She wants a divorce again this week

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Okay, a little background on me first. I am a 43 year old male. I have been with my current  wife for the last 8 years. she is 12 years younger.

Anyhow,  was previously married for 17 years, which ended in infidelity on her part.

Until I found out my first wife was having an affair,  I was a church pastor. I stepped down when i found about her indiscretion.

I am not perfect, nor claim to be. I'll put that out there. However, I am very logical and see thing for what  they are. I forgive (including my ex and have a great relationship)and  Laid back. Passionate about things I believe in. Like most, right?

I have battled with my wife now for the entire 8 years we've been together. it has changed who I am. Now, I'm not blaming her entirely for every fight, but her verbal, mental and emotional abuse has broken me down.

I have always viewed myself as confident and successful.  At 43, I am a national physique competitor and it extremely great condition. I get all the time that I don't look my age and very good looking. Who cares, right?  . I know. But, I am going somewhere.

The verbal abuse from my wife on a regular basis is bringing be down.  Every fight, dispute, disagreement, misunderstanding ends in her breaking down every part of my humanity. I mean, she pulls it all out. I have begged her not to call names or even go to bed angry.

That's the problem.

SHE"S ALWAYS ANGRY.

If one the doesnt go her way, she will assault with every thing you can think of to tear down someone.  I mean everything. What am I doing? I've tried everything. Ignoring her enrages her. defending myself enrages her.

Most of the time it's because she misinterprets something. she will go off immediately and tell me she hates me, when 2 hours prior, I was the most amazing man on earth.

If a plan changes from what I told her, WOW! Look out! FOr example, she'll text me and say "when are you off?" I can reply, 12. NOw, what I do with clients does NOT allow me to have an absolute schedule. needless to say, at 12:05 she blows up my phone attacking me. NOt even considering I have to drive home. We have discussed this for 8 years. I do nothing outside of work to keep my relationship good. I do work alot. But, I sacrifice in other areas so my family is #1.

Now, when I deal with her, she reads into everything I say and dont say. That isnt' the problem. The problem is the things she thinks up and attacks me with. I have even shown her PROOF she was thinking wrong and she just yells over me.

I have been on my knees begging her to hear me out. I have wept  telling she isn't thinking right.

Her childhood was screwed up. Her mom was a 'call girl" and was mentally abusive. To this day, her mom does to her exactly what she does to me. WE will go there and hang out. Have an exceptional time! Her mom will call her 10 minutes after leaving and  go off on her. her mom thinks my wife and her grandma was "plotting against her."  

Let me be honest a minute... .I cannot even put  into words how insane this is. l

I can't believe I have typed this much and haven't even scratched the surface.

Maybe these bulleted points can help;

1. she over reacts about everything, small or big. I try to sooth, comfort and encourage.

2. she is extremely aggressive- has hit, throw glasses at me, broken every door and drawer in our house.

3. YOu can't defend yourself because to her "you're arguing.' But, to stand by and let her believe lies about me or someone else is not right.

4. If I don't take her side, she explodes with verbal assaults and lets me know how low of a man I am and how much other men would stand by her.

5. she scrolls facebook and even reads into my family posts. When she does, I get attacked. remember, these are not confrontations. they're all out attacks on me. things you would never, ever say to a spouse.

6. she blames me for everything wrong with her. .

7. WHen you piss her off, she'll cut you out of her life.

8. extremely paranoid. MAn, this is a big one. everyone is conspiring against her. Oh, arguments on the "conspiracy theories" are another post. .

9. suspicious of everyones motive. she is so consumed with other people.  we had a part on the 4th at our clubhouse. she was pissy. she came over and I was trying to ease the situation, so I grabbed her to hug her and introduce her to one of my clients. SHe snatched my arm away and stomped out. I went to get her and she yells, "you go in there wtih your old ass, fake friends. I don't need you or Felicia (my client that does her hair." She though felicia was talking about her. SHe cussed me in front of everyone and embarrassed me. 30 min later, I was looking for felicia, and she was at the hot tub with my wife, laughing and all. THere was nobody tlaking about her. she dreams it up and over reacts.

