Try again or keep no contact

[understandnow]

My Dil attacks me via texts whenever she is triggered. I never answer her texts because they are abusive and are based on severely distorted allegations.  She has told us we will never see her kids and has held tight to that since February.  My son wants us to mend our relationship which by the way we have never had since she has painted our entire family black from the beginning.  He brings the grandkids over behind her back and he wants us to be able to get along.  I want nothing more then to have a civil relationship with her and sent her a validating note with everything I learned on this site.  With that I gave to her our families personal limits in that we all will respect each other and be kind.  She called them demands.  Should I accept that, it is what it is, and continue no contact or keep trying for the sake of my son.

[CeliaBea]

Hi Understandnow,

You write that your DIL's text messages are abusive and based on severely distorted allegations—that must be very stressful to deal with. Using the grandkids as pawns and to exert pressure seems extremely damaging—to you, your son, but also to the kids, I imagine.

I don't think anyone can advise you regarding accepting your DIL's behaviour and mending things for your son's sake. How do you feel about your DIL's behaviour? Can you imagine dealing with her on a regular basis? if not, can you have no contact with her but still maintain a relationship with your grandkids?

Celia

[understandnow]

That would be what I would want most of all!  She is using the kids as pawns. I can only control my behavior and it always has been one of kindness and respect.  My entire family and my oldest granddaughter is a trigger to her because she is her stepdaughter and not her biological child.  She has three other children with my son.  It's a twisted mess right now and I really feel like no matter what our family does, it doesn't please her. 

[HappyChappy]

It's a twisted mess right now and I really feel like no matter what our family does, it doesn't please her. 

This must be very frustrating for you. And your DIL's behaviour does sound A typical for a BPD. But you also stated you can only control your own behaviour, which I would agrea with. I'm guess you know that a BPD is unlikely to change. So coming back to your question  "Try again or keep no contact! ". Your choices are; learn techniques such as S.E.T. or others, to minimise the effects of your DIL, or limited or contact. I guess only you know what’s best for yourself , your son and your grandchildren. Who else in your family believes your DIL has BPD ? Because as the child of a BPD being used as a pawn was the least of my problems. Wishing you peace.

[understandnow]

Thanks Happy Chappy.  My daughter who is a family crises interventionist, and also is not allowed her access to her children, also knows she has all the traits of a BPD person.  i approached my son and asked him if we were to go for grandparents rights what would be her reason why we can't see them and he couldn't tell me only that she doesn't reason well.  I acknowledged her distorted allegations (one of which was I gave one granddaughter money for clothes for school last year and did not give her daughter clothes). I gave my son money for her school clothes ). All the allegations are that distorted.  I think I am finished with trying to fix things and so goes against my beliefs.  But I am trying now to accept the way things are and reading everything I can get my hands on.  Just feel bad for my alienated grandkids.