Whether You Stay in Your Relationship or Leave - Susan Collins

[9reasons]

Mr Bean

  or     don't know which one!  So funny. 

Foiles

He is Mr Bean!  I swear    with a totally different emotional rule book to the rest of us... .it's freaky!

[9reasons]

Well its hard for them to isolate you and smother you when you have taken steps to legally make them leave the premises.  

Oh wow, 1bravegirl, I couldn't believe it when I read that! Part of me thought it was funny because there was me thinking he was away on business or something   but then when I realise how you are living up to your name and actually had to do that... .well I admire you, you are now my hero! To stay strong with all the pleadings in the background and to honour yourself in all of this... .  you really are 1bravegirl and you deserve a   Stay strong... .wow, I can't get over it... .you are amazing 

[1bravegirl]

Thanks much 9reasons,

I figured you didnt realize he was gone permanently.  I really appreciate the supportive words.  I needed to hear them tonight.  I am so drained for some reason more so than usual.  And all I have been doing this past month is resting for the most part, reading, typing my lit booty off on this website and trying to stand my ground.  Oh and alot of soul searching of course. 

Some days I do feel like the brave warrior woman that can tackle what ever I must to carry on.  But today I feel like mush/ like someone kicked the wind out of me.  I hope this feeling passes fast.  I cant get much accomplished in this state.  Absolutely no energy!   But yea, its been quite a life. 

I related to what you said when you stated... You arent even sure if your in love with him?  I havent been sure of that in years.  Of course I do love him in a generalized sense, like when we are encouraged to love our neighbor and I have feelings for him as a man that has shared my bed with me for 24 yrs but whos to say when the illness did me in where the love is concerned.

Come to think of it, since it has been somewhat rocky from day one and I was very immature and still partying then, it wasnt built on a very healthy foundation.  Im sure it makes a difference too that your  SO is able to keep a job and functions at a high level.  I had to endure not only all the anger and verbal abuse but the instability of never being able to count on steady income due to his self destructive behavior and losing job after job.   If that is any consolation.   

But I felt like you do though~~ to stay true to my commitment thru hell or high water and not desert this man just because he is sick.  But I had to adjust that ~as hard as it is to do and realize that my life preservation has got to come first.  If not, I have done a huge injustice to both of us.

What good will I be to him all mentally ill and not able to finish a sentence due to depression.  It was almost that bad.   So I still feel an internal struggle to keep putting myself first since it really is so different to how I ever have lived or felt before... .but I will keep fighting it and winning because I know I have to this time.   Sick or not, he has got to take responsibility for his illness and work on getting better.  In the meantime I will continue to work on enjoying the time alone.    Keep me posted on how your doing ok?  I really connect with your blogs.   thanks so much for opening up to us.  It really helps alot.    Sincerely   1bravegirl               

[Carnelian]

Hi Bravegirl1,

Like yourself it is exactly 1 month since my uBPD hubbie was here and it's been a roller coaster ride.  I've bashed the car as I could'nt concentrate been  on aroller coaster of emotion and pain, no energy. For the first 3 weeks I was freezing cold at night due to the shock going through my body.  i've had to ban all alchohol in the house as I was starting to drink too much wine in the evening and crying on the end of a phone at night in a drunken stupour solves nothing.Last night it was lovely to sleep peacefully and warm as my body has recovered alot from the shock

Fortunately I'm realising through others like yourself that I am not alone and I am in charge of my own destiny, in fact ahuge fog lifted yesterday as I realise my role in my attachment to him and had not realised how all this slow chipping away at your self esteem damages your confidence.  My uBPD was not violent or aggressive as he is non confrontational but went through the lets not talk about it or have "one of our discussions" aargh so much suppression of my feelings. But no remorse for the hurt it's all about his own happinness but at least at last I know that I am dealing with a serious mental illness and this is helping me in my healing process.

Initially I kept thinking of life without him and was upset but hey I can make my own cup of tea in the morning, this was my attachment to the past when I was high up on a pedastal in his eyes in the early days until I fell with an almighty crash for whatever reason.  So moving forward inch by inch every day and for once allowing myself to feel every emotion in my body accepting it and then letting go.

Now for self care off to the hairdressers today, maybe cut that man right out of my hair!

