Dealing with the Idea of Seeing Our Exes In Person

[mrwigand]

Firstly, just a little update... .I'm doing really well. I have a new job that I love, and I'm enjoying spending time with family and friends.

I have VERY little contact with my ex, and most of that contact is regarding money she owes from when I bailed her out of jail. As far as that is concerned, I'm actually very close to getting all of the money paid back, and the last couple of times I've interacted with my ex about this have gone smoothly.

I've been thinking more and more about what's next. My ex and I are on good terms, and I'm grateful for that, but the idea of being really "cool" with her is still completely foreign to me. And I don't mean to say that I'm still angry at her, etc.--indeed, I really hope she's doing well--but I still have a lot of confused, conflicted, and painful emotions associated with her and the relationship. And yet it's inevitable I'm going to have to interact with her more concretely than I might like. We have a few close mutual friends, and it's unrealistic that we will never see each other again. Far from it... .Up until this point, I've specifically avoided parties and occasions I knew she would be present at because I didn't feel I was ready to be in that situation with her.

I don't regret those decisions. I chose to protect myself emotionally, but I don't want to continue making that choice either. So, I'm sure it's going to happen.

And I imagine she won't be fazed by this. She's always assumed I've gotten over things between us, and when I've had to reiterate in our interactions that I still need space for myself, it's always taken her by surprise. I on the other hand still have very mixed emotions about the idea of seeing her in person and hanging out as if everything is cool between us. And again, I don't mean that to say that I still harbor resentments, only that I personally still have some painful emotions left over from our time together, even as I've made a lot of progress in detaching from them.

The idea of seeing her in person is a little painful itself. I almost ran into her and her current boyfriend at my neighborhood bar and my heart stopped for just a second. Just a second. I'm not saying any of this is going to set me back considerably or anything like that, but I can't deny it's something I think I would dread to a certain extent. I think I would meet it with dread and sadness. And obviously, it goes without saying all of this would be amplified if I saw her with her current boyfriend, etc.

I don't know. I was wondering if anyone else was in this kind of situation? How did you deal with it? Like I said, I'm not going crazy considering this, but it is something that is increasingly on my mind.

[SGraham]

No i think it is a perfectly rational thing to think about. I too am in a position where i 1. Feel marginally better and 2. Dont hate her. However, seeing her in person would probably crush me for a while. I've had to come up with excuses to not attend a few parties because she was going to be there. Im a bit worried though because im going to go back to my old highschool and say goodbye to my favourite teacher before i go away to college but i know that there is a big risk i might see my ex (she is in the grade below me). So mr wigand, id say, avoid the situations you know she will be there but try not to get to the point where you let the fear of seeing her prevent you from living your life. Best wishes.

[balletomane]

I haven't seen my ex since the breakup. He wanted to remain friends. For six weeks I tried, but it became clear that he only wanted to be friends on his terms - occasional Facebook chat for when his girlfriend wasn't around and he wasn't at university and he had nothing better to do. He was always too busy to see me. Then I realised I couldn't go on with this unequal friendship, in which he only wanted me around (at arms' length) to comfort him after episodes of self-harm and to reassure him by my presence that he hadn't done anything bad. So I cut contact and he wrote an e-mail to say I had hurt him badly and this was why he'd had to distance himself (projection or what!).

After that I felt sick at the thought of running into him or my replacement. I felt on edge when I had to visit places that they also visit frequently - the library, the market, certain bus lines. I altered the times I go shopping or use the library to avoid running into them and I would often walk rather than take a bus even when it was scorching hot. On my final day in that country (I believe my ex found a replacement because I was due to go home, and he couldn't face the uncertainty of a long-distance relationship - our breakup happened when I was overseas and the recycle began the day I got back) I travelled in a shared taxi to the airport. The taxi had to go down my ex's street to pick up a customer and my heart was in my mouth. Even being on that street was hard. Now it's better, as I'm in my own country and most places here aren't associated with him. I have PhD research to finish up in his country and I'm going to have to go back there one day, if only for a few weeks, but I am absolutely dreading it. Too many associations even if I don't meet him.

So, in answer to your question, I don't really deal with it - I avoid it. Although sometimes I have the paradoxical and dangerous hope that we will run into each other and I will get to tell him what I think of him.

[Mr Hollande]

Me and my ex live in different countries so for us to meet again would take effort on her behalf and the only realistic scenario would be if she appeared when I'm on tour with my band. I wouldn't put it entirely passed her so I have considered what measures to take if it happens. If I hear about her coming I will inform the promoter and have her stopped at the door. Failing a pre warning I will have security throw her out on the spot and in the extreme circumstance of them being unwilling to act I'll cancel the gig and leave the venue asap.

Her presence is 100% unwelcome.

[sas1729]

Hey,

So I'm at the point where I don't hate my BPDex and wouldn't be fazed if I saw her on the street. We don't have a mutual circle of friends so I cannot comment on that scenario, but I can explain a bit of how I got to a place where I don't care.

On some level I wish my BPDex well. I realise that she has enough to deal with that any ill-will on my part would be pointless. But there was a gradual transition through various stages before I got to this point. We live in a city, but it's on the smaller side. Certainly it's a city where I can bike past her old apt. There are also places where it's possible that I could run into her, since we tread the same area. In fact I'm a bit surprised that I haven't seen her yet. At first I would anxious because of the memories. I wouldn't want to go by certain places. But after some months I found that I would wonder what it would be like to see her. Would she turn around? Would she say hi in passing? Fast forward another couple of months and I no longer even wonder about that. It doesn't matter, but that's only because it's been coupled to my own healing.

I think the final breakthrough happened when I took a date (I was dating casually again) to a restaurant that my BPDex and I liked. I genuinely liked the food there and wanted to share it with my date. Before I got there I passively wondered what thoughts would go through my mind at the restaurant. Would I associate things with my ex or compare my date to my ex because of the setting? It turned out that I had a great dinner and didn't think about my ex at all.

It took time to get to that point. I think if you're at the "idly curious" point then I would say don't limit your social life. If you're still anxious then maybe give yourself a bit more time. I know that you have to interact with your ex so that is a huge factor that is different from me, I was NC the entire time. The healing shouldn't be rushed, and you need to know when it is definitely ok to recapture your social circle.