Hi, I'm new here

[FrustratedWife22]

I found this site by accident, I was googling boundary vs. ultimatum to send to my sister in law who felt the need to butt in when my mother in law was giving an ultimatum to my child who was upset and needed comfort.  (For the record I believe my mother in law is undiagnosed bi-polar at 76 years of age, but I'm here for help with my husband).

Anyhow, I stumbled onto this site and it may be just what I need.  I've been married 13 years.  Have an 8 and 11 year old son.  I believe my husband is bi-polar, a fact my therapist agrees with.  At the very least he has a personality disorder but I'm more and more strongly leaning towards bi-polar.  He's been verbally abusive for at least the last 8 years but really much longer probably though it wasn't as obvious or as often then.  He's gotten physical and grabbed me once and threw something at me once and has cornered me up against a wall or counter and be leaning over me (he's 6 foot I'm 5'2" and screaming and yelling at me. 

We had a period of calm the last almost 2 years, he had been put on Risperdal for his anger and he had been taking Lexapro.  He started having some health issues (colitis), and went into a deep depressio and for a very long time, over a year, he was basically sitting around moping doing really nothing but sleep. and watch tv  But he wasn't angry and he wasn't yelling. 

I've found out that he's weaned himself off the Risperdal and i can see his anger coming back here and there.  Then I found out this weekend, he ran out of his Lexapro and never refilled it and never told me so he hasn't been taking that for at least a week.

He was awful this weekend.  He says mean things, he tells me I'm a bad mother, bad housekeeper, etc etc. 

I've been staying for a million reasons, but am feeling more and more like the end is near.  I'm not in love with him, but I do love him, we have 2 kids together.  If he could just get his anger under control, his verbal issues under control, I would like to think we could fix things but anymore I just don't know.

I walked on eggshells for so long and when he was really depressed I didn't have to, I'm getting back to the part of being on eggshells and I don't like it.  I don't think I can do all this again.  But I'm too afraid of being on my own with 2 kids to leave.  Too afraid of what he'll do if I leave.  Of how miserable he'll make my life if I leave.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Inquisitive1]

I'm so sorry to hear you're having such a rough time.

Has your therapist met your husband? Is bipolar an official diagnosis, or just an impression? The reason I ask is I thought my wife had Bipolar for quite a while, but finally found out it was BPD. It's really important to know the difference because these two different disorders have different best approaches. Finding out a specific diagnosis from an expert psychologist or psychiatrist is critical information.

If BPD you can get great advice here. If Bipolar, you should probably look for another website. I bet there is one for family members of bipolars.

Regardless of all that, I think you should come up with a boundary about leaving your husband. To take an extreme example, if he hits you, it is probably time to go. Look at it the other way too. What does he have to do for you to stay. For example, maybe he needs to start taking his meds again. Maybe if he doesn't start doing that in the next 3 weeks you gotta go.

To make this a real boundary, you need to come up with a plan for how you would leave him. Where would you stay? Would you bring the kids? etc... .

This is all really hard, but I truely believe creating the plan is really important. You may find things improve once you have a plan, 'cause he'll pick up on the shift and you may feel better, a bit scared but also empowered to realize there can be a life without him. maybe a better life.

To be clear, I'm not proposing you leave him. Just that you develop concrete conditions under which you would leave him so you can make a rationale choice AND a plan for leaving so that the conditions are backed up be something doable.

[HappyNihilist]

  Hi, FrustratedWife, and welcome. I'm sorry you're having a rough time.   It helps to talk.

Dealing with abuse is painful and difficult. Regardless of a diagnosis, there is no excuse for being violent and abusive. I agree with Inquisitive that it would be a good idea to create a 'safety plan' and develop a strong boundary.

The difference between a boundary and an ultimatum is that a boundary is based on protecting yourself and not on trying to control someone else's actions (which is futile). For instance, a boundary might be - "I will not tolerate being screamed at, and if it happens, I will leave the room/house." Here you state what you will not tolerate, and what actions you will take to protect yourself if your boundary is broken.

Why did he take himself off of his meds? Has he talked to his doctor? Is there a way you could talk to his doctor?

I agree that finding a specific diagnosis will help greatly with how to approach the situation. If he is being treated for depression when he actually has BPD - or for BPD if he actually has bipolar disorder - then he's not receiving the appropriate help.

Borderline personality disorder (BPD) and bipolar disorder are very different, even though many symptoms can overlap and in some cases they can be co-morbid. BPD is a personality disorder, which affects how a person deals with or experiences emotion, interacts with others, thinks, and interprets situations. Bipolar disorder is a mood disorder, which is solely related to the person's relationship with emotion.

With BPD, a person struggles to regulate their moods and often switches rapidly between 'good' and 'bad.' This can look like bipolar disorder, except that these switches happen frequently and quickly. Bipolar disorder tends to follow a longer pattern - a period of sustained mania, followed by a period of sustained depression, followed by a 'normal' period where the person is at their emotional baseline.

Take care of yourself, and keep posting. Again, welcome.

[LivingWBPDWife]

FrustratedWife,

Good news and bad news -- the good news is bipolar disorder is a much easier problem to diagnose and treat IMO. I have a very large family and a couple bipolar relatives. They get it, understand it, and its a very clear issue to everyone around. I also have bipolar employees, common in my field, high pressure, high intelligence work.

Anyway, if on the other hand your husband is really BPD then you are in for a much worst situation. My BPD wife has many bipolar traits like constant mood swings. But, there is so much else like self harm, distortion of truth, they can't regulate emotions, and so forth.

What I suggest is getting a list of BPD traits, reading them and see how many ring true with you as experience them. And if you are like WOW this all sounds EXACTLY like him then chances are your bipolar diagnoses was just the tip of the iceberg and the therapist etc. didn't understand the whole picture.

So, give that a try, read the characteristics of BPD, watch a couple videos on BPDs and even BPDs themselves best describe how they feel and you will know pretty quick if you have a BPD partner.