Some updates since my last visit re uBPD DIL.

[Elizabeth22]

Elizabeth

Thank you so much for your kind words.  We are delighted that you are getting some support from CPS and bio Mom, and, of course, we are always here for you.  No one can do this alone.

I know you feel caught in the middle of this battle, but the most important issue is the safety and wellbeing of the children.  Everything else will fall into place eventually, and I pray your son overcomes his fear of uBPDDIL and realizes he does not have to live this way.

You too are showing strength and compassion, and your family is very lucky to have you. All we can do is focus on a positive outcome, one day at a time.  Is it easy... .no, but it has to be done.

Please take care of yourself through all of this and keep us posted. xxoo

Thank you, update posted   Hope you are well.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Elizabeth22]

Somehow uBPD DIL got her criminal hearing fast tracked and it happened Thursday. Bio mom was not notified, CPS knows nothing. the police dont seem to know - since bio mom found out Fri afternoon when she picked up GS8 from my son and DIL was THERE with GS all day. Bio mom had no idea when sh dropped off GS Fri morning.

All agencies are advising ex parte (emergency) order for full/sole custody of GS8 to bio mom for Mon morning.

I am the most qualified person of any of us to draft it, I've done them before. I hate being in this position against my son. He didnt tell anyone his wife is back in the house. He did not give bio mom or GS a choice or even a warning re GS spendling all day Fri with his abuser.

When bio mom went to pick up GS8, uBPD DIL made her presence known by walking toward bio mom, stopping a few feet from her and giving her a dirty look and walking away. NO REMORSE at all.

I feel sick. I am sick. I am tired. I do not want to do this against my son, but there doesnt seem to be a choice.

Talked to GS8 Friday, he told me of more (prior) neglect by son and uBPD DIL, but he loves them both and doesnt want to be taken away from them. He was very agitated and aggressive for hours after being with her.

I am so distraught for everone involved. I have the emergency order drafted. I feel like such a traitor.  This may ruin my relationship with my son forevevr. But its what everyone says needs to be done. I did not want to do it but was asked by bio mom. Its not her fault my son put her and GS8 in this position on Friday.

This is HARD. Because I had to do the same exact thing to bio mom 5 years ago for my son and  grandson. Allegations of abuse from witnesses (her friends). GS, then 3, had inappropriate sexual knowledge for his age. Awful. This is a mess.

I do not want to do this, but it needs to be done ASAP, its the only way to protect GS8 from uBPD DIL until we can figure out what happened Thurs and if there is still a no contact order or not.

I have never been so torn in my life. I have been thinking of nothing but this since Friday when I found out. I have talked it over and over with my husband and he thinks its the right thing. Something just feels very wrong to me about me doing this. My husband offered to  do it, but I already got it done, no need for him to draft a brand new pleading. He offered to take responsibility for it. I refuse to lie about it. If I do it, I am taking responsibility for it because the only thing I can think of that is worse than betraying my son is doing and then lying about it.

In order to  protect my grandson, I have to betray my son. It feels terrible. I have such a bad feeling about it, really very bad, and cant figure out why.  I mean, if its the right thing, why does it feel so bad?

I feel like I am on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I am not saying that to worry anyone, my husband works from home and is here in the house 24/7. I am safe and I am ok.

[MammaMia]

Elizabeth

Wow!  You have every right to be tired and overwhelmed.  What a week.

I personally do not think you should contact your son.  Let the legal system do its job.  I am so happy that someone is finally listening, and, yes, it may be due to your involvement. Difficult but necessary, and you have done the right thing out of love.

As far as the school psychologist and bio mom goes, I would not take anything either of them says too seriously.  It has been many years, and frankly, they have totally different perspectives on how things went.  That is not unusual and it does not matter.  What matters is the present.

Hang in there.  God bless CPS and you.  Stay strong.

[lbjnltx]

I'm so sorry you are in this position at all Elizabeth. 

Maybe it would help if you could get another added layer of perspective in regards to going against/betraying your son.

I see here that you are protecting your son from possible charges of  neglect and abuse.  If GS is not removed from an abusive environment and something else happened your son could face charges as well.

I hope this helps ease your pain a bit.

lbjnltx

[Elizabeth22]

Hi  lbjnltx    MammaMia   Thank you both for the love   and it did ease my pain a bit. So generous of you.

My son lost custody today. Bio mom has complete phyiscal and decision making custody, visitation at her discretion. There's another hearing next month.

The prosecution realizes they handled the criminal case wrong and are  trying to correct it. My ex parte order is helping them do that.