I work alot of hours. she does take our son to school most days. When I have cancellations, I take him no matter what. why? because I love to take him. Yesterday, I overslept and got up with her at 7. she asked if I could take our son. I aswered no i have a 7:30 client. I could tell she was snatching around in bed. So shes asks again accusingly, "so you have a client at 7:30!" NOw, by this point in our relationship, I get tired of her calling me a liar. I have no reason to lie on here, but I am NOT lying to her! Anyhow, I answered this time "yes babe, I have a 7:30 client." Now she could tell I was a little annoyed. But come on, I am at my end with the  

needless to say, she wants a divorce again this week, hates me, I'm the most evil person, blah blah blah blah.

Seriously I have tried every method of communication. I am ready to move out! . But, my stong passion to stay in a marriage prevails! Should I bail?

THis morning she text me about my birthday and planning something. Talked about someone watching our son. 2 min later, she blasted me for everything from yesterday and 8 years ago( she never gets over a thing). Put me down in ways no one should be.

Help. I could write a ton of things. I literally wrote this in a few minutes. Hope you can get the idea and can at least ask the right questions.

oh, i apologize for writing so scattered.

THanks

[Flexion]

Okay, a little background on me first. I am a 43 year old male. I have been with my current  wife for the last 8 years. she is 12 years younger.

Anyhow,  was previously married for 17 years, which ended in infidelity on her part.

Until I found out my first wife was having an affair,  I was a church pastor. I stepped down when i found about her indiscretion.

I am not perfect, nor claim to be. I'll put that out there. However, I am very logical and see thing for what  they are. I forgive (including my ex and have a great relationship)and  Laid back. Passionate about things I believe in. Like most, right?

I have battled with my wife now for the entire 8 years we've been together. it has changed who I am. Now, I'm not blaming her entirely for every fight, but her verbal, mental and emotional abuse has broken me down.

I have always viewed myself as confident and successful.  At 43, I am a national physique competitor and it extremely great condition. I get all the time that I don't look my age and very good looking. Who cares, right?  . I know. But, I am going somewhere.

The verbal abuse from my wife on a regular basis is bringing be down.  Every fight, dispute, disagreement, misunderstanding ends in her breaking down every part of my humanity. I mean, she pulls it all out. I have begged her not to call names or even go to bed angry.

That's the problem.

SHE"S ALWAYS ANGRY.

If one the doesnt go her way, she will assault with every thing you can think of to tear down someone.  I mean everything. What am I doing? I've tried everything. Ignoring her enrages her. defending myself enrages her.

Most of the time it's because she misinterprets something. she will go off immediately and tell me she hates me, when 2 hours prior, I was the most amazing man on earth.

If a plan changes from what I told her, WOW! Look out! FOr example, she'll text me and say "when are you off?" I can reply, 12. NOw, what I do with clients does NOT allow me to have an absolute schedule. needless to say, at 12:05 she blows up my phone attacking me. NOt even considering I have to drive home. We have discussed this for 8 years. I do nothing outside of work to keep my relationship good. I do work alot. But, I sacrifice in other areas so my family is #1.

Now, when I deal with her, she reads into everything I say and dont say. That isnt' the problem. The problem is the things she thinks up and attacks me with. I have even shown her PROOF she was thinking wrong and she just yells over me.

I have been on my knees begging her to hear me out. I have wept  telling she isn't thinking right.

Her childhood was screwed up. Her mom was a 'call girl" and was mentally abusive. To this day, her mom does to her exactly what she does to me. WE will go there and hang out. Have an exceptional time! Her mom will call her 10 minutes after leaving and  go off on her. her mom thinks my wife and her grandma was "plotting against her."  

Let me be honest a minute... .I cannot even put  into words how insane this is. l

I can't believe I have typed this much and haven't even scratched the surface.

Maybe these bulleted points can help;

1. she over reacts about everything, small or big. I try to sooth, comfort and encourage.

