I need a drink ... several drinks

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Hello group,

Ok, I'm on the boards pretty much everyday reading, learning, offering or telling things that have happened to me in order to try and understand this BPD world better ... .understand her better but more importantly understand myself better. I haven't been sleeping well for the last few days ( the reason will be explained later), I was up today at 330am and I'm rather stressed, frustrated, sad, a tad bit angry which reflects in my text to her today ... .it's not been one of my better days. So, I just want to ramble and see where it goes.

Background ... .

As some of you know I've been in an on again/off again r/s with this woman for 2 1/2 years, Lets just call her (Lady X).  It's been the roller coaster everyone talks about. At one point she asked me to help her understand why she was behaving the way she was. She wanted to be a better mother to her 2 kids. She didn't want to rage or argue with me and have a better relationship with me, her mother & a neutral position with her ex-husband beside the constant fighting between them. She later told me that her therapist told her she was BPD, I said ok, I love you, we'll get through this ... .what ever this is together.

I've spent thousands of dollars, travel back and forth thousands of miles to be with her only to have her paint me black last April to the point where she told me she did't love me anymore. I told her then & there that there wasn't a point to stay here. SO the next day while she was at work i packed a moving van & left the apartment I had rented. During the turbulent 2 1/2 months I was there she became more distant, push me away. All i tried to do is show her the love and desire for her that she had told me she always wanted but never had from other men. She told me she knew I loved her and that I wasn't like other men. Nevertheless she told me we had to break up. So when she came home from work, didn't see my car in the parking lot, she called me and asked where i was? I'm driving to my sisters to regroup & figure my next step. She started to drive down the interstate for two hours asking where I was that she was coming to get me in  fanatically. I later learned this was the ultimate trigger in her BPD fear of abandonment. i was now painted black with no chance of her talking to me ... .or so I thought. I understand that this whole time was the push/pull, I love you, I hate you ... .don't leave me that BPD exhibit, but only learned it once I was out of the state and trying to understand myself better to try to get over the feelings of being hurt, she went off to bf#2 again. But question why months earlier when I called her she told me she was with bf#2 in his bedroom. I said oh ok ... .he's your "boyfriend". Ok ... .but in the short 2 1/2 months we were together he called but she ignored the call, but refused to call what we had a relationship or me her boyfriend.

Late May 15, I moved back to my other state of residence. Soon after she started to text me, wanted to know how i was doing ... .that she wanted to talk because I let her talk about anything. She started to paint the other bf black, and of course me white. For the 2 or 3 weeks she has been calling or texting me everyday. Sometimes she wakes me up (330am my time 530 her time) just a couple of hours after I've been to sleep to talk about whatever. Then she tells me that bf#2 isn't the one, that he doesn't really listen to her, just the facts kind of guy. They don't have same values, or long term interest I'm told. She knows that he isn't the one she wants to spend the rest of her life with. "Hint".  She tells me she knows it has to end but had to come to that conclusion on her own. Ok ... .I'm thinking. She tells me it'll be in 2 or 4 weeks, she has to build up the courage to do it. she says he helps occupy her time so that she's not alone ... .that sex with him is vanilla and that I'm not vanilla, that i do things to her ... .I'm thinking what next ... .she says YOUR NOT HERE so I'm with him so I'm not alone ... ."is this a hint".

So in less then a week I submit 4 job applications and have 4 interviews, in her city to relocate ... .again and I've told her as much. She has told me that when she breaks up with him that it doesn't mean that he's out one day & your in the next. I understood I said. I told her that I was looking at finding a job there and moving to an apartment. She seem to smile at the idea. I told her if there is a chance of us going forward we need to learn the boundaries between each other and respect those boundaries. One of those boundaries going forward is I need you to tell me the truth no matter how much you know its' going to hurt ... .I need to know that when we are a couple that no matter what you're going to tell me the truth. I emphasized this by telling her my ex-wife in MC made one of a few statements, "I'm not the person you married, I am, but it's NOT who I really am. I was that person because you wanted me to be that person". Nothing could be farther from the truth. So after 15 years of her pretending to be someone she wasn't it was important that you tell me the truth. She understood what I was saying and told me she was sorry that I had to go through that.  So Wed last week she told me, "I need to tell you something". Ok, "we've been texting & talking everyday or night", ok, "Well I'm going over to "his" house this holiday weekend and won't be in contact until afterwards." I told her I was hurt, sad, but that telling me the truth was important to me. You could of lied and told me that you were off with your kids but you didn't. That had to take a huge amount of courage on your part not knowing what my reactions would be. "NOTE" In the past before my boundary she would of just told me she was anywhere but at her current bf house. SO I see this as a huge step in the right direction. She asked me if I was angry, I said no, I had no reason to be, we weren't a couple, we were dating ... .it hurts to know that the woman I love is going to be spending the next few days with another man ... .I did my best not to show my anger or frustration ... .I though I did well giving the situation.

