Got an email from my ex

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

After 3 years together, its been 7 months since I've talked to her. I was in a great mood today until the hour I got this. Weird how that works. I checked my inbox an hour later and found this:

"Hey

I'll start off saying that I'm not expecting a reply or anything.

Maybe this is selfish of me but there's been an underlying feeling of guilt I haven't been able to shake off. I feel like I need to apologize for my own bad/angry behavior and take responsibility for the way I acted. Over the years there was a lot going on and it didn't put me into a healthy frame of mind. So... .I'm sorry. And I'm not trying to argue or change what happened. It's done. I acknowledge that I wasn't always the easiest person to get along with at the time. I know you text me months ago asking for closure-- the wounds were still too fresh for me to be civil about it.

If I want to hold other people up to this standard, I feel I need to do the same for myself.

So if you read this, thanks.

Take care"

I don't know if her new guy has helped her realize some of her shortcomings or she's just feeling secure enough in their relationship that she feels she can finally say something not painting me black but... .The message seems pretty straightforward but could she be painting me white again? It irritates me that she has this new perspective after getting with my replacement. Like he's helping her.

I'm not sure if I should respond either. I have a feeling this is from one of those brief moments of clarity and with the ease with which she can cut people off I guess I meant a lot to her for her to actually take -some- accountability.

Ah but. No mention of being sorry she gave me a permanent STI.

And the whole implication seems to be that -now- she's sane and rational. This is weird cause she was diagnosed with BPD yet her writing seems to take the attitude of, I -was- bad, -was- not on a good frame of mind.

[disorderedsociety]

After 3 years together, its been 7 months since I've talked to her. I was in a great mood today until the hour I got this. Weird how that works. I checked my inbox an hour later and found this:

"Hey

I'll start off saying that I'm not expecting a reply or anything.

Maybe this is selfish of me but there's been an underlying feeling of guilt I haven't been able to shake off. I feel like I need to apologize for my own bad/angry behavior and take responsibility for the way I acted. Over the years there was a lot going on and it didn't put me into a healthy frame of mind. So... .I'm sorry. And I'm not trying to argue or change what happened. It's done. I acknowledge that I wasn't always the easiest person to get along with at the time. I know you text me months ago asking for closure-- the wounds were still too fresh for me to be civil about it.

If I want to hold other people up to this standard, I feel I need to do the same for myself.

So if you read this, thanks.

Take care"

I don't know if her new guy has helped her realize some of her shortcomings or she's just feeling secure enough in their relationship that she feels she can finally say something not painting me black but... .The message seems pretty straightforward but could she be painting me white again? It irritates me that she has this new perspective after getting with my replacement. Like he's helping her.

I'm not sure if I should respond either. I have a feeling this is from one of those brief moments of clarity and with the ease with which she can cut people off I guess I meant a lot to her for her to actually take -some- accountability.

Ah but. No mention of being sorry she gave me a permanent STI.

And the whole implication seems to be that -now- she's sane and rational. This is weird cause she was diagnosed with BPD yet her writing seems to take the attitude of, I -was- bad, -was- not on a good frame of mind.

[reflection]

Maybe she's not doing well with her current bf and wants some attention from her exes.

You are feeling okay and were in a great mood today without her. Why risk losing it by communicating with her?

[disorderedsociety]

So... .in that case, the letter would actually mean:

"Hey

I'll start off saying that I'm expecting a reply.

This is selfish of me and there's always been an underlying feeling of guilt deep inside my being that I haven't been able to shake off. I feel like I need to act sorry about my own bad/angry behavior and say I'm taking responsibility for the way I acted even though I'm absolutely insane. So... .I'm not actually sorry. I'm really just trying to either argue or rewrite history even though it's done. I acknowledge that I may or may not have manipulated and lied to you. I know you text me months ago asking for closure-- your wounds were still too fresh for me to pretend to be civil to get your attention.

I want to hold other people up to this standard, but I don't feel I need to do the same for myself.

So if you read this, please reply.

Please"

[Beach_Babe]

It is what you want it to be. Most of us would kill for this type of closure. I think it's OK to reply "thanks" and move on.

[reflection]

Agree that a simple "thanks" would suffice. She left you in the dark for 7 months. I am sure you remember how painful that was/is. Giving her any acknowledgement almost immediately would be more than generous.

Sorry if I sound harsh. I've just read so many stories of people who started communicating with their BPD exes and ended up hurt again.

[disorderedsociety]

Well, I figured it was now or never so I simply said "Thanks."

Too early? Eh who cares.

[Loosestrife]

Well, I figured it was now or never so I simply said "Thanks."

Too early? Eh who cares.

Sounds like she may be doing 12 steps. I think your riply was kind. Well done.

[Beach_Babe]

It's not an easy thing to reach out. What if the shoe were on the other foot? Wouldn't you appreciate a response?  

[reflection]

Well, I figured it was now or never so I simply said "Thanks."

Too early? Eh who cares.

I meant that you are already being very kind to her if you thank her almost immediately after receiving the message so it's sufficient. I wouldn't play games and delay a response on purpose either.

It's not an easy thing to reach out. What if the shoe were on the other foot? Wouldn't you appreciate a response?  

I definitely would appreciate a response and would be hurt if I had to wait for one for 7 months.

Anyway, hope you are feeling better again disorderedsociety.

[disorderedsociety]

Well, I figured it was now or never so I simply said "Thanks."

Too early? Eh who cares.

