thisagain
 Offline
Gender: 
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 408
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« on: September 12, 2015, 02:53:30 PM » |
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My partner broke up with me in the most absurd projection-riddled rant. For example, apparently I'm manipulative, blame other people for my problems, and don't face up to my mental health issues. Then she changed it to taking a break for a month if I go to therapy, but she insisted that during the month we are totally single and can see other people. Combined with other things she said (about how "closed-minded" I am and how I wanted to have a "tight grip" on her), I'm pretty sure she's going to have sex with men, even though she is or claims to be a lesbian when not dysregulated.
As yall know, her recent dysregulation started shortly before we moved. So I told her that I wish we could go home and have our life together there like we used to. She broke down sobbing and said she changed her mind and didn't want to break up. For a while she talked about missing home and I validated that, and then she got really closed-off and uncomfortable-looking. So I asked if she still wanted to break up and she said yes, and then moped while I packed and left. So this is transparent projection and blaming me for her bad feelings about moving, but she and her therapist don't see that, so what can I do... .
Even knowing all of this, I miss her very much and want us to get back together. Is there something wrong with me for that? We're young, not married, no kids, living 2 hours apart -- shouldn't I be jumping at the chance to get away from such a disaster?
And how are you supposed to continue a relationship with someone who truly believes a bunch of ridiculous accusations about you? I was going to go to therapy anyways; I'd been going for several years for FOO issues and had that under control, but then she undid most of the progress. So it would be to repair the damage she did, not to address her imaginary problems with my character.
On the bus home today I was thinking about all of the nonsense that I'll still have to deal with if we get back together--like her confused sexuality, and she says that she "needs" to move back to where we used to live even though I wouldn't be able to get a job anywhere near there. And there will always be something, because she is incapable of compromising or seeing my point of view.
Plus, any time I slip up and talk to her like a normal person instead of validating like a therapist, she twists my words and then accuses me of being manipulative, cruel, etc. Or sometimes when we've been doing really well, she just flies off the handle over some totally innocuous thing. So even if I apply the Lessons as well as I can, it all goes out the window because of one night when I'm too exhausted to be super vigilant. (Or in this case, a couple weeks when I'm moving, starting a new job, dealing with her suicidal ideations that her therapist handles atrociously, and so ill that I was in the ER a few nights ago.)
I guess I'm mostly wondering if there is something terribly wrong with me for loving her despite everything and wanting to stay. But also I don't see how I can deal with all this. Therapists only have to spend an hour at a time nonjudgmentally validating someone's nonsense, and they get paid for it. No one can talk like the guy who wrote the Lessons all the time. And even when I'm doing well, she still comes up with some way to cause problems.
I hope it's ok to post this on the Staying board I feel like I've gotten to know you all and I identify much more with your attitude about these relationships, despite technically being undecided I guess.
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