SOO I didn't expect to hear from her until Monday night at the earliest, "tomorrow".  Wednesday is when she told me. I didn't hear from her on Thursday the day she went over there, but Friday afternoon she texted me with, "I'm drunk & thinking of you. I want to F8ck your brains out".  "I texted back, Hi & why me?" in part she says, "Because you'll do me justice!, You'll make the love so exquisite" And the the next text I get is ":-D see ya". Again I didn't expect to hear from her until late Monday at the earliest. Nope, I've heard from her both morning & evening via text when she can get a moment of time to herself. Today was no different. This morning she text "Good Morning" I reply with the same. She replies with Have a great day. Ok I'm thinking. Then again 3 hours later she text "Hi there". I replay Hi, her next text is, "I have decided that I'd rather sit by the beach than deal with any man. thats what I'm doing, sitting and relaxing, Just being by myself".   So now I'm wondering what the hell?

This is where I think I let my exhausted state of not sleeping, frustration, get to me. I replied "I'll cancel my plans & coming up for the interview next week".  She relies "why" I have an interview next Friday on site along with two other interview via phone." She then replies, "Your choice", "Maybe it's Gods plan". I told her I had a phone interview on Thursday, she asked how did it go. I said well.  She texted 'Congrats, I'm headed to the store. I'll catch you later." I was angry and texted her "I'll just call & let them know I'm pulling from further consideration. No need to get my hopes and dreams up". Take care of yourself & have a good night." Her next text is "Good bye, Enjoy your day". I'm left thinking to myself what the hell just happened? I know she was texting with a stolen moment away from him. then he came to get her to go to the store. I'm more than frustrated ... .time is running out as I have to get on the road in 3-4 days to drive 1500 miles, get a hotel and rest for the interview ... .what the hell am I to do?  SO I jump on here and read a couple of post ... .sanity check if you will ... .

After reading the post from a couple of level headed guys in a couple of post I texted her, "Lady X", I don't mean to bother you, you're obviously stressed about something & i took it personal & said something I didn't mean. I wanted  to say I'm sorry ... .I didn't mean it ... .I haven't slept well & have been up since 330am today. SOO ... .I'm here for you if you need someone to talk to. have a relaxing good day".  that was nearly 3 hours ago with no response yet. I really don't know if she'll contact me tonight ... .she picks up her kids tomorrow and I don't know if I'll here from her then either ... .frankly group I'm at a lost at the moment and am looking for some input from you ... .all thoughts, concerns, and comments are welcomed.

I have to get on the road no later then 6pm wednesday ... .what to do ... .what to do ... .

JQ

[JQ]

Hello group,

Ok, I'm on the boards pretty much everyday reading, learning, offering or telling things that have happened to me in order to try and understand this BPD world better ... .understand her better but more importantly understand myself better. I haven't been sleeping well for the last few days ( the reason will be explained later), I was up today at 330am and I'm rather stressed, frustrated, sad, a tad bit angry which reflects in my text to her today ... .it's not been one of my better days. So, I just want to ramble and see where it goes.

Background ... .

As some of you know I've been in an on again/off again r/s with this woman for 2 1/2 years, Lets just call her (Lady X).  It's been the roller coaster everyone talks about. At one point she asked me to help her understand why she was behaving the way she was. She wanted to be a better mother to her 2 kids. She didn't want to rage or argue with me and have a better relationship with me, her mother & a neutral position with her ex-husband beside the constant fighting between them. She later told me that her therapist told her she was BPD, I said ok, I love you, we'll get through this ... .what ever this is together.

