Disaster. He wants to break up.

[townhouse]

Well It had to happen I suppose.

He has given me the "I'm not happy and we are splitting up" talk for the 3rd time in 3 years.

He is so dysregulated by the builder and Sale of the other house that of course everything is wrong with our relationship.

I don't know what to think. Part of me wants to let go and part of me wants to continue in the hope that it gets better. We have had some very good times lately. But of course he doesn't remember the good times.

He is blaming  that he is so angry on the relationship not the circumstances of this building development that he initiated. When I have pointed out that it was his idea to do the development he says that I should have had the sense not to go ahead with it. I suppose that's true.

3 years ago when he forced me to leave was ultimately because he hated the employment he was in and wanted to change something. So I had to go. Then he lost his job and after not getting another he saw me as white because I had kept supporting him so then he wanted me back.

Look I am probably not making any sense at the moment.

Just one question though. Have other people here recycled more than 3 times? I mean when do you give up?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Daniell85]

Yes, recycled a dozen times. I am not sure the question is about when do you give up so much as what boundaries you need to develop to protect yourself.

Maybe someone else can explain better. I just wanted you to know someone heard you tonight. It's slow here atm. 

[thisagain]

  We've all been there!

How are you taking care of yourself? I agree with Danielle that your immediate focus should be protecting yourself. It's hard to make a meaningful choice if your happiness and well-being are tied up in the relationship. Maybe think of it as "hope for the best, plan for the worst": even if you hope to stay together, you should still have a plan to take care of yourself if he leaves.

Do you have boundaries and a plan in place to ensure that you'll be okay (financially and emotionally) regardless of what's going on with the building development and the relationship? Will you stay in the house, or do you have another place you can stay?

We're here for you and we'll support you, whatever you decide to do.

[babyducks]

Hi townhouse,

I am wondering now that things are a little calmer, and some time has passed do you know what you want to do?

What I am thinking is, if you let him make this decision for you,  you will always be at the mercy of his highly charged emotional decisions.  Waverider always says things like we need to be the calm centered middle of the road that they bounce back and forth around.    And formflier would say let his emotions drive his actions. His emotions shouldn't drive your actions.    If he wants to break up what is he going to do about it?     Do you feel like you are at a place where you can make a decision and stand with it?

It sounds to me like this has to be one of those times where you have to be very strong in your own personal values, and hang on to them.   Unfortunately only you can decide what you value most,   is it I value this relationship and I will weather this storm, or I value my own peace of mind and quiet serenity and will disengage for now?    that's so hard to untangle.   

in another thread here I was reading about PUVAS, and thought it applied.

P.U.V.A.S. - Randi Kreger later published PUVAS in 1998 in Stop Walking on Eggshells

• P= Pay attention

• U= Understand fully

• V= Validate emotions

• A= Assert yourself

• S= Shift stuff where it belongs

I wish it had a better name.      

How is it going today?

'ducks

[townhouse]

Thanks for getting back to me BabyDucks. I really appreciate the thoughtfulness in your post and you are right, things are calmer now after a couple of days.

I let a day go past where he was able to calm down a little and had I decided that I did want to stay... .for many reasons not just that I love him. He was still highly dysreg but I asked could we talk for a minute.

I suppose I used SET because I told him that I understood how he felt about the builder disrespecting us and that Yes the work in places could have been of a higher standard. I then  said my version of 'truth' which was that we have been through an awful lot over the last two years, including building 3 homes one of which has sold , the other for sale and our own to finish and furnish. We also have had problems with his daughter as well as I had a complete knee replacement last year and he had a heart attack and stent inserted. I said Whew any relationship would be stretched to breaking point given those circumstances and that I really didn't think it was fair to end our relationship given what we had been through.

He walked away sat down and said "I don't know what to say" I knew I had got through to him and just went about doing things.

However, it wasn't all smooth sailing at this point because a potential buyer came to see the house and my partner took them through. They said it wasn't for them and so of course the builder came in for more rage. He started on me again.

This time I was able to remain calm and I managed to say something like 'instead of blaming me why don't you talk to him' "I will" he shouted. He got on the phone and started yelling and swearing at the builder. I'm sure the poor guy didn't know what was going on.  That aside... .what happened is that it released his pent up feelings and it seems the dysregulation is over.

Well almost... .he is now saying he is going to contact lawyers about compensation, which I feel is a waste of time. I have set a boundary ( not calling it as such) that I don't want us to spend anymore money on the whole project.

Anyway, we "live to fight another day"... .does anyone know where that saying comes from ?... .seems apt in the face of BPD.

[townhouse]

Oh and also, I feel completely traumatised and exhausted.

Feel like I could sleep for ages.

[formflier]

Hang in there... .

He may bring up break up talk again.

"I'm not able to have this conversation right now... " is a good response... .make it about you... .walk away.

I hope you get some sleep!

