my boundaries and her coping

[specialized]

So I have been sticking to my guns so to speak.  Not allowing my BPD wife to continue a demeaning rant.  I step out if she refuses to back off.

She threatens divorce with every argument.  Says there's always a better man out there.

I have been pretty good at not getting sucked into those nonsensical neverending defend myself to the end type arguments. This panel has really helped me to see that coming much better than I used to.

now that I have taken some actions to set some boundaries. I am finding that when ever she challenges me and i don't react or I validate her feeling but refuse to remove my boundary she gets frustrated and angry and leaves for hours. She has never had a drinking problem but now when she leaves she is drinking to excess ... .

Sometimes she seems to respect the boundary sometimes she hates me more for it. Either way in 3 or 4 days things go back to relatively calm.

I put a password on my phone. I didn't tell her but I knew she would find out because she takes my phone when I'm sleeping and looks for anything she can interpret as invalidating.

She confronted me (which confirmed she was sneaking my phone) and i explained that i don't appreciate her going on my phone while I'm asleep because she jumps to wrong conclusions and it is hurting our relationship. ... .and she accepted this seemingly with understanding.

She found  a confirmation letter that I changed the address on my stock account to my dads house... .when she confronted me on this I told her I felt I had to do something as every time we argue she has told me I better watch out because she has documents and knows everything she is entitled to if she leaves me and i wasn't going to just sit there and be threatened ... .this she did not accept. She felt I was changing where I want to hang my hat not a bank statement.

I told her the address could always be changed back but if she keeps threatening to leave me i will do what is necessary to protect myself.

Somehow this was interpreted as I don' want to stay which made her more angry she left and came back 7 hours later drunk . And picked up this time with name calling and threw her lit cigarette at me.

I'm worried I'm making the relationship more damaged by setting boundaries . Maybe I don't understand. I feel like I'm reprimanding a little kid. Or like I'm playing with her feelings instead of defending a boundary.   It seems like the good days have gotten better but the bad days have gotten worse lately. 

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[sweetheart]

Hello specialised,

Well done in setting the boundaries and implementing them.  

What you are now experiencing is something called extinction bursts, which are escalated behaviours from your w, railing against the boundaries in the hope that you will change or discontinue them.

You know what I'm going to say, right, it is super important that you hold fast to the boundaries that have been put in place. Be careful not to negotiate caveats with behavioural conditions attached. Presumably because you are married your assets are joint, so any monies belong to you both?

It is important not to enter into triggering conversations with your w when she is dysregulated, I know you know this, but being calm, neutral, kind and withdrawing will help.

Can you help me understand about the phone password, had something happened around the phone?

My concern with your post is the way your w is escalating her behaviour which has involved a physical attack, albeit minor at the moment. Alcohol and BPD are a very poor mix, alcohol can make dysregulations much worse.

What can you do to protect yourself from your w when she comes home like this, or has been drinking? Do you have somewhere you can go stay if necessary?

And yes your description of good days being better, and bad days being worse is something many of us on here will be able to relate to.

Here is a link on extinction bursts https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=111890.0  

I was just thinking, hence the edit, that your boundary enforcement, underneath the extinction bursts, it will also be very hard for your wife emotionally and will most likely bring up lots of confusion and fear for her about what all this might mean. It will probably trigger fears of abandonment for her.

When she is not dysregulated and if she brings it up, maybe using SET you can continue to validate how she feels. Being compassionate, strong and steadfast will help hold her emotionally in the long term because you being secure in your boundaries will help her stability too.

There are however no guarantees. 

[specialized]

Thanks I was on the verge of an apology for changing the address but the more i thought about it the more i knew i didn't really do anything wrong.  you're right its all marital property - its just that lately she is so obsessed with how much do we have and why cant we just spend it to make our(her) dreams come true(I have been doing this for years).  The phone  - she has always taken my phone covertly and went thru all my emails, text messages, phone call history, my pictures and deletes what she doesn't want me to share with anyone.  and please believe me there is nothing to hide on my phone - no x-rated stuff no girlfriend or affair just normal stuff. but she always finds something to confirm to her i am a jerk. so i put a lock code on my phone which she discovered one night while i was asleep   much to her surprise... .

I'm not too worried about her getting too physical and I do have somewhere i can go if necessary

Thank you for the link i will be reading it shortly.

She doesn't bring stuff up until she is dysregulated my problem is i need to figure out when the time is calm enough to initiate the conversation and how to open into it gently enough not to fuel another outburst.

and I know... .no guarantees... .  thanks sweetheart

[livednlearned]

Hi specialized,

I imagine the bank statement is doubly confusing for her, especially if she does not have a good grasp about how finances work. I think the flood of emotion when security is threatened makes it hard for pwBPD to grasp basic facts, even when they have plenty intelligence to understand.

What does the change in address accomplish in practical terms? It sounds like it removes the information so she can't access it. Is there another way to look at this boundary? You don't want her to talk incessantly about the funds, so you remove access to the information.

I don't know. It seems like you transfer the problem from the problem (over focusing on finances) to you (withholding information). Does she understand the excessive focus on the statement is a problem? Wouldn't this change of address confirm for her that you perhaps don't trust her?

People with BPD make a lot of threats about what they can and cannot do. If you are concerned about the legitimacy, it's easy to fact check that information. This can save you from reacting to her threats in a way that escalates the conflict. Then, the boundary moves from making a move (changing the address) to centering yourself when she threatens to do something that she cannot actually do.

