you don't want her back, but I don't buy it.  If you decide to recycle, it's OK.  Many of us, including me, have done it.

LuckyJim

[Mutt]

Hi CharWood,

I understand how this would be confusing.

She showed me the texts. She was harsh. Basically came clean and said it was all just out of boredom and someone to talk to. Said sorry for leading you on and take care. She told me I was right and asked that I don't bring it up anymore.

When you say vows do you mean wedding vows? You have three people in the picture and often a pwBPD will cast themselves in the role of victim, sometimes rescuer and persecutor along a drama triangle and we're cast or shift in the roles of persecutor, rescuer and sometimes victim too.



Do you see in the diagram how she's harsh towards the replacement and your cast in the role of rescuer? BPD is a persecution complex and some experts say it's a disorder of shame, she doesn't want you to bring it up anymore because it will trigger shame.

Do you want to learn the tools on the staying board?

[CharWood]

Thanks guys for commenting back. I think I need to face the truth. Yes, it's a second break up. And yes to the marriage part. Things went well for a year and a half after and then she had a bad episode. In some ways she worse the first time but in most ways, she is behaving much worse this second time. I've heard it gets worse every recycle. I guess I'm not surprised. I an aware of the codependency issue. I go to therapy myself. So I'm getting help and insight with this.  As for me being done... .my mind says yes but a part of my heart says no. I have a soft spot for her. I also don't want to see her make a mess of her life. After everything she has said and done, I have lost feelings for her and respect. But I miss the lucid version of her who I spent most or the last few years with. It's all confusing and hurtful. Deep down I kind of knew it would happen again though.

Maybe I do need to go to the staying board but a part of me is screaming at myself to stay on the leaving board.

I guess I don't understand the victim persecutor rescuer dynamic. I don't understand how I became the rescuer again. It actually feels like she always expects me to be the rescuer. But I guess, she is willing to make anyone the persecutor and switch me to the rescuer if she feels threatened like she will lose me.

I guess there is a pattern. I notice that she is sending me pictures of herself again. And not necessarily being flirtatious but doing things she thinks will gain my approval. I can see her getting more and more interested in getting me back the closer it gets to her deadline to come home.  Part of me wonders if she will just try to live at home as a roommate, which I won't do. But part of me suspects she will try to get me back as a romantic partner. I realize a little therapy won't help her.,.it has to be sustained and because she accepts help and accountability. I just wish there was a cure to all this... It's hard to fathom that she is this robot child who can fake it through life and It's hard to wrap my brain around.

I don't know. It's so hurtful and painful and confusing. I just don't know what to expect from her. It almost feels like she is punishing me, that this is all revenge and manipulation because I upset her and she wants to try and make me more submissive to her and her bad behavior when she comes back. I have been very adamant about boundaries over the past year and few months before we broke up and things appeared to be ok but I have no idea I guess what actually went through her mind.

[Mutt]

Hi CharWood,

Maybe I do need to go to the staying board but a part of me is screaming at myself to stay on the leaving board.

Do you feel like that part of you that is screaming is your intuition? Our intuition supports and guides us. I suggest spending time quietly and listen to what our intuition is telling us. Trust your instincts.

[Lucky Jim]

It's all confusing and hurtful. Deep down I kind of knew it would happen again though.

Agree w/Mutt: Listen to your gut feelings.  I didn't, and it lead to a lot of trouble and pain.  LJ