Ex- girlfriend has BPD I think, need advice

[Bigmd]

 Ok well the woman I truly am in love with just ended our relationship a little over a month ago. It still hurts and i was very confused at the time. A little background . I met her about 6 years ago while I was married. We had an affair and fell in love which resulted in my divorce. my divorce was final about 1.5 years ago which is when we kind of went official. Everything was great . We were happy, went out a lot , great sex etc. But my gf had an odd way of dealing with arguments. For even the most trivial stuff she would give me silent treatment for upwards of two weeks sometimes. This really hurt and confused me. It was almost like she was a different person. She would get so mad sometimes hanging up on me than not returning texts. Some examples of the arguments were I didn't offer to help watch her daughter fast enough, I couldn't get to her house to shovel snow, I stayed too long on phone when ex wife called , or I didn't drive to the front of the store to pick her up, instead I waited in parking spot. Most of these ended up in arguments or silent treatment. It got to the point where I thought I was always wrong. This time last year we argued and I left her house. She thought I slammed her door and that was disrespectful . The ST went on for weeks. Ultimately she said we needed a break and I was devastated . This is the woman I broke my family up for.

       Ultimately I gave in and sent 3 dozen flowers to her job and that broke the silence. The thing is when she wasn't acting up she was the best . Very loving and caring. She even threw me a 40th birthday party. But it was the times after we argued where she wanted me to reassure her that I would only be with her and no one else. Professing to me that no one would care for me like she did, she would always do this when we were having sex too. Often when I questioned her on the ST she would say that it's just the way she deals with things. I tried to get her to go to therapy with me but she refused saying she doesn't need help.

There were times when she was insecure. Not wanting me to call her sexy or beautiful. Or should we get jealous if a waitress I knew said hello to me. That resulted in 30 min argument at the table. Often she would say I was looking at other girls when I wasn't. Even if I reassured her that she was the one I love it wasn't good enough.

   Fast forward to this year. The silent treatments were happening more often. Whether it was for working too much or the latest was she thought I was mad because she didn't want to have sex. I assured her I wasn't mad but it want good enough. That led to two weeks of no talking until she called me and said she wasn't happy . Said I was selfish and immature. But she told me to think about maybe doing a break. I was so blindsided . This was all preceded by her uncle dying, daughter got into car accident and was leaving for college. Doesn't handle stress well. A week later we talked on phone and I asked what is she running from. I even questioned her if it was our age difference . Me being 41 and her 48, which she never actually told me the truth about. She once told me when coming from Colombia a mistake was mad with her age and she was actually the same age as me. But I saw her birthday and she was born in 1967. Well when I brought this up the last time we talked she flipped out. Told me I had no right to even ask bla bla bla. She was so angry. I couldnt believe it.We ended with her saying we are not together right now. She needs space and we are not in the same place. Mind you we were getting engaged this year and getting a house together. She said she didn't rule out a  future ith us, what the heck. Once again confused and devasted. That was over 3 weeks ago and I haven't contacted her. Once I started reading about BPD it hit me that she may have this. Just before we broke up she was telling me how much she loved me and appreciated all I did for her. A little background on her. She was born in Colombia . Raised by strict grandmother because mother wouldn't take care of her . Father left at early age. Went back to mom in teen years. Brother accidentally shot himself. Ex husband cheated on her.

     The general consensus  that I get is to consider myself lucky she left , there is no helping her. But I still lover her and it's hard to let go. Any advice is greatly appreciated.

   

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[123Phoebe]

Hi Bigmd, I'm sorry you've found your way here under these sad and unfortunate circumstances, but good to have you here, nonetheless 

When I read that it is the person with BPD ending the relationship, my thoughts immediately go to "Take care of yourself".  It's hard as can be when our minds are focused on preserving the relationship, getting them back.  It's just that we have zero control over the actions of others; they will do what they will do.

Are you doing okay in other areas of your life?  Have friends and hobbies, family, people to connect to?

Have you tried reaching out to her?  Has she contacted you since the breakup a month ago?

We're here

[Bigmd]

Hey thanks for quick response. The first week or so I was devasted . Couldn't eat, go to gym , and called out of work. I go to therapy so that week I went 3x. Appetite came back and I went back to gym . I tried not to think about ut it was hard. I have hobbies and also  a 9 yo daughter. I struggled to understand how she could flip like that when weeks before she would profess her love for me. I should add that it's not just me. Over the winter she stopped talking to her best friend for months. She currently isn't talking to her mom or brother and even had incident with her boss . We have had no contact. I only just realized she may be borderline two days ago. I still feel sad because I am still in love, but as I understand it love has nothing to do with this.

[123Phoebe]

I still feel sad because I am still in love, but as I understand it love has nothing to do with this.

Well, it might have something to do with it?  Sounds like you miss her a lot and you feel sad.  Has your therapist given you any exercises on coping with your grief?  Ugh, it's no fun.

How's your daughter doing?  I'm glad you got your appetite back   Are you into cooking?

[Bigmd]

Yeah miss her a ton. My daughter is ok. My therapist just tells me I have to give it time. I need to keep busy . I brought this up to her yesterday and she agreed that she may have BPD. I'm no gourmet but I get by. I grill a lot .

[Bigmd]

Do I just sit back and give her space.mive been NC for 3weeks. Oddly enough I felt relieved when I realized this is what she may be suffering from. It meant that it really wasn't anything I did. Because Lord knows I bent over backward for her and her kids. Is it likely she will reach out to me? I don't really want to give up on her.

[123Phoebe]

Do I just sit back and give her space.mive been NC for 3weeks. Oddly enough I felt relieved when I realized this is what she may be suffering from. It meant that it really wasn't anything I did. Because Lord knows I bent over backward for her and her kids. Is it likely she will reach out to me? I don't really want to give up on her.

I can't really say what the best course of action to take is or what she's likely do, Bigmd.  What's most important though, is to be authentic and to accept things as they are.

Do you want to reach out to her?  What might you say, if you were to do that?  Does even the thought of it send a feeling through your body?

Hang in there and give your daughter a hug  

[Bigmd]

I thought about texting but not sure if it's a good idea. I would be afraid of more rejection and anger from her. It's only been 3 weeks since we talked. I keep thinking of all the negative stuff she put me through and ask myself why would I want to start that again. But there is a part of me that thinks it can still work out.