Can anyone here relate to these thoughts?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Hey guys, this might turn into a long post,but I have these really annoying thoughts that im almost fighting with sometimes regarding my ex, its like, even though I know the logical reasoning behind why Im thinking it but I don't understand what I hope to gain from it, I will try and explain and maybe some of you can relate and share your experiences.

To keep my back story as short as possible, I was with my ex for 2 years (Good friends in high school 6 years earlier) she randomly added me on Facebook and she was in my life again, she had a really bad up bringing her mum was an alcoholic who beat her and let her then bf strangle her when she was only 14, so she spent her whole life in foster care, she had recently broke up with her husband of 8 years, and had 2 kids with him, shes 25 by the way.  To skip all the way to the discard she push/pulled (you all know what its like) she then dumped me when I accused her of liking pretty much every picture on Facebook of this guy, she push pulled after dumping me, and the MAIN reason why she finished it was because she was craving another baby, and I said no, so she obviously looked for another provider as she doesn't work and lives off the state.  After 3 weeks of the push/pull I nearly lost it in work it messed me up, so I then rang her and said i cant do this anymore, but I want us to stay friends, she just said "OK" then blocked my mobile, Facebook, everything, and the night after this the same guy I accused her of liking slept at her house, she was then Facebook Official with him 2 days later (used mates account to confirm this) she then fell pregnant 2 months into the new relationship (she was on the coil) There is a lot more to the discard and the build up to it, but I just want to give others a basic understanding, last day I ever saw her, she was telling me how much the kids missed me and that, and was asking how my family were, then she just started  flirting with me and said "Now you have all your stuff back you have no reason to contact me again, do you understand"? I was giggling with her and going along with it because it wasnt said in anger as she had just told me that the kids missed me and that they were all looking at pictures of me and her together in her photo album (what the heck).

My 1st thought was: is she really BPD/HPD as I studied her behavior obsessively and everything was there down to a T, but I thought how is she ok with the new guy, then educated myself, I know about the mirroring and all the psychology that goes with it.  Well I found out last week that she dumped him and the baby they have is only 1 month old, I felt so relieved to know that what I thought was in fact true, severe jealousy, rages, put downs, making him put his Facebook as private and delete all the friends he had in common with me.



(If you dont want to read the above the thought im referring to starts now)   

I KNOW that she is toxic, I know who she really is and I also know that shes better off out of my life, but this is what bothers me and Its a fight sometimes

Why has she not unblocked me? why was I blocked in the first place? and even if she did unblock me I cant win because she has another child, so its as if I want her to break contact, but its not because I have feelings for her, because I know I dont, and I also know this isn't co- dependency because I dont feel sorry for her anymore.  My relationship with her was toxic for me on a much more physiological level, I used to be the door mat, the nice guy bought her and the kids what ever made them happy, I was so caring the kind of guy that would cuddle her and wipe away her tears.  (I hope others can relate to me here) but she turned me into a narcissist, but after reading a lot into this it made sense that I was becoming her father figure, I would tell her off when she was in the wrong, and she got off on it so it took me deeper into this psychological mind set.  For example if she did something bad I would say ":)o you think think that was acceptable young lady?" and then I would always follow up with "do you understand" and then if she said yes I would say "Good girl" and she would bite her lip and would openly tell me it turned her on, it was like that in the bedroom as well, do this do that, do you understand? 

This my why im fighting my thoughts, and its so draining, she turned me into something I thought I could never become, so I know if we ever spoke again I would go back to the guy that was in the relationship, but then on the other hand I just wished I knew why I was still blocked even though she dumped that guy last week, and then I think you cant talk to her again anyway because she now has a baby.

Why am I still blocked?

Why am I the only one to stay blocked?

Why do I want to hear from her, even though I know I cant because of this baby?

Its been exactly a year since we last saw each other, as she dumped the new guy 2 weeks after their 1 year anniversary, can anyone relate to this post?