FF

[babyducks]

H townhouse,

I'm glad you saw success when you used a version of SET.   I think it is important to note that through all the rage and dsyregulation,  one of the tools here, a SET, worked.   You got through to him.   And you were heard.  and when you changed your behavior he changed his.   this is a small smattering  of making it better.

Granted this was a very small success but still I believe it's important to celebrate all progress so Yay for you townhouse nice job!   

of course you are tired and worn out.   you've been in the middle of a maelstrom for a while now.  all of us would be exhausted if we were in your shoes.

formflier line is a good one, I have sometimes used,   "I need to take a break from this conversation for a while, we can talk about it again later, or tomorrow."

in the mean time while you are not talking about it with him, it is perfectly acceptable to strategize with us what approach would be best for you, and most likely to not further dsyregulate him.

'ducks

[townhouse]

Thanks again for the replies. Sorry I missed mentioning Daniell85 and  this again. It was very comforting to see your responses on that first day.

FF thanks for the heads up that it could happen again and you are right as he still "hates the builder" and as we still have to deal with him, anything could escalate.

Which leads me to BD suggestion about how to handle this next phase. Do you think I should take a back seat dealing with the builder now?

There is a kind of jealousy there but because the builder is so much younger than I, my partner has deflected it onto saying that " he wants to talk to his mumsie, he likes his mumsie, she doesn't yell at him. He (SO) has said this to me and the builder... .who incidentally replied "what's my mother got to do with this" which actually gave me a chuckle because the guy obviously has no idea what SO is talking about.

I hate being the meat in the sandwich and am embarrassed to talk to the builder.

Any thoughts?

[babyducks]

Hi townhouse,

when I was very first on this site, a member by the name of Winston72 said this to me in response to something I asked.

“twisting yourself into a pretzel trying to shape yourself to match her ability to understand/comprehend ends up with you terribly twisted in your own thinking and overly identified with her thinking.”

I could have hugged the man.   He so brilliantly articulated what I was doing.    I was trying to match her ability to understand and comprehend and since her moods and emotions fluctuated with the prevailing winds I was bouncing around like a berserk super ball and felt terrible most of the time.

I think you might be in the S stage of PUVAS  - shift stuff to where it belongs.

if he starts to dsyregulate, walk away, don't engage in any discussion where his language is abusive or his mood is starting to fray.   review Lesson 3 for all the helpful tips.

find some way to get out of the conversation, that works for you.   formflier has his exit line,  I threw in mine.  Come up with one that you can use, that's natural and normal for you.   One you won't have to think about but gets you out of the conversation in a hurry if you have to exit.

since a SET worked once,   try another small SET,  it should be something you sincerely believe to be true, not something to placate him.   

if you don't want to be in the middle (and I don't blame you)  think of how you could put that in a SET, you know your partner best and what words might set him off and what words might reach him.

so what do you think the SUPPORT would look like?  "You noticed that the builder would rather talk to me the other day."   EMPATHY - It must be frustrating to not be able to communicate with him effectively.  TRUTH I don't want to be stuck in the middle of you two guys so how about we... .fill in the blank here with what you are willing to do or suggest... .

what do you think?   make any sense?

'ducks



 

[Jessica84]

Great advice babyducks! I forget about PUVAS. Sounds like Townhouse did a great job shifting the blame while also being supportive. 

My favorite exit line is one I stole from Loving Someone with BPD: "Let's talk when things calm down."

The book emphasizes saying "things" instead of "when you've calmed down". Makes it more about the situation than the person. And I imagine a less jagged pill for them to swallow when you're setting a boundary to leave abusive conservations.

[formflier]

 

Townhouse,

How is your sleep level?

I understand that you are embarrassed to talk to the builder... .however... think about "shifting" things were it belongs. 

You don't have to answer for stuff that your husband does... .or be embarrassed about it.  No need to apologize to another person for your hubby's behavior.

I realize that is easier said than done.

Hope you are hanging in there.

FF

[Ceruleanblue]

Wow, I've been there. I'm always the first one to get "cut off the team" too when BPDh decides he's unhappy. He won't look at his own actions, he won't look at how his kids have acted(which is a HUGE part of his "unhappiness", he won't look at anything other than ME. It all gets projected onto me, and he'll say things like "I don't treat you good", but to everyone else he's blaming it all on me and telling lies.

Just today, I found out via the grapevine, that one of his daughters actually feels sorry for me(to some small degree), and that he told a bunch of lies to them about me during the time we were separated.

I don't know why they do this, but it seems pretty common. When BPDh left me, he was citing all sort of reason why he was unhappy, but apparently he only told ME those, but to others I got all the blame. Typical.

It sure doesn't help my fear of abandonment, I can say that. I mean, I'll start doing better, then he amps up the threats again, or he starts being super negative, which is what he does when he's building up for the final cut and run. He starts saying all these negative, really fatalistic things like "I don't know if we can ever get past all this", "I don't think I know how to love anyone", "all I do is hurt you", "it shouldn't be this hard"... .

You aren't alone. I've been through it, and it STINKS.