[Carnelian]

Thank you for your comments 9 reasons,

Until 2 weeks ago I did not realise what a mess my uBPD had got himself in.  The deception has being going on such along time in that for the last 3 years he had not sold his fathers house and was doing major rennovation work on it which has taken 2 years.  Unfotunately like the USA the housing market has suffered and he has a personal debt of around $550,000 which I had no idea about.  We don't own our own home but are renting. The house is now on the market and hopefully it will sell.  So the deception was not just the affair but his "project".  he said he did it in secret because he said I would not let him and it was going to be asurprise windfall for our future!  Not sure where the other woman came in!  So rightly the situation in all respects is hugely complicated no wonder he was having pressure headaches nosebleeds and not sleeping at night.  He told me the Doctor said it was all down to his pressured job.

So I am daily unravelling lots of stuff and yes I will check with the lawyers today.

Somedays I just feel like i'm in a bad movie you could not script what he has created. 

[9reasons]

Holy cow Carnelian, after listening to you and 1bravegirl battling with your SO's it makes me feel rather humbled in comparison... .I mean stress nosebleeds? How bad do things have to get before one takes some responsibility! You guys are awesome inspiration and I hope I can help somewhere along the line. I had better not stay too long, I have finally got online at the restaurant (yeh) but I have customers... .so take care for now, you are both amazing  xoxox

[peter chu]

Hi 1bravegirl, 9 reasons, & Carnelian,

It is nice to know that all of you try to do the best in yr relationship with a BP. I encountered many of the problems that you all talked about & share the same worries, problems & symphathy.  All of you are very brave after all those years with a BP. I admire all of you.

My kind & little suggestions to you after living with  my uBPw & a HF one for 20 yrs are:

1> be yourself but adapt to change to break a BP rage cycle only & not anymore. A BP will drag you down & drain off most of yr energy & never let you to have a peace of mind. Be happy & enjoy yourself more if not with yr BP.

2> do not get involved too emotionally whatever you do with a BP. It will backfire or you will get into a big disappointment

3> don't expect too much for any change as a BP is seriously & psychologically sick 

4> you dance with a BP "technically"  as a BP always drag you into it, but not emotionally. If not, you will get hurt sooner or later.

5> love with detachment & be non-judgemental as you get reminded so many times. This is the only way to work if you continue the relationship, though it is difficult to do as I know & experience it.

6> take all chances to enjoy the "happy"  moment with a BP if he is in a good mood - so called healthy adult mode.

All the best to you all

Peter

[picturelady]

Some days I do feel like the brave warrior woman that can tackle what ever I must to carry on.  But today I feel like mush/ like someone kicked the wind out of me.  I hope this feeling passes fast.  I cant get much accomplished in this state.  Absolutely no energy!   But yea, its been quite a life. 

I related to what you said when you stated... You arent even sure if your in love with him?  I havent been sure of that in years. 


But I felt like you do though~~ to stay true to my commitment thru hell or high water and not desert this man just because he is sick.  But I had to adjust that ~as hard as it is to do and realize that my life preservation has got to come first.  If not, I have done a huge injustice to both of us.

 So I still feel an internal struggle to keep putting myself first since it really is so different to how I ever have lived or felt before... .but I will keep fighting it and winning because I know I have to this time.   Sick or not, he has got to take responsibility for his illness and work on getting better.  In the meantime I will continue to work on enjoying the time alone.   

DITTO to all of this, 1bravegirl!  I'm right there with ya, in the very same place.

I was also hyper-committed; took my marriage vows quite seriously, in fact, felt I had no choices regarding the marriage since I promised "til death do us part."  Then I realized that I was honoring an "ideal" over people (myself and children were being trampled); that my marriage was NOT a marriage as God intended - I now look at it as a "fake" marriage, full of dishonesty, fear, and sickness.  It does feel different though, when you have never lived this way before!  Thanks for sharing... .  xoxox

[9reasons]

DITTO to all of this, 1bravegirl!  I'm right there with ya, in the very same place.

I was also hyper-committed; took my marriage vows quite seriously, in fact, felt I had no choices regarding the marriage since I promised "til death do us part."  Then I realized that I was honoring an "ideal" over people (myself and children were being trampled); that my marriage was NOT a marriage as God intended - I now look at it as a "fake" marriage, full of dishonesty, fear, and sickness.  It does feel different though, when you have never lived this way before!  Thanks for sharing... .  xoxox

This is interesting picturelady... ."til death do us part" implies that both partners should be healthy and committed... .I wonder what the bible would say about BPD or something similar?