Thank you!

         

[jammo1989]

Hey guys, this might turn into a long post,but I have these really annoying thoughts that im almost fighting with sometimes regarding my ex, its like, even though I know the logical reasoning behind why Im thinking it but I don't understand what I hope to gain from it, I will try and explain and maybe some of you can relate and share your experiences.

To keep my back story as short as possible, I was with my ex for 2 years (Good friends in high school 6 years earlier) she randomly added me on Facebook and she was in my life again, she had a really bad up bringing her mum was an alcoholic who beat her and let her then bf strangle her when she was only 14, so she spent her whole life in foster care, she had recently broke up with her husband of 8 years, and had 2 kids with him, shes 25 by the way.  To skip all the way to the discard she push/pulled (you all know what its like) she then dumped me when I accused her of liking pretty much every picture on Facebook of this guy, she push pulled after dumping me, and the MAIN reason why she finished it was because she was craving another baby, and I said no, so she obviously looked for another provider as she doesn't work and lives off the state.  After 3 weeks of the push/pull I nearly lost it in work it messed me up, so I then rang her and said i cant do this anymore, but I want us to stay friends, she just said "OK" then blocked my mobile, Facebook, everything, and the night after this the same guy I accused her of liking slept at her house, she was then Facebook Official with him 2 days later (used mates account to confirm this) she then fell pregnant 2 months into the new relationship (she was on the coil) There is a lot more to the discard and the build up to it, but I just want to give others a basic understanding, last day I ever saw her, she was telling me how much the kids missed me and that, and was asking how my family were, then she just started  flirting with me and said "Now you have all your stuff back you have no reason to contact me again, do you understand"? I was giggling with her and going along with it because it wasnt said in anger as she had just told me that the kids missed me and that they were all looking at pictures of me and her together in her photo album (what the heck).

My 1st thought was: is she really BPD/HPD as I studied her behavior obsessively and everything was there down to a T, but I thought how is she ok with the new guy, then educated myself, I know about the mirroring and all the psychology that goes with it.  Well I found out last week that she dumped him and the baby they have is only 1 month old, I felt so relieved to know that what I thought was in fact true, severe jealousy, rages, put downs, making him put his Facebook as private and delete all the friends he had in common with me.



(If you dont want to read the above the thought im referring to starts now)   

I KNOW that she is toxic, I know who she really is and I also know that shes better off out of my life, but this is what bothers me and Its a fight sometimes

Why has she not unblocked me? why was I blocked in the first place? and even if she did unblock me I cant win because she has another child, so its as if I want her to break contact, but its not because I have feelings for her, because I know I dont, and I also know this isn't co- dependency because I dont feel sorry for her anymore.  My relationship with her was toxic for me on a much more physiological level, I used to be the door mat, the nice guy bought her and the kids what ever made them happy, I was so caring the kind of guy that would cuddle her and wipe away her tears.  (I hope others can relate to me here) but she turned me into a narcissist, but after reading a lot into this it made sense that I was becoming her father figure, I would tell her off when she was in the wrong, and she got off on it so it took me deeper into this psychological mind set.  For example if she did something bad I would say ":)o you think think that was acceptable young lady?" and then I would always follow up with "do you understand" and then if she said yes I would say "Good girl" and she would bite her lip and would openly tell me it turned her on, it was like that in the bedroom as well, do this do that, do you understand? 

This my why im fighting my thoughts, and its so draining, she turned me into something I thought I could never become, so I know if we ever spoke again I would go back to the guy that was in the relationship, but then on the other hand I just wished I knew why I was still blocked even though she dumped that guy last week, and then I think you cant talk to her again anyway because she now has a baby.

Why am I still blocked?

Why am I the only one to stay blocked?

Why do I want to hear from her, even though I know I cant because of this baby?

Its been exactly a year since we last saw each other, as she dumped the new guy 2 weeks after their 1 year anniversary, can anyone relate to this post?