2. she is extremely aggressive- has hit, throw glasses at me, broken every door and drawer in our house.

3. YOu can't defend yourself because to her "you're arguing.' But, to stand by and let her believe lies about me or someone else is not right.

4. If I don't take her side, she explodes with verbal assaults and lets me know how low of a man I am and how much other men would stand by her.

5. she scrolls facebook and even reads into my family posts. When she does, I get attacked. remember, these are not confrontations. they're all out attacks on me. things you would never, ever say to a spouse.

6. she blames me for everything wrong with her. .

7. WHen you piss her off, she'll cut you out of her life.

8. extremely paranoid. MAn, this is a big one. everyone is conspiring against her. Oh, arguments on the "conspiracy theories" are another post. .

9. suspicious of everyones motive. she is so consumed with other people.  we had a part on the 4th at our clubhouse. she was pissy. she came over and I was trying to ease the situation, so I grabbed her to hug her and introduce her to one of my clients. SHe snatched my arm away and stomped out. I went to get her and she yells, "you go in there wtih your old ass, fake friends. I don't need you or Felicia (my client that does her hair." She though felicia was talking about her. SHe cussed me in front of everyone and embarrassed me. 30 min later, I was looking for felicia, and she was at the hot tub with my wife, laughing and all. THere was nobody tlaking about her. she dreams it up and over reacts.

I work alot of hours. she does take our son to school most days. When I have cancellations, I take him no matter what. why? because I love to take him. Yesterday, I overslept and got up with her at 7. she asked if I could take our son. I aswered no i have a 7:30 client. I could tell she was snatching around in bed. So shes asks again accusingly, "so you have a client at 7:30!" NOw, by this point in our relationship, I get tired of her calling me a liar. I have no reason to lie on here, but I am NOT lying to her! Anyhow, I answered this time "yes babe, I have a 7:30 client." Now she could tell I was a little annoyed. But come on, I am at my end with the  

needless to say, she wants a divorce again this week, hates me, I'm the most evil person, blah blah blah blah.

Seriously I have tried every method of communication. I am ready to move out! . But, my stong passion to stay in a marriage prevails! Should I bail?

THis morning she text me about my birthday and planning something. Talked about someone watching our son. 2 min later, she blasted me for everything from yesterday and 8 years ago( she never gets over a thing). Put me down in ways no one should be.

Help. I could write a ton of things. I literally wrote this in a few minutes. Hope you can get the idea and can at least ask the right questions.

oh, i apologize for writing so scattered.

THanks

[Lifewriter16]

Hi JAXFITGUY,

It sounds like life feels pretty crazy to you and I'm sure EVERYONE posting on this site knows how that feels, so you have come to the right place for help. Welcome. I'm really glad that you found us. I'm also sorry that you find yourself in this situation. It sounds like you feel you can't do anything right. It also sounds like you are feeling at the end of your tether but desperately want to work things out.

Personally, I made the decision to leave my BPDxbf and so have very little expertise with new tactics for dealing with difficult situations, but there are plenty of people here who can guide you through. There's lots of reading material too about what BPD is and tactics you can use to improve things. You could start with this article if you haven't already looked at it:

https://bpdfamily.com/deciding_guide/01.htm

There is a method known as SET (Support, Empathy, Truth) which is really useful when our loved ones are overreacting (dysregulating). There's some information about it here. Don't worry that it's focused upon a parent and child scenario, the same ideas apply:

https://bpdfamily.com/parenting/04.htm

There's lots of great reading material here. It takes time to grasp it, but keep posting, it will get clearer.

All the best,

Lifewriter x

[Daniell85]

As you read the lessons, how about we talk about what happened today with her suddenly going haywire after talking about doing something for your birthday.

Literally, she texted. Did you respond? Then she texted about someone watching your son ( during the event?)

Then what happened? Did you respond to her? What did you say?

