The moment you should have left

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

There were several moments, but one small thing I'll always remember happened after we moved in together. I got back from the store with the groceries she had told me to get for her.  When she took out the antacids, she threw them at me and went on a rant about how I had no respect for her because I got fruit flavored instead of the "normal" mint flavor.  When I offered to go back and get the mint flavor, she insisted that it was "too late" and that I had "already screwed everything up."

Groceries seemed to be a thing. She was going to start a new job, and asked me to get some food that she wanted. I had fun going out and getting food, though the grocery app made a couple of things confusing. When I got back, I said that I had to guess on a couple of things, if any of them weren't what she wanted that I could just run to the store 10 minutes up the road. She stewed in silence for a bit, then exploded at me because I got her flavored water instead of fizzy water, and clearly that showed that I don't care. Never mind I was providing her a place to live and buying the food myself, I was clearly selfish and uncaring. Oh, and later when I asked her why she blew up instead of just taking me up on my offer to go back by the store, she said that she didn't believe I would, that it was just a fake offer.

It should have been a nice sweet evening, where I got her some comforting things and braced her for starting a new job. Instead it became just another of the 'why would I put up with that' days.

There were several moments, but one small thing I'll always remember happened after we moved in together. I got back from the store with the groceries she had told me to get for her.  When she took out the antacids, she threw them at me and went on a rant about how I had no respect for her because I got fruit flavored instead of the "normal" mint flavor.  When I offered to go back and get the mint flavor, she insisted that it was "too late" and that I had "already screwed everything up."

Isn't it ridiculous? I wish I could be making it up and I can't help but laugh when thinking about this. I have never been so traumatized purchasing the wrong type of lentils.

[rotiroti]

There were several moments, but one small thing I'll always remember happened after we moved in together. I got back from the store with the groceries she had told me to get for her.  When she took out the antacids, she threw them at me and went on a rant about how I had no respect for her because I got fruit flavored instead of the "normal" mint flavor.  When I offered to go back and get the mint flavor, she insisted that it was "too late" and that I had "already screwed everything up."

Groceries seemed to be a thing. She was going to start a new job, and asked me to get some food that she wanted. I had fun going out and getting food, though the grocery app made a couple of things confusing. When I got back, I said that I had to guess on a couple of things, if any of them weren't what she wanted that I could just run to the store 10 minutes up the road. She stewed in silence for a bit, then exploded at me because I got her flavored water instead of fizzy water, and clearly that showed that I don't care. Never mind I was providing her a place to live and buying the food myself, I was clearly selfish and uncaring. Oh, and later when I asked her why she blew up instead of just taking me up on my offer to go back by the store, she said that she didn't believe I would, that it was just a fake offer.

It should have been a nice sweet evening, where I got her some comforting things and braced her for starting a new job. Instead it became just another of the 'why would I put up with that' days.

There were several moments, but one small thing I'll always remember happened after we moved in together. I got back from the store with the groceries she had told me to get for her.  When she took out the antacids, she threw them at me and went on a rant about how I had no respect for her because I got fruit flavored instead of the "normal" mint flavor.  When I offered to go back and get the mint flavor, she insisted that it was "too late" and that I had "already screwed everything up."

Isn't it ridiculous? I wish I could be making it up and I can't help but laugh when thinking about this. I have never been so traumatized purchasing the wrong type of lentils.

[Jack2727]

LOL

I should have left the first night when she didn't want to cuddle and wound up sleeping on the couch. If I could do it all over again I would have got the hell outta there.

Many other instances over the 6 1/2 month learning experience.

[HappyNihilist]

Oh, there are so many. When he told me, on our second date, that his exes said he had a Jekyll and Hyde personality, that there was always a honeymoon period and then things went to hell, that he had a five-year shelf life, that the number-one complaint of his exes had been how controlling he was... .so many red flags, it was like a Soviet parade. (In Soviet Russia, red flags wave you.)

But the moment I probably really should have left was this. At the end of our third date, he tucked me into bed, then left my apartment. I was exhausted and happy, and I fell right to sleep. He told me the next day that he had sat in his car outside the apartment and waited to see if I'd gotten out of bed and turned the light on - he had expected me to. He said that, if I had done so, he was going to come back to the apartment and be like, Yeah, you were just pretending to be all tucked in and ready for bed, just to please me. He was surprised and touched that I had fallen immediately asleep.

Um.

Why did I stay? So many reasons. I thought it was creepy and weird at the time, but I thought maybe it was just insecurity and a bit of OCDish behavior (he was a neat freak perfectionist). I had thought the tucking-in was very sweet and it had made me feel all comfortable and cozy. There was such a dissonance between that feeling and the discomfort and invasion I felt about his behavior afterwards.

At the same time, there was a part of me deep inside - that I was not yet conscious of - that wanted to be controlled and smothered and dependent and taken care of. I had serious control-me syndrome, which has gotten a hundred times better with healing from this relationship, therapy, and self-discovery. Despite the pragmatic and self-protective part of myself, those soul-deep needs were drawn to him. The pattern of comfort and smothering was familiar to me. Having someone that obsessed with me was appealing to me, because I had no real sense of self-worth. I secretly wanted to be destroyed.