[specialized]

I removed the statement from the house in an effort to show her that if she is going to threaten divorce  etc... every time she is upset, I am inclined to believe her and i will not  sit idly by and let her hurt me. so yes , i guess i am letting her know that her outbursts in the divorce regard are affecting my trust towards her and it needs to stop.   I know it sounds like i take her comments personally - not totally - i am trying to let her know that if she is going to threaten me I am going to respond - thats the boundary

[OffRoad]

I removed the statement from the house in an effort to show her that if she is going to threaten divorce  etc... every time she is upset, I am inclined to believe her and i will not  sit idly by and let her hurt me. so yes , i guess i am letting her know that her outbursts in the divorce regard are affecting my trust towards her and it needs to stop.   I know it sounds like i take her comments personally - not totally - i am trying to let her know that if she is going to threaten me I am going to respond - thats the boundary

As an outsider, what you did by changing the bank statement is activate her abandonment fears. That's not a boundary, that's retaliation, and the worst thing you could possibly do. It might work with a non, but not with a pwBPD. (Actually, I'm a non, and that wouldn't work with me, either. It'd just tell me I was right and SHOULD divorce you because you are doing things behind my back and trying to hide information. But I don't know the whole situation.)

If you simply didn't want her to see the statement, you could set it to get them online (and print them out if you want a hard copy) so she couldn't see it.

[specialized]

i dont know what is right anymore... .i see the retaliation but that wasnt my intention. i just wanted to put my foot down and i feel i need to because i do not trust her - when its good its very good when its bad its horrible i dont want to wonder if she really does have a lawyer or if other men have approached her  because i dont know if its true or not  - it hurts . and even if i step back i am still wondering what is real and what is not.  but i think i totally violated her trust in her eyes right now and there will be nothing i could say to explain how i feel because my feelings dont matter to her. ... .i am confused

[specialized]

I guess its like if your spouse threatens to leave over and over and you know she has at least spoken with a lawyer you start to wonder whats real  the love or the hate and i am so sick of being emotionally beat up with these outbursts - so what does she expect? if she keeps telling me its over  i am going to do something... .

[sweetheart]

I understand how hard those kind of repeated threats from someone you love can be. It can leave you feeling pushed into a corner having to defend yourself.

Coming here can change that need to defend ourselves by changing our interactions with our loved ones. We all make lots of mistakes when starting out here trying to change things for the better. I can hear that your marriage is important to you and that improving things for you both matters a lot.

I remember there are ongoing issues around monies from a business venture that you feel it is important for both your futures that you ringfence. This will be triggering possibly for you both as your future security and lives are tied up in this. I can hear that you want to get the financial balance right for your relationship from previous posts, rather than just controlling your wife with money. This is a good outlook that might require some further fine tuning.

Keep posting here to help learn to decrease feeling emotionally overwhelmed by your wife's behaviours.

I think I said it before, it's not a quick fix, but there are steady gains to be made using the skills and support available here. 

[specialized]

Well sweetheart,  thank you again. 

now I am being calm neutral kind and withdrawing it's been easy so far because we are passing each other as we run separate errands.  I will hold off on talking about this stuff until it seems pretty good again... It sure isnt easy sometimes .

And thanks for your perspective lived and learned also enlightening. 

I'll be back... .no doubt

[specialized]

So she's in a good mood talkative not upset. I am stayingcalm and i find a printed paper off the web with a note :here is what you don't get. The title of the paper is: 5 building blocks for a totally transparent relationship.   #1 share everything, #2 openly express your thoughts and feelings #3 use your suspicions to zero in on problem areas #4 develop a no lies policy #5 never shut your partner out. ... .maybe with the right communication skills? Easier said than done with a BPD partner ?  Any suggestions on how this could be used as a Segway to some good communication?  She gave it to me so I know she thinks this is where I am lacking but actually it's both of us to one degree or another she w nts to trust me but can't. And Ii know better than to trust everything she says to me ... .but if I use BPD communication skills maybe I could use this to guide us towards a better place... .any thoughts?

[OffRoad]

So she's in a good mood talkative not upset. I am stayingcalm and i find a printed paper off the web with a note :here is what you don't get. The title of the paper is: 5 building blocks for a totally transparent relationship.   #1 share everything, #2 openly express your thoughts and feelings #3 use your suspicions to zero in on problem areas #4 develop a no lies policy #5 never shut your partner out. ... .maybe with the right communication skills? Easier said than done with a BPD partner ?  Any suggestions on how this could be used as a Segway to some good communication?  She gave it to me so I know she thinks this is where I am lacking but actually it's both of us to one degree or another she w nts to trust me but can't. And Ii know better than to trust everything she says to me ... .but if I use BPD communication skills maybe I could use this to guide us towards a better place... .any thoughts?

That was an interesting choice to print out and leave for you. How did you feel about it? Did it seem accurate to you? Do you think that one statement is what she is referring to, or could there be more?  I would not assume anything. My only thought is that she is saying she wants a "transparant" relationship. What does that mean to her? That list was a bit too expansive to be enough to derive a conclusion from.

You COULD ask her to explain what she means, point by point. I write down what my H and I agree on at each point when we have discussions, as it is the only way we can be sure we agree on anything. I have to make sure the wording is perfect, and often have him write down what he means. But once it's done, the document is initialed by both of us as an "understanding" and we often go back and reference it when we have repeat disagreements.