Mirror, Mirror on the Wall...

[ReclaimingMyLife]

So my r/s with my UxBPDbf was about him specifically but also very much not about him.  And a lot about me.  I want to look underneath the r/s with curiosity to see what I was drawn to.  There was much I didn't like about him but so much I did. 

Just thinking out loud here: 

1)  I loved, appreciated and admired his ability to be vulnerable and to be honest about his vulnerability.  He would say things like "I need you. I want you more."  I cannot recall a single time in my life, even when I was married, that I have said "I need you."  My own normal, human neediness that all of us have was rejected by me.  Somehow, somewhere I decided I didn't want to need anyone.  That needing someone/something was weak and stupid and unappealing.  And yet, of course, I need people.  I need love.  I need affection.  I appreciate enormously that he could be needy.  And not try to hide it.  Whether his ability to do so was born of strength and honesty or of disordered manipulation (or both), he still revealed to me the importance of honest vulnerability.

2)  Likewise, I really appreciated (some of) his demanding-ness and intrusiveness.  Since I made up in my own life that it wasn't okay to need anybody, then I also wouldn't demand or intrude on them.  I enjoyed his willingness to reach in, to "take" if you will.  Because, of course, there is the normal part of me that does have needs and should insist that my needs get met.   

3)  Additionally, because he was doing the demanding, intruding, and insisting, then I didn't have to.  So, in some ways, this r/s allowed me to be lazy.  To let him come to me.  To seek me out.  Instead of me having to acknowledge and admit what I wanted and needed and risk rejection trying to go after it. 

4)  He acted out the parts of me I rejected.  The very parts I need to acknowledge, embrace and incorporate into my life so that I can have an honest, real r/s.

5)  I never had that "needed to be needed" feeling with him.  Instead, I was with him because I didn't want to be needy myself.  Does that make sense?  The distinction seems subtle but important. 

I don't know and it probably doesn't matter if these parts of him came from the healthy, mature part of him or the disordered, scared part of him.  Because either way, he reflected and revealed important information to me about what I need and want in my life. 

In these ways, maybe he really was a mirror image of me (these parts of me).  The definition of mirror image is "an image or object that is identical in form to another, but with the structure reversed, as in a mirror."  Like he was the reversed structure of me.  He was neediness in the extreme reverse to my (alleged) lack of neediness. 

I probably reflected back to him that he is less needy than he thinks or will admit.  While I am more needy than I think or admit.  We reflected these extremes to each other. 

I need to be more needy, more vulnerable and more honest about my neediness with myself, with my partner and with the world.  He needs to be more secure, stronger and more honest about his strength with himself, his partner and the world. 

I do not want to be with this man again.  I will not be with him again.  But I appreciate the opportunity to see what was genuinely compelling about him, what he had to offer me and what I have learned by being with him.  At this moment, I actually feel some genuine gratitude.   

[ReclaimingMyLife]

Just found this on another thread, thank you Turkish for sharing. 

I am not quite sure how it relates to my original post, but I think it does.  Maybe you can help me figure it out. 

My ex definitely had all of these for sure.  Such a succinct and complete description of emotional immaturity.  Here is link to original thread (all of which is good):  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=60935.0;all

Here are some characteristics of emotional immaturity from When the man in your life can't commit by David Hawkins:

1. Volatile Emotions Emotional volatility is indicated by such things as explosive behavior, temper tantrums, low frustration tolerance, responses out of proportion to cause, oversensitivity, inability to take criticism, unreasonable jealousy, unwillingness to forgive, and a capricious fluctuation of moods.

2. Over-Dependence O Healthy human development proceeds from dependence (I need you), to independence (I don’t need anyone), to interdependence (we need each other — see also the Seven Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen R. Covey).

Over-dependence is indicated by: a) inappropriate dependence, e.g. relying on someone when it is preferable to be self-reliant, and b) too great a degree of dependence for too long. This includes being too easily influenced, indecisive, and prone to snap judgments. Overly-dependent people fear change preferring accustomed situations and behavior to the uncertainty of change and the challenge of adjustment. Extreme conservatism may even be a symptom.

3. Stimulation Hunger This includes demanding immediate attention or gratification and being unable to wait for anything. Stimulation hungry people are incapable of deferred gratification, which means to put off present desires in order to gain a future reward. Stimulation hungry people are superficial and live thoughtlessly and impulsively. Their personal loyalty lasts only as long as the usefulness of the relationship. They have superficial values and are too concerned with trivia (their appearance, etc.). Their social and financial lives are chaotic.

4. Egocentricity Egocentricity is self-centeredness. It’s major manifestation is selfishness. It is associated with low self-esteem. Self-centered people have no regard for others, but they also have only slight regard for themselves. An egocentric person is preoccupied with his own feelings and symptoms. He demands constant attention and insists on self-gratifying sympathy, fishes for compliments, and makes unreasonable demands. He is typically overly-competitive, a poor loser, perfectionistic, and refuses to play or work if he can’t have his own way.

A self-centered person does not see himself realistically, does not take responsibility for his own mistakes or deficiencies, is unable to constructively criticize himself, and is insensitive to the feelings of others. Only emotionally mature people can experience true empathy, and empathy is a prime requirement for successful relationships.

[Suzn]

My own normal, human neediness that all of us have was rejected by me.  Somehow, somewhere I decided I didn't want to need anyone.  That needing someone/something was weak and stupid and unappealing.

Since I made up in my own life that it wasn't okay to need anybody, then I also wouldn't demand or intrude on them.

Instead of me having to acknowledge and admit what I wanted and needed and risk rejection trying to go after it.  