Thank you!

         

[scgator]

Hey guys, this might turn into a long post,but I have these really annoying thoughts that im almost fighting with sometimes regarding my ex, its like, even though I know the logical reasoning behind why Im thinking it but I don't understand what I hope to gain from it, I will try and explain and maybe some of you can relate and share your experiences.

To keep my back story as short as possible, I was with my ex for 2 years (Good friends in high school 6 years earlier) she randomly added me on Facebook and she was in my life again, she had a really bad up bringing her mum was an alcoholic who beat her and let her then bf strangle her when she was only 14, so she spent her whole life in foster care, she had recently broke up with her husband of 8 years, and had 2 kids with him, shes 25 by the way.  To skip all the way to the discard she push/pulled (you all know what its like) she then dumped me when I accused her of liking pretty much every picture on Facebook of this guy, she push pulled after dumping me, and the MAIN reason why she finished it was because she was craving another baby, and I said no, so she obviously looked for another provider as she doesn't work and lives off the state.  After 3 weeks of the push/pull I nearly lost it in work it messed me up, so I then rang her and said i cant do this anymore, but I want us to stay friends, she just said "OK" then blocked my mobile, Facebook, everything, and the night after this the same guy I accused her of liking slept at her house, she was then Facebook Official with him 2 days later (used mates account to confirm this) she then fell pregnant 2 months into the new relationship (she was on the coil) There is a lot more to the discard and the build up to it, but I just want to give others a basic understanding, last day I ever saw her, she was telling me how much the kids missed me and that, and was asking how my family were, then she just started  flirting with me and said "Now you have all your stuff back you have no reason to contact me again, do you understand"? I was giggling with her and going along with it because it wasnt said in anger as she had just told me that the kids missed me and that they were all looking at pictures of me and her together in her photo album (what the heck).

My 1st thought was: is she really BPD/HPD as I studied her behavior obsessively and everything was there down to a T, but I thought how is she ok with the new guy, then educated myself, I know about the mirroring and all the psychology that goes with it.  Well I found out last week that she dumped him and the baby they have is only 1 month old, I felt so relieved to know that what I thought was in fact true, severe jealousy, rages, put downs, making him put his Facebook as private and delete all the friends he had in common with me.



(If you dont want to read the above the thought im referring to starts now)   

I KNOW that she is toxic, I know who she really is and I also know that shes better off out of my life, but this is what bothers me and Its a fight sometimes

Why has she not unblocked me? why was I blocked in the first place? and even if she did unblock me I cant win because she has another child, so its as if I want her to break contact, but its not because I have feelings for her, because I know I dont, and I also know this isn't co- dependency because I dont feel sorry for her anymore.  My relationship with her was toxic for me on a much more physiological level, I used to be the door mat, the nice guy bought her and the kids what ever made them happy, I was so caring the kind of guy that would cuddle her and wipe away her tears.  (I hope others can relate to me here) but she turned me into a narcissist, but after reading a lot into this it made sense that I was becoming her father figure, I would tell her off when she was in the wrong, and she got off on it so it took me deeper into this psychological mind set.  For example if she did something bad I would say ":)o you think think that was acceptable young lady?" and then I would always follow up with "do you understand" and then if she said yes I would say "Good girl" and she would bite her lip and would openly tell me it turned her on, it was like that in the bedroom as well, do this do that, do you understand? 

This my why im fighting my thoughts, and its so draining, she turned me into something I thought I could never become, so I know if we ever spoke again I would go back to the guy that was in the relationship, but then on the other hand I just wished I knew why I was still blocked even though she dumped that guy last week, and then I think you cant talk to her again anyway because she now has a baby.

Why am I still blocked?

Why am I the only one to stay blocked?

Why do I want to hear from her, even though I know I cant because of this baby?

