My wife may have BPD

[pghinnyc]

This is new for me but I have to talk to someone about this.

I love my wife dearly, but I have been living with this for over a decade and I'm not sure I can take much more.

She is extremely intelligent, thoughtful, and diligent. Traits I love in her.  But the emotions are to much for me to handle.

She has been very depressed and had a very rough childhood.  Her mother died when she was young and father remarried a BPD woman.  This occurred when she was a young teenager.  She is very vocal about the abuse she took from her step mother.  Sadly I sometimes feel that she treats me in many of the same ways. I can not mention this to get because how dare I compare her to that woman. I have convinced her to see a therapist a few years ago but they said she had add. She stopped taking any of those drugs cause she didn't like them.

She will go from screaming to uncontrollable sobbing in minutes. She will scream at me, not speak to me for hours, scream again and then if I say you've been yelling at me all day she will twist my words against me and use them as a weapon for hours or even the entire next day. Now I mostly get yelled at for saying nothing and not responding.

She will stay in bed for days.  She get enveloped in minutia issues and life and at times stay on the internet for hours engrossed in it.

If she gets uncomfortable in a situation she has to flee. It has placed her in a position where she has not had a job for 6 years. what has made this harder is I had to move to another city for my career and this has taken her from the city that she lived her entire life.  This has only made the situation worse.

I struggle to deal with the stress of my job and come home to a situation that changes from one day to the next. I feel as if work is an escape.

I can't tell my family, they know something is up, but discussing her situation with them is off limits. My friends are my coworkers at this point. I don't go out anymore because she doesn't go out anymore. If we leave the house it is an ordeal. Major vacations will lead her to not sleep overnight to make sure the packing and house is perfect when we go and then screaming at me for some small issue for at least an hour or two before and after we leave the house.

I could go on but I guess this is start.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[rodico61]

Dear friend, same here. First decision is "shoud I stay or Shoud I go". I discovered BPD in my wife after 14 years! It is 3 months I am looking documentaries and reading books about loving someone with BPD. You have to study a lot and you must change your vision. I decided to stay but I realize that I have to modify my approach/talk/think to her. I have to put a mask to talk with her (this will be really hard). They way to talk has to change and I still don't know if I will be able to. But let's try. You are not alone

[babyducks]

Hi pghinnyc,

Welcome to the BPD family.   I'm sorry that you are having such a difficult time but I am glad you reached out to us.

It is very difficult to be in a relationship with a person who suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder.   It takes a toll on the strongest of us.   And it's hard to explain to outsiders who don't have our perspective.

This is a safe place for you, where people understand.   My partner is both Bipolar and BPD and I know exactly what it's like to have some one emotionally dsyregulate and scream and sob uncontrollably.

We can help support you,  there are tools and skills to help you.   In the box on the right is a long list of links that lead to other links.   Please click on a link near the top.   

You've made a good start.    We understand how hard this is,  we have all been there.   Working on the skills and tools, and posting here can help.

'ducks

[TheRealJongoBong]

I can't tell my family, they know something is up, but discussing her situation with them is off limits. My friends are my coworkers at this point.

Hi pghinnyc,

May I ask who made the rule that everything is secret?  My uBPDw did this to me, saying that our relationship problems are our own and anything I say outside is "triangulation". I bought into this for quite a while, until it began to be an issue with my personal safety. Don't let this happen to you. Your family is one of your best resources for support and for bouncing ideas off of. I basically lived in seclusion for many years until I broke from my wife's control and finally opened up to my family. It was a relief and very therapeutic to realize that I don't have to do this alone. You don't have to either.

Welcome home!

[UndauntedDad]

Pghinnyc,

I totally hear you. From what you wrote I can imagine how it is, since I'm also familiar with some of those situations.

I'm sorry you have to go through this.  Of course you love her, otherwise why would you still be there?  You may also feel compelled to try to help her, because you realize that deep down she's really unhappy, too.  But sometimes to help another person you have to help yourself first.

Coming here is a big step; there's a lot of useful information for coping, and reading posts from others can help identify patterns.

I agree with JongoBong that breaking out of your isolation may be helpful. I was in denial about my own situation for years, forbidden by my wife to talk to close friends or family about problems, strongly discouraged from seeking therapy for myself until finally it got really bad for me and there was no alternative. 

As Jongo said,

"I bought into this for quite a while, until it began to be an issue with my personal safety. Don't let this happen to you. "

I second that.  The point is, once I did start breaking out of isolation, I shared my situation with a therapist and a very few close friends, I began to see things more clearly.  The fog lifted a bit, just enough to let me read books on BPD, keep a journal, spend time on here, get therapy, reach out and make more friends, and it all began a healthy cycle.  It's not great for me now, but its worlds better than it was.

The best part (haha, maybe I say this because I still have co-dependent traits) is that my uBPDwife is happier now too.  All of this change I did, eventually stimulated change in my wife, also.  She is in DBT now, thinking about changing her job, she reached out to her family, and our relationship is much smoother now.  We'll probably still separate, but I can tell, she is much happier and better able to deal with life than she was.  That's a great reward.

"If you're going through hell, keep going." -W. Churchill