[picturelady]

You're so right, 9reasons!

If God were standing right here, I think He would've told me to protect my children and myself, starting with the very first rage long ago... .I realize that I thought I was setting boundaries with my h by talking to him (arguing!), telling him that he couldn't treat us this way... .but I did nothing about it to follow through - so in essence I enabled him.

Funny - my father, who is very religious, is having a hard time with my separation.  Even though he has seen glimpses of the rage - and feared it himself - and seen the devastating effects on my children - he prefers to stay in his black-and-white world of "marriage is right, divorce is wrong."  He feels sorry for my h who is now playing the victim... .wish dad felt sorry for the carnage wreaked in our family.  (Dad has a lot of his own unresolved stuff from an abusive childhood).  I am trying to learn to stand on my own and not need his approval. 

[9reasons]

Yes picturelady,, we all learn through consequences!   I had to learn that lesson too, I would complain, object, argue, etc. but it was not until I put consequences in place, AND meant them, that changes started. I am not sure if this is going to work yet, I wish I had realised about setting boundaries and following through if they are violated, years ago, but I guess it is better late than never!

Also it sounds like you got married to finish some unfinished business you have with you father! Oh joy... .so did I! LOL Tonight I can see the amusing side but it is not always like that when things get heavy... .but the best thing we can do picturelady is to learn the lessons, let go and take good care of ourselves, we deserve to be happy too... .and we will be! 

[picturelady]

I tried so, so many times to get him to change... .in the end I gave our relationship a month, I had had enough and I was wanting to get out but still being fair to him by giving him one last, more formal, chance to change. He took three weeks out of that month to change but then, out of the blue, he did... .a bit.

This has now blown my plan, I had it all worked out

Letting go is scary... .however I wish he would make it easier for me by being one of the BPD's who rage and have affairs... .he is a cluster 2, high functioning BPD who has a sensitive side and morals... .sigh! Having said that... .he is completely ego-centric, like an adult child,

[[/quote]
I just read this, 9reasons, and your situation sounds so similar to mine!  Same thing on the type of BPDh... .they are cut of the same bolt of cloth.

I also gave my h more time to change... .I kept seeing signs... .and I developed hope again... .

But then I came to realize that he had simply gone "underground."  He was just trying to jump through the hoops and appear changed - it was really just another way to hang onto me.  I think if they don't change because they realize the damage they are doing to others, and if they don't change to get healthier, buying into it themselves,, it won't stick.   It just prolonged my agony.  He definitely "toned down" the rages and other stuff... .but then when I saw him in "stealth mode" - going back to old, damaging behaviors with the kids (albeit more quietly),  I knew that was it for me.  I just couldn't partner with that anymore. 

I hope your situation turns out differently than mine!  All the best to you - thanks again for your posts. I find them very insightful.  xoxox

[9reasons]

Mmmm, I hear you picturelady. I wonder sometimes if our types are not the worst type in a way as they keep you guessing... .anyway there is a marvellous test coming up for him shortly that will blow his cover if he has gone underground... .(interesting expression and sums him up to a tee) my dear eldest daughter who is 21 may be moving back in for a while... .he was extremely jealous of her... .at the moment he is being great, bought me roses, being very attentive... .I even thought about suggesting staying where he is and not getting any closer    that would suit me!  It is when he comes a few steps nearer, he runs for his life... .and our intimacy is lost once more. However if the scathing comments and the dangerous manipulations come back... .well I am just over that. So I am watching to see how long it lasts... .He does tend to do things like this out of the blue... .so I haven't yet determined whether it is through fear or a desire to change that he is making this effort. Thanks for the insights picturelady  xoxo

[roni-nator]

Skip, take 100% responsibility for the relationships makes it sound like we should be responsible for everything that happened, and that is what got me in this mess in the first place is taking responsibility for everything while the BPD took no responsibility.  I think I get your meaning, but wouldn't it be clearer and more accurate to say take 100% responsibility for what you brought to the relationship?  I don't mean to be argumentative, but I guess this is a pet peeve of mine in that I took 100% responsibility for me and multiple BPD's for so long that just to see that sentence hits me in the solar plexus.

Thank you.