Its been exactly a year since we last saw each other, as she dumped the new guy 2 weeks after their 1 year anniversary, can anyone relate to this post?

Thank you!

         

Jammo,

I can relate to a lot of this and sorry to hear it's been so rough for you. My biggest struggle has and is with "why" - for many things. Why am I blocked on FB yet she wants to see me? Why did she do and say all she did yet blame me? Why did the fantasy come crashing down? Why did I stay so long? So many whys. I'm currently in therapy and my T told me two things that helped a little. One is, the "why"s don't matter. (Easy to say, I know) That is my issue to resolve and really there are no good answers to "why" - it's the disorder.

Another thing my T did was hand me a quarter and say read the back, it says "United States of America" - well she said that is like my ex and what I want out of it is all the "t"s and none of the rest and asked if I thought that was truly possible. Of course it's not. She's a quarter, not just the "t"s and while I seem to be addicted to the "t"s I can't take the whole quarter and I know that is just who she is.

The entire situation sucks all the way around for everyone in my opinion. Yet it is what it is and the ONLY one we can change, rescue, fix, work on, improve, whatever, is ourselves. It's very hard for me personally to put the "why"s on the shelf but I think it's a necessary part of the grieving process. Accepting that the rs and my ex, was what it was and she is what she is, BPD or not, and ultimately while a band aid would feel great right now, long term this would not work out any better than it did the first time. Especially since my ex is not in thereapy, is undiagnosed and is not ready to face her issues.

[klacey3]

Hi there,

I can relate in some ways to this. The constant internal questions, why do I care? Are they really ill? Why did they blame me? Did they know what they were doing? Etc.

Unfortunately I dont have much advice, like you people tell me it doesn't matter why. I ask myself why it matters why, and why I feel so strongly like wanting to know... what would it mean to you finding out the answers or never knowing?

[joeramabeme]

Why do I want to hear from her, even though I know I cant because of this baby?

can anyone relate to this post?

I can relate.  I asked why countless times. 

Related to your post, my guess about "why" is that there is payoff for you.  When we keep doing something over and over, good or bad, there is a payoff for us.  Something about the r/s satisfied a part of you.  Maybe you felt comfortable playing the Dad role with your girl?  Gives you a sense of being in control?  Not sure.  But sounds like you need to figure out what you liked or felt comfortable about playing that role with her to get to the answer of "why". 

Sounds like you are still internally battling the feeling and now knowing what drives it makes it harder to keep away from rehashing over and over.

Hang in

[JohnnyShoes]

Hey guys, this might turn into a long post,but I have these really annoying thoughts that im almost fighting with sometimes regarding my ex, its like, even though I know the logical reasoning behind why Im thinking it but I don't understand what I hope to gain from it, I will try and explain and maybe some of you can relate and share your experiences.

To keep my back story as short as possible, I was with my ex for 2 years (Good friends in high school 6 years earlier) she randomly added me on Facebook and she was in my life again, she had a really bad up bringing her mum was an alcoholic who beat her and let her then bf strangle her when she was only 14, so she spent her whole life in foster care, she had recently broke up with her husband of 8 years, and had 2 kids with him, shes 25 by the way.  To skip all the way to the discard she push/pulled (you all know what its like) she then dumped me when I accused her of liking pretty much every picture on Facebook of this guy, she push pulled after dumping me, and the MAIN reason why she finished it was because she was craving another baby, and I said no, so she obviously looked for another provider as she doesn't work and lives off the state.  After 3 weeks of the push/pull I nearly lost it in work it messed me up, so I then rang her and said i cant do this anymore, but I want us to stay friends, she just said "OK" then blocked my mobile, Facebook, everything, and the night after this the same guy I accused her of liking slept at her house, she was then Facebook Official with him 2 days later (used mates account to confirm this) she then fell pregnant 2 months into the new relationship (she was on the coil) There is a lot more to the discard and the build up to it, but I just want to give others a basic understanding, last day I ever saw her, she was telling me how much the kids missed me and that, and was asking how my family were, then she just started  flirting with me and said "Now you have all your stuff back you have no reason to contact me again, do you understand"? I was giggling with her and going along with it because it wasnt said in anger as she had just told me that the kids missed me and that they were all looking at pictures of me and her together in her photo album (what the heck).