CPS worker doesnt seem to have a clue. He has a "verbal safety plan" in place with Son and uBPD DIL, which pretty much says she is to stay out of everything regarding GS8, but CPS does not have a reason to believe she cannot live with GS8, there has to be another incident of violence.

I told him that agreement would not  be adhered to, that she already made 3rd party contact with GS8 via Son, in violation of her bail conditions, but the police could not verify.

And the uBPD DIL and my son prove me right, today. When bio mom filed the ex parte, she had to notify Son by phone to let him know she was doing it, standard protocol. uBPD DIL started calling bio mom and bio mom finally answere and DIL asked bio mom to not do this. Then uBPD DIL shows up IN THE COURT CLERK'S OFFICE while bio mom was just finding out the ex parte was granted and approached bio mom and tried to talk to her , again asking her not to do this, and said my son sent her to "fix it".

I dont even know what to think about that. They just agreed with CPS that she will not be invovled. And then this happened. Well, she's given us plenty of ammunition now, they both have.

I just want to tell my son I love him and I didnt do this becausee I hate him or anything like that. But today proved to me that ... .I don't know. What part of BPD behavior is that? Targeting her victim again? Thinking there are not consequences? She seems hyperfocuesed on this child. She could have said no to my son, if he really asked her. My son should have gone to court if he wanted to talk to bio mom. I am so confused.

Its very much a domestic violenc dynamic with my GS8 and uBPD DIL, I think. She is not going to give her what she perceives to be her control of him.

She did this under the guise of wanting to show bio mom here court paperwork from when her bail conditions were dropped. But she could have done that Friday when bio mom was there or over the weekend. I don't understand her real angle here.

[MammaMia]

Elizabeth

This is the part of BPD that is all about uBPD DIL. Because the disorder focuses on self above everyone and everything else, your uBPD DIL is hoping to talk bio mom into letting her have what she perceives as a "win". Getting her way.

Another aspect of BPD that is at play here, is that uBPD DIL will blame everyone but herself for the situation she now finds herself in.  Nothing is ever the fault of pwBPD.  They are ALWAYS the victim.

UBPD DIL will make promises that she may not intend to keep or is incapable of keeping, and other forms of manipulation, including intimidation and guilt. It may be wise for bio mom to consider a restraining order against her.

Your son and uBPD DIL have had many opportunities to change their behavior.  It has not happened. I have no idea why CPS would say it is ok for gs8 to live with his stepmother, which makes no sense.  It seems very irresponsible, given the fact this case is based on child abuse.

I am sorry this is so confusing and painful for you. That, too, is typical BPD behavior.

[madmom]

I have been following this post since the beginning.  I am so sorry that you had to make the choices you did.  Your grandson is the better for it, but I am sure your heart is breaking for your son.  Maybe, with time, your son can find a way to get the help he needs to be a better parent to both of his children.  In the meantime, know that I am thinking about you and wishing you better days ahead.  Please take care of yourself during this difficult time.  You are doing the best you can with the situation you have been given.

[Elizabeth22]

Thank you MammaMia and madmon   

I am just so stunned, I dont know where to go with this. I could not make up this stuff.

Ny husband had to go to the pharmacy today to pick up a few prescriptions. There was a bit of a wait so he sat down in one of the chairs.

Unbeknownst to him, he sat down next to uBPD DIL. He did not really look or recognize her.

She leaned into him and said in sad, self pitying voice "Its ok, you can sit next to me, I won't BITE you" (she was arrested for biting gs8). My husband became so enraged he just got up and said no and went over to the other side of the store. He realized he did not recognize her because she has changed her appearance and dyed her hair - and again, he wasn't looking at the people around  him. He came home very shaken and said she was just very creepy and disturbing.

I just cannot... .WTH? Is this a game? Is this funny? I do not get it.

She was still trying to contact bio mom via text yesterday. Not sure if we have enough for a restraining order yet for bio mom.

Is this person just going to screw with us every chance she gets? Neither my husband nor myself have said a word to her since about a few weeks before her arrest  IIRC.

What facet of BPD is this? Thank you.

[understandnow]

Elizabeth 22, I have been following you and have to say, I can relate to your relationship with your son.  I am going through the same thing with my uBPDdil and my son who I know will think of my actions with backing bio mom's emergency exparte as a betrayal.  Your story is sad but I am living it almost word for word.  My son is not talking to me at the moment because I am protecting my granddaughter against my Dil. My son also has asked to come home and retracted many times.  He has 3 other children with her. 

Please know you have my utmost support.  It feels like a betrayal to them.  I'm also heartbroken in having to make that terrible decision.