I've spent thousands of dollars, travel back and forth thousands of miles to be with her only to have her paint me black last April to the point where she told me she did't love me anymore. I told her then & there that there wasn't a point to stay here. SO the next day while she was at work i packed a moving van & left the apartment I had rented. During the turbulent 2 1/2 months I was there she became more distant, push me away. All i tried to do is show her the love and desire for her that she had told me she always wanted but never had from other men. She told me she knew I loved her and that I wasn't like other men. Nevertheless she told me we had to break up. So when she came home from work, didn't see my car in the parking lot, she called me and asked where i was? I'm driving to my sisters to regroup & figure my next step. She started to drive down the interstate for two hours asking where I was that she was coming to get me in  fanatically. I later learned this was the ultimate trigger in her BPD fear of abandonment. i was now painted black with no chance of her talking to me ... .or so I thought. I understand that this whole time was the push/pull, I love you, I hate you ... .don't leave me that BPD exhibit, but only learned it once I was out of the state and trying to understand myself better to try to get over the feelings of being hurt, she went off to bf#2 again. But question why months earlier when I called her she told me she was with bf#2 in his bedroom. I said oh ok ... .he's your "boyfriend". Ok ... .but in the short 2 1/2 months we were together he called but she ignored the call, but refused to call what we had a relationship or me her boyfriend.

Late May 15, I moved back to my other state of residence. Soon after she started to text me, wanted to know how i was doing ... .that she wanted to talk because I let her talk about anything. She started to paint the other bf black, and of course me white. For the 2 or 3 weeks she has been calling or texting me everyday. Sometimes she wakes me up (330am my time 530 her time) just a couple of hours after I've been to sleep to talk about whatever. Then she tells me that bf#2 isn't the one, that he doesn't really listen to her, just the facts kind of guy. They don't have same values, or long term interest I'm told. She knows that he isn't the one she wants to spend the rest of her life with. "Hint".  She tells me she knows it has to end but had to come to that conclusion on her own. Ok ... .I'm thinking. She tells me it'll be in 2 or 4 weeks, she has to build up the courage to do it. she says he helps occupy her time so that she's not alone ... .that sex with him is vanilla and that I'm not vanilla, that i do things to her ... .I'm thinking what next ... .she says YOUR NOT HERE so I'm with him so I'm not alone ... ."is this a hint".

So in less then a week I submit 4 job applications and have 4 interviews, in her city to relocate ... .again and I've told her as much. She has told me that when she breaks up with him that it doesn't mean that he's out one day & your in the next. I understood I said. I told her that I was looking at finding a job there and moving to an apartment. She seem to smile at the idea. I told her if there is a chance of us going forward we need to learn the boundaries between each other and respect those boundaries. One of those boundaries going forward is I need you to tell me the truth no matter how much you know its' going to hurt ... .I need to know that when we are a couple that no matter what you're going to tell me the truth. I emphasized this by telling her my ex-wife in MC made one of a few statements, "I'm not the person you married, I am, but it's NOT who I really am. I was that person because you wanted me to be that person". Nothing could be farther from the truth. So after 15 years of her pretending to be someone she wasn't it was important that you tell me the truth. She understood what I was saying and told me she was sorry that I had to go through that.  So Wed last week she told me, "I need to tell you something". Ok, "we've been texting & talking everyday or night", ok, "Well I'm going over to "his" house this holiday weekend and won't be in contact until afterwards." I told her I was hurt, sad, but that telling me the truth was important to me. You could of lied and told me that you were off with your kids but you didn't. That had to take a huge amount of courage on your part not knowing what my reactions would be. "NOTE" In the past before my boundary she would of just told me she was anywhere but at her current bf house. SO I see this as a huge step in the right direction. She asked me if I was angry, I said no, I had no reason to be, we weren't a couple, we were dating ... .it hurts to know that the woman I love is going to be spending the next few days with another man ... .I did my best not to show my anger or frustration ... .I though I did well giving the situation.

SOO I didn't expect to hear from her until Monday night at the earliest, "tomorrow".  Wednesday is when she told me. I didn't hear from her on Thursday the day she went over there, but Friday afternoon she texted me with, "I'm drunk & thinking of you. I want to F8ck your brains out".  "I texted back, Hi & why me?" in part she says, "Because you'll do me justice!, You'll make the love so exquisite" And the the next text I get is ":-D see ya". Again I didn't expect to hear from her until late Monday at the earliest. Nope, I've heard from her both morning & evening via text when she can get a moment of time to herself. Today was no different. This morning she text "Good Morning" I reply with the same. She replies with Have a great day. Ok I'm thinking. Then again 3 hours later she text "Hi there". I replay Hi, her next text is, "I have decided that I'd rather sit by the beach than deal with any man. thats what I'm doing, sitting and relaxing, Just being by myself".   So now I'm wondering what the hell?

