Always the bad guy ~

[Dukedaddy]

I've been in a relationship with her for 12 years now. She has Always been quirky but over the last year it has gotten bad. After finding bottles of vodka in the laundry room and seeing her trashed at our 4 year old son's birthday party, I confronted her about the drinking.  She goes on rampage about show everything that is wrong in her life is my fault.

I'm not perfect... I totally admit that. I work a computer job and.make good money and try and provide for my family the best I can.  

After discussing this with some people and doing research I really think she has some level of BPD. She always has had low self esteem issues, and has been a fast dangerous driver with 4-6 accidents and many speed tix since I've known her.

She has a black belt in arguing and will bring stuff up from many years past to inflict damage... or if she has no ammo then she resorts to poor me and she is worthless. She is intelligent but lacks any drive and makes no decisions about any career option.


How much is BPD derived from parents? Her mom has crazy mood swings and is viscous in arguments. I'm pretty sure she has damaged her and her 2 sisters, who are both messed up also.

If anyone has tips on how to best deal with people who suffer from this disorder. I would be grateful. Also what is the long term outlook and is there any hope to have a normal life?  

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[ForeverDad]

On the one hand, improvement is possible, even recovery is possible.  But... .She would have to want to change. She would have to (eventually) stop the Denial, Blaming and Blame Shifting.  She would have to seriously participate in meaningful therapy and apply it diligently in her life.  We're speaking years and not a few sessions or a few months.  Yes, small setbacks or relapses would happen along the way but there would have to be solid overall progress toward recovery.

Would she do that?  Really do it, not just going through the motions or attending a few sessions and declaring herself okay?  That's the gazillion dollar question.  Only she can answer that, you can't fix her and you can't make her fix herself.

The behaviors you've described are very typical for Borderline PD.  Whether or not you can get a diagnosis -- court often couldn't care less about a diagnosis since they usually deal just with the behaviors and don't try to change the persons -- it's up to you to take your life back and set firmer boundaries of behavior.  You need them, your child needs them.  The sad part is that no matter what you do or don't do, there is high risk the marriage will fail.  Actually, it's on that path, failing now, right?  It takes two to make a marriage healthy, vibrant and functional, it only takes one to be obstructive, sabotaging, unhealthy and dysfunctional.

There can be a variety of causative factors, FOO (family of origin) is one of them, the childhood home environment.  There may also be some genetic tendencies.  Whether or not you can nail down specific causes isn't the main issue, it's what to do with the current situation.

The years of collective experience here in peer support is priceless.  Many here will Pay It Forward to you, experiences, conclusions, strategies, tactics, education, skill sets, what generally works, what generally doesn't work, etc.  Others here will point you to some of the threads and workshops with skills explained and taught here, they will help greatly.  They will definitely help you and your daughter.  How much it helps your relationship with your spouse is, sadly, largely up to her.  As the old saying goes, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink.  So do try to improve the family situation but also be fully aware that if that proves unsuccessful (it is an exceedingly difficult disorder to deal with) then you will need to take needed steps for yourself, for your protection and future, as well as for your children's protection and future.

[Turkish]

Hello Dukedaddy,

There's a lot going on here, and I'm sorry that your wife's drinking seems to have worsened. To answer the family question, it sounds like she came from a very dysfunctional family. The substance abuse is likely a coping mechanism to soothe inner pain. It's said that the pain gets projected onto loved ones, especially your S4. How is he dealing with things? I have S5 and D3, so I know that its a tender age where children see things as they see them through age appropriate eyes. Take a look at the lessons to the right of this board. They can help you make sense of things and there are resources to help you protect your son by learning to validate his feelings and also raising him to be emotionally resilient. As you recognize from his mom's family, it is important to have someone stable to center a child; otherwise, they may grow up only knowing instability and chaos, at risk for perhaps developing BPD traits themselves. I have a BPD mother, and while I'm nowhere close to being BPD, I do have some unhealthy coping mechanisms as a result. I never had a dad, so it's awesome that your son has you in his corner  

As for you and his mom? While the alcohol abuse adds another layer,.we have tools on the Staying Board which can help you understand the BPD traits, learn communication skills developed by leading experts in the disorder (to help reduce conflict), and for you to assert your own boundaries in a healthy way:

Lessons for Members who are in a Relationship

I encourage you to post your stuggles with her over on the staying board, as senior members there can support and guide you though this. Going through the lessons and talking to other members there can help you gain perspective on what you're going through. Normal can be relative, but we can help you in making things better.

For kid related issues, keep posting here on this board.



Turkish

[ForeverDad]

A pattern of speeding and accidents are concerning, especially if the children are with her.  It would be even more concerning if she is driving with the children and intoxicated as well.  The less control she has over her driving ability the greater the risks to the children and the children's safety is a top priority.  There is a short list of behaviors that trigger intervention by children's services and one that is actionable is DUI with children.

Has that happened, whether caught by police or not?

[Dukedaddy]

Thank you all for your time.

My number one concern is for the safety and well-being of our son. Luckily there have been no safety or legal problems so far.

The only way I can cope with her behavior is to become quiet and reclusive. Basically not giving her ammo to start arguments with. She will then be mad at me for being too quiet and in bad mood.

The bright side is that when she is mad at me... she is then overly nice to our son and cat. So it looks like I have to take one for the team and deal with it. 

[OffRoad]

Thank you all for your time.

My number one concern is for the safety and well-being of our son. Luckily there have been no safety or legal problems so far.

The only way I can cope with her behavior is to become quiet and reclusive. Basically not giving her ammo to start arguments with. She will then be mad at me for being too quiet and in bad mood.

The bright side is that when she is mad at me... she is then overly nice to our son and cat. So it looks like I have to take one for the team and deal with it. 

Things will only get worse that way. Your withdrawal is abandonment. It'd be abandonment in a marriage with a person WITHOUT BPD, too, BTW. Your best bet would be to learn about validation. It is acknowledging what she says without agreeing or disagreeing with it. You find information about that in the lessons here. Good luck.