Elderly BPD parent sinking into dementia - some thoughts

[Biz Baf]

  Hi!

Is anybody else supporting an elderly parent with BPD as they become frail and suffer from memory loss? I would love to hear from you if you share this journey with a loved BPD

My Mum started psychotherapy a couple of weeks ago. We have started to talk a lot about the past and how she felt about it. What's becoming clear is that she still harbours resentments from 60 years ago though life actually turned out better for her than the people she resented.

It's as if she has no capacity to reflect on whats's going on, to forgive others and to ask for forgiveness and above all to forgive herself.  There are so many old emotions in there that have stopped her moving on.

Her despair is terrible.  Far worse than others in her care home with similar situations.  She is still looking for a rescuer and feels really let down by the absence of a saviour.

I was sitting holding her hand tonight as she lay on her bed and she said "I just wish somebody who loves me and cares about me would walk through the door".  Hello?

It doesn'up trigger me any more. Thanks to my research on this website I have made changes in myself to protect myself.  I have started to use SET and it is so helpful

I would walk to the ends of the earth to help her find peace of mind before she passes away or descends into dementia.  If the latter I want her feelings in that state to be of well being.  It's not her fault that she was harmed in some way that led to BPD and I would love to get to the bottom of it

Basically, is healing possible for her?  My faith leads me never to lose sight of the possibility of redemption, by which I mean becoming at peace with oneself.  Insights gratefully received

[dotterof1]

            

Though I have not experienced this, my BPD mom's father had this and it's certainly a worry for the future.

As for your question of healing, redemption and becoming at peace... .I don't know. I don't know if BPD or any other disorder can be cleared/worked on when dementia kicks in. You can certainly talk to her doctor about it if you are involved in her medical care.

I'm impressed with your unconditional love; that has not been the case for me. If nothing else, take heart in knowing that you have been a very loyal and loving child to you mother, despite her cruel comments.

I'm sorry that I don't have a better answer for you. Please hang in there and post here when you need support.

[FinalLee]

Hi BifBaf.   

My husband and I moved to the US in 2009 from the UK in order to be near my elderly parents. (I was born in the US and lived in the UK for 21 years and my husband was born in the UK but both his parents have passed.)  My enDad died this past May.

My BPD mother is in her early 80s and is emphatically not demented but extremely physically disabled.  She has many autoimmune issues which have destroyed her body and I can't help but think that there is some connection with the BPD;  I think her body raised autoimmune defenses against herself in the same way that her psyche did.

I can totally and utterly relate to the comment "I wish someone who cared about me would walk through the door."  I think like you, this no longer hurts my feelings but makes me feel that I wish she could see that there are a number of people who do actually care for her.

What I find sad is that she has been living in hell for her entire life and she seems determined to remain in hell and die in hell.  (I speak metaphorically.)

Now that my dad has died, her new mantra is that we children didn't love him and that we are not mourning his passing.  Only she is in pain from his death.  There is an absolute determination to not even have company in grief.  She has responded to dad's death exactly like we children expected "Thank God the b~[1] is dead! Who the **** does he think he is leaving me alone."  It's very sad.

[1] According to mom, dad was emotionally abusive because he didn't always agree with her.  I do believe that it felt like emotional abuse to her.

What is sad is seeing a life wasted like that.

[CalledaPerson]

FinalLee,

My BPD mother is in her early 80s and is emphatically not demented but extremely physically disabled.  She has many autoimmune issues which have destroyed her body and I can't help but think that there is some connection with the BPD;  I think her body raised autoimmune defenses against herself in the same way that her psyche did.

My uBPD mother can't really walk anymore, although her mind is still sharp (although uBPD'd). It does make one wonder if the constant rage of BPD doesn't do some type of damage to the body. I was reading a book by Pastor Howard Storm about his Near Death Experience, where he says that his negative and selfish behavior is what led to a perforation of his duodenem, which led to his near death experience. He felt that negative and selfish behavior like this can cause physical damage. I'm not sure why it happens to some and not others though.

[Eureka1]

BizBaf

 

My uBPD trait Mom has Alzheimer's.  Even before she got far along in the disease, when I would try to practice healthy behaviors- telling her in an adult way why I found her comments or reactions offensive.  Mom would get angry and throw some negative comment about me.  (Not real healthy, eh)

Mom would not admit that she was ever the problem.  Tonight, she told me "I like it when you dress like that but brown is not my favorite color.  You look better in black."  (I had on brown slacks with a purple sweater).  This still triggered me a bit, but I also chuckled to myself.