Also, on a lighter note, he was sexy, hot, funny, smart, and a hard worker, and the sex was amazing. He has a lot of good qualities and we had a lot of fun together. We were friends before we dated, and coworkers of a sort (we worked on the same projects a lot, although not the same office or even city). I had/have a lot of respect for him. Again, the dissonance between the great aspects and the bad aspects was hard to rectify, and so I stayed. And then I eventually began to crave some of the bad aspects, too - and so I stayed.

What about that moment made you stay?

Let's take it a little further, maybe. What does what made us stay say about us?

I stayed because she was struggling with depression and was cutting again, and I just saw this as her feeling really bad about herself.  She had also not done anything to me that proved what she was saying.

I stayed because she told me this in the hospital, a few days after trying to commit suicide and after being diagnosed with BPD.

Why did these particular things make you stay, Summer? What can you learn about yourself from them?

[rotiroti]

so many red flags, it was like a Soviet parade. (In Soviet Russia, red flags wave you.)

How long were you guys friends before dating?

I'm still searching as to why I had stayed for so long, perhaps I thought that years of friendship had built this amazing bond between us. Thinking back I would often really crave the bad aspects about her, even when they were completely against my values... .Reading your post about how the lines felt blurred really resonates with me...

At the same time, there was a part of me deep inside - that I was not yet conscious of - that wanted to be controlled and smothered and dependent and taken care of. I had serious control-me syndrome, which has gotten a hundred times better with healing from this relationship, therapy, and self-discovery.

Thank you. There are many things I wouldn't have found in myself if it wasn't for the end of the relationship.

[HappyNihilist]

How long were you guys friends before dating?

About a year. We weren't super-close friends, though. I liked him, but we were both preoccupied and busy with other stuff.

Thinking back I would often really crave the bad aspects about her, even when they were completely against my values... .Reading your post about how the lines felt blurred really resonates with me...

I'm glad you could find something that resonated with you. I know exactly what you mean about craving the bad stuff even when it was against my values. Do you struggle with self-esteem and self-worth, too?

There are many things I wouldn't have found in myself if it wasn't for the end of the relationship.

These relationships can be a true gift. They break us down to the point where we are forced to either deal with and discover our deepest self - or bury it again with distractions and our old patterns.

A disordered relation often forces us into a state of disintegration - which can be positive and lead to growth and development.

[Thread]

When he threw water on himself and said it was because he knew I wanted to do it to him so he did it for me 

I was sitting on the bed reading a magazine.

[valueachild]

The moment he suffocated me by sitting on my chest and holding me down, or maybe the time we returned from vacation and I came over from my house to help unpack our stuff and he had been drinking, got angry when I said I was leaving and he grabbed me and strangled me.  Should have called 911 because in the end after I applied for a restraining order, he lied about everything and the judge bought it and said that I was mad that he broke up with me... .which was not even a part of the record!  My ex had completely and utterly charmed the judge into believing he was an innocent man who ended our relationship and I was the bitter woman!

[Thread]

Valueachild.

Wow.  Sorry you went through something like that 

[seh77]

Great Thread,


The moment I should have left from a 5 year relationship: When after a year of dating/moving in together she caused a fuss the day of my grandmother's funeral. (my gran raised me and was my world)

I should have ran away from her as fast as I could have.  But the argument was twisted around and she made me feel like it was my fault.

Thankfully I am no longer in that situation. 

[Schermarhorn]

When he threw water on himself and said it was because he knew I wanted to do it to him so he did it for me 

I was sitting on the bed reading a magazine.

I'm sorry, but that really made me laugh.

Is there more to that story, or was it just that random?

[mrwigand]

The moment that SHOULD have been crystal clear I should get out of there: when I received a phone call from a mutual friend telling me that my dBPDgf had been arrested with her unstable ex-boyfriend for shoplifting at a local mall. Like a thousand dollar's worth. Yeah, we were still together for a month or two after that .

[.cup.car]

The vivid dreams she'd have about me.

The massive walls of texts she'd send talking about her abusive parents.

The revealing Facebook photos.

The comments on said photos openly talking about her promiscuous adventures at school.

[skyla]

I should have left so many times... .

Two weeks after we first started dating (not even official) we were drinking with my roommate and her boyfriend. My ex boyfriend started blowing up my phone, but I wasn't answering and just laughed it off.  I could clearly see my BPD was fuming on the inside, and he started drinking insane amounts of liquor. He eventually exploded and started raging about my ex in front of all of us. He said how he wanted to kill my ex, and screamed that he knew my ex was a psychopath because he was a psychopath... .my roommate and her boyfriend were creeped out and went to bed. My roommate even pulled me aside and told me that I she wanted to talk with me about him the next day.