[dacoming]

Welcome!  I am still a newbie too.  I feel the exact same way when dealing with my wife and do not know how to deal with her when she's like that.  I'm usually wrong no matter which way I go on things.  We've been married 19 years.  The things you describe, minus the throwing stuff, are what I'm going through.  She does threaten to hit me or punch me in the face all the time.  I don't know how much more I can take.  Have you been to counseling, at least for yourself?  I haven't gotten my wife in there yet but I've seen several.  Seems the only solution seems to be to leave.

[babyducks]

Hi Jaxfitguy,

Welcome to BPD Family.

It's a bold step to reach out here and I want to welcome you.   I certainly understand exactly what you wrote.   In fact as you read here you will notice how similar most of our stories sound.  

People who suffer from BPD (pwBPD) have harmfully intense emotions that swing wildly from idealization to anger and usually do so very quickly.   There are lots of complicated theories about why they have these painfully intense emotions.   You can find details in the links along the right hand side of the page called What is Borderline Personality Disorder.  pwBPD tend to be impulsive, have difficulty regulating emotions and are extremely sensitive.

Although it can look chaotic and random, there is order to the disorder.   There are also tools and skills to help with communications.   I know once I started coming here and learning the tools and skills that are detailed in the Lessons my ability to communicate with my partner slowly got better.   The links in the Lessons lead to other links so be sure to dig around for a while.  

No one here can tell you what to do what do.  It is a uniquely personal decision based on our own individual circumstances.   I would suggest you spend a little time here reading, work your way through the lessons, educate yourself on BPD, more information will help in your decision making process.

Welcome,  work your way around the site, ask any questions, jump into any thread.

'ducks

[Flexion]

As you read the lessons, how about we talk about what happened today with her suddenly going haywire after talking about doing something for your birthday.


Literally, she texted. Did you respond? Then she texted about someone watching your son ( during the event?)

Then what happened? Did you respond to her? What did you say?

There was 3 minutes between the texts.  I had not even seen the first text.  So, I didn't get to respond to the first.

SHe says she don't feel respected in her house. But, if I don't agree with her, I am not respecting. IF she goes off on me and downs me and I defend myself if front of my older boys, she gets angry.

She says we can never resolve issues. we cant, I agree! why? BECAUSE SHE NEVER FORGIVE FOR ANYTHING. SHe wants ( and gets) forgiveness for the crazy crap she says to me, but never own her crap. so, everytime we fight and she starts having to face facts, she reverts back to every other thing ever done wrong (even things she perceives as wrong) and goes harder. You get a foot in there with facts or truth and she will move to something personal (i.e being old, you disgust me, blah blah blah)Until she finally will not listen anymore to facts. She just yells, tells me she hates me and wants a divorce. over and over.

she gets enraged and yells to the point  I cant handle it. moves to calling me every name in the book and then some.  

She makes stuff up and attacks. I have been on my knees and begged her to just hear me out, when she is thinking things that are WRONG.  

SHe takes parts of things said at different times in a convo and forms a story-ish in her mind and then spits it back out with cruel bashings. I usually take it. occasionally, I have given in to lash out with a name. YOu know now I will never live it down. When  I retaliate, I have cried and asked her to forgive me and didn't do it again. she, however, will say I deserved it for my body language.  My body language might be a sigh( when I seen her start drinking at 11 am) or shake my head. I know I do try to control her drinking, but it has caused me more issues that you could ever imagine. one, for example was last year. when she was called on a business trip out of town. We have a fall party at her bosses house before they were leaving and I didn't like the way she and her boss were paryting like college kids. on the way home, Because of the issues I've had with blacking out and fights, I said verbatim, "  Iwould prefer you not to drink out of town."  WOW. It was the worse thing I could of EVER said. She completely belittled me in every way, including saying "L(my son) and I are better with out." Screaming and going crazy. I literally had to get out of the car on the exit ramp and walk home.

Anyhow, they go out of town. I get a call 2:40 in the morning from the police dept. Yep, DUI.