Mom at times would be loving and supportive, other times not so much as she would be critical and demanding.  But it was not as bad as the stories told by others on this site.  Nevertheless, Alzheimer's is a cruel disease and I am trying to forgive my mother for not getting my uBPD sister into therapy. 

I admire you for trying to do what is right for your mother and being a loving daughter. 

I hope this makes sense.  I have had a rough week and may be rambling on... .

[tenacity]

I am so sorry to read that you are experiencing this. It makes an already difficult situation even harder.   You have a wonderful attitude about the situation and I admire your faith and devotion to your mom. I went through this with mine too, and talked to several doctors about it. Unlike your mom mine would not go to therapy and was never technically diagnosed by a doctor. From what our conversations revealed tho, I am sure she has dementia along with her pd's. The doctors told me that their memory, especially short term really starts to fail and continues to, they become angry because they realize this, and that can lead to rages. They also live very much in the past because their memories are there now. My mom would go off on tangents about her childhood like it was yesterday-but not remember a thing that happened in the past week. Although I felt at the time a lot of it was selective, now I am not so sure. As far as them finding peace, I don't know. I don't think it ever hurts to stop hoping for that, but there are some things we will just never know and that is hard. I am guessing she feels some peace when you are there, even tho she is incapable of showing it, her behavior probably does in other ways. I too feel like there is always hope--and there are things going on in the spiritual realm we aren't privy to also. I believe healing is definitely possible if not in this lifetime then definitely in the after life.  

[FinalLee]

My uBPD mother can't really walk anymore, although her mind is still sharp (although uBPD'd). It does make one wonder if the constant rage of BPD doesn't do some type of damage to the body. I was reading a book by Pastor Howard Storm about his Near Death Experience, where he says that his negative and selfish behavior is what led to a perforation of his duodenem, which led to his near death experience. He felt that negative and selfish behavior like this can cause physical damage. I'm not sure why it happens to some and not others though.

I see it like this.  Some people have certain physical weaknesses;  if they also have unhealed emotional / spiritual weaknesses, the latter can negatively affect the physical.  For example, as a child, I always got stomach aches when I was afraid because I was "not allowed" to name fear as fear.  Apparently, though, my digestive system isn't all that weak and was able to withstand this until I got old enough to name fear as fear and find other outlets to express my fear besides telling my parents that I was afraid.  Had I had a weakness in my stomach or my intestines, I might very well have damaged them when the adrenaline and cortisol rushed through my body.

I don't think it's straight "cause and effect". 

And I don't think that every illness is caused by emotional issues either.  (A lot of people seem to assume that one is saying "All illness is caused by emotional problems" when one makes the connection between the two.)

[Cautious]

sorry for your situation... .have been there with my uBPD dad.  unfortunately, my uBPDsis swooped in and took over dad.  the black and white thing, with her being white and other kid's black, because we did not meet his needs or her's being the good daughter. (keep in mind that she set up the bad daughter stuff) the one good thing that happened was that at the end of his life, he was in hospice care and we got access to him.  he did tell my sisters and me that he did love us,  it really did make a difference to us.  until we found out that he left all his worldly goods to uBPD sis, and we could not even have a picture from his home... .i guess he told us.

i hope for you that you're spared this.  i know that he is at peace, and know that in what ever capacity, he did love his children.  maybe the dementia is a blessing for them, as they can no longer remember the past trauma they have caused their family.

[Biz Baf]

 Hi!

Thank you everyone for your very kind and supportive comments. It's such a relief to know that others have similar stories

The other week I discovered SET and it is *so good*. Here is how I used it yesterday

I called on Mum yesterday afternoon to tell her she was a great granny again (baby boy, my grandson, had arrived 1:25pm!      ). We spent 10 minutes being delighted about that then 1 hour on her stuff. She is in a care home.

She said "I feel completely abandoned" (cue trigger. Deep breath).

Me "Oh Mum that is awful for you. I can imagine how miserable you must feel. It must be horrid to feel abandoned. (pause). Do you think that the reality is you actually have been abandoned?"