Where do you think this came from? Do you recall when and what happened where you convinced yourself your needs went on the back burner?

He was neediness in the extreme reverse to my (alleged) lack of neediness.  

Why do you think you put the word (alleged) in this statement?

Instead of me having to acknowledge and admit what I wanted and needed and risk rejection trying to go after it.

Is this it?

In the spirit of personal inventory let's talk more about you. Where do you see yourself in this list of characteristics today?  

CHARACTERISTICS OF EMOTIONAL MATURITY

1. The Ability to Give and Receive Love  Emotional maturity fosters a sense of security which permits vulnerability. A mature person can show his vulnerability by expressing love and accepting expressions of love from those who love him. An immature person is unduly concerned with signs of "weakness" and has difficulty showing and accepting love. The egocentricity of immaturity will allow the acceptance of love, but fails to recognize the needs of others to receive love. They'll take it, but they won't give it.

2. The Ability to Face Reality and Deal with it  The immature avoid facing reality. Overdue bills, interpersonal problems, indeed any difficulties which demand character and integrity are avoided and even denied by the immature. Mature people eagerly face reality knowing the quickest way to solve a problem is to deal with it promptly. A person's level of maturity can be directly related to the degree to which they face their problems, or avoid their problems. Mature people confront their problems, immature people avoid their problems.

3. Just as Interested in Giving as Receiving  A mature person's sense of personal security permits him to consider the needs of others and give from his personal resources, whether money, time, or effort, to enhance the quality of life of those he loves. They are also able to allow others to give to them. Balance and maturity go hand in hand. Immaturity is indicated by being willing to give, but unwilling to receive; or willing to receive, but unwilling to give.

4 . The Capacity to Relate Positively to Life Experiences  A mature person views life experiences as learning experiences and when they are positive he enjoys and revels in life. When they are negative he accepts personal responsibility and is confident he can learn from them to improve his life. When things do not go well he looks for an opportunity to succeed. The immature person curses the rain while a mature person sells umbrellas.

5. The Ability to Learn from Experience  The ability to face reality and to relate positively to life experiences derive from the ability to learn from experience. Immature people do not learn from experience, whether the experience is positive or negative. They act as if there is no relationship between how they act and the consequences that occur to them. They view good or bad experiences as being caused by luck, or fate. They do not accept personal responsibility.

6. The Ability to Accept Frustration  When things don't go as anticipated the immature person stamps his feet, holds his breath, and bemoans his fate. The mature person considers using another approach or going another direction and moves on with his life.

7. The Ability to Handle Hostility Constructively  When frustrated, the immature person looks for someone to blame. The mature person looks for a solution. Immature people attack people; mature people attack problems. The mature person uses his anger as an energy source and, when frustrated, redoubles his efforts to find solutions to his problems.

8. Relative Freedom from Tension Symptoms  Immature people feel unloved, avoid reality, .are pessimistic about life, get angry easily, attack the people closest to them when frustrated --- no wonder they are constantly anxious. The mature person's mature approach to live imbues him with a relaxed confidence in his ability to get what he wants from life.

[Eye438]

Just found this on another thread, thank you Turkish for sharing. 

I am not quite sure how it relates to my original post, but I think it does.  Maybe you can help me figure it out. 

My ex definitely had all of these for sure.  Such a succinct and complete description of emotional immaturity.  Here is link to original thread (all of which is good):  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=60935.0;all

Here are some characteristics of emotional immaturity from When the man in your life can't commit by David Hawkins:

1. Volatile Emotions Emotional volatility is indicated by such things as explosive behavior, temper tantrums, low frustration tolerance, responses out of proportion to cause, oversensitivity, inability to take criticism, unreasonable jealousy, unwillingness to forgive, and a capricious fluctuation of moods.

2. Over-Dependence O Healthy human development proceeds from dependence (I need you), to independence (I don’t need anyone), to interdependence (we need each other — see also the Seven Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen R. Covey).

Over-dependence is indicated by: a) inappropriate dependence, e.g. relying on someone when it is preferable to be self-reliant, and b) too great a degree of dependence for too long. This includes being too easily influenced, indecisive, and prone to snap judgments. Overly-dependent people fear change preferring accustomed situations and behavior to the uncertainty of change and the challenge of adjustment. Extreme conservatism may even be a symptom.

3. Stimulation Hunger This includes demanding immediate attention or gratification and being unable to wait for anything. Stimulation hungry people are incapable of deferred gratification, which means to put off present desires in order to gain a future reward. Stimulation hungry people are superficial and live thoughtlessly and impulsively. Their personal loyalty lasts only as long as the usefulness of the relationship. They have superficial values and are too concerned with trivia (their appearance, etc.). Their social and financial lives are chaotic.

4. Egocentricity Egocentricity is self-centeredness. It’s major manifestation is selfishness. It is associated with low self-esteem. Self-centered people have no regard for others, but they also have only slight regard for themselves. An egocentric person is preoccupied with his own feelings and symptoms. He demands constant attention and insists on self-gratifying sympathy, fishes for compliments, and makes unreasonable demands. He is typically overly-competitive, a poor loser, perfectionistic, and refuses to play or work if he can’t have his own way.

A self-centered person does not see himself realistically, does not take responsibility for his own mistakes or deficiencies, is unable to constructively criticize himself, and is insensitive to the feelings of others. Only emotionally mature people can experience true empathy, and empathy is a prime requirement for successful relationships.

This is powerful, but I have spent countless hours analyzing my ex to the point of nausea I felt like her psychologist not a partner, there is no  quick fix for anyone who suffers such extreme mental illness. I tried for 5 years. It's all over now and very sad.