In Trouble, Former Subordinate Reported Me To Licensing Board ~

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I was supervising someone, and the relationship became odd. It made no sense, but she seemed to be getting too close, and stared into my eyes in a very compelling way. She began asking personal questions, especially about my past relationship, and why I did not want to date. She asked me to go to a gay bar twice, and I said no, and then she asked if I would be her "person", whatever that meant.She didn't say anything direct, but made many comments that led me to believe she was interested in a relationship. She also sort of took over my work life, including having me keep her pet in my office, and care for it all day. This gave her open access to me and my office. She spent most of her free time there. She brought me food she prepared twice, and a candle when she thought I was angry.After trying to talk it over, and her denying anything, I admitted I was starting to have feelings, and did not want to supervise her any longer. She cried and said she felt like leaving because it didn't feel like home any longer. I agreed to continue. After a month I said I needed space to get my own feelings in check, and she became hysterical. We talked for hours, and I again backed down to calm her down. The next week she accused me of pursuing her against her will, and I resigned. Now 2 months later she ran into a friend of mine, and the next week she made a complaint to my licensing board. She presents so well. Dresses impeccably and is very attractive. She also has several degrees, and is brilliant. Will she ever let me get on with my life. We didn't really even have a relationship.

[Bainer]

I was supervising someone, and the relationship became odd. It made no sense, but she seemed to be getting too close, and stared into my eyes in a very compelling way. She began asking personal questions, especially about my past relationship, and why I did not want to date. She asked me to go to a gay bar twice, and I said no, and then she asked if I would be her "person", whatever that meant.She didn't say anything direct, but made many comments that led me to believe she was interested in a relationship. She also sort of took over my work life, including having me keep her pet in my office, and care for it all day. This gave her open access to me and my office. She spent most of her free time there. She brought me food she prepared twice, and a candle when she thought I was angry.After trying to talk it over, and her denying anything, I admitted I was starting to have feelings, and did not want to supervise her any longer. She cried and said she felt like leaving because it didn't feel like home any longer. I agreed to continue. After a month I said I needed space to get my own feelings in check, and she became hysterical. We talked for hours, and I again backed down to calm her down. The next week she accused me of pursuing her against her will, and I resigned. Now 2 months later she ran into a friend of mine, and the next week she made a complaint to my licensing board. She presents so well. Dresses impeccably and is very attractive. She also has several degrees, and is brilliant. Will she ever let me get on with my life. We didn't really even have a relationship.

[Turkish]

Hi Bainer,

The behaviors you describe certainly do sound BPD-ish. You resigned, and thought that would be the end of it, but now she's being vindictive. What will be the fallout here, will the board conduct an investigation? Was anything documented, like texts or emails? Has she tried to initiate contact?

Turkish

[ForeverDad]

Understand that if she has BPD, Borderline traits or other disordered traits, she may be able to distort relatively innocuous talk or actions into scary allegations.  That is a problem with people exhibiting acting-out PD behaviors, they've had years of experience twisting facts and exaggerating stories.  That can be very dangerous when you're the target.

You may need legal representation.  A lot depends on whether the board decides to investigate.  And be careful what you say.  You may try to explain it all... .Yes but... .No but... .and the investigators may not care about your explanations once they have their Yes or No.

I'm guessing that this may not be the first time she's done this, she may have a history of making allegations.  So if an investigation is started, you may do well to determine if she has a history of making complaints.  I don't know if it will help but you may be able to demonstrate that she has a pattern of setting people up and then framing them when the working relationships end.

My ex got her bank manager boss in hot water.  Then she got her coworker at a spa in hot water and she got herself fired.  Then... .you get the idea.  Her work starts out okay but then once she gets close to people she becomes accusatory and causes problems.  The lady reminds me of my ex.

[momtara]

Take a breath. Sometimes things seem worse than they are. Do you have any documentation of resisting her advances? Any emails you sent to friends? I wonder also if she has a pattern of this stuff at other workplaces. It is hard at first when you are accused of things you didn't do - how do you prove a negative? - but she does have to prove the positive too. You could tell the story the way you told it to us, with dates and times things happened. It's just he said/she said right now.

[Bainer]

Thank you all for your help. I have contacted a lawyer, and he thinks that in the end I will be okay with the Board, but that it will take months before they complete the investigation because they respond very slowly. Sadly, the only emails were written by me. She sent a few texts, but was apparently smarter than I was regarding email. I do think that they make clear that I was trying to find a solution, and that I offered to resign more than once. I just hope she can let it go from here and move on with her life.

[ForeverDad]

My divorce lawyer said his first job was to sit on his clients, to limit them from talking and digging themselves a deeper hole.  So whatever to say and how you say it, make sure your lawyer is comfortable with it, perhaps even doing some prep sessions.  Keep your answers brief and to the point, don't volunteer information unless your lawyer agrees it is helpful.

This is not the time to say how guilty you may feel.  (All of us can look back on events in our lives and say "I wish I hadn't... ."  Yes, learn from it, yes, avoid it in the future, but no, don't let yourself be sacrificed for her distorted punishment blaming or gratification kicks.)  Almost surely she manipulated the situation, the relationship whatever it was and you.  So don't help her get her retaliation, don't sabotage yourself by inadvertently helping what is basically an awkward/borderline matter slip into disaster.