Mum "No, I suppose not"

Me "Well that's something then"

The interesting thing was that Mum's face was a picture. I could see she was seething, but she had no handle from me to hang her fury on #Result

The sad thing is she said something to trigger my sweet sister the other night. My Sis and Mum have always been close & my Sis is a sweet person. Mum's wrath has been directed at me because I stood up to her. Now I don't allow her to trigger me and I use SET on her I just hope she doesn't start hurting my sister

[Biz Baf]

What I find sad is that she has been living in hell for her entire life and she seems determined to remain in hell and die in hell.  (I speak metaphorically.)

What is sad is seeing a life wasted like that.

Thank you. This is exactly how I feel. Whether there is an afterlife or not, Heaven is being able to approach your end with the view "Gosh, that was worth doing" - and Hell is about approaching it in a bitter despairing frame of mind

Every child wants their parents to be happy and Mum's distress has always been a source of grief for me. I have so so wanted to make it better for her and the rows we have had in the past have been about me trying to offer her solutions to the problems she forced on me.

As I write I have a bad pain in my stomach.  It's been there off and on for 35 years and it's related to grief

A while ago my son, a Doctor, said "Mum, you can't be your mother's redeemer, only God can do that.". He is so very right but I do have to do everything I can, muster all resources I can, to help her deal with the emotion so that when she does sink into deeper dementia she can do so with more peace of mind than would otherwise be the case

In a way the onset of dementia is helpful. She is so desperate (understandably, but moreso because of the BPD) that she is willing to accept psychotherapy from a lovely lady who is prepared to visit her care home (which means that I am nowhere around at that time as I don't have to take her there).

If nothing else this puts another person responsible for helping Mum with her feelings between me and Mum, which makes me feel a huge sense of relief too

Thank you for being there  Hi!

[FinalLee]

Every child wants their parents to be happy and Mum's distress has always been a source of grief for me. I have so so wanted to make it better for her and the rows we have had in the past have been about me trying to offer her solutions to the problems she forced on me.

As I write I have a bad pain in my stomach.  It's been there off and on for 35 years and it's related to grief

I think there are a number of people on this board who can relate to all of that.  I've started thinking about the effects of BPD as a package or a ball that the pwBPD tries to pass to other people (especially in the family) so that they don't have to deal with it.  It sounds like you are holding that "package" in your stomach as many of us do.  Recognizing it is good.  I hope you can find a way to recognize that the "package" isn't yours and to let go of it.

A while ago my son, a Doctor, said "Mum, you can't be your mother's redeemer, only God can do that.". He is so very right but I do have to do everything I can, muster all resources I can, to help her deal with the emotion so that when she does sink into deeper dementia she can do so with more peace of mind than would otherwise be the case.

Your son is very wise.  I applaud your compassion.  I also hope that you can find your way to wisdom about finding the balancing point where further effort and trying on your part yields nothing for your mum, but costs you a great deal.  God willing, you have many more years to live.  Don't give up two years of your life in stress and worry to buy her another month.  As hard as it sounds, she is still responsible for the choices she made previously in her life.  In my personal belief system - which I don't intend to push on you, but just sharing - I believe that our essence will continue and that we will always be given the chance to heal, even after this life is ended.

In a way the onset of dementia is helpful. She is so desperate (understandably, but moreso because of the BPD) that she is willing to accept psychotherapy from a lovely lady who is prepared to visit her care home (which means that I am nowhere around at that time as I don't have to take her there).

If nothing else this puts another person responsible for helping Mum with her feelings between me and Mum, which makes me feel a huge sense of relief too

I understand.  I think this is much the same phenomenon as my mother allowing other people outside the family to act as pseudo-daughters.  Although she and I are pleasant and civil when the BPD isn't in control (my mom is high-functioning), she simply does not allow me to love her the way she allows her pseudo-daughters to.  It is my act of love to her to be at peace about this.

[FinalLee]

accidentally repeated post instead of modifying... .

[greenjay]

Biz Baf, I am so sorry your current situation. I was interested in reading the answers to your post, as I too am in the same predicament. I just put my mom in an "independent living" situation 6 months ago. And although she is better there than her own home, I get calls daily that are full of sadness and despair. It makes me so sad.

Similarly, over the Thanksgiving holiday, she mentioned wanting to move to Seattle, WA "as there is nothing or no-one for her in this town". She will turn 80 in January, and, in speaking about it, she said, "I may go to xxxx, as I certainly don't want to spend my 80th birthday all alone!" All of this said in front of not only me, but her 2 grandchildren that looked at me bewildered. I am her only surviving child.

