No margin for error?

[ptilda]

It feels like I'm being made to walk the high-wire carrying our marriage on my back and him standing below waiting for me to slip so he can blame me for destroying our marriage.  Where is the grace? When do I get to be human?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Daniell85]

I guess this is what people mean when they talk about self care. When you are feeling overwhelmed, taking a break and doing something for yourself.

Personally, what I am finding, is the situation is turning into a slow grind that is taking off all the edges I had of getting human need met by my boyfriend. I am feeling anger, depression, apathy. It is pervasive.

There is maybe some switch that will flip at some point, and maybe we will be at peace over these things. I don't know.

[turbo squash]

It feels like I'm being made to walk the high-wire carrying our marriage on my back and him standing below waiting for me to slip so he can blame me for destroying our marriage.  Where is the grace? When do I get to be human?

I don't have an answer for you there unfortunately.

This past week, I was having a horrendous day and reached out to my wife for help. We had been talking, but as soon as I reached out for help, she stopped talking to me and ignored me the rest of the day.

The next day when I got upset about her withdrawing at the exact moment that I needed her help, she got upset at me. 

Annnnd she went right back to her affair partner. That fast. Or maybe she never left him in the first place. Regardless, this time when I confronted her about it again, she didn't even try to deny it at all.

The hard part for me was learning to accept what my wife is willing to do to improve the marriage. She has known for a long time that she has BPD. She has known for a long time that she needs to be medicated and that she needs to stay in therapy. In a startling moment of clarity recently, she apologized for letting her mental health decay so much and she apologized for being so terrible to me.

Throughout our entire separation we have frequently discussed how important therapy is... .yet in the last 2.5 months she has only been to 2-3 appointments. She doesn't take care of her physical health either. She was supposed to come help me out with something last night, but when I didn't text her back immediately and ended up texting her back 20 minutes later, she had determined that I was ignoring her and she proceeded to not eat dinner and get so drunk that she couldn't drive to meet me like she said she would.

I realize that plenty of people with BPD won't make the choices that my wife has made and that they will get help and they will take care of themselves... .but my wife seems to not be one of those people that wants to take care of themselves.

I really feel for you ptilda. I kept on wondering the same thing throughout the last 2.5 months that we have been separated. I have come to realize that she won't let me be a normal human with feelings, wants, and needs anytime soon, if ever again. I hope that your husband won't be like my wife.   

[thisagain]

Hugs to all   I feel the same way.

[ptilda]

I guess this is what people mean when they talk about self care. When you are feeling overwhelmed, taking a break and doing something for yourself.

Personally, what I am finding, is the situation is turning into a slow grind that is taking off all the edges I had of getting human need met by my boyfriend. I am feeling anger, depression, apathy. It is pervasive.

There is maybe some switch that will flip at some point, and maybe we will be at peace over these things. I don't know.

I've realized the past few days that I'm really angry with him. He loves me. He doesn't want to divorce me. He checks up on me every day now. He finds ways to see me. But he's not stopping the divorce because all the things he said I did to him (things he actually did to ME).

And I've been talking a lot to a mutual friend. I look at this friend and ask myself why I should be waiting for someone who is discarding me, when I could be with someone like this guy who is respectful and treats me like a lady?

[married21years]

I guess this is what people mean when they talk about self care. When you are feeling overwhelmed, taking a break and doing something for yourself.

Personally, what I am finding, is the situation is turning into a slow grind that is taking off all the edges I had of getting human need met by my boyfriend. I am feeling anger, depression, apathy. It is pervasive.

There is maybe some switch that will flip at some point, and maybe we will be at peace over these things. I don't know.

I've realized the past few days that I'm really angry with him. He loves me. He doesn't want to divorce me. He checks up on me every day now. He finds ways to see me. But he's not stopping the divorce because all the things he said I did to him (things he actually did to ME).

And I've been talking a lot to a mutual friend. I look at this friend and ask myself why I should be waiting for someone who is discarding me, when I could be with someone like this guy who is respectful and treats me like a lady?

i know its hard, its projection

[lovers knot]

I feel your pain, ptilda!

I just wish that my friend with BPD and I could merely "get back to normal," like before, but I've been given the ST for a while now, and it's like torture at times. So many questions, no communication, left in the Ice Age. It's still summer, but for me I feel like I'm walking through a snow storm!

I always wonder if she'll ever paint me white again. I want her to, badly, so that we can merely talk like before, and have beautiful conversations and just be dear best friends (she has called me her best friend, the sweetest person in her life, says she misses me very much, says that she wants to "catch up," but then ... .silence again. Perhaps there's fear in her mind? We're both Christians, too, by the way! so I've been praying that God heals her [I believe in miracles, for I've seen them with my own eyes, and have had miracles happen to me over the years, etc.], and I've prayed that God just re-connect us, so that we can get back to our sweet and innocent and wonderful fellowship, companionship, etc. I've learned so much that the next time we talk, I am better prepared to stay un-emotional and completely centered, which seems to be a major key with pwBPD).

Sometimes I just feel like she's left me in a garbage dump, or on a curb, to be destroyed. Then I realize that these emotions are "personalizing" it all, and I have to catch myself and snap out of it, but this is so difficult. Human emotions take over sometimes, and I do my best to just maintain and keep hope alive. As you know, it's not easy sometimes!

I'll say a prayer for your situation!

[OffRoad]

I've realized the past few days that I'm really angry with him. He loves me. He doesn't want to divorce me. He checks up on me every day now. He finds ways to see me. But he's not stopping the divorce because all the things he said I did to him (things he actually did to ME).

And I've been talking a lot to a mutual friend. I look at this friend and ask myself why I should be waiting for someone who is discarding me, when I could be with someone like this guy who is respectful and treats me like a lady?

Sadly, this is your life with a pwBPD. You can't control what they do. You can only control what you do. I've been down the blame trail. Being told I did something I didn't do is not only a trigger for me, it is THE hot button. My uBPDh has never done that until 6 months ago. (previous blame most likely had a grain of truth, so I figured I had done something wrong-that's how good they are at convincing you that you are  at fault.)

This is what you need to decide. Fight for your relationship with a person who will never be able to support you as you can support him, or cut him loose and live a different life. I'm not sure I'd be staying at this point if I didn't have one child left at home. Only you can decide what is best for you, but keep posting if there is anything we can help with. Good luck.