Why not pick a new victim?

[Hardtime]

Let me start by saying that I am currently on the second really bad breakup with this woman (there have been 2 others early on). The time before this most recent we were living together and she wanted rid of me and for all practical purposes she absolutely hated me and wanted nothing to do with me... .She unfriended me on social media and we had no contact... as far as I was concerned it was over and she had made her choices. She was in a new relationship immediately. We were done!

Well after 3 months of nothing I got a note from her out of the blue. I was really shocked considering how hateful she had been. Well we got back together because I wanted to believe her... .It happened again... .Almost the exact same scenario

My question is:Why did she not just find a brand new victim? She made it clear she hated me... .What happens that turns it from Hate to wanting to get back? Why come back to me? I struggle with that question. Like I have read about on the boards, once back, to her it was like the bad never happened. Do I think that I will go from her most hated person to somehow magically be a good person again? Well if history holds true... .Yes. Do these people ever decide that a new victim is in order and don't go back to the familiar well?

I don't know if it's helpful or not but when she hates me she always goes back to the same person... .until she hates him!

I know I will NEVER have a healthy relationship with her... .We have been apart now for a month... I have blocked her from all social media. I am hoping that when she cycles to hate with her current relationship (her child's father) that she will not try to splice me back in and will go hunting elsewhere. Thoughts? Advice?

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Hardtime, I think it's quite common for a pwBPD to yo-yo between idealization & hate, which is sometimes referred to as "splitting."

I am hoping that when she cycles to hate with her current relationship (her child's father) that she will not try to splice me back in and will go hunting elsewhere. Thoughts? Advice?

My thought about any potential for her to "splice you back in," as you put it, is that you have control over whether to recycle for a third time.  You're calling the shots, not her.

LuckyJim

[Mutt]

Hi Hardtime,



I'm sorry to hear that. I understand how emotionally distressing and confusing that feels when we are hated and magically become a good person again.

I would like echo Lucky Jim with splitting, a pwBPD see loved ones as all good or all bad and not as an integrated whole with both positive and negative and cannot see the grey area.

Why come back to me? I struggle with that question. Like I have read about on the boards, once back, to her it was like the bad never happened. Do I think that I will go from her most hated person to somehow magically be a good person again?

I would like to add Gunderson on object constancy and emotional amnesia.

Something which is all good one day can be all bad the next, which is related to another symptom: borderlines have problems with object constancy in people -- they read each action of people in their lives as if there were no prior context; they don't have a sense of continuity and consistency about people and things in their lives. They have a hard time experiencing an absent loved one as a loving presence in their minds. They also have difficulty seeing all of the actions taken by a person over a period of time as part of an integrated whole, and tend instead to analyze individual actions in an attempt to divine their individual meanings. People are defined by how they lasted interacted with the borderline. In the same sense of constancy borderlines have "emotional amnesia", they are so completely in each mood, they have great difficulty conceptualizing, remembering what it's like to be in another mood.

[shatra]

Why did she not just find a brand new victim? She made it clear she hated me... .What happens that turns it from Hate to wanting to get back?

-----It's also about the toddler stage they are stuck at, emotionally-----the toddler walks away from mother, and then... .does not look for a new person, but turns around and goes back to mother. The feeling of familiarity feels good.    With splitting, after you are split black for awhile, they split you white again... .a new person has not been idealized and then split black, so a new person would be less likely to be part of the cycle.  Push-pull is part of the reason they seek out a previous person, instead of a new person... .they pushed you away then pull u back... .a new person would not be part of this process, wouldn't be as appealing as you.

[LivingWBPDWife]

This is always very frustrating:

I would like to add Gunderson on object constancy and emotional amnesia.

But, here's an observation, when I met my BPD, it took me years to figure it out, I thought she was simply depressed and a typical manic 20 something entitled, that never learned to cope with reality since everything was given to her...

Anyway, one thing I noticed was she HATED her dad, loved her mom. Rather, she did NOT get along with her dad and never talked to him. Any time she talked, it immediately turned into an argument, now of course, I am just some guy, and not paying too much attention, even when I am in the car and she is celling her dad on the phone.

But, now in retrospect, I realize her father was the person telling her what to do, don't do this, don't do that, go to school, pick up your panties, whatever. The mother was the enabler and the validator.