I love all of the responses that you have received and have taken many of them to heart with my own case. Remember that we cannot be their saviors, no matter how much we do for them. We are each responsible for our own happiness, no one else's. Be good to yourself!

[Biz Baf]

 

Thank you so much for all your warm hearted replies. Things are still difficult but I am coping much better with Mum than I was.  I feel calm about the fact I can't fix it for her

It's very sad to see. Her misery and despair is dreadful as her memory gets worse, but she is still highly articulate and intelligent. I just wish she would try harder to make a life for herself in her care home

[pattittap]

Great discovering this and finally getting some answers. Since I discovered how skewed my view of the world was when I finally got out on my own, I've been realizing that there's some sort of personality disorder going on with my mother. And over the past couple of years, dementia is setting in. Having discovered this site and doing other research, I am positive my mother is undiagnosed BPD with a generous smattering of narcissism.

Onto the problem. She has never learned the skills to properly take care of herself because there was always someone available to do her bidding. So now we have dementia creeping into the mix and I'm not sure she's remembering to eat and take her meds. She lives alone. She is also mis-remembering things. Imaging different scenarios to things that actually happened, putting things in safe places with no memory of having done that, or where that safe place is (I know, everybody does this, but it's to a degre where it's impacting her life, now), thinking she took her meds or ordered her groceries... .

She wants to remain living on her own, I think she needs to be in an assisted living arrangement.

We have had assessments by social workers and doctors. She can perform perfectly during such sessions.

I have had to step back and not do as much for her (because her demands were so out of whack, it was pretty obvious I was the stupid one doing them for her). I am also her only close relative/potential caregiver in the province.

I, of course, live on guilt and am wondering how much guilt or responsibility I should assume for letting her stay in her own home.

So should I put more effort into getting her into assisted care? Or would it be okay to get her to sign something saying it's her decision to die alone in her apartment? Or what are your suggestions?

[disillusionedandsore]

Hi,  delighted you pulled this up as I am recently coming to realise the same thing and was on this board a few weeks ago looking for something along these lines.  My mother lives alone (hermit) for many years but her short term memory is almost non existant now,  frighteningly so.  I feel she is a risk to herself also now and have only begun conversations with her GP to get a referral for psych evaluation.  The process is slow and she will resist all the way.  She told the Psychiatrist she would not want anyone coming to the house and told me a care home would be her worst nightmare... .Have you noticed any softening of symptoms with your parent? My mother's paranoia/mistrust seems 'hindered' by the deficits in stm (short term memory).  I can't believe she is actually talking to a P and saying these things... .that would not have let that happen before... .she is almost social now... .

[DoKnowHarm]

I'm glad to see these recent posts on this older thread, as I'm living the same problems as well. . .

BPD mom was in an apartment in a rowhouse that had been basically abandoned by the landlord - I was coordinating serious (water, plumbing, electric gas!) repairs to the building every few weeks at the end. She finally agreed to be moved to a senior apartment complex in April. . . I was so happy about her improved situation, but sadly my worst fears have been realized. She has been acting so out-of-control (a prescription narcotics addiction plays a huge part in all this) that I was notified directly by the facility that she "will need alternate housing arrangements." I knew this was a risk, but I didn't think it would happen so fast!

She also definitely has some early dementia issues, but seems always able to charm a psychiatrist into declaring her competent, even when her other doctors have deemed her commitable.

Now I'm not sure what to do. I don't want to take full responsibility for her (as in power of attorney, or becoming her social security payee) but she's currently in a nursing/rehabilitation home with no access to her Direct Express account, so I'm paying her rent for the senior home. . .

anyone have any ideas, insight or reflections for a situation like this?

By the way, OP Biz Baf, as we add to this resurrected thread, I hope things have gone well for you, and that you continue to take good care of yourself!

[martillo]

I had posted a similar topic a while back so am glad to see this and wow! Is it timely!  My in-laws just re-located to the town where we live.  They had returned to their home state 1700 miles away about 10 years ago.  M-I-L has been diagnosed w dementia for a couple of years and F-I-L's health is deteriorating.  They moved in next door to us about 3 weeks ago.  I believe MIL is uBPD and at one time believed my FIL was just being dragged along for the ride but now see some disordered thinking that has been a pattern for my entire 25yr relationship w my also uBPD (also alcoholic) H.  I will be honest... .our family, already struggling to maintain, is in major crisis mode.  I will be following this w interest!