I meant that you are already being very kind to her if you thank her almost immediately after receiving the message so it's sufficient. I wouldn't play games and delay a response on purpose either.

It's not an easy thing to reach out. What if the shoe were on the other foot? Wouldn't you appreciate a response?  

I definitely would appreciate a response and would be hurt if I had to wait for one for 7 months.

Anyway, hope you are feeling better again disorderedsociety.

Thank you. I'm feeling quite neutral. Going to try to sleep since I have to work tomorrow 

[Infern0]

She won't leave it at that.

[Pretty Woman]

Given what I know, what I've read, what I've experienced... .

Seven months is a long time. During that seven months you ruminated about her, cried and you never thought you'd hear from her again.

The best way to handle this?  No reply. It sounds like a moment of clarity, of taking responsibility, but the only time my ex ever did anything close to that was when she was trying to get me back.

I would take it for what it is and leave it be. Even responding "thanks" will open up a can of worms and set you back in your healing.

Don't let this one email ruin your hard work.

You have come so far.

Remember how lonely you felt and all the bad stuff. Dont think about it too long. Just think about it a little. I think that might outweigh the email.

Good luck to you!

PW

[Pretty Woman]

Ok I just read you replied.

Let us know if she answers.

PW

[apollotech]

"Hey

I'll start off saying that I'm not expecting a reply or anything.

Maybe this is selfish of me but there's been an underlying feeling of guilt I haven't been able to shake off. I feel like I need to apologize for my own bad/angry behavior and take responsibility for the way I acted. Over the years there was a lot going on and it didn't put me into a healthy frame of mind. So... .I'm sorry. And I'm not trying to argue or change what happened. It's done. I acknowledge that I wasn't always the easiest person to get along with at the time. I know you text me months ago asking for closure-- the wounds were still too fresh for me to be civil about it.

If I want to hold other people up to this standard, I feel I need to do the same for myself.

So if you read this, thanks.

Take care"

disordered,

This looks like a feeler to me wrapped in an "apolgy" wrapper. I say that because I don't see a sincere apology. I do see a blanket "I'm sorry" which isn't attached to anything. To me, that is an apology sans responsibility. She "acknowledges" her actions, but she never says they were wrong. The "wrong" is implied, but not admitted/accepted. In other words, I do not see her tieing herself to what she did, no responsibility.

I don't see this as you painted white. Because she opened communications, I do see it as you no longer being painted black. If you begin seeing signs of idealization, assuming the communications continue, then you'll know that you've been painted white.

You have control here. While keeping her well-being in mind, do what is best for you.

[disorderedsociety]

It could be that since she's pregnant again she's not taking her Lexapro, hence the acting out. Either way just saying "thanks" has a way of acknowledging any positive intention while not feeding into any emotional triggers imo. It's pretty confusing, like is she actually sorry or just trying to get back into my good graces?

[Pretty Woman]

Nothing they do makes sense. We are our worst enemies reading into anything.  Try not to do this. You said "thanks" kept it short and sweet.

[disorderedsociety]

She won't leave it at that.

Well after two attempts at contact via text I then get an email. It's like she gets occupied with the new guy (averting abandonment,) forgets about me (lack of object permanence) and then puts a half-assed apology out there to try to get me to talk to her. If she actually is serious, I think a short thanks works fine. I'll post any response but I doubt she'll say anything else unless it somehow makes sense for her to in her world.

[Beach_Babe]

Disorderedsociety: you've just hit the nail on the head! It's all about them. Only if it "makes sense to her."

How are you today?  Any response/news?

[disorderedsociety]

Disorderedsociety: you've just hit the nail on the head! It's all about them. Only if it "makes sense to her."

How are you today?  Any response/news?

That's what I was thinking about today! Like, yes I miss her and wish it could've been different. But anything I think she felt or does or thinks now, or even then is pretty much my own version of it. Everything was about her, which is made glaringly obvious by how much I think about it even now.

And now this dysfunctional thinking I adopted to deal with her has carried over with me. Every day is a struggle to see things from others' points of view and most of my interactions with people feel soulless.

Nope, no response. I shouldn't have even responded, maybe that way I'd keep her on her toes. Then again, I felt it was the right thing to do (if such a thing exists with a person with borderline features) to just affirm that I appreciated any potential actual remorse.

So its like either she's unsatisfied and already senses he's not as into her as before, or she's comfortable enough in the relationship (has him hooked) that she feels its ok to apologize. Or it could be a feeler? Agh! Who knows?

[hopealways]

It's a feeler, she is fishing. Remorse as nons know it is not part of the BPD mindset.  Any attempt at remorse is really nothing more than seeing what your reaction will be to get validation for their inner emptiness. Even a "thanks" by you validates her existence.  It's all so sad.

[disorderedsociety]

But the validation goes to the false self yeah?

[hopealways]

But the validation goes to the false self yeah?

Yes, and in general people with a sense of emptiness need constant validation. BPD even more.

[Fr4nz]

Disordered,

I don't know, to me it sounds a sincere apology... .but you never know with a cluster B :D

Anyway, the only way to understand what is in the mind of your ex is to watch out for future messages/actions and see what she wants to communicate. Only then you will realize her true intentions.

[disorderedsociety]

Disordered,

I don't know, to me it sounds a sincere apology... .but you never know with a cluster B :D

Anyway, the only way to understand what is in the mind of your ex is to watch out for future messages/actions and see what she wants to communicate. Only then you will realize her true intentions.

Well, I certainly didn't get any response, so who knows? Now I'm second guessing everything.