Why do I continue to go back?

[berry]

Been a long time since I posted.  I have been involved on and off for the last four years with a borderline woman.  I am in a long term open relationship with someone else, and initially had an affair.  Many years ago I was truthful with my partner, and she has accepted (at least for now) the continuing ups and downs.

I have broken up so many times I can't count.  It always starts the same way.  She does something so terrible I can't continue, and I break it off.  Usually go no contact for weeks or a few months; then she starts to put out feelers.  Then shows up somehow.  This time I hadn't seen her for almost three months (total no contact) and she came to an event where she knew I would be.  That's all it took. 

After all the pain and resolve, I immediately caved; let her come over; we had sex and now she is ecstatic to be back in my life.  Non stop texting and emailing.  I can tell she is scared of losing me again.

She is in a relationship.  Lies to her partner.  Lies to me on a regular basis.

I cannot seem to break away.  I always tell myself I can do this.  Buy why?  The connection is like a drug; but the end is always the same.  I am baffled by my own behavior.  I also have no illusions any more about her illness.  It never changes.  I see it more clearly, but feel powerless to stay away.  Each time is longer with NC, but then faster to connect when she puts herself on my path.

The cycle feels never ending, even though I know I can behave in a way that does keep the boundary.  I know that NC must be maintained.  I have been in therapy for the last three years.  That has helped give me distance and perspective. 

Every time I leave, I am certain I am done.  And then I'm not.

[OnceConfused]

She is in a relationship.  Lies to her partner.

She is in a R.S but yet she is back with you. ? Do you think that is NORMAL ?

Doing things the same way and expect a different result is pure lunatic.

It sounds like your therapy has not helped at all because you still want to do the same thing.

Why do you think you still come back to her even deep inside you know the return is short lived ?

Write down all your thoughts and analysis as to why you keep coming back . That will help you see yourself in a better pictures. Then fight them. Alcoholics will stop drinking only 1 day at a time.

Good luck. I know it is hard because it took me over 3 months to leave the xBPDgf.

[Herodias]

I kept going back to my husband every time we split up. It was always over a BIG issue... .they kept getting bigger! Why would you do this to your current r/s? Make the effort there and forget this pwBPD... .It is never going to get any better. I have learned the hard way as many of us here have. I have spent 8 1/2 years of my life in this drama... .wasted time that could have been better spent. I am learning what is normal and what to expect through church and alanon. Everyone has their coping mechanisms, find one that supports you in the proper way. I was told to think of mine as the devil- he calls himself that as well, so it's easy to do. I need to stay far away, because nothing but bad comes to me when he comes around. Besides , he now has a gf that he is using as well... .she cheated on her husband with mine and has the nerve to post comments on FB about how she will never cheat on him! It all makes me laugh! There are allot of insane people out there- try not to be one yourself. You cannot attract good people in your life if you hang around the bad... .

[Sadly]

I don't know but someone on here told me about malignant hope, I guess that's why I keep putting up with it.

[problemsolver]

Been a long time since I posted.  I have been involved on and off for the last four years with a borderline woman.  I am in a long term open relationship with someone else, and initially had an affair.  Many years ago I was truthful with my partner, and she has accepted (at least for now) the continuing ups and downs.

I have broken up so many times I can't count.  It always starts the same way.  She does something so terrible I can't continue, and I break it off.  Usually go no contact for weeks or a few months; then she starts to put out feelers.  Then shows up somehow.  This time I hadn't seen her for almost three months (total no contact) and she came to an event where she knew I would be.  That's all it took. 

After all the pain and resolve, I immediately caved; let her come over; we had sex and now she is ecstatic to be back in my life.  Non stop texting and emailing.  I can tell she is scared of losing me again.

She is in a relationship.  Lies to her partner.  Lies to me on a regular basis.

I cannot seem to break away.  I always tell myself I can do this.  Buy why?  The connection is like a drug; but the end is always the same.  I am baffled by my own behavior.  I also have no illusions any more about her illness.  It never changes.  I see it more clearly, but feel powerless to stay away.  Each time is longer with NC, but then faster to connect when she puts herself on my path.

The cycle feels never ending, even though I know I can behave in a way that does keep the boundary.  I know that NC must be maintained.  I have been in therapy for the last three years.  That has helped give me distance and perspective. 

Every time I leave, I am certain I am done.  And then I'm not.

Interesting , seems to be a theme on here people go back time and time again but have no idea why. This story sounds all too familiar , around what age are you and this female if you don't mind me asking?

[berry]

Thanks for the comments and direct feedback.  It's what I need to hear. 