This is where I think I let my exhausted state of not sleeping, frustration, get to me. I replied "I'll cancel my plans & coming up for the interview next week".  She relies "why" I have an interview next Friday on site along with two other interview via phone." She then replies, "Your choice", "Maybe it's Gods plan". I told her I had a phone interview on Thursday, she asked how did it go. I said well.  She texted 'Congrats, I'm headed to the store. I'll catch you later." I was angry and texted her "I'll just call & let them know I'm pulling from further consideration. No need to get my hopes and dreams up". Take care of yourself & have a good night." Her next text is "Good bye, Enjoy your day". I'm left thinking to myself what the hell just happened? I know she was texting with a stolen moment away from him. then he came to get her to go to the store. I'm more than frustrated ... .time is running out as I have to get on the road in 3-4 days to drive 1500 miles, get a hotel and rest for the interview ... .what the hell am I to do?  SO I jump on here and read a couple of post ... .sanity check if you will ... .

After reading the post from a couple of level headed guys in a couple of post I texted her, "Lady X", I don't mean to bother you, you're obviously stressed about something & i took it personal & said something I didn't mean. I wanted  to say I'm sorry ... .I didn't mean it ... .I haven't slept well & have been up since 330am today. SOO ... .I'm here for you if you need someone to talk to. have a relaxing good day".  that was nearly 3 hours ago with no response yet. I really don't know if she'll contact me tonight ... .she picks up her kids tomorrow and I don't know if I'll here from her then either ... .frankly group I'm at a lost at the moment and am looking for some input from you ... .all thoughts, concerns, and comments are welcomed.

I have to get on the road no later then 6pm wednesday ... .what to do ... .what to do ... .

JQ

[Mistomaple]

I would like to know a little more. I noticed you mention that her Therapist told her she had BPD. Is she currently seeing a Therapist?

If you want my personal advice for the time being. Do your best to detach yourself from the situation. I know how frustrating it can be to feel like a spare part, it makes you feel used and expendable, I'm sorry you're going through this and it's affecting your sleep. If she is indeed with this other guy, then chances are that is where her focus still is right now. That being said she also knows that you're chasing her and pretty much there when she needs you (Having her cake and eating it). I'm not gonna go into much of the finer detail because I don't feel experienced enough to do so. This time should be for you to discover yourself again and learn to love yourself. Don't contact her for a while and do you. Let the other guy shoulder everything while you learn to grow, strengthen and build knowledge. She'll most likely contact you in time and when she does, you can be ready for it.



If you can seek a little therapy for yourself and find out the reasons why you're so attached (It does wonders), learn all you can from the good people here and use the quiet time to reflect and journey inward. In time you'll reach and point where you are comfortable enough that you know what you have to do and what you have to be to stay and make it work, but at the same time you'll respect yourself enough to know that you can walk away from this if you choose to.

[patientandclear]

I'd say she was really appeciating that you'd turned out to be the kind of guy who doesn't mind hearing that she's heading off to have holiday weekend with another man--who will welcome the texts and welcome the truth nonetheless. How fantastic for her!

And I think she was further exploring her freedom with her message from the beach. I think that was a dig at the other guy more than you. She was sort of sharing her happiness at having no ties or obligations.

Which would be great if you were also a guy who wants no obligations, but you aren't. You want to be together with her--you want to take this guy's place. Parenthetically, one thing I don't get on these boards is when we act like it's irrelevant that these people we speak of loving are treating some other person in an identical situation to ours, like crap. So long as it's to our favor, it's just fine? But that's a digression.

If you are telling her to be free to tell you her feelings, she does, and then you punish her for it, it doesn't really match with your offer to her. Her feelings at that time (assuming she was reporting accurately) were that she wanted to be free of obligations to men. Do you REALLY mean it that you're OK with her exploring her feelings no matter what they are?

On another thread yesterday another poster observed you might be signing on for abuse with the "anything you want so long as you tell me the truth" stance. I think it's very hard to hold that stance without abandoning yourself in some way.

But you also have to make sure you are not over promising the amount of understanding and tolerance you are prepared to extend her, because I bet that assurance of understanding and tolerance feels mighty good to her, till you react with hurt and withdrawal based on something she said.

This stuff is hard. I think more reflection on your values might be called for before making more pledges and vows--you want to be sure not to sign up for something you come to find you don't really want to stand behind.