I tried to be support at first ,but it was hard. But, I did what I needed to, got over it and stood by her side. Continually affirming that we will be ok if she is convicted or not. she swore to never drink and drive again. Two weeks later, company  Christmas party ( in the middle of the day... I got a call from my nanny that she was home wasted and passed out on the couch. I had to cancel my client to come home.   Now, that's not the bad part... .The bad part is I she went off on me for being upset.

We have fought alot about me trying to control her alcohol. IF anyone had been through the embarrassment I have with it, they would too.  not only that, I don't want to sit around and let her fall to alcoholism.

She has to drink for everything. We've been at the outlets and she will have to "go to the bathroom." She goes in the store and gets wine, goes to the restroom and drinks it. she even need a glass of wine at 11 am on SUnday to do laundry. enough of that .

sh

[babyducks]

Hi Flexion,

I can see there is a lot of turmoil in your relationship.   That has to be incredibly frustrating.   It's very difficult to be on the receiving end of this type of behavior and not either react or be damaged by it.   

I know I once experienced a lot of arguments just like you are describing.   It was very hard for me to understand that my partner processes information in ways much different than I do.   what you are describing is what is called the cycle of conflict.   once you get trapped in the cycle of conflict things tend to escalate.    You are trying to explain the facts to your wife, and your wife is feeling attacked and is attacking back.   people with BPD process the world/life as feelings = facts.   that's how they are wired.   arguing against that is usually counter productive without some very specific tools.  it's like me telling you the sky isn't blue.

this is a cut and paste right out of our lesson on communication.   see if feels familiar.

We've all been in them - those horrible arguments discussions. You know, the ones that make you want to

They go round and round and round.

Your SO doesn't even make sense half the time.

You're not even sure what you are arguing about 

They can go on for hours and hours.

No one ever wins them.

Both people get hurt by them.

You want to pull your hair out 

Why do they happen?

Cause our partners are mentally ill and have difficulty expressing themselves in clear enough fashion for us to understand.

Cause our partners are mentally ill and feelings = facts to them.

Cause our partners are mentally ill and they need to control what they can - us.

Cause our partners are mentally ill and can't stand to lose.

Cause we like to "be right" too.

Cause we can't let it go either.

Cause we need to prove our point.

Cause we are too afraid to walk away from the argument.

Cause we want to hurt them back.

Cause we feel trapped - either literally or emotionally.

Cause we hope that we can change their minds.

Cause we hope that we can get them to understand.

Cause we are co-dependent and need to "fix" them and their flawed way of thinking.

How do we stop them?

By taking control of the only thing you can - yourself.

That means that you recognize what is happening - a pointless argument that is going badly and that needs to end - then finding the courage/strength/attitude to  take action and take a TIME OUT .

~ You don't wait to win or lose. It's not a competition.

~ You don't worry about how they will respond. This is about protecting yourself - not them.

~ You don't hope that it will end soon. You are not a helpless victim.

~ You don't fear their anger. You have a right to protect yourself from harm.



* Don't argue

* Don't defend

* Don't justify

* Don't explain

* Don't counter attack

* Take care of yourself and take a time out.

I remember when I got here how angry I was.  I had been pretty badly treated.  And accused of all sorts of things.   and people here told me I should walk away,  stop trying to convince my partner that her facts were wrong, and that she should stop treating me poorly.   That kept pointing me towards the link Before you can make anything better you need to stop making it worse.    they were right.   My partner and I were entrenched in the same argument.  It didn't even make sense.   And it hurt.   One of us had to stop fighting.   And that person turned out to be me.   It was necessary for time to pass to allow emotions, both of our emotions, to cool.   When arguments came up I had to say, I don't want to fight with you, I'm going for a walk I will back in a little while.   It was surprisingly hard and felt stupid.   

I desperately needed to stop the bleeding.   and that worked.

What do you think?   

'ducks

[Flexion]

Hi Flexion,

I can see there is a lot of turmoil in your relationship.   That has to be incredibly frustrating.   It's very difficult to be on the receiving end of this type of behavior and not either react or be damaged by it.  