Problemsolv:  I am 53 and she is 46.  I have a successful and fulfilling career, and am otherwise emotionally balanced and stable.  Life is very good for me.  This relationship is insane.  She asked me the other day if I thought we were over this last time.  I said I fully believe that every time.  And I do. 

[scgator]

Been a long time since I posted.  I have been involved on and off for the last four years with a borderline woman.  I am in a long term open relationship with someone else, and initially had an affair.  Many years ago I was truthful with my partner, and she has accepted (at least for now) the continuing ups and downs.

I have broken up so many times I can't count.  It always starts the same way.  She does something so terrible I can't continue, and I break it off.  Usually go no contact for weeks or a few months; then she starts to put out feelers.  Then shows up somehow.  This time I hadn't seen her for almost three months (total no contact) and she came to an event where she knew I would be.  That's all it took. 

After all the pain and resolve, I immediately caved; let her come over; we had sex and now she is ecstatic to be back in my life.  Non stop texting and emailing.  I can tell she is scared of losing me again.

She is in a relationship.  Lies to her partner.  Lies to me on a regular basis.

I cannot seem to break away.  I always tell myself I can do this.  Buy why?  The connection is like a drug; but the end is always the same.  I am baffled by my own behavior.  I also have no illusions any more about her illness.  It never changes.  I see it more clearly, but feel powerless to stay away.  Each time is longer with NC, but then faster to connect when she puts herself on my path.

The cycle feels never ending, even though I know I can behave in a way that does keep the boundary.  I know that NC must be maintained.  I have been in therapy for the last three years.  That has helped give me distance and perspective. 

Every time I leave, I am certain I am done.  And then I'm not.

Interesting , seems to be a theme on here people go back time and time again but have no idea why. This story sounds all too familiar , around what age are you and this female if you don't mind me asking?

I think what others say on here is right, the relationship is an addiction. I've done some reading on trauma bonding and that seems to be part of it too. It's hard to stay away, that's for sure.

[TheRealJongoBong]

It's an addiction, it always was.  They make us feel so good at first, that's the reason we got sucked in to begin with. Then they make us feel so bad that when they come around again and push our feel good buttons it really feels good. Sounds just like alcohol or heroin, eh?

And just like alcohol or heroin, what the BP or NP feeds us is just as empty and hollow. The reason our feel good buttons work to begin with is that we have an emptiness inside that we feel needs to be filled. That's what we need to work on. What is the source of my emptiness? What do I feel if my feel good buttons aren't being pushed? What happened to me a long time ago that makes me feel that way? What judgements did I make about myself back then?

[borderdude]

The short answer:

* The BPD took something "from you" , and now you want to return to the RS for you having it back.

the long answer:

* please help me

[berry]

I ultimately decided after just a few days that everything felt the same in a really bad way.  As soon as I let that in, and realized that I am the problem, I found the way out.  I read the great comments here and thought why am I inviting this into my life?  So I told her I did not want to be involved anymore, and she was angry and hurt.  Said I lied about having no expectations of her; and she was right.  I validated that for her and realized that the way she is capable of loving will never work for me.  We parted peacefully for now and I have heard from her a few times via email, but I feel a lot better about breaking through the denial and facing this.  Is about me.  She never changes, but I must or I will always go back. 

[ShadowIntheNight]

Actually it might do you good to read up on "trauma bonding." It basically is a bond that is created by continually breaking up and making up. It can alter your brain to the point that you are addicted (literally) to the highs and lows the breakup/makeup drama creates. Goggle it.

It is also likened to "Stockholm syndrome."

[berry]

Thanks for the suggestion... .good thoughts.  I do think there is trauma bonding.  We've done this dance for four years.  I feel such shame when I read over my journals and realize I keep saying and going the same thing.

[kairorose]

It's an addiction, it always was.  They make us feel so good at first, that's the reason we got sucked in to begin with. Then they make us feel so bad that when they come around again and push our feel good buttons it really feels good. Sounds just like alcohol or heroin, eh?

And just like alcohol or heroin, what the BP or NP feeds us is just as empty and hollow. The reason our feel good buttons work to begin with is that we have an emptiness inside that we feel needs to be filled. That's what we need to work on. What is the source of my emptiness? What do I feel if my feel good buttons aren't being pushed? What happened to me a long time ago that makes me feel that way? What judgements did I make about myself back then?

LOVED THIS POINT U MADE... THIS HAS GOT TO BE THE ANSWER! but it is very hard as you all know to break away from what feels safe, secure or predictable... .smh