He then started throwing up and having a panic attack. I ended up taking care of him. He kept screaming that his heart was hurting and that my ex never deserved a "beautiful soul" like me, and how my ex only liked me for my looks and not my soul. When I looked into his eyes I saw pure rage and fear. He looked like a scared animal fearing for its life. He even grabbed my phone and locked himself in the bathroom with it.

When I said "look, I can't see you anymore if you're going to act like this" he freaked out even more and started sobbing. He was covered in vomit so I tried to undress him and get him in the shower but he snapped at me and called me a whore for trying to undress him. When I backed away and told him that what he said was messed up, he immediately lied and said "no, I wasn't calling you a whore, I called myself a whore"

I ended up eventually getting him cleaned up and in bed. He woke up early and immediately started crying. He sobbed the whole day and begged for forgiveness, saying that he ed up everything good in his life and that he couldn't lose me.

I honestly almost ended things that day. I mean, if the crazy was coming out that early, I knew it was only going to get worse... .and it did later on. I gave him a chance though, because I felt sorry for him and he seemed truley sorry. But also I didn't want to go back to my ex... .Anything was better than my cheating ex at that point.




He would go on to have plenty of sobbing screaming temper tantrums after that. He would go on my instagram and Facebook account and delete any guy who liked or commented on anything I posted. He was insanely jealous. Eventually he made me delete my Facebook. He pushed away and talked crap about all of my friends and family. If I didn't answer the phone in a specific time frame I would get raged and b___ed at for hours. He constantly threatened to leave me. He always complained that I didn't love him enough and called me evil and abusive. He hated it when I'd dress nice or wear makeup. I was in a constant state of stress that I would trigger one of his rages. I was scared until I eventually failed to give a crap anymore... .

[xPaintedBlackx]

When after just a couple of weeks of talking, she was kind of forcing me into asking her to be my girlfriend

[Loosestrife]

Ive experienced too many disgusting things, I should have left a long time ago.

[milo1967]

Sorry for the TMI, but apropos of nothing and a few months after we started dating (not that it would have been appropriate in any context and at any time), she informed my brother what my semen tasted like. Zero boundaries and bizarre behavior/ statements. Eleven years later I divorced her for infidelity and a hellish journey of deceit and emotional abuse.  What a fool I was.

[disorderedsociety]

The vivid dreams she'd have about me.

That's weird about the dreams. Mine would have dreams of the guy before me and tell me about it and make me feel like I was gonna do the same stuff he did.

[GreenEyedMonster]

When I found out that he got engaged to his previous girlfriend after 10 days of online dating.

A major  I chose to ignore.

[balletomane]

When his reaction to a very minor disagreement about politics was to declare he felt betrayed by me, that I'd ruined his life, and that only the fact I was crazy stopped me from being completely evil. That night he cut himself and got drunk on vodka as a result of his distress. I should have said enough then. Instead I started apologising and trying to placate him, which only made him more spiteful and suspicious.

[Darsha500]

After our first breakup she had texted me the next day and would not stop berating me. While she was doing so, I went out to coffee with a friend of mine who is also a psychology student. He was telling me, Just don't respond, she's trying to manipulate you, don't reinforce her behavior. At that point I thought i was ready to let it go.

Then after about 2 hours of her incessant insults, she finally seemed to be gaining some clarity. She said, "Wait, don't cancel our couples counseling appointment, I need you to to go with me so you can tell him how f@cked up I am." I wasn't sure if she was joking. She wasn't.

So I thought, "okay we will go and get serious help, I don't care about the relationship, I just want to help her get the help she needs." Yah right! like I'm that altruistic.

That intense devaluation of me was just a glimpse of the horror that was to come. 

[seang]

Hi Guys, new to this site.  Just 5 weeks out of a relationship with a suspected exBPDgf.  She finally pulled the trigger after i guess me hinting that i wasnt happy with the cycling, fights, rages etc.

When should i have left?

2 weeks in.  Her kicking off for no reason and slating me.

4 weeks in, her wanting a baby!

Why didnt i run a mile!

[SouthernMama]

We had been dating a month maybe, & were at his house when he got into his buddy's car & drove away w/out telling me. Then, he ignored my calls.

He fought all most every holiday & ignored me.

I should have left when... .

He would get drunk & sad & projectile vomit all over the bathroom.

Spend all of our $$$ & then break things in anger.

He held a knife to my pregnant belly & said he'd cut me if anyone (we had friends over) moved or called the cops.

I finally left him when our youngest son was 1 yrs old.

[SGraham]

Hi Guys, new to this site.  Just 5 weeks out of a relationship with a suspected exBPDgf.  She finally pulled the trigger after i guess me hinting that i wasnt happy with the cycling, fights, rages etc.

When should i have left?

2 weeks in.  Her kicking off for no reason and slating me.

4 weeks in, her wanting a baby!

Why didnt i run a mile!

Welcome to the family, SG

Hey sorry to hear that you had to go through that man. Try not to think about things in terms of should of or shouldnt have, it is a quick path to self blame. But hey keep posting, there some very knowledgable and experienced individuals on this site.

Best wishes,

Also SG

[Mutt]

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