Hi Lost Ghost,
That was some kind of piece you wrote. I could certainly see the artist in you coming to the forefront. It was poetic. I hope it was cathartic. I'm very sorry you felt enough anguish to write that out for us. I respect what you are going through. I get how hard it is. I know you hurt.
What you described so vividly is part of the abandonment cycle, you can find more details over on the Leaving board in their Lessons section.
Two thoughts crossed my mind as I read what you wrote.
Here is the first.
I don't find as much enjoyment in day to day living. I don't derive the same level of satisfaction from my hobbies, socializing, exercising, anything really. I miss my constant companion, the intense connection and bond that I just do not see or feel in anyone else. I am tethered by an invisible cord to her and that cord provides me with some otherworldly type of sustenance of a quality that can't be quantified and it's something that I'm unable to find anywhere else or replicate on my own.
I understand this. There are very complex and complicated aspects of a BPD relationship. These are not your normal run of the mill relationships. The bond we form is complex, the intense cycles we go through deepen the connection, the trauma's we normally experience in these relationships further complicates things. That's why we go through a withdrawal almost like an addiction when we try to sever the connection.
There is a reason we end up in these relationships. It's not an accident. What we bring to the table are our own core wounds. Now I hate the phrase core wounds. When I was first here and I heard it I wanted to . Unfortunately it's true. What get's us into these r/s and keeps us in these r/s are our own core wounds. That otherworldly type of sustenance of a quality that can't be quantified you are describing? There is a lot of truth to the fact that pwBPD attach to people who have similar core wounds as they do, we just handle them differently. Happens to be in true in my case at least. One of the first thing my P said to me was why do you think you chose a person who had a mental illness. I said well she was pretty good at hiding it. Which wasn't really true. There were
early on. And then I said, things were such a whirlwind in the beginning, which was more true, but let me be honest since you were with me. A person with healthy boundaries would have beat feet very very early on, like in week 3 of our dating. And then I said, well my mother was mentally ill when I was growing up and never really loved me. and voila there you have it
. My core wound was a pretty good match for my partners core wound.
I will swear to you LostGhost, it is never just one person and it is never just one problem. People are more complicated than that.
Here is my second thought:
This entity is cunning. It has the power to enter your mind and manifest itself in any form it believes is best to convince you it is not harmful
Please do not give BPD this much power. It's not fair to you. If you mythicize this you compromise your ability to recover. I understand how it feels this way right now. I understand the solace in expressing the feeling. I would strongly suggest not clinging to this feeling.
For what it's worth, I am not in a relationship with a black hole. I do not accept abuse, violence, infidelity, neglect, silent treatment, withdrawal of sex/intimacy, that they likely won't be good parental figures to your children, they'll disapprove of almost everything you do, they won't get along with most of your friends/family.
well okay my partner hates my one cousin so that one is iffy.
I do have a real relationship build on mutual respect, love, devotion, compassion, loyalty and commitment.
'ducks
