Is it BPD... something is wrong

[anabolicaholic]

just found a place to post to see if this is all in my head or if my partner has some potential BPD traits.

I met my current fiancée and was not initially attracted to her. I was with another partner. we spend more and more time together and her excitement swept me up. I left my partner and began dating my current finacee. at first everything was great. lots of passion and excitement. there were some red flags, but chalked them up to emotions women have from time to time. I noticed a controlling side, and this would only get worse.

about six months in I started noticing something was off. everyday my fiancée would call and call and call. always complaining about this or the other. It got so bad I would stop asking how are things going. she would complain so much it stated causing fatigue. when I would ask her to stop complaining. "I am not complaining. I am venting" our discussion are always one sided. she talks I listen. when I say something she gets quiet, looks at me and steers it right back to her stuff.

she never laughs at my jokes and never acknowledges my achievements at work or elsewhere.

she thinks everyone is hitting on her and everyone likes her.

about once a month she flies into what I call an episode. something will set her off and she turns to silent treatment, running away, or turning it on me. she has broken things, and damaged things during these rages.

she never says thank you for anything. in fact she expects stuff now.

she never cooks, cleans or picks up after herself. I have stopped. I used to because I hate clutter. now I don't care. let it pile up. I take care of my stuff and only my stuff

sex has conditions and is rare these days. she gets angered when I turn her down. but i'ts okay to turn me down all the time. it's ok. I have stopped asking.

if I am not with her she will call and message to the point of badgering me.

she has gone through my phone and angers if I talk to childhood friends who are female

she is codependent on her mother. can't make any decisions without checking in with her first

she has me in debt because she needs more and more and will pay me back. when I bring up paying me back she says "that's one reason I left my ex"

I find myself at work and at the gym all the time. she drains me.

i'm not sure if she BPD or maybe I have a problem. either way this isn't working. I can't find a way to leave though

any thoughts? suggestions?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[seang]

Id say.  Sounds like my r/s.  Def BPD traits... .

[anabolicaholic]

wow, this is just all very eye opening indeed.

[anabolicaholic]

thanks for the reply.

[vortex of confusion]

I can't find a way to leave though

any thoughts? suggestions?

Do you want to leave or do you want to find a way to make things work?

If you want to leave, posting on the leaving board might be a good idea. This is the staying forum and most of the people here are trying to figure out ways to stay in the relationship without losing their sanity.

What is preventing you from leaving? Is it love? Is it that you are attracted to her? Or, is it that you are scared of her?

[anabolicaholic]

those are great questions. to be honest i'm not even sure myself. this whole BPD,narcissim, historonic, dependent stuff is all new to me. the light just went on and i'm dealing with a learning curve and trying to figure out what to do. all I can say Is I wish I was this educated about one year ago.

I ultimately want to leave. I know it's gonna be a task, but for now I am staying. looking for ways of dealing with BPD...

[MaroonLiquid]

let me welcome you and say that I'm truly sorry that you are here.  Dealing with BPD traits in a SO can be very difficult and you need to take care of yourself as best as you can.  You will get a lot of great advice here!

those are great questions. to be honest i'm not even sure myself. this whole BPD,narcissim, historonic, dependent stuff is all new to me. the light just went on and i'm dealing with a learning curve and trying to figure out what to do. all I can say Is I wish I was this educated about one year ago.

We have all ben there.  It made me feel guilty that I waited so long and feel I wouldn't be separated currently had I figured things out sooner.

I ultimately want to leave. I know it's gonna be a task, but for now I am staying. looking for ways of dealing with BPD...

Make sure to read the links on the right.  They will help tremendously.  Post often and keep us updated.

[TheRealJongoBong]

Please also share your thoughts as you go through this process. There are many people here, including me, who are in the same position in regards to leaving/staying. I personally don't have a clear idea on how to make this kind of decision.

[anabolicaholic]

here is the strategy that I am currently employing until I figure out exactly what i'm going to do

-completely detaching. zoning here out when she complains or tries to guilt me

-basically not giving a ___

-I try to spend as much time at work and at the gym as possible

-when I get home I engage in household chores (there are plenty since she never picks up after herself). however, I only pick up my stuff.

-I am journaling everything everyday. it's therapeutic

-trying to set boundaries and just leave when she pushes it

-I know this is not a good long term solution, but things have been okay for the last month.

[anabolicaholic]

I wish I would have found this way earlier. all this time I was making excuses for her thinking she had a hormonal imbalance due to a condition she has. the light went on when the doctor came back with all normal hormonal ranges. in fact they were optimal. then he made a comment to her about perhaps seeing a psychologist. she angered and then I started researching and came across this site.

[vortex of confusion]

I think your plan for now is pretty good. The lessons that you can find on the right give lots of information how to do those things and make it last long term.

It sounds like you are on the right track. The important thing is to figure out how to become un-enmeshed and find your way out of the FOG. FOG is an acronym for fear, obligation, and guilt. When our partners behave in certain ways, it makes it difficult to see things clearly and maintain our own identity because of fear, obligation, and guilt related to trying to figure out how to navigate all of the craziness.

Keep posting! It is very helpful to get feedback from others that have been down the same road.