Both My "Firsts" Were Likely BPD

[Pretty Woman]

Happy Monday, All!

This weekend I was out with some friends. It was a great weekend, a concert, dinner, brunch with all sorts of people I know (from all different times/places in my life). It really was a great time!

Yesterday, after brunch I was talking to the ex of my ex... .we are good friends and we were just sitting in her car talking after meeting up with some others. We were talking about our BPD ex and it hit me... .

The first man I ever loved, pretty much my first for everything... .never broke up with me! I mean, we could still be dating... .if I didn't know he was now married with three kids

I had forgotten this. It's been many years but I LOVED this guy. He was a real a_ _ hat though. I was a very late bloomer and I met him at age 23 in college. I had just lost 90lbs and had never had the attention I was now getting. He would break up with me A LOT and run between me and another girl... .

and of course, I would take him back each and every time.

I didn't know about BPD then at all, but now I realize he probably had this disorder too. He had 0 impulse control and was always getting himself into huge binds his family would bail him out of.

On my birthday, I remember getting flowers and being so upset they were from my parents and not this gem of a man I was dating (ha ha). I remember waiting in my dorm all day and he never showed up... .in fact, he never showed again.

I took this abandonment very personally. Who wouldn't? There was 0 closure. Kinda ironic I attracted the very same for my first same-sex relationship over 15yrs later.

The real irony... .I told my most recent ex about this (my first relationship and how much it hurt me)... .

She dumped me before every birthday the three years we were together... .with the exception of this last year.

It was a moment where I sat and realized maybe I attracted this. I also realize I never really got over being abandoned by A _ _ hat. I just pushed it aside in me and didn't fully deal with the emotions associated with it.  All this has resurfaced in this recent relationship and maybe that in itself is a gift.

Maybe I contributed to the push pull. I expected to be "dumped and abandoned" anyways so why not push back?

Some days I sit here afraid I'm BPD myself but then I realize I am so cognizant of my feelings and can realize/rationalize out stuff like what I wrote above. Yet I do have issues to work out.

I just can't believe I forgot about my 1st ex and the similarities. This will give me something to work on in therapy this week!

PW

[rotiroti]

"a_ _ hat"  thanks for starting my week off with laughter!

So here's a confession - I have done exactly what your first ex did when I was in college (I know ), I ghosted on someone after 2 weeks and I still live with that guilt,... but here's the difference - we integrated the lessons from those mistakes and am incorporating them into our future.

We can't change anything from our past, but we have the power to change the future to whatever we would like it to be. Yeah, I've had my fair share of a_shats and frogs, but they've really taught me what I do not ever want in a future r/s.

[disorderedsociety]

- My first sexual partner was a borderline, though I didn't know a thing about the pathology. After I lost my virginity to her she told me about the abuse she endured as a child with a connotation of that I should have nothing to do with her. I didn't get why she seemed so detached afterward and that experience actually haunted me for about 2-3 years after.

Then I got into my 3 year epic tale of BPD madness! That changed me forever and for the better.