[1bravegirl]

First of all, I have to thank you for helping me take a walk down memory lane and remember how far I have come.

I just read my posts from 1 month out of my very abusive r with a h with BPD and it was quite interesting to read my words from 5-09.    I feel that the article is meant to be applied like this...

We take full responsibility for our part in the relationship, not for their behavior.  We cannot be responsible for what another person does or does not do, but we have to be accountable to ourselves to some degree for what we have allowed to go on or what we have continued to put up with.

We also can become so blinded by what "they have done" to bring us to this point, because of the illness that they refused to get help for, that we fail to see all the area's that we needed to work on and allow the experience from that relationship to continue to teach us many things about ourselves/ forget what they did or did not do.

What did we do or what should we have done to make it different?  How can we apply the things we have learned from the past now and make our lives as fulfilling as possible?  

So many things we can learn about ourselves and where we fell short and so many ways we can keep benefiting from our past trials remembering the strength and courage we have learned to have within ourselves.  By living thru that ordeal and finding ourself along the way...   We learned to understand ourselves better and  apply the tools from this board and we have continued to become stronger and independent from their toxicity...

We have become very insightful to many things, and we have the choice to keep our energy for change, positive within us and always growing stronger and stronger, and never allow it to be dependent on what anyone else does or doesn't do.

That is what I have learned through all of this and what it means to take 100% of the responsibility that I bear for allowing the 24 yr marriage to continue under the worst of circumstances...  

And with all that I have learned about myself and what I can do when I put my mind to something and how you can completely turn your life around even at almost 50 and be just as good as when you were 30 but better!  cause you are smarter now!  

With all of this positivity of learning about what changing myself has done for me... I gladly take full responsibility for my part and look forward to getting better and better as each day goes by... now that I am living a stress free life...   Thank you so much bpdfamily.com Board for all the support you have given me to become the person I am today!   I love YOU>>> all!.  

love 1bg

[roni-nator]

This is clearer now.  When I first looked at this post, it only had the list of five sentences and the word more with three dots after it underneath.  When I pressed more, nothing came up.  So, all I had to work with were the five sentences.  And, there were no other posts for anyone else.  I don't think I really know how to use this website very good yet cuz I obviously didn't use article reviews correctly or very well.

After I got on the thread and it started to show up under "show new replies to your posts" suddenly the whole article is there as well as other people's posts, which there were a lot of.  After reading all of that, it makes a lot more sense and still helps.

Even after that though, my own pet peeve makes me want to see the sentence say take 100% responsibility for your own actions only in the relationship, but taking the time to read it explains that is what is meant.  So, I can live with that.  This only lets me see that I have some real anger to get over for the times I took more than my share of responsibility.

Thank you.

[thekoontess]

Good article!

[Kettlepot]

We take full responsibility for our part in the relationship, not for their behavior.  We cannot be responsible for what another person does or does not do, but we have to be accountable to ourselves to some degree for what we have allowed to go on or what we have continued to put up with.

We also can become so blinded by what "they have done" to bring us to this point, because of the illness that they refused to get help for, that we fail to see all the areas that we needed to work on and allow the experience from that relationship to continue to teach us many things about ourselves/ forget what they did or did not do.[/quote

Excellent article and thread.

[SlyQQ]

couldnt agree more with last reply zero applicable to BPD

[Shankz]

wow! great article! love it! keep sharing like this

[unicorn2014]

New here, so forgive me if I step on toes.

This article is about leaving a normal relationship.  A person suffering with BPD cannot give, receive or allow an exit from a relationship.  I have "divorced" my mother recently.  I have spent the last months in agony because of screened telephone calls,  cruel voice mails and worse yet,  her trying to turn the family against me for hurting her so badly.  This is a lose-lose situation.  I would love to let go... .but she is in my face.  Family members have called to tell me that I am cruel.  But I have to get out and away from her.  She will not seek treatment, she is attacking my sons emotionally.  It is frightening.  So, if I was going to end a marriage or dating situation, this article would be great... .and is.  But what about leaving a relationship with a sociopath?

I am scared of getting pulled in again, having night terrors and feel so very guilty.  My childhood PTSD is running unchecked.  Therapy helps, but real life keeps creeping in.

Susan

just so you know leaving a dating situation isn't any easier either. I think BPD are the same across the board regardless of the relationship.