I know I once experienced a lot of arguments just like you are describing.   It was very hard for me to understand that my partner processes information in ways much different than I do.   what you are describing is what is called the cycle of conflict.   once you get trapped in the cycle of conflict things tend to escalate.    You are trying to explain the facts to your wife, and your wife is feeling attacked and is attacking back.   people with BPD process the world/life as feelings = facts.   that's how they are wired.   arguing against that is usually counter productive without some very specific tools.  it's like me telling you the sky isn't blue.

this is a cut and paste right out of our lesson on communication.   see if feels familiar.


I remember when I got here how angry I was.  I had been pretty badly treated.  And accused of all sorts of things.   and people here told me I should walk away,  stop trying to convince my partner that her facts were wrong, and that she should stop treating me poorly.   That kept pointing me towards the link Before you can make anything better you need to stop making it worse.    they were right.   My partner and I were entrenched in the same argument.  It didn't even make sense.   And it hurt.   One of us had to stop fighting.   And that person turned out to be me.   It was necessary for time to pass to allow emotions, both of our emotions, to cool.   When arguments came up I had to say, I don't want to fight with you, I'm going for a walk I will back in a little while.   It was surprisingly hard and felt stupid.  

I desperately needed to stop the bleeding.   and that worked.

What do you think?  

'ducks

FIrst of all, thank you all again. I am very private and this has helped me be able to express my frustration and hurt.  

I have tried every method just from understanding how she operates. silence, walk, etc. Telling her I am not arguing seems to go south as well. she just keeps coming in the room and assaulting. IF I leave, I get 1000 texts telling me what a piece of sh*t I am. I am seriously at my end.

This is a great quote you added. I didn't have words for what she does, so I called it "chassing rabbits." I can remember my dad using that. It's like you can't even argue (or discuss) anything without feeling like you're watching tv and flipping the channel every 20 seconds. She yells that I don't listen to her, but I do... .intently. However, she never listens to my side or what I have to say.

When I come home at night and we sit on the couch, I am chatty. She tells my "god you talk too much!"

Let me say something here, I do NOT doubt her love for me. She is faithful, so there is no issue there. 100%.

after 8 years,  I have succombed to the fact there there can't be a resolve to any issue that I am not the one that come to her and says "sorry!"

Listen , she will go 3 days without talking to me. GO to our room and text me from the room about how horrible I am.

I can say congrats to all of you, because you are corresponding with the MOST EVIL man on earth. ha

she has even attacked me with things when my older boys are at my house like, "you force me in my room. you are the most evil person!" blah blah blah. Hey, I never told her to go to her room. .

Last week my 21 year old was at my house. she was pissed about the color of the sky. she goes behind his back when walking by, and gives me the middle finger. . Comical and immature. So, I call her out. Now I've disrespected her. she accused me of doing drugs a few days earlier (she'd been doing it occasionally).  I essentially defended myself in front of him. I mean, if she accuses me in front of him, I was going to defend myself.

NO, I do NOT do drugs... .Further, she knows my personality and belief about abusing substances. WHy does she do that?

IT's like being married to a 13 year old girl. when  I ask something, she'll make a face and repeat it back at me.

I am disgusted... .all while she is disgusted with me for what most would say is petty. however, by the time her mind puts together a great story, I do sound like crap. But, it's fabricated, distorted and untrue!

I have been attacked for her dreams about he having an affair. wth?

I have talked extensively with a friend that is a psychiatrist. I've shown him the email correspondences. I felt I was going crazy! FOr real! She had me believing I am an "emotional abuser!"  I prayed. I read. I studied my habits. I realized I am pretty "normal" ... not perfect, but normal.

He says he don't know how I can do it. Her case is extreme and erratic.

It is like Jekyl and hyde. LIke your lose value in yourself. As I said in my op, I am confident and positive. she is breaking that down. I can see how people are so messed up living with  this.

I went in the room last night to see if she would come in and watch tv with me. OF course, she don't want to talk to me at all. NOw, she will text me this morning and want to attack me. It's the 'cycle!'

I know I'm rambling, but this is liberating! hA