We so WANT to forget their damage, don't we...

[Our abuse recovery guide]

As many of you know, my husband, my 3 year old, and I are moving across the country soon. The primary reason was that I was going crazy always dealing with uBPD mom's roller coaster and need a life break from her. Recently my bro got married and uBPD's and enDad's excitement level and "rush" is very high from all the parties etc. and being glad he's married. I've seen this side of mom, which is not too bad and tolerable. And then I forget all the reasons i was/am so hurt and all the damage they have caused in my life and marriage. I literally have to remind myself of all of it by reading my old messages on this board. Then I start thinking, well maybe now they'll be different... .Now that bro is married they will be happier... Is it all an illusion? Just until the magic dust wears off and I'm hit with another rage over something? The roller coaster makes me question my own sanity... .

[MiserableDaughter]

As many of you know, my husband, my 3 year old, and I are moving across the country soon. The primary reason was that I was going crazy always dealing with uBPD mom's roller coaster and need a life break from her. Recently my bro got married and uBPD's and enDad's excitement level and "rush" is very high from all the parties etc. and being glad he's married. I've seen this side of mom, which is not too bad and tolerable. And then I forget all the reasons i was/am so hurt and all the damage they have caused in my life and marriage. I literally have to remind myself of all of it by reading my old messages on this board. Then I start thinking, well maybe now they'll be different... .Now that bro is married they will be happier... Is it all an illusion? Just until the magic dust wears off and I'm hit with another rage over something? The roller coaster makes me question my own sanity... .

[Sweetmelissa]

Haven't we all been there?  Maybe THIS time it will be better.  The drama of "I hate you" and "you're the greatest person who ever lived" is enough for any of us to feel crazy.  I'm no expert but I think how you are feeling is normal.  Although my sister is the uBPD in the family, I can sympathize with what you are saying by thinking about my alcoholic dad.  I would become so hopeful when he was doing well and when he would get drunk or nasty again I would feel like I was punched in the gut.  I had to learn to temper my expectations of him.  I had to realize that although he may have some good moments that until he works a program of recovery that we are one slip away from being back where we started.  That's not to say not to enjoy the good moments and take a breath.  Just don't expect it to last forever.  Maybe I'm being a cynic but those are my thoughts.

As many of you know, my husband, my 3 year old, and I are moving across the country soon. The primary reason was that I was going crazy always dealing with uBPD mom's roller coaster and need a life break from her. Recently my bro got married and uBPD's and enDad's excitement level and "rush" is very high from all the parties etc. and being glad he's married. I've seen this side of mom, which is not too bad and tolerable. And then I forget all the reasons i was/am so hurt and all the damage they have caused in my life and marriage. I literally have to remind myself of all of it by reading my old messages on this board. Then I start thinking, well maybe now they'll be different... .Now that bro is married they will be happier... Is it all an illusion? Just until the magic dust wears off and I'm hit with another rage over something? The roller coaster makes me question my own sanity... .

[thefourth]

Hello MiserableDaughter,

I too have a uBPD mother and recently went through a family wedding. The wedding was this past June. The whole family was together and on their best behavior. I had recently gone no-contact with my parents at the time. Seeing my family at their best made me second guess this decision. I was reminded of all of the things I genuinely love about my family and even my mother. This made me second guess myself, which is such a familiar feeling, but no less scary. I began to question whether I had made it all up or was overreacting. It took a while and lots of help from my therapist until I reached a point where I felt like I could trust my sense of reality again. It is hard because my mother taught me to see the world in a black and white way--people are either good or bad. Viewing the world this way does not work when I think about my mother (or pretty much anything else in life). There are some things I love about her and some things I hate. I have found this complexity to make decision-making and boundary-making difficult.

Thank you for sharing, it is comforting to know that there are others who struggle with regaining a sense of reality after interacting with a BPD parent. It takes incredible strength to move away and I hope that this move will bring you and your family peace and health.

[MiserableDaughter]

I have always felt an emptiness in my life. I realize that perhaps that emptiness is the lack of a sense of autonomy. I feel like being local, I first always consider how any decision affects my mother. How will SHE feel? I want to know what it's like to breathe free. I feel like I'll force a sense of autonomy if I'm further away. I don't know if it's true but I feel the need to test this theory, or else I'll regret it in 5 years... .