My 1st thought was: is she really BPD/HPD as I studied her behavior obsessively and everything was there down to a T, but I thought how is she ok with the new guy, then educated myself, I know about the mirroring and all the psychology that goes with it.  Well I found out last week that she dumped him and the baby they have is only 1 month old, I felt so relieved to know that what I thought was in fact true, severe jealousy, rages, put downs, making him put his Facebook as private and delete all the friends he had in common with me.



(If you dont want to read the above the thought im referring to starts now)   

I KNOW that she is toxic, I know who she really is and I also know that shes better off out of my life, but this is what bothers me and Its a fight sometimes

Why has she not unblocked me? why was I blocked in the first place? and even if she did unblock me I cant win because she has another child, so its as if I want her to break contact, but its not because I have feelings for her, because I know I dont, and I also know this isn't co- dependency because I dont feel sorry for her anymore.  My relationship with her was toxic for me on a much more physiological level, I used to be the door mat, the nice guy bought her and the kids what ever made them happy, I was so caring the kind of guy that would cuddle her and wipe away her tears.  (I hope others can relate to me here) but she turned me into a narcissist, but after reading a lot into this it made sense that I was becoming her father figure, I would tell her off when she was in the wrong, and she got off on it so it took me deeper into this psychological mind set.  For example if she did something bad I would say ":)o you think think that was acceptable young lady?" and then I would always follow up with "do you understand" and then if she said yes I would say "Good girl" and she would bite her lip and would openly tell me it turned her on, it was like that in the bedroom as well, do this do that, do you understand? 

This my why im fighting my thoughts, and its so draining, she turned me into something I thought I could never become, so I know if we ever spoke again I would go back to the guy that was in the relationship, but then on the other hand I just wished I knew why I was still blocked even though she dumped that guy last week, and then I think you cant talk to her again anyway because she now has a baby.

Why am I still blocked?

Why am I the only one to stay blocked?

Why do I want to hear from her, even though I know I cant because of this baby?

Its been exactly a year since we last saw each other, as she dumped the new guy 2 weeks after their 1 year anniversary, can anyone relate to this post?

Thank you!

         

Possibly blocked because she doesn't want to see if YOU moved on, or have someone else in your life... .or that you are NOT missing her.

It would hurt her to know... .so to control that fear... .she just won't deal with it by simply blocking you.

[myself]

Why am I still blocked?

Why am I the only one to stay blocked?

Why do I want to hear from her, even though I know I cant because of this baby?

Your last question is most important. So, if you take the focus off of her and ask yourself, "Why would I so drastically change who I am to be with someone who is so toxic to me?" what do you come up with? Looking into that kind of stuff is a way for us to unblock ourselves from ourselves.

[JohnnyShoes]

I found this link very interesting AND VERY helpful. It might answer some of your questions and shed some light - someone shared the same thing with me on this board... .and just a few days ago it made REAL sense to me and clicked.

Its about :_Trauma Bonding

https://avalancheofthesoul.wordpress.com/2014/02/22/what-abusers-hope-we-never-learn-about-trauma-bonding/

[rotiroti]

I honestly think that she did you a favor by blocking you.

I actually blocked mine eventually - there comes a point in the healing process when all of your insights about how toxic the relationship will integrate into action. All of their smear campaign, all the hurt, all the bullsh!t will fall wayside as you let go with understanding and compassion. It's over and the hurtful things she said can only hurt you if you let it. I know all of this sounds far fetched, but trust me that it does get better with time. Think back on your year separated, weren't there glimpses of truth about your situation?