Now, what's happened is over time, she now talks to her dad all the time, and won't talk to me, I am constantly black. So, I have taken the role of the father here. And I am her enemy.

But, my point is this, and THIS is a really interesting idea -- when we started out, for 2-3 years we got along pretty well, granted, I was spending a ton of money on her, and going out all the time. But, the father acted as her TARGET -- now, I am her target.

So, the questions begs itself -- can we re-program our BPD to focus on someone ELSE? Real or imaginary and take their focus off us?

I think we CAN. But, in my case, my wife quit work, so the only person that is AROUND her all day is me. But, with work I even remember, she hated a lot of people, this is GOOD for me since that negative energy focused on them, not me, and I could even VALIDATE it by AGREEING with her, which I would just to make her feel good. However, agree or not, there was no down side to me, so why not just agree... .However, when they paint us black and WE have to validate their "crazy" this is not easy, at least for me.

In conclusion, I wonder if we put more targets into our BPDs life, if they will lock onto something else, and maybe reduce the focus on us to a tolerable level?

I know I am getting both barrels 24/7. But, I feel like initially I was getting hit only once in a while.

Food for thought... .

[enlighten me]

I also became the object of hate for my exgf. I too have pondered this and my thoughts are there is a lot of projection. They hate us because we make them feel bad about themselves. Inadvertently we highlight their flaws.

As to giving them other targets it does work but only for a short time. My exwife had numerous. Her mother, her friend, neighbours. Once she had cut them all out of her life I was the only one left.

[Svarl1]

Yes, enlighten me indicates the point:

The pW BPD needs someone they can blame, but at the same time won't feel able to walk away.

You'll probably notice that they will fall out with many people in their life, most of whom are able to detach - if the relationship isn't beneficial to the other person then the other person feels no need to continue it. Of course this is always easier if the relationship isn't a deep one.

But by putting up with unreasonable behaviour, AND then returning to the relationship, you have indicated that you are indeed victim material (however I don't typically think the pW BPD is consciously scheming and rubbing their hands - they also feel desperately compelled to do what they do, and to cling to the person who will have them).

But the point is that it DOES TAKE TWO to tango.

Yes, you might say that you stay because of an overwhelming sense of love, commitment, responsibility, guilt - whatever.

But the fact is that we stay in a situation that most pepole would not.

Only when we continually remind ourselves of this fact can we begin to accept responsibility for our own part in the calamity.

This is the point that I've got to in my thinking.

Years of thinking 'poor me, why did she pick me to carry her blame and responsibility?' have done nothing useful, just gradually made me more bitter.

No! It was me that volunteered for this. As an adult I could have chosen something else to do with my life.

And so could you.

The question then is not 'how do I get this person to go after another target' , but instead,  'when I become the target (because I sometimes will) then how do I give myself permission to duck the bullet?'

We may need to examine our deep motives in life, our beliefs about autonomy, control, permission, responsibility,  success, fairness, and many other things.

We may need to face things about ourself that we have a hard time accepting.

This is why it's so easy to entirety blame the other person, but we will get nowhere until we understand our own part.

Best Wishes.

[GreenEyedMonster]

I also think that mirroring someone and learning how to fit into his/her life requires a lot of effort.  Slipping back into our lives is easy -- it's a language they already speak.  When you think about it, the early part of the relationship is the hard part, where you are learning about each other's quirks and evaluating.  Being able to skip that part and go right into the best part of the intimacy and trust makes the pwBPD feel safe.

[Turkish]

Hi Hardtime,

We want to take what people say at face-value. You went back, she demonstrated who she was. As n old prof of mine used to say,."hhow do we judge people? First, by how they look; second, by what they say; third, by what they do." My corollary is that the ways in which we judge a person is an inverse order to who they really are. That is to say, their character.

She's demonstrated her character. She'll use people to meet her needs. Boundaries, however, come into play because being used or not is completely with our control. Understanding the Splitting, as Lucky Jim mentioned, is key to realizing on what level she operates. Have you seen this?

BPD BEHAVIORS: Splitting

Once you realize who she is, and how she operates, is a good first step in gaining clarity on who you are, and how you operate, apart from her.

Turkish